Reading over some of the other survivor stories I was inrpired to write. I haven't reported my rape to anyone. Last year I got baptized and my mom thought it would be better for me to hang around the kids at my church. I did, but in some ways they were no better or more moral than my "worldly" friends. So I dated another teen at my church for a little while and he ended the relationship because he said it took his focus off of god. I respected that about him. He didnt succumb to temptation too much, or at least I didnt think he did. I'd go over his house and we'd jog or watch movies; just chill. One night his mom went out and he offered to walk me home. I left my purse so we went back and I ended up in his room. We made out and I told him how attracted I was to him. (so stupid) So he started kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt and at first I was for it but then I got uncomfortable and wanted to stop. He did and apologized. So I was rebuttoning my shirt and then he just leaped on me (at first I thought he was kidding) I laughed, but then I saw that he wasnt smiling, he looked serious, not himself. I struggled to break free, at first just angry. I thought I could get him off and then I'd kick his ass. He kept slapping me and calling me all kinds of sluts and whores, martyrs and b*tches. Then he started punching me and screaming and I just broke down, I started crying. I begged, I told him I'd do it if he just got off of me and stopped hitting me. He got complete control of my hands and then I felt this sharp pain, this paralyzing, deafening pain that sticks with me to this day. Our moms are good friends, I see him all the time. And I just dont have the voice to tell anyone. It eats at me. I dont see how this can heal.
by Sydranon 15 Feb 2004
My story is a little unusual. You see when I was 19, My firend Michelle and I meet a group of gay guys who loved to party with us. We loved hanging out with them because they were fun guys and you didn't have to be worried about one of the assulting you if you were drunk.....so I thought. The boys were flirty with girls when they drank, but it never went past harmless kissing. Shortly after i turned 20, I meet this 23 year old gay guy named John at a party. The first night I meet him he was rather aggressive, and his behavior should have sent up a red flag in my mind. When I was sitting on the couch, he came up to me and stated giving me a lap dance. At first I thought he was trying to be funny so I just laughed. Then I fell back on the couch and he fell on top of me, instead of getting off me, he started to grind against me on the couch and suck on my neck. At first I told him to stop and yelled out for help. But the other boys and my friend Michelle thought it was funny and encouraged his behavior. I managed to crawl off the couch to the floor after he gave me several hickies. I was on my stomach and he grabbed me by the leg and rolled me over on my back. He then kept grinding against me to the point that my back was hurting me. He was on top of me biting my neck and moaning. I told him he was hurting me, but this seemed to only excite him further. He must have orgasimed because suddenly he stopped, rolled over on his back and pulled me on top of him. He was only about 5' 7" and like 140 pounds, but he was strong for his size. I got off of him and my friend Michelle told me to stop acting so sluty. A week later we went to another party and John was there. The night started off innocently enough and we both acted like nothing ever happened. I suppose because they were gay, I assumed the aggressive sexual behavior from any of the boys meant nothing to them. Later that evening, I had about 6 alcoholoc drinks in me and felt tipsy. I searched for a bedroom to lay down in, suddenly I felt someone's hands on my waist, pushing me into the nearby bedroom. I turned to see John behind me with a wicked smile on his face. I went in the room and turned around to see him shut the door and lock it behind us. He turnd the lights off, but I could see everything from the glare of the computer screen in the room. He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me on the bed. He layed on top of me and was up to his usual behavior. He started to grind against me and kiss me. I told him I wasn't into it tonite and just wanted to go to bed. He spread my legs with his legs and said that he wanted to tire me out first. I told him no, but he held my hands together with one hand and pulled up my skirt and shirt with the other. He ripped off my panties and started to un-button his pants I tried to fight him but I was to weak from exhaustion and alcohol consumption. He grabbed my hair and turned my head to the side. He whispered in my ear that I was a sweet innocent girl who liked it rough and painful. I pleaded with him to not do this to me. I even reminded him of his homosexuality and that he shouldn't even find me attractive. He just replied that he still had a urge to have sex with me and started biting my neck. He slid himself into me and began thrusting very hard. He vaginally raped me so hard that I bleed. I screamed out that he was hurting me, I guess the music was so loud at the party no one heard us. He told me that gay men like it rough and then ejaculated inside of me. We laid there for a few minutes, I must have passed out from the ordeal. When I came to, John was licking my vagina and the owner of the house, Brad 25, was watching him and masturbating. The lights we on now, and the music in the bedroom was blaring. I sat up, but Brad walked over to me, put his hand over my mouth and pushed me down on the bed. Just before I passed out again, he said "now it's my turn." When I woke up the next morning wrapped in a blanket with brad lying on one side of me and John was on the other. I crawled out of the bed and got dressed without waking them I walked out of the room, but John came up behind me, grabbed my arm , and pushed me agaisnt the wall. He said that I told anyone what happened he would do the same thing to Michelle. I haven't told anyone since it happened six months ago. Partley because of his threat, I couldn't stand the thought of my best friend being tortured the was I was. Also because I'm to embarressed about what happened. I haven't been to any parties where I knew those boys would be there and none of my friends are the wiser. I am a great actress when I have to be. I just wanted to tell my story so women out there know that just because a man says he's gay, it doesn't mean he won't take advantage of you given the oppurtunity.
by Chryseis on 15 Feb 2004
Okay, I've never done anything like this before, I usually shy away from hearing about peoples abuse it's too painful, and there have been precious few people I trusted enough to tell about my own story. I don't think I would regret any of what I went through if magically it never happened to anyone else again ever. If somehow by me having been molested for my entire childhood by 5 differnet men, all of them relatives, not another little girl or boy would ever feel the discomfort or shame. I would rejoice with having sacrificied my childhood and subsequent trust to any and every good person who has ever tried to be a part of my life if my loss would save every child on earth. but the reality is predation against children is never gonna stop, media like tv has exacerbated peoples mental unhealthiness and the whole world is just fucked, money, power, pollution, all the suffering that's going on in the world in the world, that is mostly ignored by us the wealthiest yet unhealthiest nation. And children are too unprotected, parents aren't looking, or like in my case I don't feel like my mother even cared. She had to know , there were so many nights I remember her walking down the hall and finding my dad in my room, she would say "what are you doing in her room?, and my dad would say I was waking her up to go to the bathroom, you know she'll wet the bed." come on ya'll, I'm smart but not a genius , any mother who was connected to her child should damned well feel some warning that he was lying, she already knew that his father had molested nearly all of the children in my famiily, and in some small defense of my mother I will say that she tried hard to keep us away from my grand father but he still had his hands down my pants every time he laid eyes on me.
Thankfully she hated him enough that we rarely saw him, but her own husband, my father, and two of my own brothers molested me right under her nose. Every episode of abuse with my brothers happened with her in the house. Plus the fact that I was an obviously unhappy child and did wet the bed excessively, duh, that should have made her aware that something was happening that I simply couldn't talk about. But she was so absorbed in her own petty unhappiness that she didn't care to know about me. I don't wish this feeling on anyone, except the men who hurt me. I think of my potential, I'm an intelligent woman, I'm in school studying botany, and I'm a damned good mother but what level of happiness and achievement beyond what I know now would I have been capable of if I could have been a child like alot of my friends. They don't feel depressed 75% of the time or more, they have quick spontaneous wit, and original thoughts, I don't experience alot of all that, I feel like my whole physce has been frozen and I just don't feel things like other people. People always comment on how they were drawn to my warmth and kindness. Well it's empathy, I know how people feel when they hurt, their pain may be for different reasons than mine but pain is pain, and if you've lived with it you can see it written on peoples faces. My earliest memory is of being coaxed into ,my middle brothers room with a baggie full of hard candy, I was three. He and my grandfather were the only people abusing me then as far as I remember, but it all could have happened from my first day home from the hospital after my birth for all I know. When I was 8 my sister walked into the living room one saturday morning and found me watching cartoons while that brother had his head between my legs. She woke up my mom who called the police, he was arrested and I was supposed to see a counselor, but my mother insisted on going into the office with me and with my sister in tow, so I was asked to recount where did he touch you?. And how did that make you feel? And all of that crap with my mom and sister sitting there, I rememebr my sister playing with her barbie and pretending she couldn't hear anything that was said. So I went once more and the lady said it would just be me and her and that we would play a board game, I remember being excited that I would get all of her attention, but when the appointment came, she never mentioned the game and was back to how did that make you feel? So I never went back, that really hindered my future chances of healing with a counselor because I thought after her that they were all full of crap.
So my brother was in prison for 4 years and not only did they make me go to visit him in prison with them every week-end, so he could glare at me from across the table, after being patted down by femlae guards in a room full of women, where we all got felt up, but my dad started having oral sex with me almost instantly after the other bastard went to prison. I feel really pissed off that he saw me as an easy victim , he knew I hadn't told for all those years, so I probably woulnd't tell on him. But he was my dad, he was supposed to feel horrible that someone had hurt his little girl, and vow to never let anyone hurt me again but instead he took up where the other had left off, and so did my younger brother. I say younger, but I was the youngest of five, my parents had me and my sister late in life, so the middle brother who abused me first was 13 years older than me and the younger was 7 years older than me. These were all grown men. My brother sodimized me in the basement when I was 10, and gave me a bag of potato chips afterwards because I complained that it hurt, another time he gave me a dollar to give him a blow job, but usually, I got nothing but an icky feeling,and alot of anger. The last time anyone abused me I was 19. I had been living alone for a year and had a boyfriend, I remember I went to visit my parents and as I left my dad hugged me and put his hand over my breast. I was so sick I could harldy drive home, and collapsed into my boyfriends arms and sobbed like a baby. At 21 I split my home town and travelled. I met up with some folks called the rainbow famiily and my life began. I had never felt such unconditional love, I mean safe respectful love, I went to many gatherings and healed so much I felt like a newborn baby. Now I'm 32 and have a beautiful nine year old son, who I love beyond belief. Like I said earlier, I'm a really good mother, my whole focus is his health and happiness, and emotional growth. Everytime I do the right thing for him I heal alittle more. I have to admit that when I was pregnant I was really afraid i would feel sexual towards my own child, I was so afraid that when I first found out I was pregnant I tried to induce an abortion with herbs, but it didn't work. So I resolved that I would devote my life to being healthy for my child, and believe me there is no greater nor more noble task than healing. For yourself certainly, but also for the people who share your life, in my case my son, because I've yet to find anyone that I trusted enough to be myself with. I tell him that the first 18 years of my life were bad but that I'm in charge of the next 50 or more. We're only children for a little while, and then we have many many years of self directed experiences. Noone is in control but us. So I try, and I want you to try also to not forget maybe, I know that can't happen, but always remind yourself that every chioce from now on is supposed to be yours. don't let those fuckers win again. We lived thru it once, theres no point in living thru it again.
The best revenge I can think of is success. I know the abusers in my life work menial jobs,and aren't as educated or enlightment as me, not to say I've attained enlightenment, I'm far from it, but I have a good life, even as a single mom, whos stressed about money and school, my life is so much fuller than any of theirs. I have interesting friends who love me, and I have seen and experienced many amazing things. I love men and sex and know that somebody will come along who can see beyond my wierdness with men and love me just like I am. I know this is long, but bravo for you if you read the whole thing.
Peace, and smile...
by terri on 12 Feb 2004
Here it is as you asked for; the best as I can amidst my troubles and ill health. I am trying to share this in as orderly a fashion as I can, but lets
start by saying that I was adopted out by the time I was 2 yrs of age and at age three I had a horrible case of the measles that caused my partial deafness and other health problems; because of being deaf
and being forced to attend hearing schools where the teachers were not trained or equipped to help handicapped students-I suffered greatly.
And I withdrew to read and read and devour books and loved occult arts and anything unusual. I was reading before I was 5 yrs of age, I had several neighbours that were molesting me, and training me in the satanic covens; I dont blame my parents for being preps, but for not protecting me much better. I
found out later when I found my birth mother she was a breeder and I was dedicated to Satan when I was 7 days old and was thus the Anointed Daughter leading the victims like lambs to the slaughter but now I am free because of the Living Water!
By the time I entered into 7th grade; we had 3 teachers that helped us study our dark arts; one was a male with whom I had sexual relations-remember-I
was deaf lonely and any attention was better than none plus I was training and rising fast to my ranks. Two of the teachers were females one the wife of a Protestant pastor(theyre now divorced) and the other was fired after a few years teaching history at school because of being caught in having sexual
relations with a few of the male students! When I became 13 I received my High Priestess Initiation; my birth father was there and for awhile it just did not connect that he was my birth father - it seems he was always there; (my birth mom told me she gave me up for adoption to try and protect me BUT it didnt work I was found and followed and trained and used anyways. After awhile we Satanist pretty much ran and owned the schools. I LOVED my rank and power and authority I had at the time; I did NOT like nor appreciate the
humiliations or disciplines or sacrifices; after awhile I, still to this day, can't always block out the screams of the tortured. We would meet in an abandoned school house near by. We would leave the school walk thru the woods to a one room school that was used as a storage area and for us to meet we kept many of our crafts stuff underneath lose floor boards and hid our pentagrams underneath old carpeting.
In the 70's near 1972 the Jesus People movement started coming into being and a few students at our high school in Walton Indiana started speaking in tongues and going around praised the lord and saying things like Jesus loves you, man! One Way-Jesus! Hell No we wont go heaven yes we'll be blessed! As if that was not bad enough-we got a new Asst Principal named John that would start walking OUR demon ruled all ways praying and carrying a Bible! What WAS this? How
DARE he interfere with OUR rulings and powers???
But God had plans-mighty plans. My cousin invited me to a Bible Club
Meeting and saying that her mom said she should invite me since we were cousins and poor lil ole deaf me (yeah right) and so I went. My cousin shared a dream that was troubling her, and I interpreted for her and the guest speaker was a spirit filled lady named Mary who has since died; she asked me "are you a witch?" inwardly I laughed and laughed...Oh lady, if you ONLY knew! For you see, witches dont normal believe there is a Satan but Satanist do! Most witches believe their powers for good and drawing down the moon and all that and as ye harm none do what thou wilt is the whole of the law sort of teachings...
But you know what? From that fall when I met Mary in 1972 till May 4th 1973; she either called me wrote me or came and visited and spent time with me or all of the above; she was a BRAVE woman to take on the forces of hell; in later years she would tell me; "if I had only known what I was getting into-I wonder if I would have done so - rushing in where angels fear to tread!" Because of her obedience to the Holy Spirit's leadings and obeying him; because of her spiritual warfare prayers; Christian books started appearing in my demon
Run Bay Run by Nicky Cruz was the lst and his parents were into Wicca and Sanitaria and so I related to that one and I wrote and asked him questions and he spent a lot of time counselling me and encouraging me to turn my life over to Jesus that "if he could do it and still be living-so could I!" Other books
such as A New Song by pat Boone, The Other Side of the Coin by the Happy Hunters. And 9 O Clock in The Morning by Dennis and Rita Bennett; mom and dad Bennett spend many hours writing me and answering my questions as did everyone else and they helped me on my own inner healing journeys once I surrendered to Jesus...
On may 4th 1973; I was already in a p'o'd off mood due to a failed coven meet the night before and one of my bodyguards Rick (he is now a double amputee from strokes. diabetes complications and goes thru kidney dialysis 3 times a week and waiting on a new kidney transplant sigh and still a pretty strong Christian amen) came to me and said my name was announced on the inter com and I was needed in the Office so I went into Dr.John Myerss office-this new asst. Principal and there was Mary weeping and they were holding hands and I guess praying and I thought "Oh brother!".
Then she looked up at me and Rick and said; "if you don't accept Jesus this day you will die!" I was like cool! I'll get my rewards from Satan; but then Rick started bawling and accepted Jesus right then and there and I thought-ok youre our next sacrifice! Then Mary had the audacity to bind up MY demons and rebuke them telling them to leave me alone so I could have a clear head and not be interfered with and I broke and accepted Jesus; a week later I received the Holy Spirit Baptism but Thats another story!!! :)
It took years before I realize that I had coven trained alters that were causing me to lose time and still participate at rituals; and in 1990 I started my journey towards healings and integrations. Now I am here to expose the works of darkness...I am sorry for any of you who might recognize me and I asked your forgiveness for ever hurting you in Satans name I ask you to be free of this part of me in the name of Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TEE HAS COME A LONG WAY AND ENDURED MUCH ABUSE BECAUSE OF HER PAST,
BUT JESUS HAS SET HER FREE AND THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO WE,
PRAY FOR TEE, MPD CAME IN THROUGH THE TERRIBLE ABUSE.SHE IS
INCREDIBLY CLEVER AND AMAZINGLY FREE CONSIDERING!GLORY TO GOD.
by teeon 11 Feb 2004
Hi, my name is Racheal. I'm 17 years old and like many of you, I am a victom of rape. This all started when I was 14 years old when my boyfriend at the time made me feel uncomfortable with all the sexual things we did, of course I am telling u this side of my story through the eyes of a 14 year old, as my memory only holds such visions and words to express these advents. After splitting up with him my life turned down hill from there, I was raped at the age of 15 and molested by my uncle in the same year. So what makes my story any different to yours? Well this year I actually confrounted my rapist in the hope that I could being my recovery... I got so sick of not being able to trust anyone, not being able to have sex without flash backs... and it was the flash backs that made me feel like an utter slut, I felt as though I deseverd such feelings so I began to do it more and more, and it eventually got too much for me too handle.. So I finally did it, on new years eve 2004. Seeing him was bad enough, speaking to him didnt justify anything, it only made me confused. He told me "my story was crazy, I had it all wrong.." ....as I was passed out at the time I guess he could tell me anything and I would have to believe it... but the thing is, I remember him pulling out of me, putting on his clothes and running away after I'd regained consiousness... But then on the other hand, maybe my mind has decided that is wat happened and I'm believing it all in my head? Please, email me and give me your thoughts... I'd also like to give a big shout out to everyone who visits this web site (great website isnt it!!) plz, dont be shy to share your stories, its a great help...trust me, I did it.
by Rachealon 11 Feb 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.