I was 14 or 15 going on 25. Now I am 29 going on 14. A boyfriend of a few years and I had broken up, I was heart sick. He had been my first. Two strangers came into my parentís home and took away anything that was left of me. The things they said haunt me to this day. I tried to call my ex, he thought I was lying. I lost my mind, my will to live and wanted to disappear. I stopped eating, started on meds prescribed by a long time therapist. These made me weak and tired. I lost weight rapidly and couldnít sleep. All I could do was cry. Read to escape and cry.
I had a friend named John; I trusted him and thought of him as a good friend. It had been weeks since I had gone to school; I stayed home and slept, read and cried. He came over to hang out. I thought he just wanted to hold me and make it all go away. Next I knew my pants were down and he was in me, I kept screaming for him to stop, begging, crying, and pushing him away. It felt so wrong; I can still feel him in me. The words of the other men were going through my mind, that they liked it when I fought. I just went numb. I let it continue until he was done. I know now it is called disassociation and I am a master at it. I tried killing myself twice.
Both times I was "found" and saved. I was signed into a rehab. I still wanted to die, just not in there. After a month I figured out the "path of least resistance" I am smart enough to play the game and did, finally getting out.
Then I turned to self injury or cutting (though I had no idea it had a name at the time) At least it was something I could see that hurt - blood, cut, pain. It made sense, unlike the pain in my soul I could get rid of. Back to the past: My family was upset trying to figure out what was going on with me. My best friend told my mother years later. The only mention my mother has made to me was what did I do to ask for it. I still have doubts that I couldnít have done something to make it stop, or perhaps as I trusted him and did want to be held, I somehow asked for it. I was in therapy for over 14 years and I have never been able to get to the point of dealing with this. For awhile I would just have sex anyone so that I made the decision to give it, rather than having it taken. Then I would involve myself with taken men, married, engaged ect. Now I fear all men. Even just being friends with them. I still fantasize about them holding me or making love to me, I like men; I have a major sex drive. I am just scared. After years of anorexia and bulimia, I now am a very overweight. I use my weight as a shield to keep people away. Iím going to be 30 soon, and alone. Iíve lost over half of my life. People tell me get over it and I can't. I know I need to but I still have nightmares. That one first boyfriend is the only man I have truly given myself to, there is some link to him that I think he is a soul mate though he is not for me. It is the innocence and purity of the relationship we had that I crave. But I will not put myself out there to loose it or to loose myself again. I am now a successful business person, working everyday and appearing happy. I am so unhappy. I truly hate the men who raped me, especially the one who was supposed to be friends. That has rocked me beyond words. I am affected daily by my past. I cannot seem to let go of the baggage.
Rain pours in the aftermath of sorrows. Words are useless as the storm rages on.
by Karabeth on 30 Nov 2003
I was 15 years old my step dad came in to my room and started to lay with me in bed. Then he leaned over me and got no top of me. He raped me, holding my hands above my head. I started crying, there was no one in the home so I could not call for help. He finally got off of me and acted like nothing happed. He told me that if I ever told no one would ever believe me, then he left for work. The rapes went on for about a year and a half (I knew I needed to tell someone) then finally I moved out of the house when I was 16 years old. On Friday November 21 2003 I told my therapist. I know my mother will stay with him but I am ok, I have plenty of people behind me and I can make it throw it no matter what!
by april on 26 Nov 2003
When I was 16 I was raped by my boyfriend and one of his friends. I've never told anyone this story, I just buried it inside myself; deeply. Now, I'm trying to forget, but I will never forgive them for what they did to me, for this burden they have given me. I just want to have a normal life. I want to smile for real. Thanks for letting me share my story; it helps to know there are others out there.
by Julia on 25 Nov 2003
This is long, sorry.
I've always been weird about sex. I had a string of relationships in which I had sex when I didn't want to on a regular basis - not because my boyfriend forced me - but because I felt that I had to. After going through a few of these relationships, I started having some pretty serious sex issues. I started sleeping around, and wouldn't make a commitments to anyone. I got my sex and affection from multiple people, and that worked out well for me, because without an exclusive commitment, I never felt that I had to have sex with them if I didn't want to. It wasn't a terribly healthy way to be living, though.
I've been through several episodes of major depression, and I spent a lot of time struggling to stay on top of depression and anxiety issues.
With my current fiancť, who I'm in a monogamous relationship with, the sex issues have gotten worse. I panic whenever he comes on to me, and it hurts him incredibly. I can't even touch him without feeling bad. We haven't had sex in over two months, and I just can't bring myself to do it. The last time we tried, I burst into tears partway through. This is all very hard on him, as well as on me, and I want to stop hurting him.
Recently, I've received some insight into why I am this way. About 2 years ago I started having nightmares about my stepfather coming into my room during the night when I was in my mid-to-late-teens. I don't think he sexually abused me, but I'm not sure. He definitely emotionally abused me. For 5 years he called me a wh*re or a sl*t almost every day, and he was always intimating that I was sleeping with every guy I met. He said things like 'Yeah, you just want that guy to shove his meat into you, don't you?'. This to a 15-year-old, non-sexually active, very shy girl. (I actually lost my virginity at the age of 18 to a boyfriend I cared very much for.)
Then a few months ago, I found out from my brother that the same stepfather, who was emotionally abusive to my brother and I, and both emotionally and physically abusive to our mother, had also been raping my mother on a regular basis throughout our teens. Suddenly I started remembering things that I really wish I'd never remembered. Walking in on them once, to see her in tears, held down on the bed; hearing her sobbing in the middle of the night, while he yelled obscenities at her; seeing her try to hide the bruises on her wrists in the mornings.
Somehow, even though I don't think he ever did anything to me, physically, I seem to have been traumatized by what was happening in my house. I don't know how to get help for this. I'm not a survivor of rape, or sexual abuse. I'm a survivor of growing up in a climate of sexual violence (as my therapist put it). I'm 28 years old and I can't even touch the man I'm crazy in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with. It is tearing us apart, and I don't know where to go to get help. My therapist is wonderful, but things at home are just getting worse and worse, and so is my mental state. I wish I could join a group, or something, but there isn't anywhere designed for people like me. And I'd feel stupid going into a group of women who had been raped or abused and saying 'I had to listen to my mother being raped'. It just doesn't seem.... serious. But it is serious for me. I'm really depressed and I don't know what to do. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.
by Heatheron 20 Nov 2003
I was abused by my stepfather. This was mainly physical and mental abuse from the age of 8 to 13. Then sexual abuse was added in. At first he would make me watch p*rn with him. I would also be made to walk around naked. He used to say that I should let him be my first, because he loved me, and he would be better than just some boyfriend. Once he asked me to be his call girl, which I didn't understand. He said he would give me money to sleep with him. He said if I didn't take it, he would rape me. He didn't, thank God. Years later (I am now 27) I found out that it was only because he couldn't get an erection that I wasn't raped.
The thing that hurts the most is that my mother stood by and let this happen. She watched him beat up me and my sister. She didn't know about the sexual stuff at first, and then when I told her she didn't believe me. He did admit it to her a couple of years later, after I had left to live with my grandparents. She stayed with him another 7 years after that. I have found out that my granddad raped her when she was a child. I can't believe that she would let it happen to me.
Anyway, I am now having psychotherapy, and starting to heal. I have not shared this with anyone except my partner, so thank you for listening. If anyone would like to talk or offer advice on how to heal and how to stop this affecting my relationship, please email me, at firstname.lastname@example.org.
by Amandaon 15 Nov 2003
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.