It started when I was around 6. I was staying overnight at my cousins house along with my brother. The three of us were asleep when I was awakened by a tingling feeling in between my legs. It felt like someone was trying to shake me awake. I now know that he had his finger inside of me. I thought that I was dreaming and didn't know what was going on. After a little while, light from a passing car on the street came in through the window and I saw my Uncle down at the foot of where I was sleeping. That night he had refused to let me sleep on the bunk bed with my brother and cousin, he made me sleep on the floor so he could get to me without waking the boys up. I started to cry and yell for him when I seen him. He pretended to come in through the door like he wasn't inside of the room. I was crying and wasn't sure what had happened. He took me to the bathroom and told me that I had wet the bed and made me change my underwear.
When I was around 9 the same Uncle had rented an apartment from my Mom across the street from where we lived. He would have me over often and treat me better than any of the other kids, buying me things and taking me places. He told me that I was his favorite and that I was special because he was my God Father. He molested me all of the time and I didn't think that there was anything wrong with what he was doing to me. It makes me sick when I think about it because he was the first person to make me climax. When that would happen, he would tell me that was how he knew that I liked what he was doing to me. He convinced me that this was our special time together and that he did these things because he loved me more that the others. One night, after he had finished molesting me, he went to put me to bed. He told me that I could sleep in bed with him. I was happy to, since my brother and cousin were made to sleep in sleeping bags on the floor that night. When I got into bed with him he told me that since he had made me feel good I should make him feel good too. He took my hand and made me rub his penis. I told him that I didn't want to do that, he then took off his underwear and told me to pretend that his penis was a popsicle. I did it because I was afraid that he would get mad. He took off my underwear and started touching me again. I started to cry because I knew that something wasn't right. He picked me up and put me on top of him. He started to rub my back and told me that it was alright, then I felt him reach in between my legs. He smashed my face into his chest to muffle my screams and then he put himself inside of me. When I started to scream and cry he told me that I needed to be quiet or I would wake up the boys and they would see what I was doing to him. As he raped me, I remember thinking that he was trying to kill me because it hurt so bad. Afterwards, he carried me downstairs and gave me a bath. He told me that I shouldn't tell my mom what happened because she would be mad at me for doing those things to him.
After that he started letting his friends rape me too.
My Mom and Dad had recently divorced, so my mom needed babysitters for my brothers and me while she went to work. She counted on my Uncle, her brother, to watch us. She also let one of my Uncle's friends rent a room from us because she was short on money. When she would go to work she would leave the two of them there to babysit. One day my Uncle called me into the house while I was playing outside. He made me go to my room. I remember trying to push their hands away and trying to get off of the bed. I was only 10, they were in their 30's. They pinned me down on my bed and started putting their fingers inside of me. One was in my front, the other was in my behind. I was completely humiliated and couldn't move. My Uncle told his buddy that it was alright for him to put "it" in me, that I shouldn't bleed because he had already done it before. They both raped me that day. After that, my Uncle's buddy helped himself to me whenever he wanted to. They also let another one of their friends in on it.
One night they woke me up and made me come downstairs where they were at. When I got down there, my Uncle told me to go over and rub his new friend's penis. I knew that once I did what they wanted me to do they would leave me alone so I did it. The guy pulled his penis out and made me perform oral sex on him. While I was doing that my Uncle and his buddy were touching me under my nightgown. They made me sit on each of their laps while they took turns raping me and putting their penis in my mouth at the same time. I remember them saying that they knew that I liked it. After they were finished they made me go to bed without letting me go to the bathroom to clean myself up. I just remember feeling so dirty and thinking that I was going to go to hell for what I had been doing.
I tried to tell my Mom that my Uncle had touched me, I only told her that it happened once and I didn't tell her that he raped me because I thought that she was going to think that I was bad for doing those things. She was supportive at first but then when we had to go to court over it she convinced me to lie about what happened because she didn't want her brother to go to jail. She told the whole family that I had mistaken a pat on the butt for molestation.
This all happened about 19 years ago so when I brought it up again and told everyone what really happened I didn't get a very good response. Nothing ever happened to my Uncle and everyone treats him like he is the greatest person on the face of this earth. He told them that none of this ever happened and that it hurts his feelings that I would make up something like this about him. Everybody seems to think that I'm exaggerating what happened. They treat me like I have mental problem and tell me that I need to just get over it. My Mom refuses to talk to me about it and continues to have coffee and hang out with him on a daily basis. I feel completely betrayed and rejected by my family. My brothers and Dad are the only ones that will actually talk with me about it, they believe me.
I am married and am going to therapy right now. It has put a huge strain on my marriage. I don't like to have sex or even be touched by my husband. I feel disgusting most of the time and don't know why he would even want to touch me. I really don't trust him and convince myself on a daily basis that our relationship is not going to work out. I spend a lot of time isolating myself because I feel like nobody wants to spend time with me because just seeing me is a reminder of the bad things that can happen. I continue to search for the light at the end of the tunnel. Life can't be this painful forever. I am glad to see that there are things like this out there so I can vent. I don't feel like I can do that with anyone anymore. I don't know how this story can help anyone else but it makes me feel better just telling it. I can't believe I'm going to put my full name on this thing. I don't know why I should feel ashamed, I'm not the one who is twisted.
by Bridgette Loebach- Guilmetteon 6 Apr 2005
It has been five years since I was raped. This is the first time I have actually shared my story on the internet. Every-time I go to speak about it or type it I can't seem to tell everything. I guess I don't want other people that care about me to hurt as much as I do knowing what I've been through.
March 27th 2000 my friend and I were at a mutual friend's apartment and these two guys came over who my friend was friends with. I knew both of them by name but really didn't know them. I was talked into lying to my parents about where we would be staying. Later that night the guys asked the girl that had the apartment if they could stay there "I didn't like the situation" but it wasn't my apartment and wasn't my decision to say they couldn't.
Later that night we were trying to figure out where everyone was going to sleep. I volunteered to sleep in the living room on the floor. One of the guys was going to sleep on the couch. When I lay down to go to sleep it was pitch dark in the room and you couldn't see. All of a sudden the guy was down on top of me. He was much taller than me, stronger too. He held my hands above my head and pushed himself between my legs. I remember screaming no but my "so called friend" said she never heard me. I remember trying to fight him off but its like I wasn't strong enough and finally just gave up. I think I went into shock because all I remember is laying there with tears coming down my face. I don't remember sobbing or anything just tears. Its like I thought maybe if I lay there, it would be over with soon. But it felt like a life time.
The next morning he was still there and acted like nothing had happened. My parents came and picked me up and I didn't say anything. I believe I was still in shock that what happened, happened because I never thought it would happen to me. I mean I'm a tough girl you know ,I had taken Karate just in case something like that would ever happen but when the time came for me to defend myself I didn't.
While I was being raped I felt so betrayed by my body, by everyone around me I just felt betrayed and dirty. I got home and stayed in the shower forever. I scrubbed until my skin would bleed in some places and I was red and raw from it. I never spoke a word about what happened to me until a week later when I received a phone call from someone saying they heard that I had sex with this guy. Keep in mind up until this point, I was a virgin. I never thought about sex, I was 15 years old and I was just into having fun and hanging out with my friends.
I went off the deep end when I heard that, and just started screaming and crying. I punched the wall out of anger several times and paced back and forth on the floor. My mom and brother were home at the time and it was like they knew the whole time something was wrong with me that week. They just didn't know what had happened. When my brother saw me that upset he knew what it was and just asked who. I didn't want to tell him because I know how my brothers and dad are and I literally thought someone was going to end up killing this guy.
My dad got home and found out and the only words I remember from him were "give me one reason why I shouldn't go kill the b*****d for hurting my lil girl" They took me to the sheriffs office but they said they couldn't do anything for reasons that are still unknown to me. I'm not sure if they didn't want to or what it was. I had bruises on the inside of my legs from where the guys hips had hit me. I was emotionally and physically drained.
Ever since then I have dealt with depression, nightmares, flashbacks, feeling dirty, thinking that all guys are that way and keeping myself from getting close to any guy or anyone for that matter. I have never been able to get over what happened to me and I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able too.
I went into a tale spin. I started doing drugs and drinking, thinking that would make me forget but after I came down or sobered up it was back and worse. I have hardly any friends by my decision because I can't get close to anyone and if I feel like they are getting to close I won't pick up the phone when they call and I'll stop talking to them altogether for a while. My doctor wants me to start seeing a therapist because he believes I am bipolar and this is something I already know but don't feel comfortable talking to a stranger or even a family member about what happened to me. It's taken all I have in me to type this
I have a little boy now and I never let him see me hurt but I don't want him to know what I've been through or ever feel the pain I feel every day. I just really feel like I'm in a black tunnel and there isn't a light at the end of it.
by Kimberlyon 6 Apr 2005
I had just turned 16 the month before. I was talking to this guy who I met through my cousin. We had talked on the phone alot, and I thought that he was really cool. We had alot in common and he made me laugh and I thought that this could be something really special. A month later on April 24, 2002 we had our first date. My first date ever. He was 17 or 18 at the time, I can't remember. My cousin's boyfriend and the guy who I was dating were cousins, so we all went out.
On the way back I had to pick up my things from my cousins house. We decided to just stay there and chill. My date and I stayed in the car. We got into the back seat and we started kissing and messing around. This is where my life changed so much. He asked me could we have sex and I said NO because it would hurt. I came up with every excuse I could but it did not stop him. He pulled out a condom and then he pulled my legs to where I was laying on my back. He put the condom on and then he took off my underwear and proceeded. I was laying there in shock. I couldn't grasp what was happening. He took his shirt off and went back to what he was doing. I started to cry and I said "please stop" in a whisper, and then I said it again and again and again. He said just 5 more minutes. I could not push him off of me because he was so heavy and the sweat off his face came upon mine. All I could do was cry.
After it was over and I got myself together, he kissed me as if it would make it better. I went inside my cousins bathroom and cried she came in and asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He will not admit what he did to me was wrong. Now that I'm 19 and it is going to be 3 years this month, It still hurts because I have been through so much since this has happened. I feel so lost because I can't keep a relationship because I feel like they are going to do what he did to me. I can't trust anyone, I jump when someone touches me.
I regret that I did not do anything because I was ashamed. I just want everyone to know that if this has happened to you fight for justice not just for yourself but for other girls who are afraid just like me. I've learned alot after he raped me, and the bad things and choices I made because of what happened to me.
I can say that I'm a survivor because I made it through the last 2 years they were hard ones but I made it. I learned that I'm not alone in this and that is what keeps me going.
by Anonymouson 5 Apr 2005
I am presently starting a book about what happened to me. I knew the man that violated me. He had been a friend of the family for a very long time. His children and I were best friends. I would rather say violate over rape.
I went to spend the night at my best friend's house one night. I have always been more mature that other children my age so when Chris and Jessica both went to sleep I wanted to prove that I could stay up all night. I was eleven at the time and I guess that is what eleven year olds like to do because they rarely get a chance to stay up all night.
Well, anyway, I ended up talking to Chris and Jessica's dad named Kenneth. He was sitting outside on the steps. We talked about lots of stuff and then we walked up to Tommy's house. Tommy and his wife were both in the hospital because Tommy had had a stroke recently. Then we went inside looking for ghosts. He wanted me to lie down on Tommy's bed so instead I sat. After some more talking he asked me "Do you want to know about the birds and the bees?" I admitted that I already knew. The birds and bees both fly and they both like flowers. He replied "No, the real birds and bees?" I did not understand how more real you could get. I said that I did not understand. He asked me if he could show me and I said "Yes." He asked me to lie down so I did. Then he touched me and wanted me to take my shorts off. I told him that I did not want to do this anymore. He continued in his fantasy at the cost of my pain. I asked him to stop but he wouldn't. He told me not to scream because no one would hear him. He made me promise not to tell anyone about what we were doing. Then I knew what he was doing. The first time I asked him what he was doing he said he was using his finger. I was so scared. I was shaking from fear and cold but it wasn't cold. Then he pulled my pants down and got on top of me. I asked him if he was still using his finger and he said "Yes, don't you feel my fingernail." I told him "No" I knew he wasn't because I could see at least one of his hands and the other was touching me. He tried to kiss my lips but I turned away so he slobbered on my neck instead. I asked him to stop because it hurts. He replied "Are you a virgin?" I told him yes. He asked me "Are you sure? You are awful wet?" I was ill at this comment of him thinking that I was lying and I was ashamed that I was wet. I said yes. "Then why are you so wet? You shouldn't be so wet if you are a virgin?" I told him I don't know. He told me to "Relax" but I couldn't. I told him I couldn't. His breathing kept getting faster and finally he stopped. I put my clothes back on and asked him "What if I am pregnant?" He replied "You haven't started your period yet have you?" I told him that I wanted to go home. He said that I couldn't go home because it was three in the morning but he would take me to church in the morning and after we would both ask for forgiveness of what we just did, then he would take me home. Since I was the one who did something wrong then I did not tell anyone until a few years later. It did hurt really bad but I did not bleed like other girls said they did their first time so was really a virgin. Is it bad that I was wet? Does that mean that I wanted him to do what he did? My whole body was tense and he kept telling me to "Relax" but I couldn't. I was disgusted. A few weeks later I got really sick. I had stomach cramps so bad that I could not get off my couch for a week and shortly afterwards I started my period. I had two periods that month. That has not ever happened again. Is it possible that I had a miscarriage? I haven't been able to talk about this part with anyone. I can only talk about it with one other person and I am ashamed to tell him this part because I still feel like it is my fault no matter how many times I tell myself that it isn't. I didn't tell because my mom or dad would have killed him if they found out. I didn't want one of them to go to jail. Well, That's my story. You can e-mail me at email@example.com if you want to. Thanks,
by Britta9981on 5 Apr 2005
Right now I'm 20 years old with a wonderful husband that I love more than anything. I have wonderful parents, although they have long been divorced. Unfortunately, long forgotten memories are coming back to me in my nightmares, and daymares. I was 4, he was 25-30ish. ALL I Knew was that I just wanted to hide. He was my distant cousin's husband. He babysat me every day for a few months....and did everything to me but sodomy...
I used to believe that it never happened. Now I'm getting memories, and my adult married sex life is suffered. I no longer like anything sexual at all, when in my teens I prided myself on who I was with that week, Being skillful in those departments made me feel special, now I just feel sick and dirty.
I love my husband very much, but I'm still trying to grieve, and understand why. So that I might be able to move on.....
This may sound sad, but I hope to never have children. If it were to happen to them, I think I would lose it. I want to thank this site for the kind of emotional let out it allows, and I wish the best for everyone else out there like me who is wondering why, and looking to move on. ~Blessed Be~
by Raeon 5 Apr 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.