I have never written this out before. I am thirty-five but right now I feel like a scared teenager. I was fifteen, and a virgin. He was my boyfriend. He wanted to have sex; he tried to convince me to have sex with him-- he even wrote in a Christmas card "remember I always get what I want because I'm the boss." Nice. Why I didn't break up with him then is another story--- the story of how my mother and father explicitly trained me "not to hurt men's egos and give them what they want." I held out strong, though, because I was determined to wait until I was at least sixteen, and lose my virginity in a very romantic way with the man I wanted to marry.
Then one night we were at a party and were playing a drinking game. I gradually began to feel out of it and then realized that I was being made to lose each round on purpose. I drank my drink and spit it out--wait that's not beer. Just drink it Laurie--he and his friends said. I started to get up from the table, and his friends surrounded me--"you need to lay down and rest." And they carried me into the bedroom--against my protests "but I don't want to leave the party." I wasn't afraid of rape--that never occurred to me--I just didn't want to leave the party, and my friends. They laid me down on the bed, and I tried to get up. One of them pushed me back down. I lay there and was very dizzy....the next parts of what happened are a blur to me, because I passed out off and on. I heard loud knocking and yelling "leave her alone -- get out of there!" Some friends of mine successfully broke up what I later learned was to have been a spectator sport. They planned to watch their fellow tennis team member have sex with his stubborn girlfriend. His friends left (before or after my clothes came off I don't know). I passed out, and didn't wake up again until I felt a pain... and movement. But what was that? It took me several minutes to understand, in a hazy way, that this was sex. He is having sex with me, I registered. Then he leaned over and whispered, "I love you." He finished. He got up and left me in the room by myself to "come to" eventually, and find my clothes. I was so embarrassed to leave the room-- would everyone know what I had done? What had I done? I went to the bathroom and looked at my fifteen year old face in the mirror. I was no longer a virgin, and I thought everyone would be able to tell by just looking at me.
The next day he broke up with me to start dating my best friend. I didn't call it rape at first, but I was upset at losing my virginity in that way, and my best friend's betrayal, and having sex "without wanting to."
A few months later when I truly registered how devastated I was (reading about the three-month time lag for date rape survivors has been extremely helpful in overcoming the deep shame of my own initial reaction-more later on that) I went to see a school counselor at another school. I told her exactly what happened, and she was horrified. "But you were raped" she said.
My shame has lasted for so long. I tried to tell a few people in high school, but they didn't believe me. I was so ashamed, and convinced that I wasn't really raped, because I didn't really fight back. And the moments when I did believe I was raped, I felt shame at being someone who was raped --tainted. But now, let's get this straight: I didn't want to have sex with him. I was raped. It very seriously affected the next ten years of my life. I began to be somewhat promiscuous (well, saying no certainly didn't work). I don't want to have been raped, but I was. The most shameful thing I have had to overcome, and I have never told a soul, was my reply when he said "I love you." I remember trying to say back "I love you too." That was part of my training. But how can you tell your rapist you love him? That must mean it wasn't rape, or I really wanted it, etc.
Now, twenty years later, I know better. I have mostly let go of the shame, and I can say the word "rape" without having a panic attack. It comes back every now and then, and this is one of those times, which is why I am writing my story. I am dealing with it now in a healthier way, when it does come up.
The best ending--I found out recently that the man who raped me died when he was in his mid-twenties, in an accident. I am so thankful I never have to see him or run into him, ever.
by Laurieon 20 Oct 2005
I am so grateful for the stories on this website; they make it seem more real.
The first time I was abused I was 6 and a family friend was in town I was home with him while my parents were at work. He came in to my bedroom while I was playing and started to tickle me. Then he pulled off my skirt and touched me. I screamed and I think that bothered him so he stopped. I don't remember the majority of my childhood and I'm trying to overcome that obstacle. It's very difficult to understand why I can't remember anything.
by Adrienne on 19 Oct 2005
I was sexually assaulted last year by my boyfriend at the time. He kept pressuring me for sex and I kept saying no, that I wanted to wait for marriage.
One afternoon I was sick and decided to stay in bed, and he came over to keep me company. The next thing I knew, his hands were down my pajama pants. I tried to stop him, I told him no, but he didn't listen. He held my hands up over my head with one hand. He laughed and asked me how it felt to lose my virginity.. I struggled for awhile, but when he got on top of me and said he was going to rape me "properly", I stopped trying to fight him and let him do what he wanted.
When he finished, he forced me to perform oral sex on him. .I thought I was going to throw up.
I broke up with him shortly after this happened, and he stalked me for almost a year afterwards. The police couldn't do anything because they never caught him in the act. I never told anyone what happened, I was too ashamed.
He wrote about it in his online journal, only he made it sound like it was consensual. My mom saw it and asked me about it, I told her it never happened. I just felt so dirty, I couldn't tell her. He finally moved out of the area and left me alone, but the damage was done.
I've only told one person, my current boyfriend. He's been so good, he holds me when I need to cry about it and tells me that I'm safe. I don't think I'll ever feel completely safe, but with his help, I'm starting to heal. What my ex did to me still haunts me, but I refuse to let it consume me. He may have overpowered my body, but he will never overpower my spirit.
by Alexandra on 18 Oct 2005
Hi,this is probably the best website that I have found for people who have been through this.
I was 8 years old (13 now) when my brother started to sexually abused me. He would make me perform sexual acts on him while my parents were out. It took my a while to tell someone. (4 years) I have never got over what has happened, and my brother still lives in the same house as me. I have (am) gone into deep depression and started to self harm. But I will never let my brother win. I will SURVIVE
by ???? on 18 Oct 2005
My first expeirience was when I was 10 years old.
My mom's boyfriend was having a party.
About 10 or 11 he came in my room. Got in my bed and put his hand on my genitals.
The next day I tried to tell my mom but she wouldn't listen to me.
That night when I was sitting on the couch, he had came in and sat down. And started singing and grabbing and wouldn't stop.
Stuff like that had went on for about 4and a half years. But now I'm 13 and I'm living happily with my daddy.
by Debbie Lynne Wylieon 17 Oct 2005
Prev | 1 | | 2 | | 3 | | 4 | | 5 | | 6 | | 7 | | 8 | | 9 | | 10 | | 11 | | 12 | | 13 | | 14 | | 15 | | 16 | | 17 | | 18 | | 19 | | 20 | | 21 | | 22 | | 23 | | 24 | | 25 | | 26 | | 27 | | 28 | | 29 | | 30 | | 31 | | 32 | | 33 | | 34 | | 35 | | 36 | | 37 | | 38 | | 39 | | 40 | | 41 | | 42 | | 43 | | 44 | | 45 | | 46 | | 47 | | 48 | | 49 | | 50 | | 51 | | 52 | | 53 | | 54 | | 55 | | 56 | | 57 | | 58 | | 59 | | 60 | | 61 | | 62 | | 63 | | 64 | | 65 | | 66 | | 67 | | 68 | | 69 | | 70 | | 71 | | 72 | | 73 | | 74 | | 75 | | 76 | | 77 | | 78 | | 79 | | 80 | | 81 | | 82 | | 83 | | 84 | | 85 | | 86 | | 87 | | 88 | | 89 | | 90 | | 91 | | 92 | | 93 | | 94 | | 95 | | 96 | | 97 | | 98 | | 99 | | 100 | | 101 | | 102 | | 103 | | 104 | | 105 | | 106 | | 107 | | 108 | | 109 | | 110 | | 111 | | 112 | | 113 | | 114 | | 115 | | 116 | | 117 | | 118 | | 119 | | 120 | | 121 | | 122 | | 123 | | 124 | | 125 | | 126 | | 127 | | 128 | | 129 | | 130 | | 131 | | 132 | | 133 | | 134 | | 135 | | 136 | | 137 | | 138 | | 139 | | 140 | | 141 | | 142 | | 143 | | 144 | | 145 | | 146 | | 147 | | 148 | | 149 | | 150 | | 151 | | 152 | Next
This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.