I was molested by my brother, who was eight years older than I am. He was mentally challenged, and I had blamed myself for years. I felt that I was the person who should have known right from wrong. Just a few weeks ago, I realized that when I was at the precious age of five he was thirteen, and knew more than I did. He knew that what he was doing was wrong. I could have told mom or dad but I was afraid of what everyone else in the family would think. It went on for about four to six years. I really canít remember. I remember praying for God to forgive us for I knew what we did was wrong, although he never did get his penis in, but made plenty attempts to. This part of my life had caused me to have sex at the early age of 12. Once I became sexually active it seem so disgusting to me to even picture sex with my brother. I have thought about telling other brothers and sisters but I donít want to bring up the past. Besides it wont change the past and I am nineteen years old now. My father died when I was seven and I believe he watched me, which made feel more guilt and that there was no way out. I just began to have nightmares and flashbacks last year. Now I seem to think about it every day. I wonder if he would do this to a little girl now that he's about 26 - 27 years old. Sometimes I wonder why wasnít my mother aware or was she and just stayed silent? I am kind of glad to be able and share my story for the first time ever in life, I want to tell those who believe itís their fault that if you can not even began to remember when it started how could it the be your fault? Let all remain strong.
Because of this secret, I suffer from many forms of anxiety and depression. I also have flashbacks while having sex with the one that I love. I find it easier to have sex with men who I really donít care anything about. Due to this, I have had almost twenty sexual partners, and also have caught herpes an sexual disease, because I did not care enough about myself to protect myself. I pray you donít take my route. Find a better one, a safer one. Talk to someone or simply do what I did and type your story. I hope I have help and saved someone as someoneís story has helped me.
by overwhelmed on 20 Jul 2005
Ok Iím not sure If Iím the only guy in here but here's my story.
When I was 13 I was dating a guy named Eric. He seemed really nice. Once I was lying on my bed with him and I wasn't doing anything. He started kissing me so I kissed him back. It was a normal thing. He kissed me one last time and got up to get something. When I got up, he pushed me down really hard and tied me to the bed. He pulled down my pants and wellÖ I really don't want to go into any more details, but all I know is that it really hurt. I was crying and screaming. The only thing that stopped him was that my dad and brother came into my room because they heard my screaming. Iím still haunted by Ii. Iím 15 now, and Iím dating someone who's amazing.
Well, thanks for reading. It feels so nice just to be able to talk to someone.
by James on 18 Jul 2005
I have little recollection of incest but know it happened. My first memory was when I was three. I was in bed and my father had his hand underneath the bed covers saying to me that it was okay to touch my genitals. My next recollection was telling my mother it had happened, and her 'shaking the living daylights out of me' as she put it, saying I was a dirty, dirty bitch and throwing me to the floor. I remembered this only 3 years ago.
My mother had been in hospital for a long while and my father was left looking after us. My elder brother remembers me being taken to my fatherís bedroom while I was screaming. I do not remember this. All I know is I have been screwed up all my life. hating sex and having an 18 years marriage, in which I was raped for best part of it. I have had some very interesting dreams all pointing to incest and awake screaming; I have never had anyone in my life that I could tell. I have never had any support whatsoever
I also know my elder brother of 6 years messed about with my twin brother and me, as he told me in later life, and an uncle who touched me. I get seasonal psychosomatic complaints ever year and the best part is spent in some sort of physical and/or emotional disruption.
I stop breathing in the night and wake up with something being pushed down my throat. Could anyone tell me if this could be the outcome of my fatherís sexual abuse to me and maybe I am reliving it? I seem to die, as there is SILENCE and then sit bolt upright heaving whatever is being pushed down my throat. I have told doctors and they look at me as if I am mad. No one can give me any answers.
I will say I have grown much spiritually through my trials and tribulations, and have at last got a decent relationship where I am not forced to do anything I do not want to. However the psychosomatic problems like chest pains, the tightness as I hold my tummy in continually, has never left me, and I am resigned to my nervous disposition. I just live with it. When I see a man looking after a little girl, it makes me cringe, even in the Soaps and I can not stand to see a man forcing a woman to kiss him. I get so upset, even though I hide it. No one has ever cared about what happened to me. They just donít want to know. Not even my new husband.
I even inquired about seeing a rape counselor back in England a few years ago, and at Christmas I rang for help as I felt suicidal and was told I would have to wait until January. I never went.
Now I have moved to another country hoping that there will be less triggers setting of my emotions and am glad to say life is a lot better. The summer blues this year havenít given me depression thank god, just physical stuff (heart and my blood pressure rising). I have at last resigned to taking a pill - half antidepressant - half tranquillizer, maybe I will stay on these for the rest of my life. I am tired of struggling, tired of having to cope as I am nearly sixty now. I want some rest. Thanks for listening.
by rosemaryon 17 Jul 2005
How do you survive? After eleven years it still in my head. He was my boss. He owned a restaurant, and I was a dishwasher. I had been happily married for nineteen years, till that night in October 3rd 1994. He used to offer me lifts home, and I always thought it way harmless. Then that night it was as if my whole world fell apart and it did. After he raped me, he wanted to carry on as if nothing has happened. His words were "no one will believe you your just a f.....g dishwasher." I left my hometown and my family because I just could not stand that man near me. No one knows, but I live it day and night. My self-esteem and respect went to nothing. Since then, I have gone on to better things and prospect, but when I go home to the north of England and pass his house panic attacks and flashbacks start. I still do not sleep very well. Time is not a great healer, and every day of my life I suffer because of a crime that needs to be address with severe punishments.
by becky65dayon 16 Jul 2005
My story starts two weeks before the raped happened. I was in California on vacation to visit my grandmother. While in California, I stayed with my Aunt, her boyfriend, my cousin, and his best friend. I was attracted to my cousin's best friend right away. We talked, cooked some meals together, we walked on the beach everything was too good to be true, and it was. One evening while my cousin was gone and my aunt and her boyfriend where asleep, my cousin's best friend,(whom I will call RJ from now on), came & woke me up. RJ asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him, so I got up & watched the movie. While we where watching the movie he started to kiss me on the lips, then the neck. After that he started to caress my chest. I did not feel comfortable with him doing this but thought it is not going to hurt anything, & then he started to take my pants off & rubbing against me. That's when I told him, "NO!! STOP!!" Then he said, "Only if we can finish this tomorrow, and you don't say no, stop, or anything like that." I agreed being scared & not knowing what to do. After that RJ went to bed & left me lying on the couch scared, & trying to go to sleep but I couldnít because I was scared. Finally tomorrow came with regret. At this point I wanted to cry, scream, & run but had nowhere to go, & I was scared that he could find me anyway. I've not told anybody at this point so nobody knows what has happened. My Aunt & her boyfriend left to go to work & my cousin left to go to the mall. I'm there all alone with RJ & he came to me & told me to go with him in a demanding voice. He took me to the bedroom and told me to take my clothes off. I was scared & crying at this point but still afraid he would kill me if I didnít. So I took them off and he threw me on the bed. It hurt so much that I screamed, so he choked me to keep me quiet. I wanted to stop him but I was afraid to I say anything for fear of more choking or death. After he was done, he told me he loved me & went to take a shower. I put on my clothes & climbed on top of the bunk bed and stayed there crying until my aunt came home from work. After she came home I run to the bathroom & washed my faced so she couldn't tell I had been crying. Two days after RJ had done this to me, he moved out & I still hadn't told anybody. I left California & came back to Missouri 2 days after that. When I got off the plane my uncle picked me up at the airport, & he could tell something was wrong. So when we finally got home I told him everything that had happened, after 4-5 days of not saying anything to anybody. I didn't want counseling but after a year of trying to do it myself, I finally went. It helped me so much. I still have my days where I want to cry but they go away as quickly as they come.
If you need help, don't do it by yourself, seek professional help. Trust me, I've been through it. Also tell someone as soon as possible. If you don't you will be carrying around so much guilt, shame, & regret with you. Now is the time to heal and you don't need that extra baggage. So lets start......
If you want to contact me it's ok, as long as you don't say I'm lying or anything negative that might hurt me.
by Ashley Smithon 15 Jul 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.