Hey out there.
Umm...I'm not sure what to say. I was molested by my grandfather from age 11-15. I'm 15 right now. It wasn't that long ago that he last molested be. He was so good at what he did that my parents could be in the room and not even know. It made me feel dirty and sick and worthless. I still have nightmares and trouble sleeping and problems with dealing with people. And worst of all is my dad doesn't really believe me and still wants me to see him. I have a lot of confusing thoughts and feeling and I feel really alone, but apparently I'm not. Please, contact me. I need someone to talk to.
by Jeson 25 Feb 2005
Looking back I do not remember when the abuse started. I think it was when I was 3 or 4. The scary part is that my first childhood memory was of being raped. I never forgot that and did not forget the other times my cousins raped and sodomized me. All throughout my childhood I remember. It is like each event is different kind of abuse. I do think that there are many memories that I do not remember but I remember enough. I don't remember how old I was when it stopped. I think I was in 8th grade or a freshman in High school. I think the abuse stopped because they grew up and moved away (military and other stuff). I spent a lot of years in darkness....blaming myself and closed off from others. I stand here today in my mid 30's thankful that I am not only alive, but that through years of therapy I have been able to not only survive but to thrive as well.
by Storm Runneron 24 Feb 2005
I would never think the earliest memories of my childhood would start out with a feeling a betrayal and shame.
I was only 9 when my own cousin who I trusted and adored molested me. I used to look up to him and think he was great because he made me feel special and gave a lot f attention to me. My older brother and I used to go there every afternoon to play videogames. My cousin would always get up and leave early...when he would get up the stairs he would call me upstairs. I would go, because I did not know he was going to do what he did that day. I walked up and went into his room where he was sitting in his computer chair. When I got inside he went to the door and locked it behind me. Then he grabbed my hand and walked me to his bed and laid me down. He took off my shirt and my jeans. I wanted to say no but I was too shocked and did not realize what it was that he was doing to me. He would kiss my neck and touch me all over with his dirty hands pretending to care about me and always telling me he loved me. He would lay me on him faced the opposite direction and kiss me in between my legs and make me hold his.....and rub it.....I remember being tired and wanting to go but he would grab my arms and tell me harder...I did not know if what he was doing was wrong I was too ashamed to talk to anyone about it and now I realize what a big mistake that was.....he went on taking advantage of me until I was 10 and he tried to push himself in me and I screamed.....he asked me if it hurt and when I said yes, he stopped trying, but he continued molesting me everyday. One day I was outside with my friends and I did not realize until my friends began to say “you have a hikky...” I remember being confused not understanding what they were saying...I went home and looked in the mirror and I had this big red looking mark on my neck which I realized a year later to be a hikky. I stopped going to his house then and began to avoid him, he would sometimes ask me if I was mad and to come over, but I never did. I still see him to this day....and he pretends that nothing ever happened....he calls me his favorite niece...and tells me I was a very cute child.....I play along with him too, I never told my mom because I know it would hurt her and I was afraid my family would break apart and hate me....but I don't forgive him...I still remember the nights I stayed awake crying thinking I could be pregnant...feeling my stomach and starving myself. He might not remember but I won’t forget.
by It wasn't a dreamon 21 Feb 2005
I see the person that made my life a living HELL about every day. I go around acting like I am not effected but deep inside I REALLY am. This is why:
My mom used to go out of town a lot. I was left home with my step-dad. We were all cool at first but that all changed. Most people when they take a bath they get dressed in the bathroom. At first I didn't. My step-dad was drinking with some of his friends when I got in the tub. When I got out I didn't think anything of it. I wrapped myself in a towel and went into my room. I wasn't in the room long before "he" followed me. I thought he was playing with me until I turned around and he looked mean. I told him to get out until I got dressed. He didn't say a word he just walked towards me. I was about to go over my bed to go out the door but he grabbed my leg. I really couldn't believe what was happening. He took my towel and put it on the floor. He hit me in the stomach so that I wouldn't move. He told me to be quiet. He is 6'9" and very strong so I obeyed. I closed my eyes because I didn't want to see what was happening next. I then felt like I was dying. Pains shoot through all part of my body. He stared to feel on me and all I remember are the tears running down my face and how much pain I was in. He told me that if I dare to scream he would make sure that I was in really pain. He said he was "going easy on me". I didn't want it to get worse so I just kept it inside. When he was done he gave me the towel back and said “you’re bleeding, clean yourself up." I didn't move until he was out the room. I couldn’t believe what had actual happened. I tried my best to walk to the bathroom but every time I took a step I wanted to let out a loud scream. I finally made it to the bathroom after what seemed like an hour. I took a long shower. Even though I washed myself a hundred times I could not get that awful feeling off of me. When I got out of the bathroom I still had trouble walking. I got in my bed and after about two hours I fell asleep. About 2 in the morning "he" came in and woke me up. He said he was sorry and he didn't know what he was dong. I said alright and rolled over.
Deep inside I knew that he was sorry but I couldn’t get over the fact that he did what he did. That next morning when I went to school I could not stop cry. When people asked I just said "Don't Worry".
My mom came home three days after the incident. When she came home tried my best to act like nothing had happened. I didn't want to be around anybody.
(It's been about a while and my mom does not know. She has a hint but I won't tell her. I will eventually)
If you think you can help me then e-mail me. (Kaimone2000@yahoo.com)
by MCon 21 Feb 2005
I’m glad I found this site because I don’t feel so alone now. My parents are heroin addicts. It’s there fault I’ve been raped more times than I can remember. I don’t want to remember but I’ve got no choice. They couldn’t afford to buy drugs. My mom was used goods so they put me up for sale instead. The 1st time it happened I can remember thinking “this really isn’t going to happen” I thought it was a joke. When I was sat on my bed doing homework the man who brought the drugs came in to my room. He came and sat on my bed and was just talking. Then he said how pretty I was and was trying to stroke my hair. I tried to get up because he was scaring me but he pulled me back and told me I had to do it for my parents. He held me down on my own bed while my parents were downstairs knowing what he was doing but they were too busy. He had his mouth all over me and ripped off my pants and forced himself between my legs. I never had sex before and he hurt me so much. It happened again loads of times with another man as well; they both just used me as payment. I got pregnant and I was going to have an abortion but it was too late before I decided. I wanted to adopt but she was born last week 7 weeks early and she’s really ill. I don’t know if she’ll make it but I’m not giving her up now. I’m staying at my grandmothers for now and I just hope I get the strength to tell her everything that’s been gone on and pray she won’t send me back there because I’d rather die than go back there and take my little girl near them.
by Jayaon 21 Feb 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.