It's been 20 years since I was raped. I was 20 at the time.
I was introduced to a man who was a military policeman by a friend of mine. He was very nice and fun to talk too. We were all having dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Afterwards as we were leaving to go home he knew I was driving through the base and asked me if I could give him a ride home. It was on my way home and my friend would have had to go far out of her way to take him home. I didn't mind and knowing he was a policeman I certainly felt no threat. The one thing I'd like to add here is what happened to me just before I went into the restaurant. I pulled up at the restaurant and something told me not to go in there. It was a really strong sense that told me to not do it. The hair on my neck stood up. I couldn't explain it and had no reason to feel that way. I'd eaten there with my friends many times. Finally, I told myself to get out of the car and go inside to have dinner. I thought I was being silly. Now I know it was my "instinct" trying to warn me and protect me. Now, I never go against it, even if it can't be explained!!!
We were having a conversation on the way home as we were driving on a highway. I had on brown pants, a high neck white top and a brown tweed jacket. I certainly didn't think I looked seductive. The next thing I knew he was leaning over the stickshift and squeezing my breast and I told him to stop it! I said, "What do you think you're doing?" I knew I couldn't stop the car, because the road was very dark and there were not a lot of cars on the highway.
The base was open back then, meaning there wasn't a gate to go through. As I was approaching the barracks he told me to turn down this one road. I looked down the road and there were no lights and lots of woods. I told him no that I was not going down that road. He got angry with me for not turning there. I stayed on the main road and pulled up to his barracks. I pulled right under the street light and told him "Good night." He refused to get out and said he would if I moved my car over three spaces. I didn't see the harm in it and made him promise to get out if I did. He promised, so I moved the car. I no sooner pulled the car into the space when he'd turned the car off, unbuckled me and lifted me over the stickshift! He'd laid the seat all the way back and I started fighting him and telling him to get off of me and to stop it! He pulled my blouse up along with my bra and exposed my breast. He held my hands over my head and I couldn't get out of his grip. He molested my breasts with his mouth for ever! I was so embarrassed and humiliated. He tried to get into my pants, but I had a side button pant on and he couldn't figure out how to get in them. As he'd reach down to take my pants off I would pull my bra and shirt down and try to get out the door. Once I got the door opened and I even shouted to someone walking in the distance to "HELP ME!" They turned and looked and kept walking. He pulled me by the hair back into the car and slammed the door. He shoved me back on the seat and pulled my shirt up again and told me to not try that again. While holding my hands over my head he put one hand on my throat and squeezed while yelling at me and laughing. He mouthed my breast while choking me and then he sat up and while I was pulling my shirt back down he reached down and ripped my pants! I told him no again and again. He pushed his body into mine so I couldn't move and he pulled my pants down. I was squeezing my legs together so hard trying to keep him out! He forced them open and he looked down to my face to watch my facial expression as he entered me. I begged him not to cum because I wasn't on any birth control. It hurt! I was virgin and he laughed at me. He said, "Don't worry, I'm on the pill." He held my hands and pulled my shirt and bra back up. He squeezed and pulled at my nipple on one breast and it hurt so bad I thought he was going to rip it off.
As I looked into his eyes I saw something that scared me. His eyes were very dilated and they looked a deep, deep burgundy. I thought right then that if I didn't know better, I'd swear I was looking into the face of Satan himself. I just wanted him to get it over with. Afterwards, he got up and pulled up his pants. I pulled my shirt back down and then pulled my underwear and pants up. Then he said, "Thanks for the ride home." After he got out he turned and threw his phone number in my face and said, "Call me." I was shaking and couldn't believe it. Was he kidding? Why did he do that?
I drove straight home and was so scared my parents were going to see me looking like a mess. I knew that if they had one look at me they would know what happened. They were in bed. I was glad. My dad was a commander at the base and I did not want to drag his name through the papers. I thought all kinds of things for hours trying to decide if I should report it or not. I finally decided that why would they believe me over him? He's a policeman. I threw the phone number into the fire in the fireplace and thought, "I hope he burns in hell just like this paper." Afterwards I went and took a hot shower and scrubbed myself good. I never felt like I could get clean though. I felt so dirty and I was sore even the next day.
Three months later I moved to a big city. I had no money, knew not one person, and had no place to live. I found out then that I was pregnant from the rape! I thought to myself, "Why didn't he just kill me?" I thought I'd rather have died than endure what I was having to go through. Then I thought, "what was the worst thing could happen to me?" And I figured the worst thing was that I could die and if I died I'd be with Jesus and that really wouldn't be so bad. So, I decided if that was the worst that could happen, then I could do anything. I had a sense of calm come over me and I wasn't afraid anymore. So I prayed for guidance. I ended up having an abortion right away. I was so angry. I loved children and always wanted lots of them, but not like that. That was an act of violence and hate.
I've never gotten counseling and think that to this day it might just help me even still if I did. But once again I find myself too embarrassed to speak of it. I didn't tell anyone until I walked into the Planned Parenthood. They were great with me. The thing I regret now is not turning the guy in. I am angry with myself and wonder how many other people has he done this too? At the time though, I didn't think I could have gone through all the extra embarrassment with the medical exam, trial, etc. Mostly, I didn't want to put my dad through that. He'd been through so much in Vietnam and had only recently started acting "normal" again himself. I just didn't want to see him hurt like that.
Please, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! If I'd had followed mine, that never would have happened.
I hope this helps someone out there.
by Penney on 14 Jan 2005
Thank you to for letting me get my story out, even though I have talked about it so much, both in counseling and with my husband, it still feels powerful to share in a forum such as this one.
I was repeatedly molested by my cousin from the ages of about 3 or 4 until I was 11. The thing that has made it so difficult for me was that he was only 1 year older than me and I thought for the longest time that it was my doing. I always remembered it but did not classify it as sexual abuse or anything bad. 4 months ago, however, my world came crashing down as suddenly, at age 31, the little 4 year old inside me spoke out and said the words "I didn't wanna do it, he made me do it." I have been in counseling since then and have recently been getting more and more memories back which have been suppressed for so long.
He would always touch me and get me to touch him, "It's ok", he would say, "This is what people do." "Itís a game, but WE can't let them know what we're doing because WE'LL get into trouble." This was HIS idea. HE was the initiator, not me, and he led me to believe I was a willing participant. And we did get caught from time to time, and you know what, I did get into trouble and then they pretended nothing ever happened. I feel like my whole family knew what was going on and no one ever said anything. I was felt up at Christmas dinner, birthdays, 4th of July, repeatedly, hundreds of times over the course of my childhood. I was never penetrated, but the emotional scars of what happened and for actually being scolded for being abused are quite profound.
I have so many wounds, so many emotional scars, every single symptom of sexual abuse that you can think of I have. I have a wonderful loving husband and 2 beautiful girls and I have to heal for them. I love them so much, I am healing and I am working on this. It is so hard and I have wanted to quit so many times, but I am actually beginning to see some healing and some changes. It gives me hope for the future, for what I can be once these wounds have healed. Thank you for letting me share a bit of myself, if anyone would like to contact me please do so. Thank you all and God bless you.
by Debra Dawn Woodon 14 Jan 2005
Growing up I always watched my father hit my Mom and he always beat me and my brother and sister. That was a way of life in my home and I never knew any better. At some point at age 12, I was taken from my parents and placed in foster care. When I was a sophomore in high school I was involved with a guy who would control my every move. He hit me, emotionally abused me and what's worse was that he made me believe that I deserved it simply because I was a female and females were inferior to men. I believed this throughout the time I dated him. My foster parents were never aware of the pain I was going through. I would always hide the bruises. He constantly pressured me for sex. I always told him no because I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He still pressed the issue nonetheless. I would always go to his best friends house with him after school, it was a normal thing for the four months we had already spent together.
One day, what I thought would be a normal day at his friends house would turn out to be a nightmare I still carry in my dreams to this day. After my Boyfriend left the room, his friend started to flirt with me, despite my attempt to evade him he started touching me. He kissed me just as my boyfriend walked into the room. My boyfriend exploded and he grabbed my arm and pulled me off the bed. He started yelling at me and I tried to explain to him that his friend was the one who made advances. Unwilling to believe me, he claimed that I was a slut and a whore and nobody would have me before he did. He forced me onto the bed and while his friend held me down he took off my clothes. When he penetrated me, it felt like I was being ripped apart. I screamed and told him to stop but he would only force it in harder. I tried to fight them but I couldn't. They took turns with me, forcing me into different positions and forcing me to give them oral sex. When they were finished the beat me up so bad I could barely walk. They put me into the shower and I lay on the shower floor and cried. I don't remember how long I was in there, but my boyfriend came in and turned off the water. He acted like nothing happened and asked me what I was doing on the floor; he gave me my clothes and told me to get dressed so he could take me home. When we got to the front of my house, I started to get out; he grabbed my arm and said that if I told anyone that they raped me that they would kill me. When my foster parents saw me, they started asking questions. I told then that my boyfriend had heard a rumor that I was seeing someone else and we got into a fight and he beat me up. They wanted to call the police but I pleaded with them, so instead they told me that I was to never see or talk to him again. And I didn't.
After it happened, I tried to put it behind me, but in the wrong way. I acted like it didn't happen at all. Nightmares and the pain that it caused hunted me. I had several brief relationships after that and came to meet a person who would ask me to marry him. I never had sex with any of those guys. I was afraid of the memories it would stir. I was engaged for a little over a year with one of the greatest guys I've ever known, but months before our wedding he was killed by a drunk driver. I was sent into a spiraling depression and I started to have suicidal thoughts. Not wanting to continue on to college with out my fiance, I decided to join the Army, and I left town. At the time I felt like it was the only thing to do.
Still burdened with nightmares, I started a new life at my new duty station in Korea. I met a guy when I first got there. He seemed like he was a good guy, he and I started dating almost immediately after I got there. When he wanted to have sex, I told him no. He pressed the issue also. He started making out with me on his bed. I told him I didn't want to have sex and I wanted to leave. He didn't listen to me. He pulled down his pants then mine, I told him again to stop. I didn't try to fight him nor did I scream. He penetrated me and immediately I started to cry. Images of my first raped flooded my mind. He stopped and pulled his pants back on and pulled me off of the bed. I pulled my pants back on. He started to say he was sorry, he didn't mean to push me and gave me a hug. He asked me if something had happened in my past. I didn't answer him and I left. I found out later that I was pregnant. Though at first I didn't consider what happened with him and me rape.
Then a few weeks after that I met another great guy, who I would also become engaged to be married to. He was the first person I confided about my rape in high school. He had learned of the other rape just by rumor mill of the Army barracks. The first three months of our relationship was building back trust and learning not to be scared of men. After I had made it to the point of being comfortable with he and I being alone and cuddling, we took our relationship to the next level and we had sex. Still images of the rapes flooded my mind. I would cry. I asked him to stop. He stopped and would comfort me. After I got to the point that was comfortable having sex with him, I knew I was working toward a path of healing. I wasn't scared anymore. Because I was pregnant my time in Korea was cut short and I was sent back to the states. We broke up shortly after I returned to the states because of the distance. But what I keep from our relationship would help me for the rest of my life. He brought me back from a all time low, a point that I could only see pain and suffering, to happiness and higher self esteem then I ever had before.
I have recently entered a new relationship. I learned examine my surroundings more carefully. He and I have sex that is no longer associated to the pain of the past. He knows of my past and is always careful about not appearing to try and dominate me in such a way that would make me think he would hurt me. My son is the highlight of my life. Though the circumstances were unfortunate, I do not regret my past. It has made me the person I am today. I still have nightmares, but it doesn't have an effect on my life like it used to, although I am still going to counseling. It's been very helpful for me and the other women.
by Ashleyon 13 Jan 2005
II am 21 now and was 16 when I was raped. I finally took my first step and saw a counselor today, got straight to the point. I feel like I accomplished something today. All my pain is coming out yet it feels good to not hide anymore.
I have been hiding so many years I just donít know how to deal sometimes, but my son helps me get through it. He is Two and he is my inspiration he is MY WORLD! :) I dropped out of school because the pain was too hard to deal with smoked pot drank excessively and did anything in my power to hide the pain. But I have rised from my ashes and am ready to face my fears and I would like another step by telling my story, I know reading everyoneís stories has helped me relate and not feel alone so hear you go.
I went to this party with some friends and my friends knew these people and I had met most of them a few times and felt comfortable to hang around with them and get "shitfaced" and so I did.
I remember being cold and people talking and being carried up the stairs (Later was told I passed out on a car) My friend had carried me to a bedroom at the party. I remember the room the black lights and the tint in the room, the light that came in from the bottom of the door. I also remember waking up with a acquaintance in my face asking me if I wanted something to eat. The next thing I remember is him inside of me with my pants down on my knees. I remember beer bottles clanging as the bed moved and the lights from outside, His face, his noises the way he looked in the backlight his smell his cologne, my tears rolling into my ears and I was fuc*ing scared to say no. Did I pursue this I asked myself? Then I said no and he asked me WHAT? I said no again and he got off me. I was in denial because he got off. Cause I said No. I was in big time denial, I remember talking to him and resolving it, then falling asleep and waking up on a bare mattress and looking out the window in disgust, looking at the school across the street and watching some sort of Football practice. I went to go to the bathroom and I was bleeding. The rest of the day I denied anything went wrong I was to blame I did this,
These things haunt me. I see these things in my dreams I have put myself in horrible relationships where I am emotionally abused and in anyway possible put in situations where I feel I owe men something, I feel deep down I have been stepped on taken advantage of and ridiculed by men and Iím sick of it. Itís time I stand up and fight and feel like I am worthwhile, special and important! I will fight this and climb out of my cocoon and become a beautiful butterfly. Itís about time! Thanks for listening. I hope this helps anyone not feel so alone.
by Haleyon 13 Jan 2005
I relate with the stories...my issue at hand is the constant feeling of feeling molested. When I'm not even around someone. When I wear loose fitting clothing I feel molested. I feel like I need support all the time but just enough to not make me feel claustrophobic. Does any woman relate? I also feel this only when I get intimate with a "nice" guy. I feel disgusted with myself or even worse-with them! I hate this! I feel like I will be alone forever!
My last relationship was very seductive- and he mentally and sexually abused me a lot -though I thought at the time that I was enjoying it. But I really hate it! Please email me with your thoughts- suggestions...
Alone and Desperate
by Lindseyon 13 Jan 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.