It seems strange to think that I've blocked out the details of my past. I've pushed beyond the emotions of pain, regret, the feeling of rejection from society, the guilt I felt for delaying my freedom through fear and silence...
I've let my mind wonder -- being lead by God's guiding hand -- and come back to who I am and for what I stand.
I know that you want to hear my sob story.
Yet, it seems pointless for me to tell my story of how my father, who begot me out of wedlock, who was married to my mother's sister, molested me and filled my head with lies for so long, just so we can break out of the mental prison we put ourselves in.
Perhaps sometimes it's necessary, but I say wake up. You're not the only one who is fighting.
I am NOT the child I was -- helpless to make decisions without knowledge of who to trust. I no longer have to force myself into believing I like something so horrible when I don't. Even if it DID feel good at times, it also felt so WRONG and it pushed me away from the experience of God's grace.
I'm glad that even though I endured so much -- even after being removed from my sexual abuse -- that God pulled me through. I'm glad that God instilled in me the courage to speak out against the forces that were closed in on me; and I pray that if possible, every instrument of evil be spared his soul and be put to use in God's will.
For it is our thoughts that bind us to our actions, and even Paul, who was a murderer, became one of God's greatest tools.
I WAS a molested child, now I'm a Warrior and a Veteran in God's army. I'm not retired yet from my battles, and I make this a battle cry against the forces who persecute and deceitfully persuade all of us. This is the day that the Lord will deliver you! It is your duty to keep fighting. Place your faith in God to prevail where you can't and remember that you don't fight against people, you fight their thoughts that control them against you.
Never lose hope! Even if you DIE fighting such evil, you CAN win! We will all die one day, but only God decides that day, so LIVE -- don't die defeated and forgotten. LIVE, and know who you are! KNOW that you're unique, AND LET NO ONE OPPRESS YOU.
Having said that, I resume my role in God's campaign.
God Bless You All
by Garyon 5 Apr 2005
I've lived with my dad my whole life, with my sister. I moved in with my ma when I was 13. When I was visiting, I was sexually assaulted by a 23 year old guy that I knew for 3 years. That night was horrible. I didn't know it was wrong and it actually made me feel special at first cause all my friends liked him. But then he started doing things I didn't like and I was just numb. He was a big muscular guy and I don't know what would've happened if I fought back. His 28 year old girlfriend was there and she didn't do anything she was acting like she wanted that to happen.
The next night, I went back to my ma's and I told her and we went to the police station right away. As soon as we said his name the cop said "we know him", "we're doing an investigation on him now." It makes me mad cause its like don't you see the 13 year old girls going in and out of his house every day. Well that case is done and over with now and now I'm 15 and I always get scared whenever I'm outside at night and I always have flashbacks.
Now I have to deal with worse things. My sister, Kayla, is 17 and she told me our dad sexually assaulted her between the ages of 7-13. We went through one court case and he was found guilty and we have to go through another one cause it happened in 2 different counties. I don't know what to do or who to believe cause my dad and I were really close. I don't know if anything ever happened between me and him. I just can't remember anything from when I was living with him.
I don't see how him going to jail is going to help anyone cause I know he won't do it again. I'm scared of whats gonna happen to him and to my family. His side of the family doesn't want anything to do with me and Kayla. I visited my grandma from his side on Easter and all she could talk about was the case and it hurt so much. I heard from my ma that my grampa did it to my aunts too and that it was a "family" thing. They can't bring that up in court though. I don't know what to do anymore, please help me.
I found this site cause I couldn't sleep and I was looking up stuff on sexual assault and stuff, cause I don't know what to do. All this brings back so many memories. What happened to me was 3 years ago and I don't know what to do to make it all go away. Please help me and if you have any suggestions write me at firstname.lastname@example.org
by heatheron 4 Apr 2005
It was my ex-best friends stepfather...
I am 13 going to be 14 in 6 days. It happened when I was only 12. The first anniversary has just passed. I went to my friends house like I usually do almost every weekend. I was making breakfast for the family, but there was no milk and we needed milk. I told my friend and her mom to go to the store and get some because I wanted to take a shower. I knew that her older sister was there and I trusted her alot. So I went to go take a shower but they didn't tell me that her older sister had gone with them.
I got out of the shower and went to go get dressed in my friends room. Right when I closed the door her stepfather walked in on me naked! I stared, then quickly threw on my towel. I knew something was going to happen so I asked him to get out so I could finish getting dressed. He gave me a look as if I had been bad or done something to make him angry. Then he grabbed me and started touching me!
I screamed but I then stopped because he was telling me that he would just go harder if I yelled more. He took me into his bedroom were he and my friends mother slept. I was crying so hard, I couldn't say anything. Then he had all of my clothes off and threw me into the closet. They had a huge closet with so many shoes in there. He held me down and took his pants off. Then he forced himself on me! I tried my hardest to yell or scream but I just couldn't.
I don't go to counseling, nobody even knows about this apart from any of you who read this. Most of the stories I have read, it says they were 16 or 18, but I am only 13 and it happened last year.
I get so confused sometimes, not knowing whether it was my fault or not. I mean I didn't yell or scream or even say anything. I just sat there and cried. After he raped me he told me that I was bleeding and I should go clean it up before the family gets back home. I tried to get up but I hurt everywhere. I haven't talked to a doctor or anyone else about it. I am still scared he will come back to me.
I have never and will never again go into a closet. I am scared to death when people touch me. At school everyone thinks I have the perfect life I am always so happy, but they don't know that real me. My maths teacher one time put his hand on my shoulder and I flipped out and started crying. He sent me to the counselor but I just said that he scared me.
I am 13 and I don't want to cause any trouble but I just want to know if I did something wrong, if I could have said something or gave him the impression that I wanted it because I didn't!
I used to bleed but I don't any more it stopped after like 4 weeks. I am just happy I didn't get pregnant. This man drove a motorcycle. Whenever I hear one I also flip out. He was my best friends stepfather. I knew him for so long. I thought I could trust him. But I was wrong!
by paigeon 3 Apr 2005
I knew he put something in my drink as soon as I fell to the ground. I crawled to his room and locked the door behind me. I awoke with him kneeling, naked, beside me masturbating close to my face. I kept saying "what are you doing? Get away from me" My body felt paralyzed. He kept saying disgusting things to me that I find even hard to repeat. He only made "actual" contact with me for a couple of seconds before I finally got enough strength to push him off of me. I laid there exhausted and crying. He laid quietly beside me. I looked over at him in disgust and said "Out of all the things that you have put me through, what can you possibly think of that would be the worst?" I waited patiently for his reply. I wasn't prepared for what he was about to say. With a smirk on his face his reply was "I guess it would be the time when we were at that party and we were in the truck. You kept saying no, no, no and I just kept on doing whatever I wanted." All of a sudden all of these memories came back to me. I laid there in shock still unable to move. I kept thinking it was a dream. I relived it all in my head. I remembered every single detail about that night. After it happened he got out of the truck and went back to the party. I wiped my tears, put my clothes back on, gathered myself together, went back out to the party and never told anyone what happened. The rape happened 11 years ago and he just told me this about 5 months ago. I kept telling him that he "screwed me up." All my life seemed to make sense. That is why I went through all the crap that I did, and still am going through. I don't know how to deal with this. It is constantly on my mind. I dream of it every single night. I am having severe panic attacks where I can't even leave my house. I haven't really talked about this since it happened. I hope telling my story will be a start to my recovery. I don't want to say that I am a victim. I hope to say that I will bea survivor some day. Thanks for listening
by samion 3 Apr 2005
I was raped repeatedly by my uncle when I was 4 and 5 years old. I am now 23. My mom and my older brother used to go to spend time at my grandma's house a lot. She had a big old farmhouse. My uncle had a room in the attic. He would take my brother and me up to his room to "play a game of hide-and-seek". He told my brother (who is only one year older than me) to go off in the corner and hide. Then he would take me into his bed and rape me.
I lived with this dark secret for 15 long years. I finally revealed it to my family. I was relieved to get it out in the open. But, there is still isn't one day that goes by, that these intrusive memories don't continue to haunt me to the very core.
by Lilyon 3 Apr 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.