I'm 38 years old currently. In my early 30's I began having nightmares and recurrent memories of sexual abuse all throughout childhood along with emotional abuse from my father. I am estranged from the paternal side of my family, having been since my mid teens (when I got away from my dad). The anguish of my childhood years followed me everywhere I have been since. I had my first child at much too young of an age (17) and also became involved with abusive men. I have, though, essentially raised my children on my own their entire life. They have been a needed blessing. In my mid 30's I decided to attend and become involved in a church community. I found the one I wanted to begin attending, knowing that I was in need of something spiritual in my life and wanting to get to know the Heavenly Father. The charisma of this particular pastor is what essentially made me choose the church that I did. My kids really took to the church and the youth group, choir, etc. I slowly became more involved, as I was unsure if I "fit", having always felt like I didn't, almost like I was a transparent incest girl and everyone could tell. I began pastoral counseling, thinking this pastor was in close relation to God, and he offered and wanted to help me. He seemed so sincere and kind. Long story short I counseled with him for a year and a half and then he moved to another church, whereby the "relationship" continued for another six months. My discussions with him began with the graphic details of my abuse as a child and then all the other stuff. He offered to write a journal about it so that when we were done, he would give me the journal and it would somehow help me. He wrote everything as I spoke all my pain and havoc. Many tears were shed. Little did I know I was in his "grooming" process. Before I knew it I was being preyed upon sexually, but he had my devotion. From the beginning I noticed things that didn't seem right, but I was already dependent on him for my healing and basically just thought I was thinking crazy. I wasn't. The turning point, major turning point in my life, came on a spiritual walk (a 72 hour retreat), a women's walk with the Lord (of which this particular pastor was very involved with in this spiritual community). Something triggered in me and turned me around completely. I call it complete devine intervention in my life. As if the veil that covered my life my whole life had been lifted. I saw the manipulation from this man, the total disregard for me as a human, as a woman, as a child of God, much like my father had shown me. This man took over where my father left off. I don't know what gave me the courage to speak out, perhaps that devine intervention, my Heavenly Father, but I did. I'm still going through the process of the exposure and with that has come open almost a huge Pandora's Box, like you wouldn't believe. On my website, I hope to fully disclose things but am unable to at this time. I do, though, appreciate you allowing me to tell what I can here. God Bless all of you for courage and strength. Know that angels and the higher power carry you and will walk with you in the darkness; perhaps there will be the bright light at the end. I'm trying to hold on. I suffer major depression, self injury, fear and anxiety, but I feel that there is something greater for me ahead or else my Heavenly Father wouldn't have carried me this far.
by Kimon 7 Dec 2003
This is my story. I am currently a freshman in college. In fifth grade there was this guy that enjoyed feeling on me. I told the teacher and during that summer she would watch me and make sure he would not come around me. She made me feel safe. Another incident happened when I was in eighth grade. He changed my life forever I wonder how I would have turned out before this happened to me. Why did this happen to me? I will never forget this experience. I was at the bottom of the stair well with April when somebody was coming down the stairs. I told April not to make noise and I started drinking water out of my bottle. I started choking, then he came down and asked me a question and I answered it. He told me to tell April to leave so that we can talk. I should have known that something was up. We were talking in Spanish. We went to the bottom of the stairwell so that we could talk and nobody could tell us to go to the cafeteria. He asked if we can be friends and I said yes. I gave him my phone number so that we can get to know each other more. First he started French kissing me then he stared rubbing my breasts. After that he started rubbing my but. I just froze and could not move. He put two fingers inside of me and asked me if it hurt I opened my mouth to say stop but nothing would come out. Then he undid my pants and his pants then he put his **** inside of me and just left it there and started hugging me while rubbing my butt. While this was happening the bell ran and lunch was over. I could here the students going to class. He buttoned and zipped up my pants I was finally able to move and I put my belt back on. The stairwell was empty. I tried to run up stairs when he blocked me and was holding my wrists. I turned around and ran out the stairwell and walked real fast back to class. I told my two best friends. They told me to tell the teacher and I said I could not they told me to wait for the class to leave. They stayed with me till I approached the teacher. I asked the teacher if I could go to the counselor and she asked why. I just started shaking and she took me to the nurse. When the school called my mom and she came to talk with my assistant principle. The security officer asked her if she wanted to press charges she said no because it was child’s play. She did not have to say it was child’s play. It was a violation. Ever since that day I have not gotten along very well with my mom. I still feel dirty. Now I don’t feel safe anywhere. I always feel uncomfortable around guys and I get real scared when they come into my space. I feel like if everybody is looking at me and they know what happened. He brought fear into my life, I do not even feel safe at home. I still feel ugly. Nobody should have to go through what I have gone through. In high school I started cutting, using inhalants. My senior year in high school they saw my arm and asked what happened and I ran. They came looking for me, and found me and then I had to talk to them. They helped me stop then I have sort of started again. I have become a suicidal person and just want to die. I use to cry my pain away but my mom always got mad at me for crying. Then there was a time that I could not cry then on a retreat they helped my find a way to cry. I learned to cry silently so that nobody could here me. Now I cry on my bed before I go to sleep or I go to sleep crying.
by Olgaon 6 Dec 2003
Hi. I'm having a really hard time talking about anything with anyone right now. Iíve been in and out of therapy, diagnosed with several categories from the DSMIV, everything from ptsd to anxiety disorders to psychosomatic disorders.
This past Monday I was in the hospital again for a panic attack, bad enough people thought I was having a seizure. I can't get the images out of my head, it's like I'm chained up in a theatre watching the door creak open in the night, watching him come in. I was so small... well, at the beginning I was so small, and I don't remember when it started. It ended about when I started looking too grown up. I feel dead inside. I feel like someone ripped out my soul and dragged it through dirt and then shoved it back in. My parents don't know, my sister thinks itís her fault because if it had happened to her, she would have prevented what happened to me. Sometimes it hurts to be alive and the worst part of all was when my grandma caught him and he beat her, and me. All these memories, sometimes I lose my memory, just forget who I am, who all my friends are, where I live. I think it's like a self-induced amnesia - the only vacation I get from this broken record. I feel shattered; I hate myself for being pretty because I was such a cute little kid, even a model for children's clothing. I think that maybe if I was ugly it wouldn't have happened. I feel like nobody could ever really love me, they just want to use me because thereís a neon sign saying just how broken and desperate I am. But I fake it anyway, fake like I don't care, like thereís nothing wrong. Hey, you got a ticket to go with that baggage? Yea, I have several and itís so hard to feel. I used to sparkle, I used to breathe and write and be alive. Now... I just want to hide under blankets from the world, because if Iím not in the world, it can't hurt me, but I get up every day anyway. I'm sorry I'm rambling.
by julie on 5 Dec 2003
I cried when I read your stories. You are all such brave people and make me want to share my story. I was raped when I was 14 by my 20 years old boyfriend at the time, I'm now 21. He always had an obsession with sex and sexual imagery, as I imagined most guys at that age did. We never had sex and so I was a virgin. However, this is what I could recall happened, as I lost some bits and pieces here and there..
A guy friend of mine, who was actually my guitar teacher, tried to rape me in January 1997 at his place. He was the person I talked to about my concerns over my boyfriend, how my bf had been behaving, how he asked for money and how he forced me to listen to him masturbating on the phone (I usually just put the phone away). This friend of mine was apparently no different. After he tried to rape me, he told my bf that I had been having an affair with him which resulted in my boyfriendís anger. Thatís when he forced me to promise to give anything I had to him. I was scared of I donít know what. So I promised, as long as he was not angry anymore. I swear I donít know why I didnít just leave at the time.
Then in February 1997, on our date, he took me by taxi to a place that seemed like a small motel. He dragged me into a room. The hotel employees just looked at us and didnít help me. He had prepared everything. I tried to run but I couldnít escape because the door was locked. He took his clothes off and started to push me on the bed and kissing me. I was so scared I started crying and I froze. I tried to stop him again when he was taking my pants off but I wasnít strong enough. I could not believe this was the same guy I loved. His hard breath on my face, his hands all over my body, his voice telling me to call his name. I didnít feel like I was there, I just froze. I never actually remembered if penetration actually occurred. I never stopped crying that day for hours until he finally let me go..
Everything seemed too hard for me to swallow, my body was sore with pain. I didnít tell anyone, I didnít know who or what to tell, I acted as if nothing had ever happened. I could not sleep because of the nightmares, I couldnít eat and I must have had showers zillion times a day. When my parents noticed I have changed from a cheerful talkative teenager to a very quiet and avoidant one, they asked me what went wrong. I told them the story. I couldnít describe in details because I forgot things here and there, and what really broke my heart was that they didnít believe it was rape - because he was my boyfriend, and because the doctor said that I didnít show any emotional disruption. My mum just gave me birth control pills and stopped talking about it.
Over the years, I have been telling myself that it wasnít rape and keep quiet. I went from a very active, socially smart, cheerful and talkative girl to me now. I am afraid of people, every time a person looks at me I feel he/she is judging me. Every time someone get a bit personal, I go away. I cry a lot. Nowadays I get flashbacks a lot and starting to pick up the bits I forgot.
I am going to start therapy soon. guys, wish me luck. Now I have someone who I want to be with, whose patience, love and understanding has made me stronger and has made me believe I can get thru this.
Just an advice to survivors' friends/family, please take the survivor seriously, I never brought my ex to court because no one believed me and the thought of meeting him again was the scariest thought I've ever had in my mind.
All my love to you guys
by jay on 4 Dec 2003
I was sexually abused from the age of 3-10.
My abuser was my motherís boyfriend, who was also very violent and had connections with the mob.
I was also made to say sickening comment, he would ask me ďwho's girl are you?Ē and I had to answer ďyou.Ē He told me that this is what love was and my mother couldn't provide for him so I had too.
I performed oral sex, I had to masturbate in front of him, I had to kiss him, and he would rub himself against me.
I told my mother one day, who by the way is an alcoholic and didn't go to the police for 3 months. This abuse did go to court and I had to describe the details of my abuse on the stand, in front of him and also crossed examined by his lawyer at 10 years old. My abuser had threatened my mother and told her to convince me to say that I had made up the whole story. I did and he was acquitted.
My mother kept him around us all of my life until I left home at 18.
Iím still struggling with the pain at 27 years old.
by samanthaon 1 Dec 2003
Prev | 1 | | 2 | | 3 | | 4 | | 5 | | 6 | | 7 | | 8 | | 9 | | 10 | | 11 | | 12 | | 13 | | 14 | | 15 | | 16 | | 17 | | 18 | | 19 | | 20 | | 21 | | 22 | | 23 | | 24 | | 25 | | 26 | | 27 | | 28 | | 29 | | 30 | | 31 | | 32 | | 33 | | 34 | | 35 | | 36 | | 37 | | 38 | | 39 | | 40 | | 41 | | 42 | | 43 | | 44 | | 45 | | 46 | | 47 | | 48 | | 49 | | 50 | | 51 | | 52 | | 53 | | 54 | | 55 | | 56 | | 57 | | 58 | | 59 | | 60 | | 61 | | 62 | | 63 | | 64 | | 65 | | 66 | | 67 | | 68 | | 69 | | 70 | | 71 | | 72 | | 73 | | 74 | | 75 | | 76 | | 77 | | 78 | | 79 | | 80 | | 81 | | 82 | | 83 | | 84 | | 85 | | 86 | | 87 | | 88 | | 89 | | 90 | | 91 | | 92 | | 93 | | 94 | | 95 | | 96 | | 97 | | 98 | | 99 | | 100 | | 101 | | 102 | | 103 | | 104 | | 105 | | 106 | | 107 | | 108 | | 109 | | 110 | | 111 | | 112 | | 113 | | 114 | | 115 | | 116 | | 117 | | 118 | | 119 | | 120 | | 121 | | 122 | | 123 | | 124 | | 125 | | 126 | | 127 | | 128 | | 129 | | 130 | | 131 | | 132 | | 133 | | 134 | | 135 | | 136 | | 137 | | 138 | | 139 | | 140 | | 141 | | 142 | | 143 | | 144 | | 145 | | 146 | | 147 | | 148 | | 149 | | 150 | | 151 | | 152 | Next
This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.