To this day I still blame myself. It happened 14 years ago. I was staying at a girlfriend's place where she lived with her boyfriend. His brother was visiting. I was trying to forget the love of my life, who was newly engaged to someone else, by spending time with my friend and playing some games, watching some TV, anything but think of him.
The friend's boyfriend's brother wasn't bad looking, and I admit I flirted, but I was to drained (emotionally) to really play the game. We were all drinking - none of us drunk - and I had enough to make me sleepy. We all went to our perspective sleeping areas. I had the spare room, the brother had the coutch. He made it known earlier that he would be open to getting to know me "better" -not in a threating way- and came into the room looking for attention. With a smile I sent him away. He came back and bugged me until I said sure to a kiss, and he left. I went to sleep. He woke me up when he came in the next time complaining about the coutch and I said that he could SLEEP here, but I was tired. I fell asleep, when I woke next time he was on top of me, kissing me (I had a stuffy nose and could not breathe), and my nightgown was unbuttoned. We struggled, my arms were pinned against my chest somehow and I couldn't push him off. I still remember the snap of his wasteband as he fought to get his sweats down. I tried to move my head to breathe, but he kept kissing me. When I could get a snach of air here or there, I was gasping and said "No!" more than once. My struggling alone was my non-verbal refusal. He got inside me after what seemed like forever trying, but he had to hold me open, so when he did thrust in, I tore and stopped struggling. I was in shock, this was not happening. After a second or two, I started to struggle again and he pulled out and said "All you had to say was no." Why didn't I scream? I don't know, I was embarrased, in shock.
Anyway, I really blame myself. Letting him come into my room, what was I thinking? He really didn't seem like a person who would force me. He was fun, funny, I had liked him.
I had no support. I told my friend when I woke her up to tell her I was leaving. My girlfriend got crap from her boyfriend over it - poor her, so I didn't press charges because I didn't want to mess up her life, and I didn't want to go to court, I didn't want to go public. I didn't want to tell my family. I told one friend and they wanted me to go to the hospital, but refused to go with me.
I ended up in a short-term relationship with the guy who raped me. I still don't know why. Maybe I could pretend it didn't happen somehow? Is that crazy? I don't hear about things like that happening.
I very seldom have nightmares anymore. I haven't been one hundred percent honest with my husband about it, how could he understand if I don't? I blame myself, how could he not? He knows about it,(he is the love of my life I refered to earlier)He and I had stayed friends, and I asked him to come with me to hospital. He agreed without question, but I told him to leave because his girlfriend had a fit when he called her to check in, and I REFUSED to be the reason for them breaking up (as she was threatening).
Anyway, that is my story.
by xeldaon 9 Jan 2005
When I saw the words "why is the darkness following me?", it made me weep. I was gang raped at 17 and spent the next 20 years taking drugs and alcohol on a daily basis. After getting clean at 36, I have felt as if the darkness, or evil, was always at my heels. I believe in god, in good, but there are times when hope eludes me.
At times I find life without anesthesia almost unbearably painful, I have no home, I can't find my place in the world. But I keep going on, looking for the light.
I was a run away, looking for drugs, when I met a nice, clean-feeling man in Atlanta. He walked me into my rape and left me, later returning with the cops, dressed differently, dressed like a cop. I don't know what this meant.
The men were arrested, and later at the station my mother was called. She sided with the rapists, telling me that they had said that they gave me money. At the arraignment I let them go, claiming I did not recognize them. If my mother believed them, why should I go to court against them?
I always thought I had survived intact, but I didn't. I took massive amounts of drugs, I was extremely violent against men. I felt naked, as if everyone could read me and knew that I was low life.
Even after working my way through college and becoming a working artist, inside I am still living in the gutter . To this day I attract alcoholic bum men, those who sweet talk, those who abuse. I still hurt all the time. In sobriety I went through a period of self mutilation with razors that had nothing to do with suicide. I don't sleep well until morning.
I would love to be over the effects of what I lived through, and what I put myself through, but don't know how. Therapy has been of little assistance; how can I trust a therapist? I can't even remember most of my life, so how can I heal? The wound between my mother and I will never heal, even if I do.
In the 12 step programs, I learned that by helping others I was able to relieve a little of my own pain. I have made it a goal to help other young girls escape lives of exploitation and abuse, and I am looking for more ways to do so. When I can't find a light in the darkness, I can try to be one.
by mary on 8 Jan 2005
I am 15 now and I was raped at thirteen. I had this crush on a new guy at school. I think he kind of noticed. I was really into this guy. So I had a party at my house and invited my best friend and we invited my crush's best friend. We told him to invite one person of his choice. We knew he was going to invite my crush. When everybody got there we watched some movies and ate food for about four hours. My parents were at a Christmas party so we had not interruptions. Anyway, when it was about ten o'clock my best friend and my crush's best friend left. My crush offered to stay for a few extra minutes to help me clean up. I told him to start helping me in the living room. I started to have cramps in my stomach so I sat down for a few seconds. Then I started crying because of the pain. My crush came into the room and told me that he knew a massage that would help eliminate the pain. He worked his magic and I thanked him with a kiss. But he took that kiss the wrong way. At that point he still had his hand on my stomach. He made his way up my shirt. He put his hand under my bra and on my breast. I have to admit that I enjoyed it until what happened next. He said “no it isn't right.” I sort of agreed with him because I was starting to feel uncomfortable around him. Little did I know that what he meant by what he was doing didn't feel right was that he needed to be on top of me with my pants off. He took his pants off and I didn't notice it. He was on top of me moving his tongue around my mouth like a worm. All around my mouth until I felt something go into me. I looked down my pants and saw he was sticking his penis into me. I pushed him off and told him that I heard my parents pull into the drive way. He said that I was lying witch was true. He ripped my shirt off. Now he had his penis back in me. He then started to make out with me again and said that he had been waiting for a moment like this to have sex with me. And I told him that we were too young and even if we were old enough he would have to have protection at least for my sake. I didn't want to get HIV or STD. I fell asleep and woke up in my bed. I got pregnant. I told him and he immediately denied that he forced me to have sex with him. I still blame myself for kissing him at first giving him the wrong impression. I gave birth to a baby boy. He met his son and apologized to me and had the guts to try to have sex with me again. My parents didn't want to believe that I was raped. They think that I had sex wanting it and enjoying it. I no longer have their trust. My baby's father's parents know what happened between me and him and are now paying for some of the baby's necessities.
by Hanna on 8 Jan 2005
I was 11 year old, I was in my house and my mother was away. I was with my father. He had told me to lay down with him so I did and that is when he raped me.
by victoria on 7 Jan 2005
Hey, Thanks everyone for posting your stories, I don't feel so alone. I am not going to explain in detail what happened to me because, I am not yet comfortable talking about it. I am 21 one years old , and I am an incest survivor. I say I am a survivor because I am no longer a victim of my father, when I was 7 my sexual abuse started and when I was 13 it finally ended. However I did not tell anyone until I was 18 years old. My healing process is a long journey because I am still healing. For so many years I stuffed my emotions with food , I like myself but know I am learning to love myself. When I am feeling down praying always lifts my spirits. God bless
by Elvieon 6 Jan 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.