Growing up was a rush
Just by one touch
Keeping secrets bottles up inside
Fear of love change in mother's eye
I had to wipe my own tears
Paranoid of my own fears
It all happened so fast
Almost like a dream; a flash
My youth was pulled away
In a back room in just one day
That day I was forced to receive it
I blocked it away and never believed it
Summer of '97 I can't stand
I wish those memories was band
When I was 11 I lost everything I had
I was always depressed and sad
I thought it was all my fault
In the projects out there
being bad was my result
I thought I was alone;
my past stuck like glue
Until I found out it
happened to my best friend too.
He took my childhood away
Promise me he won't make your child pay
Like he made me that day
by Renee'on 13 Apr 2005
Hi, I never thought this would be difficult. I was 17 when it happened. I am now 19. I used to work at this diner here in my hometown. The car I had broke down so I called a friend to come get me. I always heard that you could get raped by anyone, but I never believed he could do that. I lived about 2 miles away from the diner and I didnít get off until 2 am. I wasnít aware that he had been drinking with some friends and didnít think anything of it when he showed up with this other guy that I didnít know. We were on the way home when the guy on the passenger side started putting his hand on my leg and saying how beautiful I was. I told him to stop and looked at my friend for support but he didnít do anything but smile. The guy kept on grabbing me and my friend stopped the truck and held my arms down as the guy raped me and then he switched with my friend who then took his turn. I tried to scream but he had his hand clamped down over my mouth and it was to where I couldnít breathe. After it was all done I was dragged out of the truck and he said that if I said anything he'd kill me. I remember feeling so scared when they threw me into the ditch .I felt so weak that I couldnít even move. I lay there for over two hours crying and scared and then I walked the rest of the 1 1/2 miles home with my uniform ripped and tied to me to keep it on. When I got home I ran up to my room and jumped in the shower. I felt ashamed and dirty and that I would never be clean again. The guy who did this moved away along with my friend or ex-friend. This is the first time since it happened that I have spoken a word. Thatís why I said anonymous. Thanks for listening or actually reading.
by anonymouson 13 Apr 2005
Hi everyone. I knew I wasn't alone, I just didn't know who to trust my story/stories with. I am 15 years old on this present day. There is so many things that I, as a little girl, have gone through. I am also a survivor of rape and molestation. Just three weeks ago I was raped by a guy who I thought was a good friend. Heís now 25 yrs old. He asked me to chill and smoke with him. I knew him and he was nice, so I said yes. I went home to drop off my school stuff and I met him on the corner of my block. I followed him to his house and into his bedroom. We chilled, talked and smoked. I guess when he noticed I was high enough he came on to me. He kissed me and lay on his bed. I closed my eyes just for a few minutes. He lifted my shirt and sucked on my breasts. When I noticed he was trying to take off my jeans, I told him I couldn't do it. He laid me back down on the bed. I tried to get him off of me, but he wouldn't get off. I tried to get up but slid onto the floor. He landed right on top of me and asked me to give him oral sex. I screamed no. I yelled and yelled and soon enough I started to cry. He said I started it so I had to finish it. I yelled no. I laid back and I blacked out. I don't remember everything that happened. I just couldn't believe this would occur like this. I was also abused by my two cousins, one who raped me for two years and the other molested me for seven years. Iím glad I'm still here.
by Antionetteon 12 Apr 2005
I am trying to share this as best I can... This is the first time I have ever shared my secret with the public, Please bare with me.
I came from a home like many. Dysfunctional!!!!
My father and mother were alcohol and drug abusers, and that was their life. I cared for my younger sister and older brother the best I could. But when mom was in a mood, no matter what I did right, was wrong and I got a bad beating. At age 4 the CAS intervened. They came to the hospital on a call... I was unconscious due to my mother hitting me in the head with a cast-iron frying pan, I was having a seizure. They apprehened me immediately, I was 4. When I was released from the hospital, I was placed in an orphanage for emotionally disturbed children and that is when the nightmare began. A staff started sexually abusing me, 2 weeks into my placement. First it started out as him being my friend and treating me special. Then he began to touch me, and wanted me to touch him. He told me if I ever told, he would make sure I never seen my family again. I remember how scared I was to that threat. And I did anything he wanted me to do, so I wouldn't lose my family. The touching escalated to oral sex; I was about 4 and a half. He wanted me to lick him like it was a sucker, and touch myself too. This continued for 4 years. Within those 4 years, he tried to have intercourse with me. I was so young that he realized it would be too noticeable. Thatís when he introduced me to another girl that lived there. She was 11 and very quite. He had intercourse with her, and made me touch him and watch. He asked me if I liked it, I didn't know what to say, so said yes. Later on he had me do things with her, touching and so on. My first sexual experience with a girl was when I wasn't even 6 yet. Once the chickenpoxís where going around, and he spread me on the bed and fondled me. He said he was looking for chickenpox. 2 weeks later I was made a crown ward with no access to my family. To this day I feel he thought I told someone and took them from me.
After leaving the orphanage I was placed into a foster home. I was the only girl, and lived with 6 teenage boys. They started molesting me 3 months later, and I was forced to do things unthinkable to them and the dogs. I was moved within a year due to the parents divorcing. I was almost 9 at the time. The next home was physically abusive to me. I was very promiscuous for 9 and this use to make them mad. I was beaten daily, and was finally removed 2 months later after my tailbone was broken due to being thrown down the stairs. The next placement was sexually and physically abusive. The foster father started raping me within a week of placement. He must have felt guilty, as he would constantly throw me in the corner, and have the dog on a short leash telling him to attack. His teeth would be bearing, and he would be growling and leaping at me. I was so scared I soiled myself. Later the foster mother found my soiled underwear and rubbed it in my face. I had scratch marks all over my face from her nails. I started to runaway, and was rarely found. When I was found, I was placed back into foster homes that were sexually abusive, and I would run again. This time, they didn't ever find me. I began using IV drugs at 9 (almost 10, which was an increase from the pot I smoked at 8) and started hooking. My lifestyle made it impossible for them to find me, only when I was arrested did they know where I was. I was in Juvenile detention. Once released, I was placed and ran again back to the streets. I was in and out of foster homes, group homes, training schools, and jail from 9 till 16. My life style continued from 16 on. I was a serious addict, very violent and lived on a suicide mission. No guts to take my own life which I wanted to do... so I figured drugs and my lifestyle of working the streets would do it for me... Guess what?? I was wrong! While on the streets at 16, I was raped by tricks, and people I trusted when sleeping at their house. I would wake up to them having sex with me, as I hadn't slept in 12 - 14 days. What bothers me today is that the rapes never really have bothered me. As odd as that maybe... itís the truth. This life style continued until I was sentenced to the pen for 4 years, in 1990. I was charged with attempted murder, on a girl that desecrated my sonís (died of aids when I was 18) grave. When I had Corey, I straightened out my life. I stopped working the streets and drugs. I was the happiest I have ever been in my life - loving and caring for him. Making sure he was protected from all the sickest. When he died, I lost the urge to live again and went back to my usual lifestyle to cope, and to this day don't cope with his death at all. I refuse to morn for him, or lock him away in a container. I lost him once and locking him in a container means, I have lost him for ever, I can't bare that thought! I realized while doing time, I had nothing to offer anyone and if I could have died in my cell, it was the best for everyone. When death didn't come to me, I knew change had to happen. I got out and never touched drugs or working the street again. I met a guy (real winner I might add) who continually abused me sexually (spousal rape) and physically. I had my son Austin, and left him for good. I am clean today, and prostitution free. But my nightmare is far from over. I started counseling and was told I have PTSD. My life is a chaos, and is very chaotic. I love my son, and want the best for him. Yet I have emotional detachment problems, and loving him has to come on my terms. Which is unfair to him. I flip and wig out over the littlest things, and can't explain why. I am happy one moment... and a wreck the next. I am having urges to use drugs again, anything to take these feelings away. I don't use them, as I know I would lose the person I love and care for the most in life... my son.
The nightmares have started again, and I really don't think I can go threw all this again. It was hard enough living it... but to have to relive it is almost worse. I am lost and confused... and scared to death. I know I have to keep at the issues to recover... but... I don't think I can live this all over again... One day at a time!!
Thanks for listening
by friskynwild1on 12 Apr 2005
My fiancť Larry and I are both dealing with the abuse that my father did to me when I was young. I had blocked out the abuse until I began to have flashbacks during normal intimacy with Larry. Most of my life I have not been overly sexual and played the tomboy thing to the hilt. One very painful night during sex something, a memory, a smell, a sound, brought it all back to me. The summer when I was 13 my father taught me to masturbate him and he began to visit my room at night and sodomized me. Near as I can recall now this happened maybe a dozen times. It was almost like I was not there, he did not really speak to me but after the first time I soon realized what he was expecting. I had told no one. The abuse lasted maybe two or three weeks and I can't remember it happening again. It explains a lot about me and about how difficult it has been for me to stay in relationships. My father has passed and I have kept this to myself, Larry knows but that is all. We are seeing a therapist together and it has helped our relationship greatly. I was so afraid to loose him and now I know that I have found the right man. I don't really know what reading this might mean to someone else but it has helped me just to put this down somewhere. I am still learning the extent of my pain and the roll is continues to play in my life. If you are in an abusive situation please seek out help to get yourself out of the situation. Once the truth is out, you can begin to rebuild. God Bless you all. Courtney.
by Courtney on 11 Apr 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.