I've posted some things on here before, I want to get them out again though. I've always felt like an outcast growing up, wanted people to like me, always felt lonely. I'm 15, since the age of nine I put myself in more fuc*ed up situations than I want to count. I'm a little buzzed right nwo, so if it comes out jacked then my bad. I don't have a problem being intimate with people I'm just the opposite, was anyways.
Age 9, I liked a teenager next door, he was living with my cousins. He was their cousin. I liked him, wanted him to like me, but then he staretd trying to feel up on my chest, like anyting was even there, kissin up on me...feeling up on me, I didn't like what he was doing but i got used to it, started acting like it wasn't happening. I remember one of the first times...I tried to run, he chased after me, pulled down my pnants and started feeling on me...I kept trying to get away, my cousins were just in the next room so eventually I got away then ran in there. He was always like this. He raped me when iw as 10. Then we moved, and it never happened again.
Age 11, a 19 year old molested me, I was out of state where I'm living now...it was a visit. He tried to have sex with me, I wouldn't let him though. I'm just glad he didn't try to make me. He just got on top of me, grinded on me, kissed me called me his girl, you know...said he liked me. Not too long after this, if a guy tried to mess with me I thought it meant he liked me, I was lonely you know. I guess that's just how I figured out how to get attention. I was only 11 and I let a 14 yer old fuck me.
Age 12, my best friend's dad started up. She was the closest person I ever had to me. Noone will ever get that close again. I told my psych when I was 13, big mistake, it got reported, I couldn't go out there anymore. My bulimia got even worse after this. I started burning myself every night. It's like she just died. Oh yeah, age 12 there was a 16 year old, a 15 year old..I just let them. I didn't know it was wrong.
I started fucking around when I was 14 again. A 22 year old at first...one time. I started feeling guilty told him to stop, he just sped up on me. Then a 25 year old, just turned 14. I felt dirty at first, I don't know why I kept going back. It stopped cuz I moved a few months ago when I was 15, him 26.
A female who was 20, I was 14..I'm bisexual, but she was just dirty. I'll just say I was too drunk to even walk at the time
That leaves me with now. I'm 15 right, I moved out of state to get away from all that, my own family does it! 19 year old cousin, he was drunk I was asleep. I don't know if he wanted me to wake up or what, but I did and I didn't know what to do I just acted like I was asleep. I don't know if he knew I was awake or not...and there was NO fuc*ing clothes between our skin, he had his hand down my pants.
They're all fuc*ed up but you learn to deal with it. Even this year I was drunk and I let a 23 year old mess with me. The 26 year old..I don't know what was up with that. I can't believe I let a grown man touch me, he told people we were cousins so they wouldn't think anything was up. Bastard.
I quit being around though when I moved up here because I feel loved for once or something. I could NEVER talk to my mom, she just wouldn't have it. I don't know what was up with that. I had a guy who used to hit me a few years ago, fuc*ing prick. He swears up and down he messed around but I can't remember it. He explained it and everything but I don't know. He was mean to me though. that's why I broke up with him. Please email me someone, talk to me.
My email are:
by lenaon 1 Feb 2004
My brother molested me for years. My story is too long so I shortened it. My dad and stepmother dont want me to prosecute him. My stepmom and my dad were furious and they lefty me alone with my brother for a day and he snapped my bra and started laughing then he put his feet on me and was laughing. My dad does not want me to prosecute my brother but I do and it makes it harder for me to do that since he doesnt approve. He still sexually harasses me sometimes and refuses to got o therapy. I still live with this constant pain because of all this. Thanks so much
by susanon 22 Jan 2004
My story is not as horrible as the ones that I have read on this site but that does not minimize the pain and sense of betrayal I feel. Sexual abuse should not be condoned at any cost. My paternal uncle took advantage of me and sexually abused me. He did not rape me or hurt me physically but he did enough emotional damage to last a lifetime.
I was 16 years old. I am from India and a sixteen year old is not as mature as kids from the west. Family and trust are big factors where I come from. My youngest paternal uncle, who is 17 years older than me, was my favorite. I literally idolized him and loved him in my own innocent way. We used to chat till late in the nights and shared a very normal uncle-niece relationship. But things changed and I do not know why.
One night he professed that he was in love with me. I was young, immature, inexperienced and totally confused. I was not sure whether anything made sense. He then proposed to me innumerable times and proceeded to kiss me in a very sexual and intimate manner. He slept next to me like a lover would and wooed me in the most romantic way. He had this uncontrollable power over me and I was totally under his spell. This continued for a couple of weeks but thankfully, I was saved since I lived in another town and had to return to resume my studies.
This happened 20 years ago. I can never ever forget the lust and longing in his eyes. It filled me with shame, self-loathing, guilt and a real dirty feeling. I believed myself to be responsible for all that happened. I have come out in the open now and am seeking professional help for all my emotional and mental problems. I have suffered from depression ever since I learnt that I was abused. I hate him for what he did to me. The immense sense of loss and betrayal of trust that I feel is indescibable. The guilt that I have lived with and the silence about this issue has caused terrible trauma in my life. I lost the best years of my life feeling guilty about some pervert's wrong-doing.
This is my story and I want to tell others out there that one can get well. I am trying hard and hope to be able to regain my sense of trust again. The perverted bastards in this world need to be exposed and that is my next objective. May he rot in a hell of his own making. Perpetrating such atrocities on a kid (who should be like a daughter to him) in his own family speaks volumes about his character. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him or forget the atrocities that he heaped on me. But I survived and am working on living a full life and enjoying the remainder of my life.
Thanks for reading my story. It helps to share with others who understand what I have gone through and the pain, inner turmoil and rage that this generates in a person.
by BB on 15 Jan 2004
I was molested by one of my older brothers for a few years when I was around 3 he stopped when I started school but never raped me. I also suffered physical abuse from my father until I was about 10. I started running away at 14. My family was really crazy and my brothers were in trouble and jail all the time. My father was an alcoholic and he and my mother were pill addicts. When I was in a group home I told my case worker because he wondered why I ran from home so much he didn't think the physical abuse was a big deal. So he said he would keep me in a group home until I told my parents and I did write a letter and they didn't believe it. I only made things worse by recanting the story because I was sick of group homes and they sent me home. I only wish I could have been saved from what happened after that. Well I was unwanted at my parents house for telling the truth about their dysfunctional ways but they hated me for exposing my older brother for molesting me and somehow they got the story wrong and thought I said all my brothers and my Dad molested me. It was very uncomfortable. So I'd leave and stay with friends and sometimes on the streets. And when it got cold then I'd stay with my parents for like a couple months. Through it all I stayed in school and graduated with honors. Right before my graduation my older sisters crazy and alcoholic boyfriend tried molesting me while I slept on the couch. I don't know how many times prior to that he may have tried. My parents continued to let him stay in the house. I filed a report and the policeman said how do you feel that your parents don't seem to care. I had no answer. So I left for good. Right before my graduation I met an older guy. He 30 to my 17. I was a virgin still. He was a smooth talker and a liar. He convinced me he was this rising musician. So was not the case. He was a former musician and drug dealer. But he was broke now and an alcoholic and drug addict and so was the majority of his mixed Black/Filipino family. I graduated with flying colors and then 6 months later I had a baby girl. He went to jail for 6 months and I had the baby alone. When he got out I got pregnant again. He became abusive while I was pregnant. Never touched me. Spit on me, hit me, yelled. He was crazy. And that's what the relationship became about. I finally left him when my little girl turned 2. Now I'm depressed most of the time. I hate my life. I hate the father of my kids for abusing me and taking advantage of me I so young and my innocence gone. I felt raped by him. I didn't want this life for me. He didn't show up for either birth of the girls. Now he never sees the kids. I felt like he purposely did this to me after he knew about my family. I'm not sure how to pick up those pieces because I'm stuck with his kids. I can't change that. I'm suicidal and very depressed and can't look at myself in the mirror. I feel very alone and my heart is very sad. I've had other boyfriends but none that worked out. I feel like I'm dying of a broken heart and I am because I don't fell like my life is worth living because of all I could have been with the talents I did have. I'm so alone and so ashamed of who I am. email@example.com
by syaon 15 Jan 2004
I've told nobody my story. To my family and my friends I'm a happy, outgoing person but inside I feel so alone and confused. I cry for hours when I'm alone. The memory of bieng touched improperly by not only my mentally retarded uncle that was three times bigger than I was but my brother that was five years older than I was and worst of all my father. None of the three knew about each other. I always try to find excuses for them for what they did to me. Well my uncle knew what he was doing but he was'nt mentally there to fully comprehend that it was wrong. As for my brother, maybe he was at the age of curiosity and wanting to know what it was about and who better than me to experiment with. But my father? My own father? I can't understand why? My mother and father seemed to have a perfect marriage. We would go to church twice a week. My father was everything to me, my role model, my heroe. One day as I was watching television in my parents bedroom he came and sat beside me. I remember him touching my breast and telling me how much I had grown. I was completly shocked he was saying that to me but hey maybe that's what fathers did, I trusted my father, he'd never let anything happen to me, right? By the time I knew it he had me on the floor half undressed. All I done was turn my head and close my eyes. I done nothing and said nothing. I was totally confused and scared. Was this normal? Does this happen to everybody at age eleven? He noticed I was sobbing and asked if I was scared. I said yes and he stopped, got up and left the room. I was confused and scared. He continued for sometime. I remember my mother watching a television show once about sexual abuse and I remember her saying that if she ever knew that someone would hurt us that way she would be willing to kill that person for what they done to us. I was so scared! I couldn't tell her what was going on. Imagine what she would do to my father if she found out. I can't imagine everybody knowing what had happened to me. What about my family? I could't bare see my brothers and sister without a father. I just couldn't imagine to see them as sad and confused as I was, getting sent to a foster home. I would keep this to myself forever. My mother died of cancer when I was 22yrs. not knowing what had happened to me throughout the years. Now I'm married and have three children. I still see, and love my father. I think I have been able to forgive him for what he has done. I really think he is ashamed of what he did but we have never touched that subject nor do I want to talk to him about it. But that does'nt take away the pain the loneliness, the confusion that I am feeling every hour of every day. I find myself crying everyday. Putting on a happy face around my husband, my kids and everybody else. Why involve them with my problems and unhappiness. I'm tired of feeling so unhappy and depressed. How can I get help without having my kids and my family know what happen to me? Please help, I'm in need for advise.
by Maryon 14 Jan 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.