My story is that I was 13 years old. I was rebelling against a lot of problems in my family and started partying. One day in June I was at a party with some of my girlfriends. It was at an older guy’s house and there were a lot of older guys there. I was terribly shy and while the other girls were laughing and having fun, I clung to my chair drinking, hardly able to talk. I didn't even feel comfortable swimming. One of the guys made a comment about how good some of the girls looked. I felt like I was so ugly and unlikable. I never felt like I was as good as other girls. Anyway I decided to go home. I wasn't comfortable there and was pining away for a guy I wanted to be my first boyfriend, who was out of town, and I was feeling lonely. I said I was leaving and was going to walk the mile or so home. As I was leaving the guy whose house the party was at, came out and said he'd give me a ride home. I said "no, that's ok I want to walk". He kept insisting. I finally gave in because I didn't know how to say no. Anyway we drove down his driveway and instead of turning right he drove straight across the road into a secluded field and raped me. I was so shocked. I couldn't even put up a fight. I was a virgin and didn't really understand what was happening. The pain was overwhelming. I just bit my lip and kept myself from screaming out in pain. I just wanted to die. I wanted it to end. He just kept going and going. After he performed oral sex on me and I thought I was going to throw up. I was disgusted and numb. Then it was over. I put my swimsuit back on and he drove me home. I had him drop me off at the guy's house that I wanted to be my first love. I asked a guy there if he was there and he said no. He then asked if I was ok and I said yes and ran off. I ran into the bushes in a secluded area. I curled up into a ball and started to cry and then all of the sudden all the emotion went away and I dried up. I changed into my clothes and through the swimsuit and towel away in the clearing. I never told anyone until a few months later when this guy overdosed on drugs and died. My friend told me and I said "good, I'm glad he died". My friend was shocked. I told her he had raped me. I was glad he was dead. He took my childhood away. I have lived with the effects of it for years without knowing it. I used to have anxiety attacks sometimes when I would be riding with a guy alone in cars. I self destructed with drugs and alcohol. I've never been able to trust a man or have a truly intimate relationship. I've had 3 flashbacks. All three when I felt like I did not have control of my safety and there was male energy that was a reminder. The last flashback was after I'd told my ex that I had been raped and was working on it in counseling. I ended up in a situation where there was a guy on a vacation trip that triggered me because of his drugged out persona and the male energy on the trip. I lost it and had total emotional and bodily sensations of grief, terror, and an utter feeling of loss of control. I had asked my boyfriend not to let the guy go on the trip but it was his old friend from high school and he couldn't turn him back. I said I didn't want to go on the trip but he talked me in to going. Big mistake. I spent one night crying and wanting to die. I was completely emotionally falling apart and didn't know why. I was so confused by my behavior and it just got worse as I started to try and get some control over myself and the situation. I became angry at the 4 guys on the trip which just made them put me down and scapegoat me which just compounded the situation. I now know what it was and later I realized my boyfriend was an emotionally abusive man and another of the guys was in counseling for domestic abuse. No wonder I was having a reaction but it doesn't take away the shame of the rape or of my behavior during the flashback. Please get help early so you don't have to spend 25 years wondering what is wrong with you.
by marieon 26 Nov 2004
I am 15 now but I was 14 when I was raped by my best friend ashley. She finge*ed me and hurt my breast. I will never forgive her. Thank you for letting me tell you . leanne xxxx
by leanne millar on 25 Nov 2004
I'm Heather. I'm 12, and I think when I was 7 I was sorta raped I dunno, anyway on with the story.
I was needing the loo and being 7 I thought "oh I'll just do it in the woods." So I was about to use the loo when this guy called Kevin said "If you wanna use the loo you have to suk my di*k. The funny thing is I can' t remember if I did or not.
I told 5 frends and 1 of them thinks I'm lieing. If you have any advice or just want a chat, my addy is firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks for reading, Heather
by Heatheron 25 Nov 2004
My abuse started at a very early age. I cannot remember how young I was but it was physical and mental abuse by both my father and grand father. When my mother's marriage broke down I had about 6 months peace until she met someone else and married him. He also phyisically and mentally abused me. Then in 1986 I was sent to an all boys boarding school. I was nearly 12 years old sent there for being emotionally disturbed. Within 3 months I had been raped by one of the older boys and spent the rest of my school life being sexually abused by older boys. I cannot remember how many in total. I am now just starting to find help. I do not have any feelings just feel numb inside. I now have a wife and two children although I dont recognise my feelings of love for them. I know there must be some inside which I am hoping therapy will bring out. I cant say I'm not scared because I'm bricking it but am hopefull for the future.
by michaelon 24 Nov 2004
When I was 14 and he was 16 and I had what I though was a great friend. He and I would just hang out and watch movies and talk about anything then things just got weird people at school said that we were going out (we were not) I guess I didn’t know that he liked me more then a friend and I guess it was my fault for getting so close to him well, one night when we were watching movies in his basement he started pocking me and tickling me and before I know it he was on top of me just playing or so I though, I started to said that I could not breath because he wasn’t a little guy he was almost 200bls 6’2 and very muscular. He was putting all his weight on my chest as a joke I tried to push him off but then he just would grad my wrists and hold them down (after I had deep purple burses on my wrists) when I told him to get off and stop it he’d just keep doing it but he started grabbing my breasts and by this point he was moving my legs apart with his knees then he pulled my skirt up and my panties down and with his one hand free he undressed, I screamed and tried to push him off but nothing helped after the rape he just laid on top of me and tried to kiss me I just wanted to go home. I never told anyone and we never talked again but I know he told his friends because they would laugh and bump into me a touch me in the halls. One of the thing I remember about that night was I was wearing this lip gloss that smelled like chocolate and after when I would wear the gloss the smell would make me sick. I could never wear it again
by sam on 22 Nov 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.