I've not been raped/molested and I don't even know anyone who has been. Lately I have become very aware and angry about it, from of all things, a movie.
The Sunday before the Oscars I watched the movie "Stone Cold" staring Tom Selleck based on a book by Robert Parker. Part of the story is about a 16 year old girl who is gang raped by three 17 year old boys, who even took photos of themselves doing it. What I had a strong reaction to was that all they got was 3 years probation and 120 hours of community service (only a 120 hours) even with the pictures and the girl willing to testify. The boys were even allowed to go back to the same school as the girl. I hate it when the bad guys win.
I had an as strong reaction to the injustice of this as if she had been my own daughter. I even had to talk to my own shrink about it. I am bipolar. I thought well this is just fiction, that couldn't happen in real life. Boy, was I stupid. I am glad I finally found a site like this, that could educate me. I'm not the best web searcher but you would think it would be easier to find sites like this. And also I couldn't find a site that deals with civil suits for rape, even with the recent case in Colorado.
In the past I have read the "Gor" science fiction books by John Norman. Which had what I thought harmless Images and fantasies in them. I now realize that they really were training manuals for rapists. I have to see if I still have any so that I can burn them!
I mentioned that I am bipolar, so you know I have my own issues to deal with. But, ladies, reading your stories has given me a great deal of inspiration, and I just wanted to let you know that I have a great deal of respect and admiration for how you are dealing with what you are dealing with. I salute you!
by John Dzikion 30 Mar 2005
I remember it was a really hot day. Cartoons were on and we were living in a motel because "heĒ, my stepdad, got us evicted from our home. I was laying on my stomach because I get really bad back pains right before I get my period. He asked me if I wanted a back massage. I was 13 and the pain was so bad that I threw up. He straddled me while I lay on my stomach and he massaged my back. Then he started to kiss my back and then he was kissing me behind and he asked if it was ok. I was scared...he was 6'2" and had been in prison for beating someone near death. I didn't say anything and he said he would teach me things and it was ok because he had done it for a girl before when he lived in Colorado. I never told my mom and for a few months afterward it was still only him touching me. Then after he got us a new house, he asked if he could have sex with me. Again I was frightened. But when he tried to put it in me I screamed and cried and curled up into a ball. That's when it got worse. From then on he had me have sex with him from the time I was 13 to right before my 16th birthday. There is more but that's how in depth I can go. My family, friends and boyfriend know what happened. But it doesn't change the way they treat me. He is in prison and on April 28th of this year I am going to testify at his bail hearing. After that there will be a trial. And you know what? I'm going to testify then too. And I hope with all of my being he gets what he deserves...life in prison. Thank you for listening.
by Amandaon 28 Mar 2005
After months of therapy and reading other's stories of abuse, I feel the urge to share my own tale.
I was molested by an older cousin from the ages of 3 or 4 to around 11. Nothing violent ever happened to me, far from it, I was made to feel pleasure and excitement, along with the shame and fear. I see now how damaging this was to my young mind. Several times during those years we were "caught" by parents, grandparents and others, yet nothing was ever done. Because of his age, it was assumed (I suppose) to be child sex play. I was actually chastised and punished for "fooling around", yet I was far from in control of the situation. It makes me so angry to think about it. It was nothing innocent, it was nothing experimental, it was coercive, secretive, and controlling. I have so few memories of those times, just scattered bits of images, sensations, and emotion. It is extremely difficult for me to accept that I probably never will know what exactly happened to me. It seems like if I only could remember, than I would be justified in my feelings. Yet as it is, I still struggle with doubts as to my reality and with minimizing what happened all those years ago. The strongest memory I have is a body sensation of him rubbing his penis against my abdomen (I think he did this a lot), and I can hear his heavy breathing in my ear.
Because I was so highly sexualized at far too early an age, I continued in abusive sexual behavior for my entire adolescence. I began being promiscuous with others, aside from my cousin, at the tender age of 10. I was never a virgin, or at least never felt like one, I was different, I was bad, I was dirty, I wasn't feminine, I felt like if anyone ever really KNEW me, then they would know the truth. I shoved it down, I forgot it, I labeled the whole thing under "things that happened that didn't affect me." yeah, right. I straightened up in college, got married, became a Christian, yet I never felt quite "right." It was as if the world was just slightly off, and no one knew it but me. I knew I was screwed up, I just didn't know why. Then at the age of 31, when my second daughter was about to turn 3, I had THE BREAKDOWN. I remembered it, well, I remembered that I didn't want to do it and I was coerced. Then once it was out, rather to my chagrin, I was forced to deal with it. And deal with it I did, quite intensely I might add. That was 6 months ago, and only now am I beginning to feel like life is worth living. I feel so good some days, it simply amazes me, I have never felt so healthy in my entire life. I love my husband so much, and I feel like I have hope for the first time in my life.
I still have quite a journey ahead of me, but I am well on my way down the road. I hope that gives some of you out there a little bit of hope on your own journey. Just remember that it will get better, even if it seems your life is a bottomless pit of darkness. If you feel like quitting, remember to reach out for help. There are many resources out there, seek professional help. Don't ever give up, you are more than this. Thank you, may God bless you all.
Oklahoma City, OK
"Being confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6
by Debra Woodon 28 Mar 2005
Only a few nights ago, I was raped by a close friend. He came to my house after the bar. I was going to let him sleep on my bed and I would have slept on the floor. We've been really good friends for awhile, and I have a boyfriend, so I didn't feel concerned. Well, I woke up with him on top of me, being very rough. I cried and tried to stop it, but I blacked out. I woke up naked in the morning, beside him, feeling disgusted. I got up and found bruises around my neck from being choked. After going to the doctor, Iím in a rough shape. I already have endometriosis, so you can imagine the pain I am still in. I don't know what to do about it, I am terrified of everyone and trust very few. My boyfriend wants to kill him, and the friend who raped me says that he is interested romantically in me. Sure buddy... That's why you raped me.
by Meagan Ashley on 26 Mar 2005
Hello Iím 34 at the time of writing this. I was brought up in North West England with my mum, a twin brother and a sister who is 10 years younger than me. My dad was always going to the pub in the afternoon and at nights. He was an alcoholic. He met this man in the pub who became a friend of the family. He used to visit quite often. He would bring us chocolate and stuff. We never had a bathroom; we just had a outdoor toilet. When I think back to that house it reminds me of poverty. Anyway, after some time of knowing this man, me and my brother would start going to his house more than often separately so we could have a bath. He had a mirror in the corner of the bathroom near the door which could be seen from near the top of the stairs and displayed a view of the bath where he would creep upstairs and watch. I was about 10 at the time when the sexual abuse began and continued more or less once every week/2 weeks until I was 15. In fact Iíd be lying if I said nothing happened after the age of 15. It began with him towel drying me and masturbating, etc. On occasions he would make me perform oral sex on him off and masturbate him. I feel so ashamed to this day because I should have said something to my parents about this. He was later charged and sent to prison for sexually abusing my sister (I had the chance to come forward then but was too ashamed still). He was released from prison after 9 months, and since been sentenced for abusing another child only to be released again. At the age of around 29, my brother and I smashed all his windows while he was in his house. We got arrested for it, which led to us both pressing charges (apparently its never too late to press charges). It went as far as court but it was acquitted on the grounds that I never came forward when my sister did. I never even got the chance to speak in court. I think itís so wrong for these types of people to be allowed to walk. Once a pedophile, always a pedophile. A death sentence or a lifetime in prison is the only means of dealing with these monsters. I feel totally heartbroken and devastated inside. Part of me died back then and part of me is still dead.
by Jayon 25 Mar 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.