I have been running from dealing with my experience for a long time. Up until now, I haven't had the courage to face it. The abuse started when I was 10 and ended when I was 14. A man that I trusted had touched me and made me touch him in various ways. I remember him telling me that it was normal. Some nights he would get me to lay in bed with him and I would wake up feeling his hands down there. He would make me perform sexual acts on him, and if I refused he would tell me to stop being a baby. I never told anyone because I felt ashamed and dirty.
Currently, I am 24 and I have never been with anyone. I have low self-esteem, and I am trying to find a counselor for my depression. I finally told a good friend a little about what happened to me, and he has helped a lot. He is the only man I have been able to trust enough to let my guard down and tell the truth to. The only reason why I was able to trust him in the first place is because he is happily married, and I can see that he treats his wife very well. He is also my boss, and I was able to watch him deal with people on a daily basis and see how much of a good man he is.
I want to move forward with my life, but it doesn't seem possible. At times, I am filled with hope for my future. And other times, like now, I don't see any way out. I feel like a caged animal. I can look out in between the bars and see the kind of life that I want, but my experience has made me put up so many barriers that I can't be free.
by Trying To Cope on 14 Sep 2005
I was 14. He was a 25-year-old police officer. We had met online. We only emailed then one New Yearís Eve. I felt so depressed, disgusting and helpless. I called him. He picked me up at a "friend's" house. He took me to his apartment. It was red; there were red lights all over the house. He offered me a beer; I said no, I thought beer was gross. For god's sake, I was 14. I was a child. We sat on the floor. He started kissing me. I felt numb. I pulled away and realized that I had nowhere to go. I didn't even know what part of town I was in. I let him do whatever he wanted, and it took so long - hours. I bled, I blacked out, and I felt like I was watching myself from above myself. He drove me back after many hours. I remember bleeding on the toilet. I finally told a therapist, and she had to report it. The story was all over the news. I felt like the only person in the whole world. I lied about what happened when I talked to the police because I didn't want to go to court. He got a plea bargain after he was arrested. He served 2 years. I am so sorry to everyone else on here. I hope you are all making it through.
by kirsten on 11 Sep 2005
God, I know it's horrible. With my stepfather it was always 'just one more time then never again' but that one time was never enough.
I really feel for everybody out there that went through what I did, and I cant express how horrible I feel abut it. It's a truly selfish person that takes what isnít his and betrays an innocent childís trust.
For me it happened when I was 7 years old. My mother found out what he did to me and they pressed charges against him.
But to this day he lives with us and it's horrible. He expects me to be 'over it' by now (Iím 14) but it isnít something that you can just forget about. Right now Iím seeing a counselor about my 'issues' and my mother hates me for taking what was hers.
I mean God mother, whereís the love for the child who was raped by the man you love? Do I even matter?
He lives in the same house as me... does it not occur to you that it may happen again? You probably will just leave me to deal with it by myself like last time.
To those reading this I really Just want to thank you... and say that I appreciate what youíve done just by listening.
Thatís all I really need in life is for someone just to care without judging.
People just donít seem to get how much abuse ruins a personís life. And if that person still lives with you your life is hell.
by Jamie Mishelon 10 Sep 2005
I am 38 yrs old (my sister is a 1 yr younger) and have never talked about this with anybody. My mother was an alcoholic and ran away from my father, with us, and my father didn't know where we (my little siter and I) were at until mother abandoned me at the age of 7. During that time with her, I was raped at the age of 4 by her boyfriend/friend, he tried to get my sister first (she was 3 yrs old), but I let him take me. Than I was molested by several of her different boyfriends, (and I would always go first; I didn't want them to hurt my little sister) until she didn't want us anymore. She than left us with another lady, whose husband used me for a play thing, and little did I know, was also using my sister, until my little sister (who was 6), got an infection in her eye, from herpes. It turned out that the husband had contacted herpes, and passed it on to my sister, so social services came and took over. My dad was contacted, but at that time he was a single man, and back in those days, there weren't many single fathers. He got us and moved back home, and had my grandparents, uncles and aunties helping out. My uncle Floyd, who I loved very much, started abusing me, but by this time, I learned how to make sure the abuse never went further than me. You talk about survival mode, I learned that real well. Everybody thought that my uncle was the best thing in the world, and poor pitiful me, who didn't have a mother that wanted her (as my grandmother and aunties whispered), so my uncle was encouraged to always take us around. The abuse continued until I was 11 yrs old, and my dad married another lady and we moved away. But unfortunately my new step-mom thought we were a burden.
I felt like I was worthless, me at 11 yrs old, thought I had nothing too look forward to in my life, ran away when I was 12 yrs old, lived on the streets until I was 15, when I was on the streets, I prostituted, panhandled, lived in abandoned buildings, under bridges, learned how to hustles everything. When I was 15, I started to live with a friend and her boyfriend, her boyfriend became my pimp and she taught me how to be a stripper. I actually felt like these 2 people loved me, they made sure I ate, showered, wore beautiful clothes and I actually felt good about myself. But little did I know, it was all for me making money for them. My life of joy soon turned into hell, after I discovered coke. I loved it too much. At the age of 17 I finally decided I needed to turn myself around, so in order for me to get away from them, I went to a place called Job Corps, and while in there, I learned what discipline and commitment was. I met a guy there, we both graduated (I graduated with my HS diploma and a certificate in welding), and I soon married him. We had 4 kids together, but the whole time we were together, he was an abusive alcoholic. I suffered under him for 8 yrs before I had the courage to leave and that day was marked by him raping me, because I was tired and refused to give him sex. I left that afternoon and moved to another town, another state. Needless to say, itís been a strong battle to keep myself together; to this day I suffer from depression, amongst various elements. I don't trust people easily and I haven't had a man in my life, because I need to get my head screwed on. My girls are healthy, vibrant women; again with them I protected them as best as I could, and now we live in the same city as my little sister. She fights with her demons, just like I fight with mine, but we are sticking together....~M~
by Monica4j on 7 Sep 2005
Hi. My name is Kristen and I am a survivor. When I was 12 my cousin, who shall remain nameless, molested me one time. I know it wasn't my fault, but sometimes when I'm with my husband I feel dirty. I was also sexually assaulted when I was 24. I am not whining, but it makes me so mad that those people did that to me.
by Kristenon 6 Sep 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.