I am now 19 and have reached a point in my life where I no longer feel I am to blame for the things that have happened to me.
As a child I spent years living in fear of my violent alcoholic father who would beat my mum, threaten to kill us have affairs etc. When he finally left us all for another woman, he left us with no home and a broken mum.
At 12 and with no one to turn to I felt grateful when an older man in his late 40's who was respected in the community took an interest in me and gladly listened to my concerns and problems. He ran a small local community centre with a bar and I would often go down there to hang out with my friends. My friends always had young lads after them and no one ever seemed interested in me - until of course this particular man started to declare his love for me.
At first it was because I was apparently like his daughter and he would tell me how beautiful I was. I was extremely flattered and was grateful for the compliments. I began to see him more often and he would allow me to stay late at the centre and buy me lots of alcoholic drinks. When we were alone he would touch me, show me his penis but always told me this was because he loved me.
This went on for over three years. . After he had left his job at the centre I met him and we slept together. I never saw him again. I had consented to sex just as I had allowed him to touch my body and kiss me because I loved him and he promised me the world.
At 16 I began to sort of realize what had happened to me and I began to feel ashamed of myself. I decided to block out and ignore the emotions by taking drugs,(my favorite unfortunately being cocaine), drinking and even sleeping around. This all began to get out of hand but I was brought back down to earth and shocked back into reality.
I had been out one night in town with my friend and was dosed up to the eye balls on coke and booze. I got talking to some bloke and he seemed quite nice. We chatted most of the night, my friends went home and I stayed for another drink with him and his mates. I began to feel drowsy though and passed out. (whether this was down to the drugs I had taken myself or something they had given me I dont no).
I woke up on a bed with one of the men on top of me and inside me. My body felt so heavy and I could hardly moved. I slurred at him to get off me but he just laughed and carried on enjoying himself at my expense. He finally ejaculated and got off me. Relieved it was over I struggled to sit up and was about to try to attempt to find my clothes and get out when another man came in pushed me down and it started again. I attempted a scream but just got a slap and a hand over my mouth 'shut up and take it bitch' I was told.
When they had finally all finished they went in the next room and sat laughing and getting pissed chatting about 'the bitch in the next room'. I managed to stumble out and get a taxi home.
I felt so dirty and believed that it was all I was worth. I thought that I had asked for it for being so wrecked in the first place.
I tried to turn my life around, and after some hard effort (but still a lot of blocking out) worked hard and got a promotion at work.
I was a restaurant manager and was told when I was 18 that I could run the bar. My 18th birthday came and to cut what could be another long story short as I locked up alone on my birthday a man who I vaguely knew and who was the last to leave followed me into the office and raped me over my desk. I lay there in complete disbelief that it could be happening again. It was my birthday and I worked hard to get that desk. The bastard. When he finished he told me that he just thought I was one of those girls who enjoyed saying no. And I began to believe it.
My legs are covered in scars from where I have sliced them up in fits of rage and self hatred towards myself. I nearly did start taking drugs again but somehow managed to resist and I decided to return to college.
I still have a drink problem but have recently started to stop blaming myself.
I will continue though to keep picking myself up no matter how many bastards knock me down. Some days are harder than others but every day now I begin to feel a little part of my heart and soul slowly beginning to heal.
Thank you for listening and thank you to those who shared their stories as it has been a great help to me/
by Kateon 1 Jan 2006
I don't feel like what happened to me was as bad as what happened to the most of you but I am still suffering the effects. I think any kind of sexual interference is damaging.I was mostly physically and psychologically abused by my legally adopted father and I tried to kill myself when I was twelve. I also started to have an eating disorder, but I pulled myself back from the brink.He also sexually abused me but most of it was without touching, watching me in the shower. He exposed himself to me from the age of 11 and once I thought he would actually rape me when he started touching me up and I found I was paralyzed so I let him because I was afraid that he would beat me up or worse. I knew that it would only get worse until he did actually rape me. So I started to fight back. I blocked everything out for years. So I told him to stay away from me and he did except he used to threaten to rape me, even in front of my mother who ignored it. He still occasionally punched and kicked me as usual but I still think that being beaten is better than rape. No one in my family cares about what he did to me but I am getting better without them.
by Jenon 1 Jan 2006
I had been invited to my best guy friend's fraternity banquet along with the rest of my friends. You could say that all of my friends and most of the guys in *Adam's* fraternity are close friends. We all had fun at the banquet and danced the night away at the after party. My room mate and I went back to our dorm room and got ready for bed around 4am. I had wanted to talk to *Mike*, one of *Adam's* fraternity brothers and close friend of mine. He seemed really down since his breakup and up until then had been a perfect gentleman to me. I sent him a text message telling him that I had wanted to talk to him but that maybe we could catch lunch another day and got into bed. A minute or two later, I got a call from him saying that he was downstairs. Worried, I went downstairs to find him in his SUV in the dorm circle drive. I got in the car and asked if he was okay. I could tell he was still drunk. He asked me what I wanted to talk about, but I could see that he was falling asleep and drunk and it was too cold outside to let him sleep in his car without it running. So I told him that I could take him home and he could come back in the morning with him car or he could sleep over. He chose to sleep over. We shared my bed he kept talking but I couldn't really make sense of what he was saying so I dozed off to sleep. I think I was just mumbling back to him. I thought I was dreaming but I wasn't, next thing I knew he was on top of me. I didn't scream, but I remember telling him ,"no, no sex, no". I think I was in denial for so long, I didn't want to believe that someone I trusted had hurt me like that, that he would take away my virginity. It didn't actually hit me that that was what had happened until he asked me if I had taken Plan B. That's when I couldn't lie to myself anymore or makeup stories to tell myself that nothing had happened. I wish everyday that I had never sent that text message. I've tried to reach out to people for help but it seems that some people I thought I could rely on have just shut themselves off from me. And one of the hardest things about this is that the person who did this to me has been one of the most supportive. I want to hate him, but how can I when he's the one who will listen when I need to talk?
by Susieon 30 Dec 2005
My story happened two and a half years ago and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.
A group of friends and I decided we would go to this club in the town. I had only had one drink the whole night. During the night I began to talk to this man who seemed to be around 21 years. I thought he was sound enough but I was wrong.
Outside the club while we were waiting for a taxi the man came out and approached me once more. He pulled me aside away from my friends and the next thing I realized I was on the ground round the side of the club. I don't know how to express what had happened. I can still see it in my head like it only happened yesterday. I was kicking and screaming but he wouldn't let me go. He just wouldn't let me go. He finally let me go when I kicked him in the face and broke his nose and that's when I ran to my friends. I was in such a state. I think they thought it was the drink. None of them know what happened to me that night.
I've seen him again since that night and I'm very scared. I feel like he is following me, like everywhere I turn he will be there. Only my current boyfriend knows and he is the only one I can talk to about it.
by M-Jon 30 Dec 2005
I have been reading all these stories and can't believe people have been through more terrible things then me. I was sexual abused by my brother and I'm still being emotional abuse by my father. Life has been so hard that I even thought of suicide. I'm doing a project on Teenage abuse and dedicating this project to all people who have been abused.
by Cat on 29 Dec 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.