My older brother began molesting me when I was six. It ended at 14 for me. I am now 30 and every day something reminds me of the past. If I was not willing to do the sexual things he asked, he would punish me by locking me into closets, locking me into our attic, at hours at a time...he made sure I was afraid and that no one would believe me if I ever said anything. I have just begun therapy. I am married to a good guy. I have no secrets from him or anyone else except for this. I have kept quiet for so long, I am actually afraid to speak.
by Melissa on 15 Nov 2003
This is a safe place. I'm not allowed to talk about this in my family. I'm not even supposed to think about it. 'Forgive and forget' is my mother's motto. I am considered weak by them for 'dwelling on the past.' I was sexually abused by my older brother who is four years older than me. I don't know how many times it happened, but I have memories from ages six to fourteen of isolated incidents of oral sex, french kissing, etc. I idolized my brother. He is a different person now and I cannot bring myself to blame or hate him. I still love him even though I hate what he did. He stole my childhood.
Even in kindergarten I remember feeling isolated and different from other kids. I was so ashamed. I felt guilty. I was six years old then. I still feel weird and broken at twenty years.
I'm seeing a really great therapist right now and she's talking about confronting family members... I can't do that. But I can tell my story here. I was sexualized at a very early age, but I'm not dirty. I'm not crazy either. I'm working with my therapist on getting back my memories of my childhood. It's painful and I wonder why he never had to feel this kind of pain and displaced guilt and anger. He gave it to me and it is mine to deal with. But faith is my constant companion. I know that I'll work through this and erase the long-term effects. I have to. I need that peace.
by Katrina on 14 Nov 2003
I am a victim of sexual abuse by my older brother. The event is still new--I am trying to realize what has happened to me and what impact it will have on me for the rest of my life. I thank everyone for sharing their stories and letting me know that I am not alone.
by Carrie on 13 Nov 2003
I was about 5 when it all started..... I lived in San Francisco with my mother, My grandmother, and my grandmother's boyfriend Frank. We lived in a beautiful house with hardwood floors and French doors...I used to pretend I lived in a palace. But my life was turned upside down one day....
My mother had asked my grandma to watch me while she had gone out for an evening. My grandma used to love watching me...I'd play with her makeup and play dressup all the time. That night while my grandma was taking a bath, Frank came into my room to see what cartoon I was watching. (My grandma knew that I'd be ok for at least 10 minutes by myself in my room...she thought Frank would be gone for the evening.) He sat down on my bed and sat me down on his lap...He used to carry me on his back when we all went out for the day, so I thought this was ok to do. He pulled up my dress and started to touch my legs and told me to keep quiet. I told him my mom told me that I wasn't supposed to let anyone touch me down there, but he wouldn't stop....
By the time my grandma had gotten out of the bath, it was too late, and I never said a word to anyone. Even now I can't bring myself to talk about the events or the flashbacks I experience. I used to get flashbacks throughout grade school and high school....and ended up dropping my senior year, finding other ways to numb the pain. It's been 14 years since the first time...and it went on until I was 7 years old and he moved out. Now 19, I still haven't dealt with the anger, pain and frustration that I feel, or the inability to talk about it, even with my fiancé.
I hope that my story lets anyone who has had this happen to them know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The darkness will pass, and you will make it through the daysto come.
by Pixie on 11 Nov 2003
It was not that long ago; though, it does seem like forever to me. I never thought that it could happen to me. Every time someone would bring up the topic, I would allow my thoughts to trail and ignore the rest of my parent’s 'little boys are the devil' talk. Then came the day that it actually happened to me. It wasn't some pervert slipping date rape drugs into my wine glass or a stranger pinning me down in a hallway. No, it was the love of my life; at the time, the only person who was giving me a reason to live. I never thought that it could be possible for him to do it; I never thought it could be possible for me to not want it. I never thought it could be possible. What's worse is after everything that I had endured in my already horrific life, he continued to use this aspect of our messed up relationship to control me. It took months of pain, more slits in the wrists than can count, a suicide attempt, nine days in the psychiatric ward at our local hospital, and finally braking all commitment to him before I could truly move on. My new boyfriend knows of this but only of its existence and nothing more. Quite honestly I don't know how I could tell him more. I am now left with so many unanswered questions. Like, would he have heard me if I had said no? Why didn't he stop when I pushed him away? Did he even see the tears streaming down my face? Tear stained eyes, sweat dampened hair, and bruises on my hips from the bed frame, why? How? Me. Me? Rape is more that just forced sex, rape is a crime, rape is betrayal, rape is evil, rape is hate. Rape is now a part of my life and rape will never leave. However rape is my past and love is my future.
I think I'll stop running now.
by Jacy on 9 Nov 2003
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.