My story is long and drawn out like some of the others. What I account here really is just the tip of the iceberg. The first time I remember anything I was 12 years old. I told my mother about something that had happened to me and she was amazed. She told me, 'I can't believe you remember that, you were 16 months old.' Amazing what the brain can do. Yes, the first time I was sexually abused I was 16 months old and it was by a babysitter.
For the rest of my life until I turned 28, I endured sexual molestation by my step-father. It did its damage, damage that I know have to repair. My step-father started me out with pornography, books and movies. He made me look at them. Then the touching, the caressing, the making me feel bad because I didn't want to be near him - constantly telling me that he would be the best boyfriend that I had. He would kiss me good night before he went to work. Usually I was asleep and would wake up with him pulling his hands back from my breasts and other parts. It got to where I would wake up when he entered the room. Too many details about what went on to go into here. Needless to say here I sit at night, worried that 'the Shadow man' will come and haunt me again. I have been diagnosed as being Bipolar 2, having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Psychotic Depression, and Dissociate Identity Disorder. My parents are now divorced with my coming clean finally after all these years. I am 32. After two years of not talking to my tormentor and after him getting some help, we are in contact again. I got an apology. It is better than nothing I guess. At least I know that I didn't do anything wrong and I know he knows and is sorry for everything that was done to me.
by Loki on 14 Oct 2003
My sexual abuse started as far back as I can remember. I didn't remember any of it actively until I started having flashbacks at age 30. I thought I was crazy. My abuser was my father. After many years of private therapy, group therapy and reading as many books as possible, I feel like I know how to deal with my wounds. What frustrates me is that I get to feeling pretty good, thinking I am all done with PTSD, and then something comes back. And I recognize what is happening and I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse. Sometimes, recognizing that a memory wants to surface makes me want to push it away all the harder. It takes so much energy out of me, and so much patience, while I watch myself suffer through it, as if a bystander. My abuse lasted many, many years. I often wonder if I will spend the rest of my life dealing with it... probably. I feel like a freak sometimes. Sometimes I feel so blessed, though, to have been able to come so far and gain so much in life. I do have good friends and wonderful children, and I have had many beautiful life experiences. I try to focus on these things when I feel as badly as I feel now...recognizing another memory surfacing. I hate it. It makes me sick and cranky, and so very sad. I hope this abuse chat line will help me get through my latest trauma relived.
by Trewlee on 12 Oct 2003
When I was 10 my neighbor sexually assaulted me. He didn't rape me but he fondled me and forcibly kissed me, he even tried to make me touch his private parts. I didn't know what to do so I just ran out of his garage to my aunt's house (thank god I left in time because who knows what would have happened). For 8 years I have been dealing with what happened, and to this day I have a negative view of men. After I started seeing a counselor, I have finally revealed what had happened. I have always wanted to tell my mom what happened but I don’t think she'll take it seriously. My mom and sister were raped and they wouldn’t consider what happened to me as serious as what happened to them.
by Togabearcat on 10 Oct 2003
I do not remember being raped. I was probably only old enough to crawl when it began. It continued until I reached adolescence, but then my mother had me hypnotized to forget. Just last summer I started having flashbacks when I was having sex with my boyfriend, I started to remember. I remembered being tied up with my sister and cousin to be raped in the basement. I remember my father making me perfor oral sex on him as I watched cartoons. I remember him raping my mother and my mother going to court to try to get justice, but my father was a public figure, well known in a small town. The only justice I got was when I was 13; he died of a stomach aneurysm. I didn't know at the time about my rape, so at 15 I became severely depressed and tried to kill myself. Last year, when it was all coming back to me, I only wanted to die, to lock myself in a dark room with no windows and cry for the rest of my god-forsaken life. My family to this day lies to me about what happened and my therapists don't believe me. They call me delusional. I have never been able to love myself and I go from failed relationship to failed relationship, looking for someone to love me. It is a struggle waking up each day. I seem to attract molestation, even at a young age, because I have often been the victim of someone taking advantage of me. Instead of healing properly, I had big gashing wounds that therapists merely tossed out of my mind, making everything seem like it was just a bad dream. Well, I had many bad dreams, such as waking up in the middle of the night remembering how I tried to escape my first house, but was trapped by the wood panel on the wall. I feel like I am a victim of God, like these things are supposed to happen to me, like I invite them. I have gathered some strength from Tori Amos, her music and words - enough to keep me from jumping off the edge. But somewhere beneath this womanly figure is a little girl who will never have a decent childhood, who in the back of her mind will always hear that screaming and yelling. God I wish there was a vengeful god sometimes, but I look around and only see me, a distorted vision of what a woman is supposed to be. I can't concentrate and I want to give up on everything I start or endure. I have not seen a rape counselor but am looking for answers. I love every one of you who has survived this nightmare and I hope that you all have the strength to heal and heal others. If you ever feel like giving me advice or maybe asking me for advice, feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. May Tori be with you.
by allison mullinson 10 Oct 2003
I'm 17 years old and I am a sexual abuse survivor.
In brief, here is my story. When I was eight my parents divorced, soon after my mom met a man who became somewhat of a father-figure to me and my older siblings. He did all kinds of things with me and bought me toys. By age nine the abuse began, he would threaten me saying he would kill my family if I told. Later that year he began to abuse my best friend too. The abuse continued until we were 12 years old, at this time my mom found a tape with me and him on it and turned it in. It took my sister several days to tell my dad and when she did he wanted to kill him. My perpetrator left a month after my family found out about the abuse and was not arrested until I was 15 years old - for doing it to another child in a another state he was extradited back to Colorado. Last July my best friend and I went to court and testified and he was found guilty on 47 of the 49 accounts. In September of last year he was sentenced to 253 years with no parole. I still see a therapist and am slowly accepting my peers. I am no longer a victim but a survivor.
Thank you for letting me share my story, this is the first time I have shared it with other victims and survivors. God bless you all and best wishes with your recoveries and always remember; it is not our fault.
by survivor in colorad on 8 Oct 2003
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.