Rape and sexual abuse survivors - Dancing In The Darkness resource for rape and sexual abuse survivors. help and support for rape and sexual abuse survivors
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Featured Category:
Date Rape

Date Rape

In many cases of rape and sexual abuse, the predator is a man the woman is dating. This is commonly called Date Rape or Aquaintance Rape. These are the most common type of rape committed.




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Hi! I never thought I would find a website like this. I have met so many people here and am thankful for this site. My story starts when I was 7...from what I can remember. My cousin Frankie raped me when I was 7...at first it started out with just him touching me {I was a very early bloomer}...It went on like this for a month or so...Until recently I thought that was all he had done to me...But then I started getting flashbacks. My first flashback was when we were in his room watching a movie. It was "BAMBI" but we had it on mute cause we were listening to music. He put his hand down my shorts and started to touch me...it wasnít long until he unzipped his pants and had me touch his penis...I remember him saying :"HOW DOES IT FEEL..FEELS GOOD RIGHT"...when I tried to fight him he hit me so I didnít say anything anymore...by the time I knew it I was naked and he was on top of me. He raped me that day and took away my innocence.......Thatís just one flashback. Iím 13 and have gone through so much since I was 7 at the hands of different people. I donít know what to do and am looking for guidance. If you have any advice please email me at angelinpain10@yahoo.com
by Veroon 26 Jun 2005

I grew up around a man who was sexually interested in children, and he targeted me. I didn't notice that anything was wrong until I was ten. He had been inappropriate with me before that, but it just took a while for me to make the connections. By then, I felt trapped because this man had control over me. The abuse got worse over time, but I never expected it to get as unbearable as it did when he raped me for the first time. Then, I was 12. After that, I began feeling very sick all the time and could not focus on living. Luckily, he's gone now, but the mental and physical marks of his violence are still with me, and hiding them seems shameful. Now, I am in therapy for an eating disorder, and I'm trying to find a way to tell my therapist about all of this. I can only focus on trying to be the innocent girl I once was, and it's ruining everything. I just want to get past it all. I know it's just a matter of time before I can take back my life. Until then, I've got to stay strong.
by Nina on 26 Jun 2005

I am not exactly sure how old I was when my brother began to sexually abuse me. I have three distinct flashback memories: One was him 'teaching me how to french kiss'. Another was him crawling into bed with me naked and asking me if I want to touch him. And the last was being on all fours on the edge of his bed and then suddenly feeling a pain and telling him that it hurt, so he stopped.
My memories are all so blurry, it's hard for me to really know what happened. Sometimes I actually feel that this is almost a tactic of my coping skills, because when you don't really know what happened, It's so much easier for you to try to 'rationalize' it and say to yourself "well...DID it really happen??"
I was stuck in that limbo for a very long time, ever since I hit puberty and somewhere deep in my brain went "Oh...so THATíS what it was he was doing to you." But I couldn't piece it all together; instead I began to torment myself with horrible feelings that I didn't understand and didnít know where they were coming from. I was in so much pain, but all I could tell myself was "you have no reason to be in all this pain, you have no reason to feel this way. So STOP it. You're just doing it for attention." It's not enough to say that I was my own worst enemy at that point. That is, until I met Mark.
The last few weeks of my freshman year I met a senior. He was kind of known in his class for being 'messed up'. Although at this point I was a very strong and confident person (on the outside) with a lot going for her, on the inside I was messed up myself. You could say that this was a case of misery Loves Company gone horribly wrong. Mark fit the profile of a dangerous person, obsessive, jealous, derogatory name calling, threatening suicide (and sometimes even discrete homicide), low self esteem, obsessed with both death and pornography (CHILD pornography), and a practically borderline-Dr. Jekyll, Mrs. Hyde- personality. Yeah, the boy was crazy. My brother halfway broke me, this guy just finished the job. It took him about a year. Then he left me alone, for a little while.

I had a nervous breakdown the day before finals of my junior year and tried to kill myself. You know you're crazy when you manage to convince yourself that you'd literally rather die then take a history final (and I LIKE history). I managed to convince people that it was an 'accident,' but by this time I was being pumped full of so many pharmaceuticals and spent many hours with therapist of which I said nothing to, because that was the one thing I felt like I could control, my emotions. I just didn't want anyone to know, I'm supposed to be the one with so much potential. I CAN'T lose it, I might disappoint someone. That type of thinking will drive you crazy in itself.
Anyway, Iím desperate to kill myself/ or at least continue down my self-destructive path.... do ANYTHING but face the fear and the pain.... so who better to see than the one person I know who can mess me up better than anyone???
It must have been like Christmas for him when he saw the state I was in. I started sneaking out at night with Mark (I slept about 16 hrs in the daytime anyway) and started doing a LOT of drugs, passing out,....... it was only a matter of time now before Mark took advantage of the situation and raped me (surprisingly he never raped me before this point).
All I remember was incoherently mumbling to him "wear a condom, wear a condom' and then waking up to him on top of me. The worst part of it was that I was screaming...as in orgasmically screaming. I guess when you're all coked up and having sex with an unconscious chick for like 6 hours, you finally hit that spot. So the first time I ever had an orgasm was when I was being raped. When he was done, he bragged that he went through 8 condoms on my blacked out body and then said "Just because you spread your legs for me doesn't mean you still don't owe me $60."
Soon after that the cops kind of got involved. Not because I told them I was being abused, but because my parents found out that I was sneaking out at night. So we couldn't hang out anymore.
Yet, once again...there was uncertainty in what happened. Was I really raped? Or was I just so messed up on drugs (that he gave me) that I just blacked out and couldn't remember what happened? So it went right back to. What happened?-Did it happen? What happened-Did it happen?....and then "I don't want to think about it Iím going over to another messed up boyfriends place to drink/do drugs. I was very depressed, as one can imagine, for 5 years, the supposed "best years of my life", my life was just one big blur.
I "slept it off" for those 5 years and started to function a little more normally. I went to community college, got my G.E.D, started to heal myself. Once I was normal again, I went off to college. I'm a psychology major. I started doing research for sexual abuse and assault about a year ago. I read and learned about all those symptoms that survivors of both child sexual abuse and sexual assault have. They were my symptoms. A rush of conscious clarity took over.

What happened? - I was sexually abused by my brother as a child, and sexually assaulted as a teenager.

I no longer feel like I didn't deserve to feel the way I felt, and the way I feel. I still have bad days, but I know why now, and I know its okay. And I know that there are good days around the corner. Because I survived.
by Christineon 26 Jun 2005

I was 15, he was supposed to be 21, later I found out he was 28. I met him walking home from school, he had a car, own place and was cute. That was every 15 year old girlís fantasy. He invited me to his house we were in his room watching TV when he climbed on top of me and held me down, pulled my pants down me, pushed my face into a pillow so nobody could here me scream and raped me. It took him ten minutes to take my virginity, to take away every thing that was innocent about me. He damaged me for life! I asked him why? He said he just had to.
by Jashaon 25 Jun 2005

I was twelve. I had just started having wet dreams.
My mom came in to the bathroom to pee when I was in the shower. She sat there a long, long time, with a magazine. My fingers and skin were all wrinkled, the water had gone cold. I was done, and stepped out to dry off. She stood up, and said she could help dry me off, but I said I was fine. She grabbed the towel and dried my back, then the back of my legs, then the front. I got hard. She started drying me there, hard. I told her to stop, but she said it would be OK, just wait and see. I came. I was confused and hurt. She kept coming in after that, and would dry me off. One time she came in the shower with me. I did not know what to do.
She said it was time to make a man of me, and put me in her. I was so scared.

Then she just stopped, I never knew why.
by ricon 25 Jun 2005

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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.

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