When I was about eight years old, my parents sat me down in my room. They told me that my little brother had told them that our cousin had molested him (my brother was three at the time), and they asked me if anything like that had happened to me. Wide-eyed and an incredibly good liar, I replied, "No." I did not want to protect my cousin; I was ashamed.
The truth was that my cousin had, on many occasions, "played doctor" with me. He made me lay down, pull my pants down to my ankles, and he touched me. I would cry because it hurt, but he would just say that it didn't hurt and that I was being a baby. I never believed him, and I even had fun playing with him and his brother (who was my age) when we went to their house. I don't exactly remember everything, but I remember one time we stayed up all night, and his brother watched him do it to me and watched me cry, not knowing what to do or say.
My brother went into therapy. We stopped seeing my father's side of the family because they all said that my brother was lying. I feel now like maybe if I had said something, they would have believed us, and my cousin would have gotten in some sort of trouble.
He is graduating from college now, twenty-two years old. I am graduating from high school at sixteen. My father has been trying to make amends with his family, and he has no idea what happened to me. I don't want to tell him now because it would just hurt him all over again, and he would try to protect me more than he needs to. My brother was chronically depressed at the age of nine with a lot of terrible side effects and tried to commit suicide, but he's doing much better now.
As for me, I'm doing pretty well. I lead a pretty normal life, and I haven't noticed any side effects in particular. I lost my virginity to a wonderful man (a little older than I, but I don't think that has to do with being molested when I was younger) last fall, and I don't regret it at all. We aren't together anymore, but he remains one of my best friends. I was afraid of what side effects my molestation might have on my sex life, but I really enjoy sex and sexual activity. I have never had any sort of flashback during sexual contact at all. After reading so many of your stories I realize how rare and lucky I am.
I have told most of my close friends. The only person that I want to tell but have not told yet is the boy to whom I lost my virginity. That will come in time, I suppose. I'm not really worried.
I guess I am proof that things affect people in different ways. I think that being separated from my family has damaged me far more than being molested has. I can only hope that other people find the strength to be survivors; everyone has it in them, it's just a matter of finding it.
by Helena on 4 Jun 2005
My brother is 2 years older than I am. I am now 12 years old and when I was around 4 or 5 he started "playing games" with me. I never knew what was really going on until about 2 years ago. It just stopped when I was 11 because I told my parents what was going on. Nothing was really done... my parents asked if I wanted him to go to therapy and I said yes, but he never went because the police most likely would find out what happened and would split us apart. I don't like my family anyway so it didn't matter to me but it did to them. My brother lives in the basement and will be 15 soon... at the time he started doing this to me he was around 6 or 7. Pretty demented huh? It happened to my friend too. Neither of us can get over it. I doubt any rape victim ever will.
by Amber on 4 Jun 2005
My experience has always affected me although I have tried for years to forget about it. I am ready to confront it now. If I don't confront it, it will always affect me and haunt me. It seemed larger than life to me, something that I couldn't talk about or write about or confront before I came to this site. Now it feels like something I might actually be able to deal with and resolve. So many women have gone through similar or even worse experiences that it has given me the courage to confront my past. I have never told anyone about it, not a soul. There have been times in the past where I have tried to talk about it, but fear has always kept me from doing it, partly because I've always just wanted to be normal and being a victim of sexual abuse doesn't exactly make one feel normal, especially when you're a kid.
The experience took away my innocence and left me feeling shameful from that moment on. I feel like it changed my life completely and utterly. I felt sorry for myself for a long time and always thought about who I would have become if I had been able to growth up intact. For years I had no faith in the world and felt very lost. During my college years, my self-esteem definitely went up and I began to try to forget about the past. It was so long ago, it shouldn't matter, right? Well, wrong, it's something that has always nagged at me and has had a tremendous impact on my relationships, or lack of, and on my confidence.
I was 3 years old at the time. I remember everything very clearly. My parents and my 2 siblings and I were visiting some extended family at their home. I was the oldest and my parents let me run off to play with the kids in the family. The family only had sons. I followed 4 of their sons to the roof of the house where they said there were bunnies. 2 of the sons were younger, around my age at the time and the other two must've been in their early teens to mid teens. The two older boys told me that there was a bunny behind the boxes they had on the roof and to look for it. I remembered being excited about looking for the bunny, but I was not able to find it. At this point the smaller boys had been ushered back downstairs. When I tried to go back downstairs with the other smaller 2 boys, the 2 older boys grabbed me and pulled down my pants and pulled down theirs as well. They picked me up and rubbed their penises against me, one in front and one in back. I don't know how long this went on for, but then they pulled up my pants and I went downstairs and joined my parents. My parents were in a happy mood and they had no idea what had just happened to me. I remembered feeling very untrusting of the world and the people around me at that point. I remembered searching the faces of the people in the house for someone that I could trust. At that moment I felt betrayed by my parents because they were acting friendly towards the boys who had treated me wrongly and who had lied to me and lured me. I didn't know how to tell my parents. Of course I didn't know how to tell my parents. All I knew was that something wrong had happened. All of the feelings that I felt that day have resonated with me basically everyday of my life since. For years afterward we would see those boys at family gatherings and what not and I would go into my shell. I would try to avoid them and feel very uncomfortable. I know for a fact that I was not their only victim.
Today I am 24 years old. I feel more or less well adjusted in most areas of my life, but I definitely have issues with intimacy. I have never had sex, I have never even been in a relationship. I've told myself in the past that it is because of my culture that it is because I want to meet the "right" person, etc, etc, but really it is because I'm scared and feel a certain amount of shame. I feel very uncomfortable when the topic turns to sex. I want to, need to, be comfortable with my sexuality. I want to be able to get close to someone and have a meaningful, trusting relationship.
I am currently at a cross roads which is what prompted me to look for a site like this in the first place. I felt like I needed to confront this because something is not right with me. I recently met a guy that that I've developed strong feelings for. I'd like to move forward and start something with him, but I can't. I can't seem to open up to him and be honest. I still feel that shame. I feel inadequate in so many ways and get scared about letting people get too close or know too much about me. I don't want to live like that. I think I might have to share my past with some people in my life. It will be difficult, but I'm going to have to do it.
by Feeling Betteron 3 Jun 2005
I have been sexually abused for 7 years by my neighbor (same age as me) I am now 16. He never "actually" raped me, (no penetration) but he did everything else...he also abused me physically, and lately he has only been able to mess with me emotionally because he moved to his dad's about 1 hour away. He still visits his mom (my neighbor) and those days are the worst days of my life.
The only reason I go when he calls is because if I donít go he'll call on my little sister who will....he knows I'll do anything to protect her...and so I have been sacrificing my innocence since the age of 9 for her....luckily it has worked....he has never touched her....this is the only thing that fills me with pride and happiness.
I am to afraid to go to the police....I donít know why exactly.... and the stupidest thing is I feel as though I am betraying him if I go...though I know Iím not the one at fault... but he was nice, sometimes..... And his mother is so sweet, I couldnít bear to break her heart.
He still calls on me every once in a while, and I still go....when I come home with bruises and cuts I tell my parents that I fell....they know nothing.
I am also a Self injurer.... something I DO NOT recommend to anyone.
I am seeing a therapist, and I m not completely honest with her...she thinks it has stopped....it had when he moved, but now it started again....and I never told her that.
The only thing that I can say is that Iím a better person because of him.
I am studying to be a Teen Therapist, I want to help others.
Well....that's all I guess.
All of you who have been abused,
We will all get through this...
by Aimeeon 3 Jun 2005
Hi, I have been sexually assaulted since I was about 6-7 yrs old. Itís still happening to this day. The first two times it happened they were females, meant to be my school friends. Over the years whenever I have been put into the situation, I have never been able to say no, so people have there way with me.
by Joanne on 2 Jun 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.