I am 16 now, and this incident only happened last winter. I was 15 and my boyfriend was 18. We had been together for 6 months. We broke up a few months ago, 3 months after it happened. I donít know if this is rape, or what it was...but it still bothers me. We were at his house one night, and we were fooling around like we always did. He used his finger, but stopped because I said it started to hurt. I knew whenever I didnít wanted to fool around, he would get mad, so I felt bad, but it hurt to much to continue. A few minutes later, he wanted to try it again, and I kept saying "no it hurts too much." He insisted it would be okay, and we should just try it. When I kept saying no, he grabbed my hand and bent it backwards like he did at previous times when he wanted to pin me down. He bent my hand back until I couldnít move, and he laid on my other arm so I couldnít hit him. Then I tried as hard as I could to keep my legs closed, but when he couldnít get them open he said he would bend my other hand if I didnít open my legs by the count of 5. He counted to 3 when he started to reach for my other hand, so I opened my legs. He started to finger me again, while still holding my hands down so I couldnít move. I didnít fight anymore, and I didnít look at him. When he stopped he told me he was sorry and it wouldnít happen again...I believed him, but as time went on, I realized he was very aggressive, and was not good to me unless I did what he wanted. I broke up with him, and now seeing him makes me feel humiliated and dirty.
by holly* on 3 Jul 2005
I was raped during my junior year at age 17. My rapist was also of the same age and grade. One of my friends had introduced me to him and I thought he was the sweetest guy. Our first time hanging out he said he wanted to cuddle and get to know me so he parked in a parking lot. I went along with it...till I laid down and he started taking off my pants and pulling down his. I was so scared and said I wasn't ready. He just ignored me and kept going. Next thing I knew...he was in me. I'd never felt so much pain in all my life. I kept crying, saying no and trying to push him away but it was no use. It had finally finished and he got back in the driver seat and said I had to walk home. So I walked home alone in the night, crying, scared and feeling so gross and ashamed. Two weeks later he asked me to hang out and I figured people would change seeing how much they've hurt you...but no. He did it again. His homecoming was a week after that, where he had asked me to go, and I accepted (thinking once again he'd change). His friends put something in my drink, I became tipsy, he took me to his house, and raped me for my third time (that one being the worst of all). I'm the kind of person who likes to give people chances but I guess some people just can't change...and I learned that the hard way. Yes, that screwed over my life tremendously but that wasn't the first time I'd been hurt. Between the age 11 and 14, I had been beaten from men around me cause I'd been considered the ugliest girl and they'd say "someone like her should've been killed at birth" and so on. Don't you just hate when people tell you "oh I know it's hard but it'll all get better"?! They can't say that. They don't know what we've been through and suffered. Because of all that has happened...I'll never be the same again. I don't remember what it was like to not be afraid of people and happy. I'm 18 and a graduate and have made it this far...I donít know how much longer though. These memories are eating me from the inside out and the knives aren't cutting it for me. Thanks for listening.
by Sarahon 2 Jul 2005
I wrote the story about my rape on this site March 15th, 2005. Every now and again I read other survivor's stories. As I read I feel both empowered and saddened. Empowered because I know I am not alone and that so many women had the strength to break their silence as I did. Yet I am saddened because so many women had a rape story to tell, and so many others have yet to be told.
As the trial of the man who raped me draws near (Aug.15th), every bit of fear and pain I felt that night comes back as if it just happened yesterday. I still feel him on top of me violating every part of my body. I can still hear my screams and pleads for him to stop and my remembrance of him not heeding my words. I remember when it was over. I stood in that shower in absolute shock sobbing with uncontrollable tears.
Now, I fight for justice. I pray God that I receive just that. Oh how i wish that the memories would go away and that he would just go away
by Cindyon 1 Jul 2005
It's weird running across this site. It brings back so many repressed memories I have never talked about. My situation my mom and step dad to this day have no idea about. I am from Tokyo Japan. We were raised in a very loving but rigid discipline of the Asian culture. My dad died in a car wreck when I was 11. Heartbroken and economically we were broke. I guess it may be true love on my mom's part, I will never really know. At 13 my mom was dating an American business man. By 14, they were married. By 15 we were transferred to America by his company. My step dad was 35 when we came here and my mom was 37. She seemed to want a nice life, home and family. He seemed very immature and wanted to drink and part constantly. One of his many friends he had over Mike was a younger guy around 25. Mike showed me a lot of interest and attention, and secretly he and I were talking on the phone a lot. After being tricked, I feel now into caring about him a lot, he turned many of the conversations sexual, about how he would make love to me etc. I was 15 and proudly a virgin and didn't want to change that until I was married, so I backed away from him quickly. He would come by after school and ring the bell after I stopped taking his calls. After about a month he stopped. He was at the house a couple of times partying with my step dad and would constantly stare at me and try to talk nice until I stayed out of the room, he was making me very nervous when he did come over. My older sister had complained to our mom about him flirting with her and was admonished to not make trouble with her husband and her. My mom and dad went to Florida on a three day seminar for his work, two weekends before my 16th birthday. My sister was working at Dillard's at our local mall, and I was sunning on the deck of our pool, and Mike is in our backyard talking to me, completely naked. I sat up with my heart in my throat, speechless. He was a good looking very muscular guy, and seeing him like that, he seemed so powerful and intimidating. No I didn't scream for help, and if I did it would have been to no avail as we live on a 120 acre ranch, and only the wildlife would hear. He tried desperately to sooth me and makes me cooperate, and when 15 minutes of that not working, he changed. He became mean and strong and very aggressive and snatched my bikini of off me in seconds and very forcefully held my wrist to the ground, forced my legs apart with his knees and raped me hard for what seemed like forever, but I think was about 30 minutes. He made it clear to me when he orgasmed and told me while he did that he hoped we could be together forever one day and make a beautiful family. Telling me what every young girl dreams of, a beautiful man, strong, and wanting to be together forever and have a beautiful family. What a way to lose your virginity. After this was over I just lay there letting him caress me, I knew he could do what he wanted, and so I didn't fight it anymore. He kissed me all over, told me wonderful things, cleaned me up some, preformed oral sex on me and we had sex again before he left. How I hid it from my sister and mom to this day is beyond me still. But that first day he promised if I talked or made trouble, my life would be horrific, but if I would be his girl, we could have many nice times together. I was his for the next two years, whenever, and however he wanted. Taking explicit photos of me alone, and yes he even let other men take me, and made photos, movies and the like. He would even take me to other towns for amateur night and I would strip in front of throngs of strangers. Oddly I began to really like that attention and power it gave me. Eventually he went to jail for credit card fraud, and burglary, which was all a great shock to me, I never knew at all of his other secret life of theft and other crimes. But here I am, just turned 21 and I know I am highly promiscuous with men and women now. Men for their power, and women when I need to feel safe and loved. And I know I am messed up, and I really think the control Mike put on me, I hated, and loved, all at once. But now I seek powerful forceful intimidating men, and the sex that comes of that is highly lust filled and erotic, but I know this is not normal. It is not how I was raised, and is a slap in the face of my culture, and upbringing. And all this is kept secret from my family, and my nice proper boyfriend my mom and sister adore so much, who I know I cannot marry, because he is wimpy. I have thought of calling Oprah and even Dr. Phil for help, but I don't need everyone knowing. When I started college I started having sex with my female dominates. I think in my heart I want my life companion to be a tender loving woman, but I will always need the lusty power of a man to dominate me. I know this is not normal, but hard as I try, I cannot shake this. I am Aweem, firstname.lastname@example.org if anyone can help me begin to sort this out, I would love to hear from you. Thanks! :-)< Br />
by Aweemon 30 Jun 2005
Father's Day has come and gone again and with it comes the depression. My father, the wonderful, gentle man who is loved and respected by everyone who knows him, sexually abused me. I can't remember when it started, but it stopped when I was about 14. He took any opportunity to touch and probe and it hurt! When I think of my father the first thing I picture in my mind is his hands. His big hands over which I had no control. About 4 years ago I spent a month in deep depression. This had come up to slap me in the face over and over during my life, but I had always been able to push it back down. This time it just wouldn't go away and I was afraid. My sister, who's also my best friend, lived nearby and I was afraid to see her because I just knew I couldn't keep it in if I did. Well, she came down and I was right. I just couldn't keep the awful secret any longer. I was so afraid she would hate me for tearing apart our wonderful "Beaver Cleaver" family. But to my surprise I found out he had done it to her too. It was then that we began working together to heal ourselves. We wrote our dad a letter telling him what his behavior had done to us. His only comment was, ďYou know I never would've done anything that I knew would hurt you." He still hasn't taken responsibility for doing anything wrong. And our mother... she just wonders how we could've done this to our family. At least we have each other. I have tried to talk with my husband about this and a few friends, but they all say, "It's in the past, forgive him, put it behind you and get on with your life." I wish it were that easy. I am now 57 years old. My sister and I worked with the book, "Secret Survivors" by E. Sue Blume. So many things finally made sense, but that still doesn't make it magically go away. My sister moved back to Florida a year ago and I now have no one I can talk to openly about this. I feel my father's behavior set me up for my first marriage to a man who physically, mentally, and sexually abused me for over 5 years. It was only when he went after my son that I found the courage to leave and divorce him. I have been a staunch protector of children my whole life. I will do for them what I feel no one was there to do for me. But no one knew or was willing to see the signs that something was wrong. I will continue on my own to read and learn, work through exercises, journaling, whatever it takes. I will now take care of me. I'm the only one I know I can depend on. (Yes, trust is a REALLY big issue!) We are all connected and somehow we must educate others. It's time all of this came out of the closet! Peace to all!
by Jeanneon 29 Jun 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.