I just wanted to thank all of you for your courageous willingness to share your stories. For those of you, who are in the midst of trying to find healing, remember to never give up hope.
I myself was raped repeatedly by my step-father from the age of about 6 until the age of 9. I can relate to so many of your stories. The loneliness, the pain, the terror, the secrecy, the confusion, the sense of shame, the desire to disappear during the actual abuse, the tendencies to self-harm. . . all of these are things I have grappled with.
I am now in my thirties and (although I still struggle with depression and occasional flashbacks) I have found a great deal of healing and inner peace. Healing takes time but little-by-little it CAN be attained.
Never forget that regardless of what others may have done to you, it was NOT your fault. Be kind and gentle with yourself, you deserve it. And never forget that you have dignity in the eyes of God which no human being can ever take away from you. Even though you may not have a sense of your own dignity, it is there. May each of you find the healing you deserve.
by anonymous on 18 Jun 2005
I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone on this site that had the courage to talk as for me I am still the only one that knows about my abuse so here is my story... I was 12 and she was 15 she was my cousin as a child I was a big girl and wasnít very well liked, always called chubby and fat. My family was my refuge from society so I spent as much time with them as I could. My cousin "Tracy" would always invite me over to her house so we could play "boyfriend girlfriend" as she called it. Since I was bigger than her I was always selected as the boyfriend it started off with little things like sleeping naked together then it got to the point where she would have me stick my fingers in her vagina mind you I was 12 years old I didnít know what sex was and I didnít know what we were doing was wrong I thought it was just a game that big kids played. This went on for about 2 years but then it progressed to me giving her oral sex. I was so scared but she told me that was what boyfriends did for girlfriends and that she would stop being my friend if I didnít do it. She said she would tell my mom that it was all my idea if I told. So I did it then after she got out of that phase she had her real boyfriend buy her a vibrator (he was 18) and we played that game for a while. One night she told her boyfriend about this little "game" that we played and he asked if he could watch so she let him. Thatís when he raped me. She said everything would be okay and I would like it well I didnít and I started crying. He put his hand over my mouth and told me that if I didnít shut up then he would beat me and leave me in the woods so I laid there and tried to be quiet. After he finished "Tracy" got out her vibrator and started where he left off. This went on for hours, I was so numb that I didnít care. I just wanted it to be over and when it finally was I walked home after they had fallen asleep. I lived 8 miles away but I walked home, I was so ashamed. I told my mom that I didnít feel good and that "Tracy's" boyfriend took me home. I havenít talked to her since. When I started high school I seen her and I just froze. I ran to the bathroom and started crying my first day of freshman year. I stayed in the bathroom all day. My brother told my teacher that I was missing and they came and found me I lied and said I started my period and I needed to go home. They called my mom and I left and I never went back to that school. It separated my brother and I for the first time but nobody understood why I couldnít go to school so I lied and said I was made fun of. My mom never made me go back. I no longer speak to that side of the family. My mom and dad got divorced and now I am living my life. I still think about it everyday and I think it has changed me. I am very confused when it comes to sex, I am 18 and have just recently had sex willingly. He didnít understand why I cried during sex. I think I am ready to tell him because I think I love him. After your raped it takes a long time to trust again and Daniel is the first person that I have trusted since it happened so I think its time I come out and tell him what happened to me. It has changed me in many ways there for a while I thought I was a lesbian because of what happened to me. I found girls attractive but I think I am finally starting to get my life straightened out. THERE IS LIFE AFTER RAPE & ITS HARD TO FIND IT BUT GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS....Thanks for listening
by Shawna on 17 Jun 2005
I have read your stories and feel your pain. As I read them I must stop myself from once again saying" Well there are other's who have had it worse than I". Undoubtedly that is true, but nevertheless that does not take away what I have suffered.
I was sexually abused by my grandfather from the time I was a tiny child till I was 10 or 11. I am 36 now and I have over the years found out that he also sexually abused one of my sisters and most if not all of my female cousins and my own mother (her own father did it) and my mother's sister's also. My grandmother knew and did nothing about it.
My mother passed away suddenly last year and everything came out into the open in our family. My sister plucked up the courage to say something to my father about what happened to us and he, sadly, disappointed, like so many others who cannot or do not wish to deal with it basically denies that he bears any responsibility whatsoever in failing to protect us from our abuser (Why didn't we tell), all the while sobbing to my other siblings saying how badly he failed me and my sister??? Also saying stupid horrible things like (He thinks a child might like it or else they'd tell). He said things that I'll never be able to forget or forgive. One of my eldest brother's also sexually abused my sister from the time she was 9 till she left home at 18....and most of our family knows this yet not a single person has confronted our brother or treated him any differently. I suffer from agoraphobia; I have severe panic attacks when I leave my house so I have hardly left my home in the past 5 years. I suffer from irritable bowel syndrome, I have to take an antibiotic pill every time I have intercourse with my husband in order to not get a urinary tract infection, and have post traumatic stress disorder and OCD obsessive compulsive disorder. Now I know that sounds like I am a terrible mess of a person but I am not. I am certainly "dysfunctional" and probably always will be to some degree, but I am facing the FACTS of my abuse, I Know I am a good person and I DO stand up for myself, I will never again let anyone naysay my abuse, I will find things to be happy about each day even as I fight through the symptoms that my childhood abuse has led to. I don't know you here except for in my heart. We have all suffered greatly at the hands of another. Our innocence was stolen from us. We are Angry, and rightly so. YOU and I have The Basic Human Right to have been Protected and Nurtured and Cared for Unfortunately this did not happen. Please DO NOT go on letting yourself punish yourself or be punished emotionally, physically, sexually or any other way because of what happened to you. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and Make yourself believe that 1. You are a Good person (and if you are not then work on becoming one.) 2. You deserve love and goodness. 3. You deserve to be happy. 4. Do not expect others to make you happy, only YOU can make you happy. 5. Most importantly of all if you are a Mother, Please do whatever it takes to make sure this could never ever happen to your own child! I hear stories of mother's who are in denial about their own abuse and go and leave their own children with their own abuser or a friend or stepfather or another relative.....Please for all our sakes, don't take any chances. Educate your child about sexual abuse and tell them what to do if anyone ever tries to touch them inappropriately and if you don't know what to tell them then get a book about it. Your child deserves to be safe and protected even if you were not. Make sure they will never suffer like you and I have. Bless You All. Take Care of Yourselves, no one else is going to do it for you.
by Michele on 17 Jun 2005
I donít know where to start. I have been abused so many times in my life. I am 18, a mother and have recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I was repeatedly raped and molested from the ages 2 to 6.
My mother was a druggy and alcoholic. Every night or so she would hold parties where all her friends, boyfriends and whoever would rape me. I would be in bed sleeping, the noise would wake me up most nights. I would watch the light coming through the doorframe, waiting for my night time visitor. Then whoever it was that night would come in. I was forced to give oral and when they came they would do it on my face or in my mouth. I was very degraded.
When they raped me I would wet the bed in the process. My mother as if she knew, would come in a little while later and bath me. The men used to smother me to stifle my screams.
Another time when I was 6, my mother used me to pay off a debt she had with 2 men. They took me to a river, where they took turns having their way with me. They threatened to drown me if I told. My mother had to know what happened because when I was brought back I was wearing bloody panties.
When I was 4, I had to give another one of my mothers 'friends' oral sex while his friend took pornographic photos of me.
When I was 11 my brother in law told me that he had wanted me when he met me at 8. I was freaked out and I told my 'foster parents'. I was made to confront him and he denied it calling me a liar. When I turned 13, he started touching me sexually. It started out being a massage then escalated. Then the sex started. I didnít tell him No, but I tried to get away, and I told him I wasnít ready. He seduced me. It hurt sooo much. The many times that he had sex with me, my sister was in the next room. When I turned 16, I told him that I wanted it to stop. He beat me so I continued doing it. I never initiated the occasions. He took advantage of a very hormonal time in my life, I just wanted to be loved. I had to move out a couple of months after my 16th to get away from him.
The only person who knows all of this is my longtime boyfriend. He is the one who encouraged me to tell my story so I can start to move on. Nearly every night I have many nightmares and flash backs. Sometimes I get panic attacks as well. If anyone wants to email me at all feel free.
by justmeon 17 Jun 2005
Be aware that the name entered above is not my real one, but the e-mail address is my secondary one so you can e-mail it. Well, I was 8 yrs old and I went over to my best friend's house. Her cousin was there. His name was Alex. He was 12 yrs old. He decided we should play house and we did. My best friend was the baby, I was the mom, and Alex was the dad. My best friend went on the top bunk and Alex and I went on the bottom. (After the bedroom door was shut), Alex said we had to do what moms and dads do in bed. I was completely oblivious until he took his clothes off. Then I started fighting him, but he over powered me and I was raped with my best friend on the top bunk laughing and his mom in the next room drinking. Now, I can't have a regular relationship with a guy. Iíll go out with them until they want to get intimate and then I'll cut them off. My girlfriend (I'm bi sexual) knows about that happened to me and she knows how I feel (she too was raped). We're moving slow, but sometimes when I'm alone I just feel so . . . I can't explain it! I only know it scares me and I start crying.Oh yeah, and my parents don't know about what happened to me. I was only friends with the girl to annoy my dad (he didn't like her family) and I feel like if I tell my mom she'll tell my dad. And if my dad finds out, he'll go all "Ha! Ha! I told you so". If you say no, you don't know my dad.
by Jazlynnon 17 Jun 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.