It was good for me to read your stories today...and as I read I took many long deep breaths and sent so many of you deep and profound love from the center of my soul. "I remember that", I mumbled to myself again and again. And it was good to remember..for it has been almost 6 years since I had my first flashback. And today...today I needed to go back..if only for a brief moment.. and acknowledge what happened to me..because believe it or not, there will come a time when the memories don't rule over you and you have happiness beyond possible belief..and you almost FORGET.
I was sexually abused from age 3 to age 11 by my father. I repressed most of it but when my first child turned 3, I was flooded with flashbacks..literally thinking I was losing my mind. My father,the bastard, took my virginity at age 7, forced me orally to orgasm hundreds of times, choked me repeatedly with his penis in my mouth and down my throat, used foreign objects to penetrate me, and in the end sodomized me. He threatened to kill my mother if I told and controlled every aspect of my life. After the abuse ended, (I got my period and I think he was afraid of pregnancy)I also found myself, as many of you have, in a series of abusive relationships that further continued my pain. I also married an abusive man who sexually abused me.
And the reason I am sharing all of this is because, I am, today, at the threshold of the most amazing things in my life and found myself almost afraid of the goodness, and realized perhaps I am afraid because most of my life has been lived in fear,torment, shame, guilt, and undescribeable pain.
So as I am standing in all this goodness and feeling anxious, a small voice from within told me.."This is your reward". This is your reward for the months of "wanting to crawl in a whole and die", of not being able to get out of bed,or eat, or take a shower, of forcing myself to go to group and to see my counselor, of crying each morning in desperation that I was still alive.. because I swore I would die in my sleep from the pain. My reward for all of the flashbacks I didn't push away, but allowed to wash over me, for the feelings and experiences I bravely shared with my group. (Utter the words and it becomes painfully real, yes?) For the body memories (having to reach down because I swore there was a penis inside of me), for the constant feeling of nausea, for the complete void that exisited instead of my soul. For the strength and courage it took to leave my abusive husband and be FREE from abuse once and for all. For the strength to take control of my life and learn to live as a survivor, instead of a victim.
And I am here today to say there is HOPE. That you will not only function, but thrive.
I have recreated my life into one I have always dreamed of having. I live in a beautiful apartment with beautiful things, I have a job I love, am going to school, and have had some of the most amazing moments. I have danced cajun under the stars on a summer's night, I have walked in the sun and picked wildflowers, I have swam in the ocean, I have had outrageous sex in a field of wild flowers, (yes..you will actually WANT to have sex again...and it will be beyond what you ever imagined), I have had hundreds of nights of quiet, restful sleep, and I have been bathed in a clawfoot bathtub filled with rose petals and read from my favorite book while I sipping champagne!
And I promise you, if you press on in your healing,(go to a GOOD counselor or group, journal, and read about how to heal from sexual abuse) that you will have a full and beautifully rich life of love and goodness. And you will not only live, but THRIVE. You will LOVE life, savor it, and bring numerous sacred and loving things into your heart.
I know it seems impossible right now...the pain..it swallows you whole..you can hardly breathe sometimes...and you feel like it is written on your forehead.. "I have been sexually abused". You can't escape it. But you can go through it..one step at a time. Try. Try one thing each day to take care of yourself. Comb your hair, go for a walk, eat something that tastes really good, see a funny movie, or buy yourself a new top. Reward yourself for talking about that flashback you had last night with your counselor. Reward yourself for every step you take. Once you are feeling better, I would also recommend an exercise class or yoga..it helps you reconnect with your body again.
And there's one more thing.
By doing all of this healing..you will no longer attract men into your life that will abuse you. And if they happend to waltz by, you can spot them immediately. But in order to do this..you must educate yourself and heal from the trauma of the abuse. Put YOU first! And if you have a heart to love another, he will find you.
I wish you PEACE..
by Raquelon 8 Feb 2004
My name is Mandy. I am a 22 year old survivor (or trying to be...)
My story, like so many, begins as a child. I was molested by my mother's boyfriend when I was between the ages of 5 and 6. It started with touching, and escalated steadily from there. He worked at the same place as my mom, and it was decided that he would move in with us, and they would work different shifts so that one of them could be home with my younger brother and I at all times. Things started right after he moved in.
Right after I turned 6, he began actually raping me. He also started pulling a knife out and holding it to my throat when I refused to do what he wanted me to. I lived a double life. I was the quiet, polite, good little girl to everyone else, with him I was just his plaything. I kept the self that everyone else saw separate from that self. and I never told. I was too afraid to tell. he threatened me daily.
When he just up and left one day, right before I turned 7, I took every memory that I had, and shoved it as far towards the back of my mind as I could. I guess it worked until I began having flashbacks around age 12. I didn't know how to handle things anymore. I started hanging out with older guys. i started drinking heavily and using drugs. I was back to living a double life again, and I was okay with that fact. I was the good student during the day, during the week. At night and on weekends I was the party girl. That partying brought more trouble for me though...
When I was 14, I was at a party at some guy's house who I didn't know, but some of my friends did. I got really messed up, and I still don't remember going upstairs with the guy who's place it was. The first thing I remember is being pushed down onto this bed... trying to push a guy that was a lot bigger than me off of me.. him holding me down.. covering my mouth.. raping me. right after, he just got up and left, but not before telling me that I'd better keep my mouth closed, and that I liked it. I did exactly what he told me to do... I didn't tell. I waited a little while, got myself back together, went back downstairs, told one of my friends that I wasn't feeling well, and left.
after that, I went into a totally self destructive mode. I began cutting myself, and banging my head on walls, just to be able to feel something. I had attempted suicide 5 times before i turned 16. That's where my life took another turn.
When I was 16, I was raped again, by a friend of mine. Someone that i trusted to watch out for me, someone who was like an older brother to me. I was at his house, we started drinking some. After a few, he stopped. I did what I always did.. I kept on drinking. By this point in my life, I didn't think that I could ever get drunk enough.. to get past everything that had happened to me. I was leaning on a counter in his kitchen. He came over next to me, and started kissing me. I let it happen in the beginning, but when he started getting forceful, I tried to push him away. He had me pinned against the counter, and he grabbed both of my wrists and twisted my arms behind my back. He pulled me away from the counter, and forced me backwards onto the floor. He raped me right there on that floor. When it was over, he said that I led him on.. I provoked him.. I let it happen.. I didn't fight him.. it wasn't rape. But it was. Again, I kept it to myself.
After that, I cleaned up my act.. some.... I slowed down on the drinking and drugs. I finally stopped altogether when I was 18.. after being placed in a psychiatric facility for attempting to slice my wrist while on a bad acid trip.
I figured now that I was clean and sober, I was going to be okay, and nothing like that was going to happen to me again. I was wrong.
When I was 19, I went on a blind date. I had talked to the guy a few times on the phone, and he had seemed nice. I had no idea that he wasn't, we ended up at his place, because he said he had forgotten his wallet there. He wanted to take me for a tour of his place, so I agreed. The last room he took me into was his bedroom, then he locked the door. He kept me locked in his bedroom for a whole weekend. He only let me out to use the bathroom, and I had to leave the door open, while he stood guard. He took my cell phone away from me, so that I couldn't make or receive any calls. He kept the keys right on him the whole time. There was no way to get awaay from him, and I didn't know the area that i was in at all anyway. ...he raped me a total of 7 times that weekend. He tied me to the bed, I didn't think it would ever end. Finally the second evening, he made me take a shower, while he watched.. then he just took me home.. like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. This one, I did tell, mainly because I couldn't get around it. Nut nothing happened. I didn't know his address.. the phone number I had was not registered to him. It was registered to a woman instead. The shower that he made me take had destroyed anything there.
I'm just trying to make it today in this world. I have flashbacks all of the time. I've been on antidepressants for years now. I take things as they come and try to deal accordingly.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Be safe.
by gemini22on 8 Feb 2004
I posted my story a while ago. I am just in need to spill the bin now as I have no one to talk to.
When I thought I'm over the flashbacks, it happened again! It was so bad that I started crying in public, which I have never done before. The trigger was so simple: smell of alcohol and cigars..I actually felt like I smell his breath on my face again and walked out of the camp party sobbing.. was really thinking to hit my head against the wall so that the images and the pain would go away or at least so that I fall unconscious and don't have to remember..
by jay on 7 Feb 2004
My name is Nikki ,I am not writing this for pity, this is a SURVIVOR story. I am 25, my ex husband raped me,(THIS IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT) I call him the General of Hell. When I was 22 I had been ill and had to have a hysterectomy. After that, things get worse.
At first he was pushing me down (a month after the hysterectomy), and violeting me while I was asleep or so he thought. I always woke up with him on top of me, with his penis inside me. It hurt so bad I would cry. Then the hitting got worse. The first time he raped me, he broke my arm, then tried to pull it back into socket.
If I screamed he would tell me that I was faking then drugged me into the room and violently raped me dry. I bled and I will never forget the burn, the pain, having my soul ripped from me. This went on for 3 years. I was 6 hours away from anyone or anything I knew and I was alone and scared for my life. Another time he got the gun out and made me suck it like if I was giving him head, the gun was loaded and cocked. I truly thought he was going to kill me. He decided he liked beating the shit out of me and raping me when he wanted "some". That's the only way he got it.
9 months ago I left his ass. I woke up one day and there was no more tears, I was no longer afraid. I looked at my cat of 15 years and said "that's it babygirl, we're going home to lousiana".
My life now is wonderful, I have found happiness. I owe something to Tori Amos, the entire way home I jammed to "BOYS FOR PELE" and her song "ME AND A GUN" made me realize I was not alone afterall. I started to really hear her words and I understood them.
If you are reading this and are being harmed, remember that it is NEVER ok and that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I am a SURUIVOR, hear me...LEAVE, WALK OUT, GET HELP. YOU ARE NOY ALONE.
by Nikkion 6 Feb 2004
I'm not sure how I ended up at this website.
Like many of the women here, I was sexually molested several times as a child. Unrelated incidents. I was abducted and raped as a woman. At gunpoint. I was 23 then and married. My marriage never recovered. Maybe I didn't either.
I am a woman. My age is 33 years.
I never knew until today how many women that have been victims of sexual assault were victims more then once in their life. I never knew. At some point through the years, I have convinced myself that it must have been karmic in my life. That I must have been such a horrible being in some past life that I was being punished in this one.
I never knew there were so many women with secret pasts so like mine.
For the first time, I find myself wondering what I would have been if these things had never happened in my life. I don't think of myself as having been permanently affected.
But I remember what I used to be. I thought the changes in me were just part having grown from a child to a woman.
I remember a me that was not afraid. A me that laughed and cried. A me that would wake up singing; a me that would sleep at night without giving it another thought.
I remember a me that would fight back at injustices and stand up to anything that tried to hold me back. A me that painted sunflowers and rivers and dreamed of a family.
And I wonder what kind of me I would be now if none of these things had happened.
I don't remember the last time I laughed and felt it. I think I might have cried years ago, but I don't remember the moment. I don't fight injustices. I walk away from them.
I lay awake at night wondering if someone could squeeze through the doggie door. Wondering if I should keep a loaded gun in my bedside table.
I threw away my paint brush years ago. And I no longer dream of having a family. Instead I have nightmares of people hurting me. I wake up. I work. I watch TV. I sleep. I wake up.
And I never thought I was affected, because I don't feel pain when I think about these things. But now I wonder if maybe I feel nothing, because what I was has already been taken from me.
by sage on 4 Feb 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.