I feel pretty weak at the moment, I thought that I had dealt with my past but it keeps coming back. My stepfather (he actually legally adopted me so he is my legal father) molested me so technically it is incest.
However, I feel like something happened when I was eight with an older boy who was about ten. I was staying at my grandparents and my grandmother used to call him my 'boyfriend' but it was a joke. Anyway, he took off his pants and underwear and showed me his penis. He asked me to strip and to touch him but I refused and walked out of the room. Later, my stepfather asked me if the boy had shown me his penis and I said 'yes'. I just can't remember why my stepfather would have known about this. Maybe things happened that I am still blocking out.
Then, later when I was about 12, my stepfather started to molest me. He exposed himself to me, watched me in the shower. Once he woke me up, took my hand and led me to the shower. I told him never to do it again and he didn't. But this wasn't the end of the sexual abuse.
Whenever I went to the toilet and locked it, he would start banging on the door. Once I forgot to lock it and he came in and talked to me while I sat on the toilet. It was so embarrassing. I pretended like it was normal, and he started to shave, I think because I was scared to make him angry, he used to beat me sometimes (punching and kicking).
I remember when I was about 14 or 16 (I can't remember) I was crying in my bed. Normally, I never let anyone see me cry - my parents weren't exactly sympathetic) and he came in and lay on the bed with me with his arm around me, consoling me. This was from a man who usually enjoys hurting me. Anyway, I accused him of being a pervert and he said 'Only a little bit of a pervert' whatever that means.
Once, when I was 14, I came back from somewhere 5 minutes later than he had ordered. I thought he was going to hit me like he usually does and was waiting for the blow but instead he pushed me down on the floor, pulled down his trousers (he wasn't wearing any underwear) and sat on top of my chest so I couldn't breathe. I struggled to get him off me but he was too strong and heavy.
Anyway, I realized that as a teenager, whenever I was at home, there was always the unspoken threat of rape even though it never happened as far as I can remember and this is damaging. Actually, I thought that he was going to rape me because I let him get near me one time, bad idea although normally I would scream if he came into the same room as me, my mother didn't seem to think that this was strange. He grabbed me and started touching me - I really thought he was going to rape me but after a while he stopped.
After that, he threatened to rape me about 3 or 4 times - particularly if I let myself be alone with him. Once he followed me up the stairs and came to my bedroom door talking filth about what he was going to do to me and I slammed my bedroom door in his face and put a chest of drawers in front of my door so that he couldn't come in because I was scared. My mother came in and made me open the door but again didn't think that it was strange.
by Katrinaon 1 Nov 2005
Not sure what I'm doing here or how I would like to express my frustration. I was raped for the first time at 18 years of age by someone I considered to be a big brother of mine. But most recently by a guy who I was extremely interested in. We worked together at a very large company, and hung out with the same group of friends. We hang out all of the time I'm not sure what happened this last time I went to visit. It started as usual he called and made plans to play video games and watch movies like any other night. I went over to his house and finally confessed what he probably already knew that I had a really big crush on him. It started out fine we had a couple of shots... played a couple of rounds of a the fighting game "Tekken." Then he kissed me and I was kind of taken back by this, but I accepted it with open arms. I thought finally someone who I had grown really fond of would reciprocate those feelings. The kiss only lasted a few seconds then I pulled back, and smiled then we continued to play. We took a few more shots and then a few friends called and said that they were gonna come over after work. We started to watch a movie, and I snuggled close to him and put my head on his chest. I looked up at him and smiles and then he kissed me again.. we started to make out, I let him touch me, and we just continued to kiss some more. Then he got up and went to the bathroom. At this time I was feeling a little tipsy because I really don't drink. Then he turned aggressive. I told him to stop and that I didn't want to have sex with him but he continued anyway. He is a much bigger guy then I am. I'm only 5'1, 130lbs and he is 6'2 about 220, so there is really no fighting him, but I did with all my might. I just could not help thinking in the back of my mind "This could not be happening to me again... I just can't live through this again. NOT AGAIN!" But it happened again. I asked him over and over to stop, and why he was doing this to me and all that he could say to me is that he wanted to show me how much he liked me.
Every time I think it's ok to trust someone, it gets thrown in my face. I don't think that I will ever TRUST again, LOVE again, or ever be WHOLE again. I'm lost and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at the lowest point in my life and I just want to give up. I HAVE NO MORE HOPE.
by Laree on 1 Nov 2005
I work at a Hotel in my city, often third shift. One night the power went out, and there had been no warning of a storm of any kind. It was just sudden. It turned out that the lights all over the area were out.
That night a guy comes down to get some towels I think, and during the time it took me to get the towels that happened to be in the office--- he gets this stupid idea in his head.
I give him the towels and this look crosses over his face, I don't know how to adequately explain the way his eyes changed--and he started walking towards me.
It was as though time froze and I didn't think anything. I just did not know what to do.
He walked right up to me, and he was so tall I did not even look at his face or his eyes.
He started to grab me and then I heard someone coming from the hall and that was the best sound that I'd heard that night.
I guess the person saved me.
The guy just turned and walked away.
I don't really believe in luck--but I think that the other guest interceded at the right moment for whatever reason.
by Neveon 30 Oct 2005
I was raped just over 6 months ago by a man I stupidly accepted a lift from. I had been drinking but had sobered up and was fully aware of where I was and what I was doing. I was trying to get home after a really happy evening with a mate. After missing my train, I was panicking about how I would get home and this man offered to help. I regrettably accepted his help, not knowing what was going to happen. That night I wasn't too bothered about getting a lift with a stranger as he was friendly and as well as getting me home in time for work the next day, I also thought it would be fun to travel with someone.
A short while into the journey, he pulled into a lay-by on a main road and slowly and painfully raped me. That evening in the short time I had been with him before it happened, he had gained all my trust, he had been friendly, I had begun to like him, then it went wrong. The hardest part is that he was saying so many nice words to me as he did it, as if it was okay, and that has left my head very confused. I even asked him if he liked me as it was happening and when he was asking if I liked it I agreed as I didn't know what to say. I liked the attention at first but I never wanted sex. He took it from me and I never said he could. I won't go into detail as I find it hard to write.
I will never forget that night. I blame myself for not taking better care and for getting into a stranger's car. But I blame him for what he did to me and for what he took from me. Before this happened I was a virgin, he's taken my innocence away.
Thanks for reading.
by Hollyon 30 Oct 2005
My grandfather molested me. That's my mother's father. He molested/raped her as well. My oldest brother also molested me forever, however, I only remember a few instances. I can't think about how to process it all out of me. It's all trapped inside me. The pain is almost unbearable. Sometimes there's a thumping in my body. It's almost as if something is inside me hitting me from the inside trying to get out. I think it's all the bad stuff trying to come out...I don't know how to reach it or process it out of me. I'm lost!
by michelleon 28 Oct 2005
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