I've been reading through some of the stories posted here, and it actually gives me encouragement to know that there are other people out there like me. I have recently started seeing a theripist who has told me he thinks that I have BPD and a few other choice things. I have never actually told the complete story of what happened to me to anyone. I have told only about 4 or 5 people total about partial events of what happened, but I think it might help me to tell the whole story (what I remember of it) on here. I was 16 when I met him (this was about 5 years ago). We started dating at the end of October. Everything was great for about a week. Then on my birthday in November he decided he wanted to mark the occassion with something "special." We were in my basement watching a movie when he started trying to convinse me to take off my shirt. When I wouldn't he got mad. This is where it starts getting fuzzy. I know I struggled against him. I also know I lost that struggle. I didn't call out to anyone who was home because I was afraid of what they might think. He told me that if I told anyone he'd just deny it or tell them I said I wanted to. I was young and a virgin, I believed him and I believed they'd believe him. He siad he wouldn't do it again, he also said he'd tell everyone what a slut I was if I broke up with him. So I didn't break up with him. He kept his word about not doing it again for about three days. I don't remember where we were or what se him off but he started yelling at me and then hitting me. He got me pinned down on the ground and said he'd stop hurting me if I let him have what he needed... I am so ashamed of what happened next... I stopped fighting him. I let him have what he wanted. He told me that from then on if I didn't want him to hurt me that I would give him what he needed when needed it. He stayed true to his word for the most part. If i didn't fight, he didn't hurt me... as much. It went on like that, and I don't remember much of that time, for several months. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I hated him but I hated myself more. I told him it was over and that I didn't care what he told anyone else. He did not take it well, he hit me a few times and then left. I thought it was over. I was wrong. He and a friend of his made plans. They waited until I was alone after practice for a school sport. I was getting in extra practice not paying attention to anything else in the room, I thought I was alone. "Hey, you're getting pretty good at that," My ex called out to me. I didn't want to, but I made myself turn around. There he was with that big ugly grin on his face and next to him was his best friend. I ran. I fought. I yelled. But again I lost the fight. And no one heard me but the two people who definately weren't going to help. I never reported him. His Uncle was chief of police. Instead I went into self destruct. I dropped out of life. I drank. I partyed. I did drugs. I tried to kill myself. Anything to make me forget. But then all of you know that you never really can. The only reason I'm not dead is because of faulty thinking on my part. I met the man who is my current husband and decided that if men needed it so badly I was going to give it before it could be taken. I got preganant, the first time I miscarried. The second time I had my first daughter (Who was an answer to a prayer, what prayer? The Serenity Prayer, which is her name incidently). Who is the only reason I don't go back into self destruct mode, completely, well her and her little sister. I slip into that mode from time to time, but never when they are around, and never for more than an evening at a time.
My only question to myself is, is it still rape if you allow it to happen without a fight? Is that consent? Am I wrong to feel wronged? Was I only raped twice, or was every time rape? I never wanted him to but I didn't want to be hurt.
For those of you out there who can't remeber what happened. Please don't try to remember. Trust me, it's better not knowing. I had repressed most of these memories until I started seeing a tharapist. Now I remember more everyday. Not remembering is a blessing in disguise.
by Unreppesing and Regrettingon 18 Nov 2004
I'm almost 16 now, when it happened I was 14. I was on the way home to my friend, Jessicaís house after a party. A little drunk - a little high, so itís all a little fuzzy. We were all driving home, I remember I was sitting on one of my (guy) friends lap and I was wearing a skirt. We were flirting and stuff but nothing new at all, just the usual (when youíre in that state of mind). The next thing I remember was I was laying down in my friends bed and he was putting his hand up my skirt and I was blowing him off sawing that i wanted to sleep (or something like that). He just kept "shhing" me and started kissing me. The rest is pretty much blacked out, except for the occasional dream, in which I forget five secs after I wake up.(If you've ever d one you'll know exactly what I'm talking about) Anyway once I woke up I wasn't sure if it was real or not. I was really sore and my "attacker" was nowhere in sight I went into the bathroom and just kind of sat there in shock. The worst part is, I pretended it never happened. I talked to him after like nothing happened and when one of my friends asked me about noises she heard I acted like nothing happened. It didn't hurt me that my "innocence" was taken away because I wasn't a virgin. But, it hurts so much because he was such a good friend of mine and it was completely out of character for him. Every time I look at him I want to hug him and tell him about what happened to me and I want to punch him in the face because he's the one who did it.
by Diana on 18 Nov 2004
When I was thirteen years old I was molested by my cousin who eighteen at the time. Till this day I donít understand why he did what he did. And even though I know that it isnít my fault, part of me still feels like I had something to do with it all, like I deserved it. Iím 21 now and lately the incident has been playing over and over in my head. I remember that I all started because we were playing around, or at least I thought we were. We were joking around and he started to touch me on my stomach and then on my breast. I played it off, thinking, this is my cousin -he wouldnít do me like that. The next thing he started trying to kiss me and stick his tongue into my mouth. I told him to stop and he started to climb on top of me. I remember thinking that this was all just a joke, he was just playing around. He left me a lone for a little bit, but then no more than five minutes later he came back over to me on the couch I was sitting at. He said he was sorry and for me to give him my hand. For some reason I thought he had a present for me. Instead he grabbed my hand and held on to it really hard. He pulled down his pants and made me feel his penis. He told me that heíd kill me if I hurt it. I remember I kept telling him to stop playing, and he said that he wasnít. He started touching me again putting his hands under my shirt and under my pants trying to kiss me. The harder I tried to pull away he kept pulling me harder. He ended up pulling me off the couch and I was lying on the floor with him on top of me. He pinned my hands down with just one hand, and with the other I could feel him feeling me all over. I started crying asking him to stop, but it was like he was in another world and he kept breathing hard and trying to kiss me and stick his tongue in my motuth. I remember I couldnít breathe and couldnít move. I kept trying to squiggle around and I remember him laughing saying ďyouíre a feisty one, but thatís okay I like them feistyĒ. He tired putting his dick in my mouth and when he did I flipped out and ended up knocking over a table and the lamp. Around the same time his mom ended up coming inside the house and so he got up off of me to straighten up the room. Then he left me there, on the floor like nothing had happened. He went upstairs and started talking to his mom. I wanted to tell my aunt or my mom at the time, but I really didnít understand what had just happened. I never told anyoneÖnot my aunt or my mom. I told only one friend who was more confused when I told her than I was. Sheís the one who made me realize that I was molested. But I never told her it was my cousin who had molested me. I didnít know how. I still donít know how. My cousin, thatís blood relative. If I told I donít even want to imagine the effect it would end up having on my whole family. Would they believe me, why did I wait so long? Why am I now having these flashbacks and it bothers me so much? I havenít seen him since, and I hope to god that I never have to again. But now I feel weird. Every time a guy touches me I think of him and I get uncomfortable. I think things are going to go to far, will i be able to do anything this time...I almost feel like Iím unable of having a real relationship. Why did he do this to me? Iím so scarred for anyone to find out. I guess Iím only writing it here because I feel the need to let this out since i havent really been able to. The truth is also that every time I play it over in my head I keep wanting to think of how I couldíve done things differently, like I shouldíve known or something. And its hard because I didnít know that all that was going to happen, and even worse I think I still blame myself for it.
by maimason 17 Nov 2004
I don't really know if this fits but my uncle Ralph touched me and would phone me at my house.
He phoned and said to come over on my bike but I didn't. I was little at the time and didn't know much. I wonder what would have happened to me if I did. He kept phoning until my Mom yelled in the phone to stop. Today I am scared to be alone with him. I never told my parents about it or anybody else. I trust this site becuase I can finally tell someone and other people.
by Kristina on 17 Nov 2004
I was living in residence at College. It was a Friday afternoon around 5 ish... I was playing football with the guys in my building. This white Volkswagen bug showed up right in front of us all. The guy walked towards me with such confidence and he was very attractive. He had a purpose and he wanted everyone to know that.
I was so sleepy and needed to take a shower as I was supposed to be going to meet friendís downtown Toronto at 8:30 for dinner and drinks.
I told the guys I was going to go and relax for a bit and this guy wanted to come up stairs and watch TV as he was "waiting" for his friend to get back from classes and I said yea ok.
So we walked into the building and we went into my room and I mentioned that I really was so thirsty so I poured a cup of water took a sip and then I put the cup by my bed. I showed him where the TV converter was and I grabbed my clothes to get ready for the shower.
I went for my shower and came out and he was watching TV. We talked for like 10 min about his car and what he did and where he was from and such. And then he asked me why I poured a cup of water and why I hadnít drank it yet. So I went over to my bed and began sipping the water and finished it and decided I was going to do my hair ... So I stood up and began walking towards my mirror on the other side of the room. When suddenly everything in my vision went completely black and my body went numb and I collapsed on the floor.
I remember glancing at the clock and seeing that it was 6:35. I felt a Prick in my side and I slowly came back to consciousnessí. I couldn't move my body and I couldn't talk... I was numb but I could still hear. Everything felt like I was in a cave watching from a distance. It was very unreal for me.
I was lying on my bed when I began to feel my toes again. so I very slightly began to wiggle them and he was yelling at me ... and swearing and such. It was awful. He got up to go to the washroom and I knew that I had to get him out of the room... I was afraid I was going to DIE.
I had enough feeling in my body to be able to turn on my side and grab his key chain and twist his automatic door lock button off the chain. So I pushed the alarm and threw the Door lock under my bed and he ran out of the bathroom and threw clothes on and left.
I could not move ... I laid in my bed for 4 hours without little to NO movement. I was so scared and desensitized. It was around midnight when I finally was able to get out of bed.
Then the biggest shock of my life came to me.
I was no longer clothed ... I had 42 bite marks on my body, Blood smeared words written on me and my side was bleeding...
I was so scared.... I immediately jumped into the shower and laid in their shaking and afraid for my life.
I called my best guy friend whom immediately drove to my house from Downtown and picked me up. I stayed at his house downtown and the next morning we went to Credit Valley hospital where they then sent us to Trillium hospital where a crisis team met me to talk to me as well police authorities were also present for a description and such.
I called my sister on Sunday evening and my family came to get me.
I was so afraid to tell my mom. I loved them all too much to see them SAD and HURT
Little did I know I was in for some of the scariest times of my life.
by DarkAngelon 15 Nov 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.