I was sexually abused by my father from a young age up until approximately 15. The abuse lessened as I got older. This is one of my many memories. It is the first I have recovered. I am now 17 and have only just started remembering this happened. I do not know if these memories are true or false.
Daddy and I are in my room. My room is next to my parents at the back of my house. There are two sets of windows one at the end of my room near the door the others on the side of my wall. The wardrobe door is on the same side of the room as my bedroom door. My bedroom is white, my door is closed. I am lying on my single bed which has dark wood on either side, farthest side being a head rest other side a low wood piece. Daddy is standing at the end of my bed on his knees. I think he may be wearing blue, he looks young and is smiling and there is a twinkle in his eye. I am unclothed apart from my little girl cotton panties. I vaguely remember my chest of drawers dark mahogany. I am looking at daddy and he is looking at me smiling. I am semi-conscious of my nakedness remembering my barely there breasts like the figure of a little boy. My translucent sin and my prominent ribs. My pants are a soft pastel or white with swirl black or darker colored designs. The elasticized top is shaped like half circles embroidering the pants. He is using his finger next to his thumb to stroke me through my pants. It was fun; he is paying attention to me and smiling so everything must be ok. I can feel the slight scratching through my fabric he is softly yet firmly pressing his finger against me while rubbing it by bending it up and down. My legs are hanging down at the front of the bed, open and he is between them. My face changes from being a young girl to being older my hair changes. My thoughts tell me to remember, Sarah remember this when you are older and sort out whether or not this is good or right. Save it so you can work it all out. I am smiling happy looking at him and at the ceiling my arms slightly separate from my hands, he is talking to me but I do not know what he is saying anymore. We are now at the door of the bedroom I am clothed he is pointing a finger in my face before we both leave the door telling me something serious. I listen and nod pleased to be pleasing daddy.
I apologize if this triggers anything or if it is confusing I wrote it whilst remembering and havenít really been able to read over it again as it causes pain and realization.
by samanthaon 17 Jun 2005
My name is Mandy and I am a victim of rape. I am 18 years old and I was raped only 3 weeks ago by my 19 year old ex-boyfriend. It is still so hard for me to accept that it happened to me. He made me believe that he loved me and that we were going to get married, but he lied to me. I thought he would never hurt me, I thought he would always be there for me, but I was wrong.
There was a graduation party the night after my High School graduation which was on May 26, 2005, and both Aaron and I were invited. At the party I drank 3 shots of vodka and 3 beers, and after that I started throwing up. I remember Aaron holding my hair back while I was throwing up and holding me in his arms trying to make me feel better. I could barely open my eyes, everything was so blurry. I remember one of Aaron's friends suggesting we go for a car ride to help me get over being sick faster. I didn't want to at first, but then Aaron convinced me to come. They drove me around for an hour 1/2, I don't even remember the car ride because I had passed out, all I remember is waking up a few times to throw up while Aaron held the car door open, and I remember someone saying that cops were following us. Once we got back to the house, Aaron told me that it was time to get out of the car, and I remember saying, "I can't!" Then he told me that he would help me. Once we were inside, he told me to try to walk to the couch. Soon I was on the couch with him putting ice on my face, he kept telling me not to fall asleep. He wanted me to kiss him, and I just wanted him to leave me alone. Then he started asking me things like, "Do you want to go to the bedroom?" and "Do you want to see me naked?" I just shook my head no, and he told me to stop being stubborn. Even his friend told him to just let me sleep, but he was determined to keep me awake. Before long, his friend told me that I wasn't going anywhere in the condition that I was in, and he made me a bed on the floor so that I could sleep there over night. Aaron ended up sleeping next to me. I woke up after I had been asleep for 2 hours because I had to go to the bathroom, and Aaron woke up at that time too. He asked me, "What's wrong?" And I told him what I was doing, and then when I came back he asked, "What took you so long?" Once I lay back down he said in a forceful voice, "Take your shirt off?" I was afraid of what he might do if I didn't do what he said, so I took my shirt off. Then he told me to take my bra off too. After that he began unbuckling my belt and then he slowly took off my pants and then my panties. As I laid there naked I watched him as he unbuckled his belt and took his pants and underwear off. I wanted to cry, I didn't know what to do. He got on top of me and I tried to tell him to stop, but he just kept saying, "Sshhh, it'll be ok!" I tried to tell him that he was hurting me, but he wouldn't stop. "Please don't do this!" I whispered. I felt as if I had no strength to fight back, he was so strong and I felt so helpless against him. Before long I just gave up and let him force me to have sex with him. After a while it was like I felt no pain, I felt like my spirit had escaped from my body and I was just watching this horrible thing happen to me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. At one point I remember him saying, "I bet you love me more now huh?" And then I started crying. He finally stopped when his friend heard us and woke up to find out what was going on. Once his friend left he asked if I was ready for round 2, and I shook my head and said "no" quietly. He wanted me to go outside on the trampoline so that we wouldn't wake anyone else up, but I wouldn't. Then he asked me to come take a shower with him, and I said, "I just want to go back to sleep!" So he gave me my clothes and we both got dressed, and then he took me outside with him. His friend was outside cooking hotdogs over a fire and drinking more vodka. Once we went back inside he said, "I'm going back to bed, will you come with me?" Then I said, "Ok." He told me that he loved me and then he left. After that I never saw him again. In my mind it was all almost like a dream, it didn't seem real. I didn't want to believe that this had really happened to me, especially not by my boyfriend who I believed loved me so much. "He wouldn't do this to me!" I said to myself. I started trying to block it out of my mind and make myself believe that it never happened, and then I started making up lies about what happened to try to protect him. But now weeks later I have decided to tell everyone the truth about what happened that night, and try to accept it and move on with my life. I have chosen to press charges against Aaron for raping me, I need justice for what he's done to me. I don't think I will ever really be ok, this has changed my life in so many ways. He took away a part of me that I can never get back, and his face is constantly flashing through my mind haunting me night and day. I wish that all this pain would go away, I feel like my life has crumbled into millions of pieces and my heart has been ripped out of me. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I would just die and then it would all be over, but I know that I can't give up now. I have to keep fighting! I can't let him get away with this! My friends and family are what keeps me going, without them I know that I wouldn't have the strength and courage to fight him. I'm so scared of him, I'm sure that he will come after me once he finds out that I'm pressing charges against him, but that's a risk that I'm willing to take. He can't possibly hurt me more than he already has.
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to tell my story.
by Mandy Swensenon 16 Jun 2005
I've been coming to this site for awhile and reading stories and now I have decided to share my story. I am 35 years old and this happened when I was only 13 years old. I have not thought about it in over 10 years but I had a flashback very recently. Itís making me feel like I am going CRAZY! I have been watching the Natalie Holloway coverage on the news, also the Michael Jackson case triggered some bad memories. I remember being a naive 13 year old like that kid Gavin from a broken family. I saw the photo of the 3 guys Natalie Holloway supposedly hung out with and heard she was drunk. Watching the story I know what probably happened to her.All I can ever think about now is what happened to me over 20 years ago. This whole story has triggered something in my brain.
This is the first time I ever told anyone my whole story. When I was 13 I came from a very troubled home. My mom kicked out my dad when I was 11 because all he did was yell and scream at her every single day. I still do not know why this happened. So he was gone and I never saw him again or had any contact for some years. I became very rebellious. Started drinking, smoking, trying very hard to be cool and fit in. I was a total outcast in school. I was so desperate to be older yet I was only 13. I was into music like Iron Maiden and Judas priest and dressing the part. I had met this kid who was 17 who dressed like me and was into the same music. His name was "KevinĒ. He was popular. I wasnít! He was the definition of a bad kid, of the worst kind. But he was always so nice to me the whole time we dated. My mom forced me to break up with him and never see him again when she found out I was hanging out with him. So I did, some months later I ran into him. I told him I was sorry I broke up with him. So he was being so nice and invited me to some party at his friendís house. He told me his friends from some band I liked would be there. So I said yes. I met him at his friendís house and it was only him and his two friends who were about 17 or 18. I felt weird and I said I thought it was going to be a big party? He was like yeah but they didnít show up. I being young and naÔve and stayed. I mean Kevin was my ex, I knew him he would never hurt me ever. So we were all drinking. I got so drunk I almost passed out. Thatís when Kevin grabbed me and tore my clothes off, he raped me. He told me "this is what you get for breaking up with me. Then his two friends both took turns and I tried to fight them off but couldnít. They all were laughing on the top of their lungs the whole time. I know he did this to humiliate, degrade and destroy me and destroy my pride. It was his revenge.
After it was over I was in such shock, they dropped me off at my house. I really couldnít comprehend what happened. I was only 13. I felt so ashamed and dirty. I got home and my mom yelled at me for coming home late. I didnít tell anyone and I felt like it was my fault for drinking and just being there. I couldnít tell my mom, I thought she'd say I deserved it and what was I doing there. I couldnít tell my brothers. Well I decided not to tell anyone and I blocked it out. The worst thing was sometimes I saw him around school and heíd bother me... call me names. I didnít want to tell anyone because I was scared if I did he would get madder and come after me and possibly kill me. He told everyone I would have sex with anyone no matter what they looked like. People believed it because he was POPULAR. Who would believe me? I wasnít popular. And I didnít want my mom, my family, and my brothers to know I was gang raped. Everyone would look at me different. NO ONE WOULD WANT TO TALK TO ME. Thatís how I felt. So I basically totally blocked out what happened to me and very quickly got on with my life. Whatís worse was that he was dating one of my friends and I couldnít tell her.
1 year later I went to a new school where nobody knew me or knew who I was. I made a lot of nice friends. My dad moved back in and I got out of that metal music and was friends with kids my own age. I met this kid at school who was a senior, his name was "Tony". Tony was popular and luckily he fell in love with me and one day "Kevin" and his friends who raped saw me with Tony. Kevin looked angry, and since that day he never went up to me and bothered me again.
I went out with Tony for 5 years and it was a wonderful relationship. He healed me from my pain. I told him I was raped but I couldnít bring myself to tell him who did it. I was afraid he would go after Kevin, Kevin might try to kill him or kill me and my family. Looking back I think he might have still and I think when he raped me he also had planned on killing me as well but changed his mind. I guess I was lucky. I do very much regret not telling Tony he did it. I should have let Tony beat him up. I was scared to but that is my mistake.
My best friend told me one day that her friends were talking to my ex Kevin and heís SO NICE AND CUTE. I got so mad I came out and said he beat me and put a knife to me. She was like 'what"? "You never told me that"? Kind of like she didnít believe me. Then she changed the subject. I was surprised by her reaction. If she would have questioned me about it or had been sympathetic I would have told her what he really did. I was glad I didnít tell her after all.
I've had healthy relationships and friendships with men, but I am very wary of men. The last time I thought about this rape was 10 years ago. I was having major flashbacks. I told my boyfriend at the time but couldnít tell him the whole story because it hurt so much. I was in college at the time and it was interfering with schoolwork so I saw a college counselor, and I told her what happened. Honestly she was no help she sent me to some Rape counseling center. I told the woman what happened to me and she just sat there starring at me and then says "oh so do you pull your hair out"? What kind of question was that. I was just like why would you ask me that? Looking back she seemed like she was having fun with me and not there to help so I never got help again. I was able to totally block it out of my head for over 10 years, I forgot it even happened to me.
But Iím a successful person. I thought I would be able to block out what happened to me but I was never able, It has come back into my head in full force over 20 years later. I feel like it just happened.
One thing I noticed about the stories on here. Most of the rapes from non family members happen to girls who were my age by a male friend or boyfriend. I guess 13 or 14 is such a vulnerable age. Thatís the age you might look older and want to be cool and are naive and trusting. The perfect age for a rapist to attack. If you are a parent itís important to watch your kids closely at that age. I came from a broken home. No one in my extended family who were wealthy and living it up came to help me or my mom, no one was there for me. My brothers had their own lives, no one was home. Thatís why this happened to me.
To this day I feel like this guy still wants to find me and kill me. I wonder what he has done to other people. If this is happening to anyone, please have them arrested call the cops, Do not let them get away with raping you. Nobody deserves to be tormented like I have been. They need to be punished for what they did/
I guess I am going to figure out how to get rid of these bad flashbacks. If anyone wants to help me or talk to me, share a story please email me---
by kristyon 16 Jun 2005
I was raped about three to six times a month for about 1 years and I'm still recovering. I'm 15 right now and this happened about 2 years ago. I told my mom about 5 months ago. I was raped by my boyfriend, we were going out for 3 months when we were in a party and he told me he was going to take me home after the party, I told my mom I was going to be back by 1am. The party ended about 12 oíclock. I drank a lot of beer there and smoked 3 cigarettes. When we were coming home from the party I asked him if we could go somewhere to wash my mouth out from the drinking and smoking. We went to his house, his parents were out of town and his sister was living with her boyfriend. I washed my mouth and he came in naked to the bathroom and dragged me to his room and took off all my clothes. He stuck his penis in my vagina and after 10 minutes he told me to have oral sex with him. Then he began to kiss my breasts. It felt like I was in hell. 1 hour and 30 min passed when he said its time to go baby and went to get dressed. I was so afraid, I thought he was never going to take me home. It was 1:30am when he dropped me off at my house and the next week I broke up with him.
by Kaila on 16 Jun 2005
It started when I was 7. My mother was struggling in her battle with breast cancer. She spent most of her time in the hospital. My brother was just a baby and my sister was 9. I was alone and sad. My father didnít pay much attention to any of us. He always made it very clear that he disliked children. He told us often that he never wanted to have kids, it was only because my mother wanted kids that he went along with it. I was desperate for attention of any kind so when the brother of our housekeeper started to molest me I said nothing. I did not understand what was happening and I was so pathetic and stupid that when he told me it was a special game I figured I was special. That just about kills me now. I hate myself for that. No matter how many times I tell myself it was not my fault, I don't believe it. That summer was the beginning of my personal hell. My mother died, I was raped, and my father started on his path of verbal and emotional abuse. Occasionally he would lash out physically but mostly he told me over and over how useless I was and he succeeded in convincing my brother and sister and later my stepmother that I was worthless. I am 49 years old now and I have only just started to seek help to face my past and all the things I did to try to cope and as a result of the abuse when I was a child. One important thing I have learned is that I am definitely not alone. That is comforting in one way but mostly it is frightening. There are too many of us. But, so far we have survived.
by maggieon 15 Jun 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.