I'm not going to tell my story and give full detail about what happened but I want to speak about the aftermath...getting through the storm!! When I was raped everyone told me the worst part was over and that things would be ok. Everyone claimed to know what I was going through and in my mind they didn't... you really don't know until you been through it yourself!! The worst to me wasn't over... The rape was just the beginning of my fight for my life!! I decided to stay in college instead of taking off a semester in hopes of proving to him I still had control of my life. Instead my grades began to drop and the love for life that was once in my heart turned into hatred and a need for revenge. I began to blame God for what happened and I couldn't understand why me? For three months I went to a Rape Crisis Center in hopes of understanding what had just happened. My last visit was when the psychologist prescribed to me Zoloft and told me I wouldn't be able to bounce back and get in the groove of things unless I took this drug!! I remember going home with the little piece of paper in my hand reading Zoloft and the dosage... I looked down at this and thought hard as I fell to the floor...my hand bowed and my knees bent, tears burning from my eyes and finally for the first time in 6 months I closed my eyes and prayed. I threw the paper away and turn it all over to the Lord. After doing so I was able to return to work and able to start dating again. When I go into detail about my story and tell people about what I've been through they ask how did I make it through and the truth is I've learned what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. The Storm has resided and at times it still rains but each day is a new day and yesterday is in the past!!! In the Bible it says suffering is essential, it allows us to know our true selves... it also allows us to share with others our struggles ... REMEMBER THIS ONE THING FOR ME IF NOTHING ELSE...IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I had warning signs leading up to my rape and the day before I told my friends goodbye so yeah I knew it was going to happen but I didn't know I would survive!! And for a long time I blamed me but I realized I'm not responsible for his actions... He is now in prison paying for his choices... I got my apology the day after he was arrested when he called me from jail and left it on the message instead of saying his name but I had my revenge when I faced him in the courthouse and knew he was going to prison!! IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! May God Bless.
by Brion 4 Dec 2004
I feel like I shouldn't be here. I've read through a lot of the stories and my story isn't as traumatic. It effected me my whole life but it wasn't as violent or abusive. Ok, I'll tell what happened. I was 19 and I hung out with a guy I had a major crush on and his girlfriend who was also my best friend at the time. The three of us hung out with an older guy...all of 21. He bought us beer and we partied with him. My best friend moved away and I started dating the guy I had the major crush on. One night he had to work and I didn't so I went with the older guy partying. He was a friend. I never thought anything about him other than that he was a friend. I got drunk and passed out on his bed and I woke up and he was on me. I was too drunk to do much. The whole thing is a big blur. I don't remember much until the next afternoon and even that is still foggy. My whole life changed that night. I was so ashamed and held such guilt. I blame myself. It was my fault. I put it out of my mind until about 3 years ago when a friend shared her almost rape and I felt compelled to share mine. She was the one that told me I had been raped. Until that day, I had just pushed it out of my mind. Now, I'm trying to deal with it and the effects it left me with. I can't go back to unknowing what happened and lately it's been on my mind a lot. It's time for me to try to heal from it and get some peace. Thanks for reading.
by JRon 3 Dec 2004
Iím 22 and I was raped by my neighbor, who was also a co-worker and a trusted friend. I kind of felt like his big sister; I was always looking out for him and protecting him. Until one night he came over to watch movies and brought alcohol. I never drink, but I did that night, I regret it. Iím still having issues with blaming myself, or strangely enough, trying to protect him. Is there something wrong with me? How could I try to protect someone who did this to me?!
I kept yelling at him because he wasnít very interested in the movie, which is why he came over. He kept trying to talk and brought the conversation to our significant others. He was talking about his girlfriend and how she was younger than him so she didnít want to do anything but normal sex. We talked a little about my boyfriend and his two kids and he kept telling asking me in a playful voice, how I liked to have sex with john, and was I a ďfreakĒ. I told him how john and I rarely get time to be intimate because his kids are always around so we really didnít have a very active life in that way. He poured the drinks again and kept goading me to chug it. I did. He kept going on with compliments about my breasts and a*s and what he would do if he were John. He leaned forward to kiss me and I started to laugh. I told him that things would get way too weird at work and that he was just drunk. He confessed to having a crush and always wanting ďto get with meĒ. I remember telling him that that was nice but it wouldnít happen. I was saying it lightly to keep this from sounding mean. He leaned forward again and I let him kiss me but I didnít kiss him back. I made a joke and I moved off the bed, turned on the lights and started to throw away the cold spaghetti. He came up behind me and put his arms around me, he pressed in and told me that I made him hard and what was I going to do about it. I joked about him going back to his room with some Vaseline and that he could probably take care of it better than I could. He grabbed my chest then, and I turned around to break his hold. He tried to kiss me again and he bumped his teeth against my lip and I had a slightly puffy lip the next day. He turned off the lights again. I donít really remember how he got my shirt off but I remember trying to find it in the dark. I found my zip up sweater instead so I put that on and asked him to leave. He looked upset and tried to apologize explaining that he was just drunk. I literally shoved and pushed him out the door. A few minutes later he politely knocked and asked for his jacket, which he left. I let him in for his jacket and I remember him pushing me down on my bed. He took off my shirt and bra; I was wearing only my jeans and was trying to cover myself with my pillow, which he took away from me. He knelt over my face and exposed himself, right in my face. I told him that I was going to throw up and he got off me so I could run to the bathroom. I locked myself in there. It was so dark I couldnít find the light switch and I was drunk enough to feel unsteady even standing up. He asked if I was okay through the door and I told him I was okay but that I wouldnít come out until he left. He kept saying, ďdonít be like that, you know you wanted itĒ, and other stuff like that. I heard him get mad and started to say ďfine if thatís the way you want it to be, I thought we were friends, I guess not, weíll see what happens at work tomorrowĒ I heard the door close so I opened the bathroom door. The only towel in the bathroom was a small hand towel, and I remember holding it close around me. When I turned the corner of my room to see the rest, the lights were out and he was still on my bed. He took my towel from me and threw it. He grabbed my breasts really hard, hard enough that the next day I had small finger sized bruises on them. I remember sitting on the bed with my sheets pulled up over my neck and just repeating ďget out, get out, get out get outĒ like a chant. He got mad at me then. Saying I was blaming him for something that I wanted too. He told me that he would leave if I would give him a blowjob. He undressed himself, until he was wearing only socks. I had the sheets over my head then and kept repeating please just get out. Then he started to whine, saying all he wanted was oral sex and I caused him to get excited so I had to help him. I was quiet then. I think he took that as me saying yes because he took my sheet away from me and while I was trying to grab that back he started undoing my pants. I got really dizzy and I felt like I was going to throw up so I begged him to stop and let me up but he wouldnít, he thought I was tricking him like last time. He shoved my pants down so they trapped my ankles. He changed his mind and forced oral sex on me, but with the taste and it hitting my throat, I threw up on him, I was able to shove away from him to my kitchen sink which is right next to the bed. The pants were tripping me so I kicked them off and grabbed my robe hanging on the closet door and put that on. I belted it and told him to leave and that I would forget this happened if he would just leave then. He got up and grabbed my arm. My robe ripped on the sleeve and it opened for him. He pushed me on the bed and hit my stomach with his elbow accidentally. He then pushed me over so I was lying on my stomach and pushed himself into me. I donít know why I just laid there. But I did and he was done in less than a minute. He didnít say anything else, he just got up got dressed and left without a word. I briefly thought about going to the base hospital but rejected the idea because it was late, and I was too drunk to drive there and I wasnít thinking very clearly. I wasnít physically very hurt either. All I wanted to do was take a shower. I slept in the bathtub that night. The next day at work I kind of just blocked it out of my mind. At the end of the day though, he asked me what kind of alcohol he should pick up to see me again that night. I told him not to come over that I didnít want to. I was in shock. He acted like nothing had happened. He really expected us to still be friends. Ever since, Iíve been acting like it never happened but trying to avoid him if possible, until I started having nightmares and people started to notice that I wasnít acting normal, and now Iím starting to get the shakes when I think about it, and Iím slowly falling apart. Iíve been moody and restless and my work is starting to go downhill. If I tell anyone, it would get reported and Iíd have to prove it happened and I donít think I could face being told that I was making it up. Itís his word against mine and everyone likes him. The nightmares wonít go away and I sleep in the bathtub every night because I get flashbacks around my bed. Does anyone have a good way to make the nightmares go away?
by Annon 3 Dec 2004
I am now 30 years old and my story of abuse is as follows.
I was born in the 70's and a lot of the time was cared for by a close family friend, who was in his 50's
When I was 2 he began to touch me in my sleep.
He would come into my room and perform oral sex on me and have me do the same back.
At 3 he began inserting things inside me like a finger, small carrot, end of hair brush etc.
I would just lay still feeling strange and scared.
He would tell me I was his wanting little wh*re.
Some time later that year he raped me, I told him to stop but it did no good.
This continued for years; by 7 years Iíd not even fight him anymore. Then he moved away.
At the age of 9 I began letting boys at school touch me, as I was brain washed for years by my abuser to believe I was a whore so its how I began to act.
At 11 I let older high school boys have sex with me, Iív lost count how many.
When I was 12 my abuser came back and the abuse started again, I just treated him like any other who had me and even enjoyed him in me.
This in a way made me feel sick inside as the wh*re I had become was his fault anyway.
I became pregnant that year but gave the baby up as my abuser had said if u have a girl Iíll do to her what I did to u back then. So for her safety I gave her up when she was born.
A year later I left home and began working the streets, coped a lot of abuse and bashing there but the drugs I was taking made it all tolerable.
1 night I was raped and beaten and ended up in hospital, I was 14 then..
It was there that doctors and staff seen I needed help.
Now 16 years later Iím off the drugs and away from the prostitution but still mix with nasty abusive men sometimes who only want sex.
by saraon 3 Dec 2004
I have always had this feeling that I was abused by my father. Today I know that I was emotionally and mentally abused by my father. I have always felt that my dad has done something sexually to me, I've just always had that feeling. Recently I have begun to have nightmares about my dad sexually assaulting me. I woke up crying and heaving last night, after one of the nightmares. The nightmare held some details of force. A couple of times during high school I remember freaking out when being hugged, and then having sex with a boyfriend. I really want to know for sure if I've been abused??? I can't get it out of my thoughts
by ALon 2 Dec 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.