Hi. I have searching for a place to share my story & this is the best place so far.
I have been on here a lot of times, but I never had the guts to share what happened to me, not even to my family.
I have a cousin who is about 5 years older than me. I'll say is name is Michael (which is really not his name). When I was about 7 or 8, he was 12/13. It was summer. We went swimming together a lot, but 1 day it was weird.
He said "You wanna see something?Ē. I was so stupid & fell for anything so I said yes. He said he would show it to me later .I had to sit in his lap. He made me. He said this is the way to do it. He touched my "chest" I was still flat, but I knew what it was. Then he reached up at the top of my swimsuit. He said "May I?Ē So I let him. He didnít say anything. He just looked down. I didnít know what to do. Later that night he wanted to go swimming w/me again. So I went ahead & got my swimsuit on & so did he. He asked me to come back to his room. He said "ok, I'm gonna show you that "something" now.Ē He took off his pants & I saw it. He made me touch it. He said it was a penis.
And my "private" parts were called a "vagina". I was totally clueless at the time. Then he said he wanted to touch mine. I told him no, but he went ahead & forced me down to take my suit off. Then he touched me "down thereĒ. After that he said to put the bottom of my swimsuit back on, but leave the top of my swim suit off. He touched my "chest" again & said I should like it. Then he said "Lets go swimming" Like nothing even happened. I never have told my family/c I know its not that bad. He didnít actually "rape" me, he just mostly touched me & made me touch him. But it would be nice to let it out to someone so thatís why I chose this place. Thank you for letting me share my story. You can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have advice. I would really appreciate it.
by Leiaon 25 Sep 2005
I was 14 years old when my friendís father lured me into his van, pinned me and sexually assaulted me. It wasn't rape but it was very traumatic. Iím not writing this because I'm strong or brave, I'm simply writing to get it out of my head.
Because of the assault I have anxiety attacks, trust issues with men, I don't like physical affection, I still have nightmares sometimes and occasional flashbacks.
by R on 24 Sep 2005
I'm currently 22 years old, my stepfather died in 2001, and half of me is glad the monster of my childhood is gone. From the ages of 3 1/2 to 12 my step dad fondled sodominized and me me. I was also to perform oral on him. He liked to touch me when I was trying to sleep at night and when my mom wasn't home from work yet, I think that could be why now I have trouble sleeping at night without being scared of the darkness but scared of someone coming in unannounced who didn't belong there. After that he wanted my virginity and when I told him "NO" and told him I was going to go to the teachers or some authority at school he began beating me. Taking out his frustrations out on me through violence since I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. I used to hide the bruises under my clothes and hide the ones on my legs during Gym class claiming I "forgot" my gym suit. At one point I had social services come in the house because of my dad's verbal abuse when he got drunk and to wake up my mom who is also an alcoholic and it just didn't wake her up. It made them angry at me and I was told to be glad I wasn't going to be sent to an orphanage. At that point of age 16, I think I wished for it to be sent to an orphanage so I wouldn't have to be beaten anymore. I didn't tell anybody of the beatings because I was scared he was really going to kill me like he threatened. He already broke my mom's nose when I was a wee little girl, what's to say he wasn't going to kill me too. In 2001, he told me he was ashamed to call me his daughter, I remember sitting up all night crying falling in a depression so far because I spent so much time trying to make him proud, and I was never enough. I turned to poetry to get my anger, frustrations, and tears out. Because under his cardinal Nazi rule nobody could cry - it equaled weakness. Tears equal strength, and I couldn't cry it.
He was diagnosed in 2001, with lung cancer of the lymphnodes and it was terminal. After he spent so much time breaking me apart where I was so fragile inside I was about to commit my own form of emotional suicide barely feeling anything, let alone feeling for anyone, he wanted me to cry for him. I couldn't, he was already dead in my eyes, my innocence gone, and my heart torn apart. I felt broken. Yet when he was in the hospice bed in the middle of the living room, I told him it was okay "to go" because I wanted to be the one with the upper hand and show him that I was still me under the dirt and grime of his hatred of me, I still had a big heart. I showed compassion where I thought none was left inside. And he died. My monster gone and I watched him go. Half of me is torn, I loved him when he was sober and he showed me the ocean. And half of me hates him for the monster he was to me when he hurt me. I guess I'll always be this way. I can't escape it. Just don't know what to do about it. How to move on from it.
I've started to move on though, I've got a bigger heart and I've uncovered the child within who still likes to play. I've uncovered the true me and pieced her back together with super-glue. I just wanted to share my story with everyone and let you know that you are not alone. *gives big hug to everyone*
by Aikoon 21 Sep 2005
I was sexually abused by my dad from my first toddler memories to the age of 16.
I'm sick and tired and being sick and tired. I know that healing is a process not a goal. But the damage that was done to me affects every aspect of everything I do. My eating is disordered. I cry all the time. I have a hard time taking care of myself. My relationships have been controlling and bad. I'm depressed. I just want this to stop.
by Lynn on 19 Sep 2005
I have been putting off writing my story, well here it is. I found this site a couple of months ago desperately looking for others with similar experiences. There is something healing about hearing others and being able to share about myself. What brought me here is 5 months ago I was raped by someone I knew. I am 27 years old and have never had sex with a man before because I prefer dating women. Also, as a kid and adolescence I was molested and possibly r*ped by a family member. Therefore, I felt that the only way I had control (back when I dated guys 12 years ago) was not to let my boyfriends touch me. I also grew up in a home that was violent emotionally and physically. I don't remember a lot from my childhood and I wish I did so I can heal more so. But right now I am dealing with not being able to have any emotions about this rape. I know that I have feelings because they are coming out in other forms. I did go to the cops and they were going to press charges but then they decided that it wasn't going to court because of lack of evidence. I feel as though this is good that because every time I talked with the DA I felt like it was my fault and more shame would be added. Now I am starting to feel as though I could get angry that he is getting away with this. Maybe next time I can write more descriptive as far as these issues go but being vague is a start.
by Trishon 15 Sep 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.