I am a 22 year old student from New Mexico. Today I have decided to no longer dance in the darkness. I was raped almost four years ago at a high school party. Alcohol was involved and I felt I contributed to my own assault, especially since after it had happened he told a lot of people the next day. I was confused and convinced myself that those who rape do not tell people and parade in gossip about it. Since then I have felt alone and in darkness. I am tired of trying to keep myself together in one piece. I have gone off to college and since left that small town. I am trying to cope and break free. This was my first step.
by Caraon 11 Mar 2004
I really find it hard to talk about this. I have written it down before in utter disbelief that what happen to me is in fact RAPE. I was assualted by a really good friend, or so I thought, on May 27,2000. I had always had a crush on him and he knew it he teased me about it all of the time. but this particular night I was at my best friends house as usual, because that's where he stayed,he was her cousin. As usual we would play nad wrestle and have food fights. This night was just like and other time that I had stayed the night. we went into his room to chill and watch movies, mind you everyone had gone to bed at this point. he had never given me amy reason to believe that he would hurt me. I 'll never forget it it was 1:27 am and we were watching a movie called sleepy hallow: as we layed in his bed. he was drinking and smoking marajuana, and I was laying in his bed drinking some ocean spray cranapple juice when he leaned over and tried to kiss me. I asked him what he thought he was doing. he looked at me and said " girl you know you like me". I said so what that got to do with any thing. then he roled over and laugh. so we continued to watch the movie. next thing I knew he had his hand up my shirt touching ny breast. I hit his hand and told him to stop it and that what he was doing wasn't funny . he just laughed at me and continued to do it any way. so I hit him and said cut it out. that owrked for about 5 min. then he went up my skirt with his hand ahd inserted his finger inside me. I cried I looked at him and said" you know I'm a virgin why are you doing this?" his only rely is you know you want too. I tried to fight him off but he was just o strong.the next thing that I knew was that he was on thop of me he held my hands above my head and proceede to take off my underwear. I fought as best I could but nothing worked. All I could do was cry as he penetrated me
I just can't understand why I didn't cry out for help. then he had the nerve to tell me that I was being to loud so he covered my face with a musty pillow. he did what he had to do then I rolled over curled up in a ball and cried myself to sleep. the worst part about it is I don't think that he even remembers it the way it really happens. because the next day all he could say was Ican't believe that you gave it up to me.. I honestly cant believe that I'm about to say this but I blame the alcohol and the drugs because I honestly don't hink that he remebers it.. and I never really brought it up to him that I told him No11 that we cant do this
by Theresa on 10 Mar 2004
I was abused by a man I trusted in the early 1970's when I was in my early twenties. I cared a lot for him and truly enjoyed the sexual intimacy we shared. We had made love a number of times, all enjoyable. I knew he had problems with committment and seemed angry sometimes at women in general, but never saw this comming, as he had been gentle with me before.
This particular time we were making love and he turned me over on my stomach and entered me from behind. I was lying spread eagle, face down on the bed, responding, moving against him and with him. He stopped for a few seconds, and pulled out of me. I thought he had done so to keep himself from comming, and that we were going to continue making love when he regained his composure.
I lay there anticipating his reentry. He moved and I moved back towards him -but in an instant, I mean a blink of an eye - before I knew what was happening- he had placed and pushed the full length of his penis, without lubrication of any kind, inside my rectum. He raped me rectally, holding my arms down with his hands. I could not move or even speak, it hurt so bad. He did not move at first either once inside me.
When I finally found my voice, which I think he was waiting for, I asked him to please stop, to please take it out. I begged him to. He moved back and almost completely withdrew from inside me and I thought it was over. I started to turn over to face him when he pushed the full length of himself back inside me again. My insides..oh my God.
I don't know if he had at first withdrawn out of pity and then decided not to, or if it was an intentional move and he had never planned to pull fully out. Looking back I think it was intentional, he meant to enter me again. I screamed and began sobbing, Oh God, Oh God, please stop. The pain was so intense I still could not move.
He did not pull out, he seemed to like the fact the pain made me immobile and matched my immobility with his own unforgiving hardness stuck deep inside me. He lay on top of me saying, it's ok, it's ok. It wasn't.
I began to move finally, sobbing, struggling to get out from beneath him but he held me fast and beagn pushing himself in and out, in and out. He would pull almost all the way out but keep the head of his penis in and seemed to be watching my face, my emotional response to his movements. (my head was now turned to the side, I was desperate, crying, my nose running, pleading with him to stop.)
He pulled almost all the way out and asked me if that was better. I said it was, thinking he would have mercy and then he pushed himself fully in again, as far as he could make it go up inside me. He enjoyed filling me with pain. I was crying, saying no, no, please stop. He would say it's ok, it's ok. This happened over and over.
Then he seemed to loose all mercy and really began doing it hard. I thought I was going to die. If I moved away or struggled he would be crueler, pulling my head back by the hair and slamming his full self into me, listening to me scream. Then he would be gentle, saying its ok its ok while he was still inside me. When I stopped screaming he would ask me how it felt and make me describe it, give words to the pain, which I had a hard time describing beyond crying and saying it really hurt.
He would move inside of me and say, how does that feel, better or worse, made me talk to him the whole time he was violating me. He made me tell him I wanted it, that I liked it in my a*s. At first I would not and he would do it harder, saying that if I told him I wanted it or liked it he would be stop, but after I told him, he wouldn't. If I couldn't respond or was too slow doing so he would fuck me until I cried out. But he did not want me screaming, he wanted me verbal. Then he'd slow down and talk to me. He just used the intensity of the fuck to make me describe it, doing it hard to make me screma, slowing to a halt if I would calm down and tell him how I felt..
He made me tell him how the pain felt, wanted to know if any of it was pleasurable, if I liked just the head of it in or all the way in, things like that. I said anything he asked me to say before it was over. I prayed for him to come, begged him to. I thought I was never going to be able to function normally again, it felt as if my insides were being turned inside out.
I told him I thought he was ruining me, that I was going to die, that my insides felt like they were going to come out. He finaly came inside of me.
Then he held me and said how sorry he was while I cried, asking him why he had done what he'd done. He said that it would never happen again, that he loved me and did not want to hurt me. But he also said that if I ever told anyone about it I would always live in fear, because he would not stand to see his life ruined by me. That I would get over this but he would not- if I spoke out and that he would never let me rest if I told on him. He never directly threatened to kill me, but after what he had just done I thought he could be capable of anything. I never spoke of it until I disclosed to someone just a few years ago that I had been raped anally.
I have never again experienced the kind of pain I felt that night. I will never understand why he did this. I thought he cared for me. He was a lover, a friend whom I had trusted.
The strange thing in all this was the weird path taken over the next twenty years while trying to heal. Dealing with the shame without help or counseling made me repeat the experience, this time with me in control. I could control how my partner explored me and control any pain, no longer at someone else's mercy, in some strange way it was healing. I understand after counseling this happens sometimes with abuse victims, and why.
There is healing.
by hidden desireson 8 Mar 2004
I'm fifteen. About a month ago I got hurt real bad by my exboyfriend. He raped me. It hurt me to the point that I feel numb to all feeling I have. All except anger and hurt.
The first time of the tests and the questioning was the emergency room. I was there from 11pm-5am. The cops questioned me the whole time even
during my "exam". I had to write a statement at four in the morning. They WROTE for me, because I could hardly keep my eyes open and was crying all at the same time. I had an IV in my arm, too. I had to sign a lot of papers, maybe 5 different ones or so. Which I will tell you is REALLY painful when an IV is in the top of your elbow, so you can't bend your arm.
I've been to three gyno appointments, been touched where it brings painful memories of what happened…he doesn't even legally have to get
checked for diseases for what he did. His pants stay on. But I have to get checked and have blood taken for almost every STD out there. Because
he might have had it. But they don't check him to see what I could have gotten. It's illegal for them to test him. That's such bullsh*t.
I agree with the postings here that are angry at the so-called-"justice"-system. I've been through HOURS of questioning and testing. He has been to court twice. TWO DAYS of his life. Oh, and again in two months. Other than that, he has dealt with nothing. I talked to three different State Police, and they recorded me without telling me. They kept trying to trick me, just waiting for me to slip up my "story."...The woman I talked to said that I was only going to the police because I was mad that he left right after my he took my virginity but she was convinced that I was consensual. I wasn't. I hate the police force, all of them.
The way they make victims into the bad guy is wrong. That's why people don't speak out anymore.
I'm angry because my friends won't treat me like me anymore. I'm angry because I don't treat them like my friends. Same with my family.
Anytime someone touches me, I jump. Anytime someone says they love me, I tell them they're lying. I can't trust anyone now. I can't even trust me.
I used to write. I used to write all the time--songs, poems....anything. I can't anymore, because that part of me got closed up. It has
been since it happened. I hate it. I'm angry, because I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm angry because I'm hurt and no one wants to help. Or who does will only turn on me someday.
That's all I've got to say. Thanks to this site for helping me, though. You're amazing.
by Denaeon 8 Mar 2004
ok...well this is kinda hard for me... I am 15 going on 16 next month. I've been abused for about five years now (since I was 11). It all started after I started my period, I'm not sure why. My step dad started out slow, laying next to me at night. Running his hands over my body over my clothes while I lay there pretending to be asleep. At first I thought my mom was telling him to do this, testing me somehow. So I let him do it. I trusted him and my mom (still having in mind that she was having him do this to me) Well after awhile he would go a little further touching me under my clothes then actually fondling me (fingering me) then to oral sex. He's never raped me tho it has almost gotten to that point, somehow I am able to stop him. I am ashamed about how my body reacts to his touch. At times I still blame myself for what happens to me. I know that I let it happen and that I can stop how often it happens. When I say let it happen I mean I go into his room at night and lay in his bed. My mom is a CNA who works night shift. I don't know why I go into his room at night. I guess I've grown used to it and feel I need it or something. I have a little sister that I try to protect by placing myself in front of him to let him have his way with me. I figure if I let him have me then he won't be interested in my sister, even tho I have the feeling that he has touched my sister. I think that if I'm there he might leave my sister alone and she can live a normal life. He has abused me in many ways and for five years, but I have a feeling it will soon stop... Hopefully. Recently I have come part way out of the darkness by telling my very best friend. I'll never be able to put into words how glad I am that she is here for me. She is helping work towards reporting my abuser. And then after that I can get the help that I need. I am a survivor in the sense that I am still alive but I have yet to report him. PLEASE e-mail me if you have any advice or need any kind of support. I'm here and I believe I can help. My e-mail address: firstname.lastname@example.org Love you all Love me (Ginie)
by Ginieon 8 Mar 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.