I was 17 years old and it was three weeks before I would be heading off to college. I was working late at the restaurant that night and my coworkers invited me to a party. The first thing I asked was if there was going to be alcohol there?? I had never drank a day in my life, but figured everyone at college does it why shouldn't I. Of course they said yes and I was hesitant to go, but my coworker named Richard whom I considered a friend said he would watch out for me. A little after midnight I rode with Richard to the party. There was a lot of people and alcohol there than I could have ever imagined. Everyone kept telling me your going off to school where everyone drinks why not start now. So I drank and drank. Richard kept bringing me more beer. After about 5 or 6 beers I started to feel real dizzy and lightheaded. I just wanted to lay down. I asked Richard to drive me home. It was near 2 am. The last thing I remember is getting into his car...When I came too Richard was on top of me and was raping me in the backseat of his car. I screamed for him to stop and tried to get him off, but I was too weak and quickly fell unconcsious. The next thing I remember was being half dragged into my house and into my bedroom. There was no one else home because the rest of my family was in Florida. I believe that Richard raped me again at this time, but my memory is still fuzzy. When I awoke in the morning I felt really hungover and sick to my stomach. It wasn't until I got into the shower than did everything that had happened came full force into my mind. I just fell apart and started bawling. I felt so ashamed and so dirty. Richard had betrayed my trust in the most humilating way possible. I never returned to work at that resturant and I didn't tell anyone until the nightmares got to be so bad that I was never sleeping. A counselor was the first person to hear my story. Its been a little over a year since this happend and I am a far cry from where I was a year ago. My healing contiunes but I will survive.
by Rachelon 18 Dec 2003
I visited your site yesterday it s very good for all of us to be friend with each other and know because before this I think that I am only person with this bad feeling (it sometimes come back)...I have a same problem as this horrible happend...
Now I am 21 girl I am healthy and active in my life and I studied about marine. Every body thinks that I do not have any problem because no I have rich and famous family...and I am pretty enough...
You are the first one in the world that I say this to you ...see ...because I live in Iran...and I hurt from some one who is my father...and it is really injure I that why some one who is my father did that with me...and I were about 11 to 13. When I was 7 years my brother knew and do some things but as a play I did not know it s bad or good but we sometimes made a house with pillow and play that time I had no problem because all this was as a play and I feel friendly with my 10 years brother ...But one day my dad started to do that ...it was in the condition that my mother was sick and depress and my dad help me in my lessons and did some thing ...the huge frightening sence was in me because I had a bad feeling and I was a part from my brother I think that only I am very bad girl and I am diffrent from other cousins when I was with my friends I was far from them and all bad and sadd...I though because of my mother sickness he did that with me because I was so mommy and 4 years my mom was in bed because of pregnany depresion that and biger problem start when my sick mom saw that terrible time...oh my God ...you do not know how deeep injure I have in my heart. I remember her sentense "How could you do that with this innocent girl"she always was suspect. And as I grown up my mom was better friend for me because she is only one who know about this I see it s efect on my life ...when I was in high school it s effect and some time this diffrence was imagine on my life and when I start to love some one it start too ...when I decide to do important job I have so much stress...
And after that another problem about my brother that sometimes wanted me to doing and in 15 years because of all effect we did that and it was a new and same but it was in my control and i start to heat when he want to start because in this age I knew that guilt feeling and all of this happening finished when I was about 16 and nobody could tough me but feelings was overcome when I was with my friend and in adult age about boy friend ...I want some one but ifear was with me ...All that change by pass ages and other feeling about my father and brother was with me and I passed them...
After day after day it was solve ...it overcome when I meet some one in college that I though he can be my future husband but feeling was bad with me I leave him ...when I was sick after this I said my mom and dad about what was between me and my brother and they know but I when I told my dad that my brother did that with me I feel two things. 1.He was my father and I want he know about that
2.I was not trust on him because he had hurt me before in child hood and in a way I fell that it was his mistake
3.I want to forget all think and I forgive all things about him because he in my father
Now my brother has wife and nice life and he is rich and famous enough in his life in 25 years ...I finished college and our family problem about my mom sickness solved and she is healthy enough and happy.
And sometimes many problems there are...I was in love with some one 3 month ago But this sense effect my love and I think when i hurt from my dad I can not control my self and hate every body...after this I use some medicine to control sleep and depression and dangrous depersonality mode I do not like see my friends But I try to control this because I know this mode finish but feeling overcome maybe after...Now I have no hope for succesful love and marraige when this feeling is with me I say I never can live with someone...because I can not say my husband because it destroy my family here...And the other problem is when I go to advisor about my problem that are it s effect like fear of fail in life and some depress ...it has happen two times for me ...depersonality and no hope for life ...they ask but I can not say the emotion because my father is famous here and I can not say any things...
Now I decide to go another city and go to phsycologist to control this effect on my life. See that you are not alone...How do you think about my problem?...I am waiting for your letter
With best wishes
Girl who want pinky world
by sunnyon 11 Dec 2003
I was sexually molested by my cousin when I was 12 years old (he was 18). It went on pretty constant only for a few months, but when it ended, I felt (and was encouraged to feel) that what had happened was as much my fault as his. Only now (I am 23) have I learned that it was not my fault, he abused me, and that many of my current psycological problems can be traced to that occurance. I feel that I am finally starting to see the truth, and hopefully overcome my problems.
by finally healing on 10 Dec 2003
I can't belive my strength. I told him. I told him how he had "not seen" my tears and how I had been too afraid to tell him no. I told him every thing that had hurt and how there is a blood stain on my favorite white sheets because of him. For god sake! Why? I loved him so much. When I told him he stared to cry. he said that he had had no idea and could never forgive himself (I have never ever seen this man cry), I just stood there and let him weep. I was so angry, now he was demanding pitty for my pain. Then I slaped him and called him a son of a bit*h and walked away. When I turned the corner I realized that too had tears running down my cheaks. How could it have been an accident. I want to belive him, I really do; but after that much pain how can I? Will someone please answer me? How can I? I still love him and that won't change for a while. I see him every day because of our classes. He has brought roses to class and begged me to forgive him. I am so lost. I am so hurt. Where do I go and will anyone come with me?
by jacyon 8 Dec 2003
"What time are we upon and where do I belong?"
I can't believe the strength of any one of us. We have made it, no matter how hard it is. We wake up in the morning, or get up after not sleeping. THAT is amazing. WE are amazing. It is hard to realise that, for me. I keep thinking, it's not such a big deal. I should get over it. But such atrocity. Jacy, honey, you will go wherever you want, but the journeys you will have to take in your own mind will be the most important and effective. And I hope that you do have someone to go with you and hold your hand, but if not, the things you can do for yourself are the most important. I am in the process of learning that. Of remembering everything that happened. Recently the flashbacks have gotten worse. My childhood has been tainted, and it is almost impossible to remember that I am not. Constantly, neverending, I am in a small room in a strange place, hoping that tonight he will not come for me again. But he does. For years, for ever. And does all kinds of horrible horrible things, rapes me, beats me, tries to rape me even though I am still to young and small, keeps trying. She comes in and catches him, and he beats her, threatens to kill her if she tells. And beats me, same conditions. And it continues. Until I am no longer a child. Until I force myself to forget, because there were so many things wrong that I am just starting to deal with them. And I still feel the shame, the guilt, as if it happened yesterday, because it is always happening. And I am so angry. There will be no retribution, there can be none. He is burning in hell. I have become Estella instead, come with a warning label that says to all men, I will hurt you terribly. Perhaps intentionally. I am sorry. And I can't stop. And I drink way,way too much, want to stop, need to stop, can't. Don't eat enough, don't sleep enough. Smoke too much. I want to be invisible. But I'm not. Never will be. I am sad. But I am here. I want to run away, but it's in my head. It's this strange twisted way I'm thinking. So many thoughts, so many words, afraid to put them in ink because that makes them real. I'm weaving a spiderweb of denial. But staring me right in the face through the web is the truth, and it won't go away. People's reactions to me, always about how strong I am. What else can I do? I can't let him win. Yes, I will keep on truckin'. What else is there? I don't have enough money for therapy, don't have time to just sit and think, just taking it one day at a time, waiting until I am ready to go back and rescue that little girl lost in a mire of abuse and confusing, screaming into the night for help that isn't coming. I was molested. For years. I was raped. For almost as long. But that is not who I am, I refuse to let it be. Someday... I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my pain. My clan motto is, he of good hope. It is both a curse and a blessing. I never give up, but. I never give up. So here I am, breathing. And I am so glad that we all are- here, and breathing. And for now it just hurts, and always will. But someday, the wound might stop bleeding. And so I wait.
by DarkSparkle on 8 Dec 2003
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.