When I was 12 my neighbor across the street started touching me. I didn't know what to do so I didn't do anything. This went on for about 2 years, whenever I was around him pretty much. Guys were always trying to have sex with me from the time I was 14 to present day. I was forced into doing stuff with a 16 year old when I was barely 14. He was drunk and touched me and made me touch him. He also unfortunately was the first boy I ever kissed. The year after that it seemed like every guy I was ever around was trying to take advantage of me. It got to be too much for me to handle. I would flirt and all but some guys just took things too far. Just a few months ago I broke up with a loser who lied to me about everything. His age, his name, what he does for a living everything. He's almost 23 now and I'm only 16. I lost it to him, I was so scared when he put it in, and I felt so dirty. Also this guy kept pressuring me to have sex with him and I didn't want to and then he just put it in me. I'm also having trouble because the guy I love told me he had a girlfriend while we were having sex. That made me suicidal for a while. I guess I am screwed up from stuff. Also over the summer I got really drunk and blacked out and this guy had sex with me while I was passed out and he's 24. Last night I woke up with my brother's friend on top of me and that was weird. I had all of my clothes on and everything but still, it was scary.
by Sueon 16 Oct 2005
I’m 34 years old now but I was raped when I was 22.
Just moved into my new apt (independent woman) and had a new boyfriend. Then one night, Shawn and I argued over me going out...he wanted me to stay home. I left the house with my "girls" and we went to this club. A lot of people hung out there...especially Saints players and wanna-bes.
I met and started conversing with this guy. Later we went to his hotel room (the club was in the lobby of a hotel), to TALK. Before I left the club, I specifically told him that I was NOT having sex...he said..."ok, I just wanna talk". We got to room 101 and entered the room. I walked in first and he closed and locked the door behind me. I turned on the tv and sat on the EDGE of the bed. He went to the bathroom and returned naked. I got up from the bed and started walking toward the door, he grabbed me and through me on the bed. I was so scared and I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He said, “just relax and I promise I wont hurt you!” I couldn’t do anything! I tried fighting but he kept slamming me back on the bed. My throat was so dry and I couldn’t speak. He whispered in my ear...how sexy I was, how much I was turning him on, how good I smelled etc. He forced himself on me and I was so frozen with fear, that I did absolutely nothing when he performed oral sex on me. Then he raped me and when he was done he asked, “How was I?” I couldn’t believe that I'd just been through that and kept wondering what I did WRONG! I had no idea how I was gonna fix it. I was afraid that nobody would believe me if I told. Mike Tyson's case was fairly recent and hardly anybody believed her, not even me in the beginning! I got dressed and went back downstairs to the club and NEVER said a word. My life has not been the same since. I am engaged and have not told my fiancée yet. How do I do that without changing his feelings for me?
by Angelsmamaon 15 Oct 2005
I am 57 years old. I am just now trying to find/claim my voice from a rape that happened in my early 20s. This site is a gift. Dancing in the Darkness is exactly what my life has felt like. At the time of this event I was a vulnerable, misdirected child. There was virtually no understanding let alone support for rape victims. My involvement with a man in my early 20s resulted in being drugged and raped by 3 or 4 men and in this man breaking into my apt. one night and raping me. I was finally able to remember this 10 years ago but have never really owned it and its resulting consequences. I have never owned the fact of what this has done to my soul, how my family turned their backs, how I hide, the certain level of deadness I have acclimated to in life. I am learning that if we don't own our experiences they will own us. This is an event that even though happened decades ago has lived because I have not honored the experience. I have tried to forget it and go on with my life. I need to realize and understand what happens when there is rape, how it affects the soul, what is lost, what can be redeemed. Coming to terms with this means letting go of a false sense of strength and not pretending any more that people and situations are different than what I want to believe they are. How to overcome the feeling of being damaged goods. How to speak and find my voice. How to find my anger and get strength.
by kaytaon 15 Oct 2005
When I was a freshman in college I met this guy named *john. He was very controlling and verbally abusive...and we weren't even dating. He would get jealous if I talked to other guys in his fraternity and what not. One night in the summer my friend and I drove back down to school and stayed with him. We got really drunk that night and when we got home I passed out on the couch. A few minutes later he comes and carries me into his room and starts messing around with me. Being so drunk I was reciprocating this behavior even though in my right mind I wouldn't touch him. Then I remember him trying to have sex with me, but I told him no and that it wouldn't work. I passed out...the next morning I woke up sore around my vaginal area and when I looked down I had bruises on my inner thighs. It became apparent to me that he had sex with me after I had passed out. He then also told me that we had sex later in a phone conversation. When I told him that I didn't remember having sex he recanted and said well maybe we didn't...so now I'm not really sure if we did or not. Either way he did take advantage of me while I was drunk and real friends don't do that. Watch out girls, even the nicest guy can turn out to be a jerk.
by jane doe on 15 Oct 2005
Hi my name is Kathleen. I have been reading a lot of stories and I can sure relate to them in a big way. I too am a survivor of incest and sexual abuse. I am now 46 years old. I am very lucky to be alive. I won't go into a lot of the details of the abuse, because it is still too hard to deal with it. I was raped by my oldest brother for 3 years and molested by my father until I was 10 years old. My brother started literally raping me when I was 7 years old. He was a lot older then me and he not only vaginally raped me but he also tried to rectally rape me as well when I turned 10 years old. I fought him off and he got so angry that he hit me very hard across my face. I told him that he was done and that I was going to tell mom! I did tell her and all she said was, "Oh, just stay away from your brother and stop leading him on and he won't do that to you". I was so angry that I went right to my brother and I told him that if he ever touched me again that I would wait until he went to sleep and I would kill him. Several years ago I tried to talk to him about what he had done to me and he played stupid and denied all of it. He went to my mother and told her what I had said to him and she jumped all in my case about it. I will never have another thing to do with that walking freak of nature. When I was 11 years old, my father told me that he was going to make me start having sexual intercourse with him. I immediately went to my mother and took her into my bedroom and I told her what he was planning on doing to me. She told me to stay in the bedroom and she would go and talk with my father. As usual he lied his tail off. She came back into my bedroom and she was irate with me big time. She told me that my father was only playing with me and that she did not ever want to hear that again. She said, "Now do I make myself clear?" I looked at her and I told her to her face that I hated her and that her life held no more meaning to me. When I came out of the bedroom my father smiled at me. When he smiled at me I lost all control and I grabbed a claw hammer and started hitting him anywhere that I could. I nearly killed him. I ended up getting sent off to a juvenile lockdown facility for 7 years for attempted murder. I did not return to the family home when I got out of there, but at least I was not being raped there. Until I was 21 my life was a disaster big time. I had gotten a pass from that place when I was 16 and went to visit my Aunt, well while on this leave I got raped by a man that attacked me. He dragged me into an abandoned building and raped me viciously. They never caught him. I got over that and eventually joined the military. At the age of 21, I got raped by an Australian man. That put me in the worst depression of my life. I thought man what is wrong with me? Why do men hate me and want to hurt me like this? I decided after that, that I had to take unarmed self-defense courses and I did. Several months after the Aussie man raped me a man in the military broke into my barracks room and tried to rape me. This time I did not just let him rape and hurt me, no sir, this time I fought back with a vengeance. I gouged his eyes and busted his nose big time and I destroyed him as a man. He will never have any children. I got him sent to a Federal Prison for 7 years in Kansas. Am I sorry for what I did to that man? NO I am not. I am 46 years old and have raised 2 wonderful children and I have a good husband. I am glad that I could finally tell my story. If anyone wants to contact me they can. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
by Kathleen Winseron 13 Oct 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.