I was 8 or 9 when I started my period so I was in a good figure by 10 and a half. I was 11 when I met this very cool guy. He said he was 12 but he truthfully was 16, he was short real short so I believed him. He had just moved in with his father and he was a new neighbor. His father would always look at me and I didn't know what to think. Then he started touching my breasts and inserted his penis and finger into me. I was freaked, he even did it in front of his son. Then he said now it’s your turn James (that was the guy’s name). I got up and they both grabbed me I fought so hard but they were too strong so I just gave in. James told me that I was his girl (I thought to myself that I was his sex slave or something). He said that if I thought of telling someone or breaking up with him this would get much worse. So I "stayed" with him. He would always call and say I want you now. My mom would say its okay, so I would go because if it took longer than 2 minutes to get there he would "hurt" me. As if he wasn’t hurting me already.
When I turned 13 we were still a "couple". I told him I wanted to break up. He had his friends over, him, his dad, and 3 of his friends. When I said I wanted to break up with him, he pushed me to the ground and one of them grabbed my leg another grabbed my other leg, then one took my arm and the other took my other arm. Then the one that didn’t have anything to hold put his penis in me very meanly and hard. After that they touched my breasts and touched my vagina and inserted their fingers in me as well. They all did this to me, I couldn't fight. The last one to do this to me was James’s father, he did it to me the longest. When they were done there was blood covering the floor were I was lying there naked and bleeding. James yelled at me to get up and clean the mess up. I couldn’t move so they dragged me into the bathroom with my clothes, and said get dressed then come clean up the mess. There was a line of blood that followed me. So I did clean it as well as I could. I ended up pregnant. I didn't want an abortion. James's father ended up being the father of my baby. I told James. James killed his father for getting me pregnant, then killed himself for not being the father of my child. I know this because he left me a letter. His friends never talked to me after the gang rape except once after James and his father’s death. They all blamed me for their deaths. I didn't blame myself because I remember everything clearly. So I gave birth to a girl after being pregnant for 6 months. She lived but she did struggle. I am now 22 and I am married, my daughter Samantha (9) doesn’t know that her father is not the man I am married to. And I want it to stay that way. One day I will tell her the whole story all the way from the beginning when she is old enough to understand. Now I am currently pregnant (8 months) with twins 1 girl that will be named Adrianne and 1 boy named William Jr. after his father. Before I got pregnant with my twins, I had 5 miscarriages. I was devastated but my family will be complete in a month or so.
This is my story about my rape incidents and the lights of my life, my husband and children. If you know anyone that has a story or if you do, I beg you to tell this web site. It’s truly what I needed, to let out my anger. My husband knows my story and truly respects me and I respect him as well.
THANK YOU for reading my story.
by Kimberly on 17 May 2005
Well about 11 months ago I was walking home from Dairy Queen and I just finished my M&M blizzard and threw it on the ground (I know, litter bug!) But I was just enjoying the nice sunny day. I had just got out of school about a week ago and I was soaking in the summer break! But anyway, I was walking home and then out of no where this guy named *cough* jumped out, He scared me half to death! But I knew who he was. He was like the most popular guy at East Carteret High, the school I would be attending after the summer. So I just said “hi” and tried to walk around him, but he stepped in front of me. And he said “So are you going to East next year?” and all I did was say was “yes”. He asked me into his house and of course dummy me said yes. I mean he was a guy that every girl loved and so I thought it was no big deal. But I was wrong, very wrong.
It started out innocent enough. I mean I went into his house, and I noticed no one else was there. So I figured his parents were at work or something. So he was an 18 year old that was home alone, nothing strange about that. He offered me to sit down so I sat down on his couch, which I have to say was really comfortable. And the he said “soda” and I said “sure”. I didn’t really have much to say. I was kind of chocked up. But after I drank the soda he wanted to show me around his house. So we got up and he started walking toward the staircase and I followed. He showed me the whole house except his room, so I thought he was saving that for last. So when we approached his room and we walked in I turned around and noticed that he had locked the door. I didn’t know what he was doing. So I walked towards the door expecting him to move. But he just put his hand to my chest to stop me. At that point I was kind of scared. But I thought he had something else to show me. I walked back to the center of the room and I just asked him if there was anything he wanted to show me but he didn’t answer. All I remember was seeing him walk closer to me, with every footstep it was like my heart was beating faster. And when he finally got to me he wrapped his arms around me and stuck his hands up the back of my shirt and so I just backed away, but he kept moving forward following me, with every step I took back he took a step forward. Pretty soon I was against the wall, cornered. And that was when the nightmare began. Again he stuck his arm up the back of my shirt. And this time I had no where to go, so I just told him to stop, he wouldn’t listen. And then soon he unsnapped the back of my bra strap, from then on I knew exactly what was going to happen. I kept trying to move but he just pressed me against the wall. With each move I made, the harder he pushed me. At first he was just trying to kiss my neck. And I kept trying to move my head to prevent it. But now I know that that was the wrong move, because then he slapped me. When he was trying to take my shirt off I saw an advantage so I tried to run for the door. But apparently I was too slow because he grabbed my arm and slung me to the bed. Since I was lying down, I couldn’t do anything. He then got on top of me and tried to kiss me, now on the lips, again I tried to move away, but as if it was a pattern he slapped me again.
It seemed like no mater what I did, I wasn’t going to win the battle. He was too strong, too big, but I wouldn’t give up. I kept fighting him and as he tried to kiss me he grabbed my jaw and it felt like he was crushing my bones. I couldn’t move my head then and he shoved his tongue in my mouth, the wetness intoxicating. I tried so hard not cry but I couldn’t help it. The tears fled out of me as if it was an April shower. He told me to stop being such a baby about it because he knew I wanted it and that time he punched me, this time in the stomach. It was like every little breath I had left in me was taken out of me. That just made me cry even harder. By then, he had my shirt fully off and he started kissing me all the way from my lips down to my hip bone. I kept trying to kick and scream but every time I did he would either yell at me to shut up or hit me in some form or fashion. As his lips got down lower and lower he then tried to unbutton my pants. Then I really started screaming and kicking but he just punched me in the face and I felt blood running out of my nose. All these thoughts were running through my head, like if I was going to live or what I would do, if I would report him or if I would tell anyone, I was just so confused. But then I noticed I should just be thinking about what was happening in the present and not what was going to happen in the future. I remember him when he finally got my pants off. I remember thinking of how desperate and lonely he must have been to force someone he barely even knew to have sex with him.
It seemed like every second was an hour and I couldn’t bear it. I just wanted to die so badly. And then when he was up kissing around my chest I remember him rubbing up and down my arms, and I remember him feeling my cut marks. He stopped right then, I actually was relieved because I thought it was finally over. But all I remember was that he said that he likes ‘crazy women’ but I wasn’t a woman! I was still a girl! But he just seemed to get rougher then because he said he knew I could stand that pain. That just got me fired up and I exploded and managed to punch him right in the face. And I just saw rage in his eyes that I have never seen from anyone, it was like he was a murderer from Hell or something. He just punched me back, this time he did it numerously. I always watched the movies and I always said it would never happen to me, but it did. He said he couldn’t stand the blood so I though he was just going to stop, but instead he just took my shirt and wiped all of my blood off with it and threw it back to the floor.
As I just now realized exactly what was happening I noticed all of the pressure. It was like he didn’t even care about anything he was doing, forcing someone to have sex with him, making someone lose their virginity with him unwillingly, beating someone, and ridding a young girl of her pride.
He then told me to spread my legs and that just made me hold them tighter together. And he wrapped his arms around ankles forcing them to spread. It just hurt so badly. I thought that the times I stabbed myself that that hurt really bad, but nothing compared to this. This was the most pain I had ever experienced in my whole life. I was trying to tell myself to suck it up and that there was some reason for this to happen. But then as he started forcing it farther and farther and kissing me more and more I knew that God wouldn’t want this to happen to anyone so from then on I have thought of myself as a nobody. And I was just trying to figure out how much God must have hated me to let this happen. He just wouldn’t stop and I thought that it would never end, that I would be in that room, with that guy, forever and always is in pain. It was going on for about and hour now and I was becoming more and more scared and more miserable. I just wanted the pain to be over. And by then I had stopped kicking and screaming so I lay there lifeless but it just felt like everything was just getting longer and longer the less I tried to prevent it. So I started talking to him asking him questions like” why are you doing this”? “Why me”? Stupid stuff like that. And he just got irritated with me interrogating him. So again, he punched me.
Again I stopped kicking and screaming and I guess he thought that I thought that it was okay because I wasn’t “opposing” what he was doing. It’s like he kept getting rougher and rougher and cared less and less. I just wanted it to be over with!
After about two hours of pain and agony it was finally over. All I remember was that when he was finally done he reached over and gave me a kiss and said “you should go now.” I just laid there froze. He told me again in a much harsher tone to go. I was shaking all over and I was getting up very slowly as if a sudden move would trigger him to start again. But apparently he just wanted me gone because he punched me again telling me to get myself out of his house. So I threw my clothes on with dried blood on my face and shirt. I just stormed out of the house. Right when I got out of the house I had expected it to be dark even though it was the middle of the day. I felt that since my life was being darkened, that the whole world was dark too. But the sun was shining so brightly as if all in the world was good. And I didn’t want to walk because I just wanted to get away from everything so I ran as fast as I could, not stopping until I got home.
by Kerryon 17 May 2005
It was my first day of 2nd grade. He came into my room "to make sure I was dressed properly". His hands went up my skirt and into the front of my underwear, that was the first time I felt uncomfortable, I remember the smell of his breath and remember how nervous he was acting. I ran out of the room and ran off to school. That night while sitting at the table doing my homework he came behind me and was pressing himself against my back. I was confused, he was my dad and I loved him. Over the course of a year he began "tucking me in at night". I thought if I covered my entire body up including my head and face, he wouldn't be able to get me. I would pretend to be sleeping as he crawled into bed with me, where was my mom? Why wasn’t she looking for him?? the abuse continued for many years, as I got older he would ask me to do things to him, telling me that he loved me and this is what all daddy’s and little girls do. I remember standing next to my mom one night doing dishes, I think I was 13yrs old. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I was afraid to tell. I let it continue until the night of my 8th grade graduation when he came to my bed that night and penetrated me, the sharp pain, I wanted to scream and cry. He got up and left the room, I told myself "he will never touch me again". I was going to FL the next day as a graduation gift, when I got to FL I told my grandma everything. She contacted my mom, my mom in turn contacted a lawyer and she got divorced. The state began pressing charges, but because of a loophole he was never prosecuted. Today I am 30yrs old, and still harbor the effects of the abuse, A few yrs ago I contacted him and wanted to know "why", he said he was just trying to show me he loved me and he did nothing wrong. I had to let the anger and hatred go and realize he is a sick man and I had to find forgiveness, so that he didn’t continue to take from my life. I was very bitter for many years and it was destroying me, it wasn’t until I was able to forgive him that the healing began. I hope that through my story there is someone else out there that knows they’re not alone, and seek comfort in that.
by Jennon 17 May 2005
When I was 19 there was a party at my house. A man there who's a rap artist started rhyming about me. He said he wanted me, and he was going to have me no matter what. My sister got riled up, all 5' 100 pounds of her God bless, and he left with his friends. I put it behind me and enjoyed the night. I had a lot to drink so when I went to my room I fell into bed and passed out. The next thing I know Q is on top of me and my clothes are gone. He raped me. It is still hard for me to say. I tried to stop him, however he was twice my size. I told him to stop, I told him no, and I told him to leave. I did not scream. Sometimes I think it's my fault because I didn't scream. Anyways, when he got off me I started to look for my clothes. He asked me where I thought I was going. I told him the bathroom. He said he wasn't finished with me yet. I still hear him say that. I went to the garage where a family member was crashing for the night. I couldn't tell him what was wrong. Turned out I didn't have to. Q came looking for me, and told my relative what he had done. I will always be thankful for my family. I was taken to the hospital. Supported by my family I pressed charges. Q is now in jail. I am now 22 and slowly working my way back to a healthy life.
by Susion 16 May 2005
I just happened to come upon this site because I typed in the words "boyfriend" and "suicide" in the search engine. This is due to the fact that my boyfriend made a very serious suicide attempt just last evening.
I am in tears right now, my stomach is in knots and I just vomited due to my intense emotions right now after having read many of your horrifying stories. My God! What strong, brave incredible admirable women you all are! I am so extremely sorry. I'm so sorry that you've been dealt these horrific cards and been forced to endure such treacherous experiences. God, I'm so sorry. I just want you all to know that there are just as many good people as bad, and more people truly care from the bottom of their hearts then you could ever know. You're all so incredibly courageous to bring your stories out like this. My heart truly aches for each and every one of you.
Being that I'm already writing, maybe I should just share a bit, even though I feel like it's absolutely not worthy to share space with such intensely horrifying stories such as yours. I was groped and my breasts were fondled once by a physician (an allergist) when I was 14, who insisted that touching my nipples and squeezing my breasts was an entirely normal, necessary part of checking my heartbeat. That also wasn't the only part of this scumbag's bizarrely unprofessional behavior. He had also called my house around 11-12 o'clock midnight several times, for absolutely no professional reason whatsoever. Years later he actually called once because he was curious of exactly what college I attended and wanted to chat about it. I told my father (now, sadly, deceased for 3 years) about the phone calling and the groping incident. He was outraged but too ill from his lung cancer to do anymore about it then scream at the doctor the next time he called my house. This was the doctor’s last call to my house. Other then that insignificant incident, fortunately I have never been molested or raped (at least not extremely violently raped). However, my current, soon to be ex-boyfriend has been pressuring me into sex more and more lately. He has physically held me down after I've already said "NO" several times. Sometimes I say "NO" because I suffer from pelvic floor dysfunction and sex greatly exacerbates my symptoms. However, the reason for saying "NO" shouldn't matter! No means No! I had a serious talk with him about this a couple of weeks ago and he acted like he truly didn't realize what he was doing. I didn't leave him immediately because he promised that he would never hold me down again forcing sex on me.........but he still did a few times after I had said NO in a very serious tone. The last time this happened I had said “NO not now! Not today! I'm in pain, please respect that”, but he quickly pulled his pants off and mine anyway! I pulled my pants back up angrily, but he pushed me down on the bed and tried to rip them off again anyway! This is when I went into a full fledged panic attack and bolted, gasping for the door, truly in great fear of a bona fide violent rape. He bolted after me and threw himself in front of the door. He grabbed me by the shoulders (very forcefully, yet not hatefully or angrily) and tried to force me to sit back on the bed with him. I was completely panicked and fled for the door again. He ran out after me and threw himself on the ground crying saying how much he loved me and how sorry he was for making me have sex with him in the past and pleading for me not to drive away because he feared that his new basement apartment was haunted and he wouldn't be able to handle being alone with the ghosts. His behavior was becoming increasingly outlandish and I knew that I was going to have to put an end to our relationship. Mostly due to the sexual pressure and forced sex, any other issues I would have been willing to work out, even his severe mental instability, drug problems and schizophrenia, all which are worsening as the relationship progresses. However, relationship or not, no one should ever have to deal with forced sex in any way. This is why I attempted to end it (the relationship) just 2 days ago. He became furious and cursed and me and became extremely angered and very frightening due to my break up attempt. He banged on the doors of my house all day and called me between 50 and 60 times (I tried to count) I did answer the phone twice and I told him that I would talk to him again on Monday about it, but that wasn't good enough for him. He swallowed an entire bottle of prescription pills, in a suicide attempt, and called me right before he passed out. I notified the police for him and he was rushed to the emergency room. They said that he was very close to death. Anyway, now he's home, thankfully at his mothers house and under her supervision for the next few days until he has seen his new psychiatrists and psychologists on Monday. He said today that he would attempt suicide again, and succeed this time if I didn't promise him that I was still his girlfriend. I felt afraid and that I had to humor him for his safety. The thing to worry about now is my safety. No one knows about the forced sex. I suppose if you’re physically restrained and you try to get away and beg them to stop, then its rape.....even if you are in a relationship. Is this rape? Even if you're in a relationship? Wow, it is......isn't it? Oh my God, I've been raped! I've said NO and he's thrown me down and held me down anyway, and I pleaded for him to stop and I was in tears from the pain because of my Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. He held me down and didn't stop anyway. I couldn't get up! I tried so hard but he's just so much stronger then me! Was I really raped? If I screamed louder then maybe he would have gotten off and it wouldn't have been rape really...........wow I am so horribly confused. I don't know what to think. I'm in serious denial right now I think. This site has been truly therapeutic. I will make sure I confront my psychologist with this on Monday. She is wonderful and I'm sure will know how to handle this insanely frightening situation. Wow. I am eternally grateful to this site.
Please everyone stay strong. You'll be ok, I'll be ok, everything will turn out fine if you continue to be so brave and speak out to heal yourselves. I promise. Just please remember that everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok then it's not the end.
by Confusedon 15 May 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.