For eight years I have held to a fantasy, a delusion, a lie. It helps me survive. The thought that there is a magic rescuer, a man that will love me and understand what happened, and the wreck the rapes have made my life - he will understand the things I do to protect myself before I go to sleep. This will never become a reality. My husband raped me eight years ago. That resurrected a myriad of flashbacks from a rape that happened when I was 17. I was a runaway. My family disbelieved me, and sent me to a lock-up mental facility. The nurses there strapped me to a bed and shot thorazine in my hips. I am not crazy! I had been raped. My family still chooses to believe I am mentally ill. There has been no acknowledgment of my pain for the 17 years since the incidents. Now I am in my mid-thirties. When I was 22, I married a man that had threatened to rape me if I didn't marry him. For some reason I married him that very day, in Vegas, in my t-shirt and shorts. Over the course of four years, he attempted to force me to do things that were repugnant to me and that violated my dignity, conscience, and religion. I have been divorced for eight years, and cannot date again. Instead, I rely on the delusion mentioned on the outset. An imaginary thought of a man that would love and heal me. This sounds harmless enough, but it is sinister and destructive. I make huge decisions based on this delusion. When the delusion is unmasked and reality sets in that I am alone with this hole in my chest, I cannot function at all. Cry then numb, cry then numb, cry then numb... I have worked through so much of the traumas with trained therapists, but the delusion still remains. I have told my story to two friends. It took all these years to trust others to hear without berating. But I need something more. I want a close family member to understand. This is what I yearn for. I don't know how or what can make that need go away. So I placate it with a delusion, a delusion that is isolating me and not helping me at all. When the delusion breaks (as it did yesterday) I have only a few days of seeing reality. Then my brain starts overcoming obstacles to reason, and weaves to webs of fantasy out of thin air. Then I can function at an amazing level for many months. An event will shake me to reality, I have a breakdown that lasts for a day or two, but then I have to work, to have fun, to live my life...and I can't do it without the hope of an ultimate rescuer that deeply loves me.
by maggie on 1 Aug 2005
Why I'm telling my story now, I do not know. Somehow I feel if I tell it, I'll be free. But I know it takes more than that. It's a start, right? I had filed for divorce from an abusive husband and was going through a terrible custody battle. My best friend since 2nd grade wanted me to "get out" and be with some friends. I met up with a friend of hers at a restaurant, because she was working late. This so-called "friend of a friend" put something in my drink. I didn't know why I felt so dizzy, the room was spinning and I started seeing spots. I remember him handing me his cell phone and telling me to "go ahead, call for help… if you can!" He laughed and walked away. I woke up about 8 hours later. Naked, in his bed...terrified. I tried to pick my head off the pillow, but it felt thick. I was sick to my stomach. I fell out of the bed, and crawled down some stairs. I think I was in the living room. I found my clothes near the door. I got into the hall, and was really scared, I didn't know where the heck I was. Somehow I managed to find my way out of the building. I don't know how I made it home. It was an hour to my house. I drove...but don't remember. I threw up all over the bathroom. I couldn't get clean in the shower. A friend found me in bed...said I was talking weird, looked really horrible. I went to the Dr's the next day to have tests done. I told the Dr. I had been raped, but didn't want to press charges because it would make me look like a really bad mom who made a really bad choice. But, it wasn't a choice! He is a jerk. He ruined my life...I want it back. This is my start...I hope.
by blue jayon 1 Aug 2005
My dad touched me all the time. By the time I was 8, he had penetrated me with his fingers and taught me how to give him oral sex.
On my 8th birthday he had sex with me. He told me it was my birthday present. After that, we had sex almost every day. When I was 12, he let his friends have sex with me. I don't remember many nights when someone wasn't having sex with me.
by Kaja on 30 Jul 2005
I was assaulted only a couple months ago by someone I knew. Someone I trusted. I never thought in a million years I would be assaulted. I still can't believe sometimes that it happened. Just goes to show me that I'm too trusting and not invincible. I was raped, beaten beyond recognition, and choked that night. I remember his hands around my throat and choking on my own blood. I remember fighting him, giving in to him, and all the thoughts I had that night of dying. I remember all the fear and terror I felt and how powerless and weak I was. Those thoughts haunt me every night before I go to bed. I constantly try to change the things I did that night to change the way the story ends but he always wins. He always catches me. I now have visible scars and hidden scars. But I'm choosing to try my hardest to move on with my life. I want to be stronger and smarter because of what happened. I feel like if I choose to let what happened affect my life and me than he'll keep winning, and still hold all that power over me. He can't have that power. I won't give it to him. I'm just so thankful that I'm still alive.
"For thou art my lamp, O Lord: and the Lord will lighten my darkness."
II Samuel 22:29
by Sarahon 29 Jul 2005
I didn't think I would write, but something tells me I should. Everything is kind of blurry because I try to tell myself it didn't happen. I don't know what to feel, but depressed and ashamed. I blame myself because I feel like I asked for it. When I was 10 years old my older cousin came over for my birthday, he was 14. It was 3 hours before my b-day and everyone was setting up while I was in my mom’s room. He came in with my favorite chips and said that if he gave me some chips then I'd have to do what he said. Being 10, I felt something was wrong, but I trusted my cousin so I agreed. He started to molest me. At that time I knew what molestation was and I knew I had to escape. So I start saying no when he tried to insert himself. I thought I was going to get raped but right then I heard my mom’s voice calling me. He immediately stopped and stared at me like he was angry, and left. I was so ashamed I didn't tell anybody, even though my mom was raped and molested herself. I was so ashamed and confused. Did I tempt him? Why me?
What would happen if I told? I have so many questions even though now I'm 14. I have flashbacks and for three years I had to see my cousin at family occasions. I always feel scared of who will hurt me next.
I'm getting better now that he's 18, and when I see him he avoids me. I have a boyfriend who is slowly helping me through all this, who cares about me and is a pure Christian who wants to wait till marriage. I still haven't told anyone except my best friend who was raped and molested by her brother. Slowly I'm becoming less confused.
Thanks for listening
by Confusedon 29 Jul 2005
Prev | 1 | | 2 | | 3 | | 4 | | 5 | | 6 | | 7 | | 8 | | 9 | | 10 | | 11 | | 12 | | 13 | | 14 | | 15 | | 16 | | 17 | | 18 | | 19 | | 20 | | 21 | | 22 | | 23 | | 24 | | 25 | | 26 | | 27 | | 28 | | 29 | | 30 | | 31 | | 32 | | 33 | | 34 | | 35 | | 36 | | 37 | | 38 | | 39 | | 40 | | 41 | | 42 | | 43 | | 44 | | 45 | | 46 | | 47 | | 48 | | 49 | | 50 | | 51 | | 52 | | 53 | | 54 | | 55 | | 56 | | 57 | | 58 | | 59 | | 60 | | 61 | | 62 | | 63 | | 64 | | 65 | | 66 | | 67 | | 68 | | 69 | | 70 | | 71 | | 72 | | 73 | | 74 | | 75 | | 76 | | 77 | | 78 | | 79 | | 80 | | 81 | | 82 | | 83 | | 84 | | 85 | | 86 | | 87 | | 88 | | 89 | | 90 | | 91 | | 92 | | 93 | | 94 | | 95 | | 96 | | 97 | | 98 | | 99 | | 100 | | 101 | | 102 | | 103 | | 104 | | 105 | | 106 | | 107 | | 108 | | 109 | | 110 | | 111 | | 112 | | 113 | | 114 | | 115 | | 116 | | 117 | | 118 | | 119 | | 120 | | 121 | | 122 | | 123 | | 124 | | 125 | | 126 | | 127 | | 128 | | 129 | | 130 | | 131 | | 132 | | 133 | | 134 | | 135 | | 136 | | 137 | | 138 | | 139 | | 140 | | 141 | | 142 | | 143 | | 144 | | 145 | | 146 | | 147 | | 148 | | 149 | | 150 | | 151 | | 152 | Next
This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.