I am 22 yrs old, recovering from 10 years of sexual abuse.
My abuser died 6 years ago of cancer. He was never confronted for what he did to me or other children. I move on each day, followed by a cloud of anger and resentment and failure, but I Move On, Nonetheless.
Looking back, it's like I knew this wonderful child who was neglected, abused & tarnished. I cared for her so much & yet I failed her, just as her parents, churchmembers, & teachers failed her. I helplessly had to watch her suffer. She is the part of me that died, & in my memory she is like a younger sister to me. I am angry at myself that I couldn't protect her.
I was molested by my grandfather for 10 years or more. From age 13 to as far back as I can remember. Even before I could comprehend what was going on, I can now realize that it was happening to me very early on.
I came out to my parents when I was 12. I was assured that my father would confront my abuser. At the same time I was silenced when I found out my cousin had come out with the same news & was sent away. Her parents didn't believe her.
My family ended up moving in with my grandparents & the abuse began again. This time my parents were angry when I came to them. My father said I'd made a liar out of him because he had taken care of the situation. So they began punishing me by grounding me to the house alone w/ my grandfather while the family went to dinners or shopping. The abuse continued. I even tried confiding in a teacher, & she met w/my parents & I was silenced again. My parents portrayed me as a juvenile delinquent at church, so I had no one else to turn to. I shut the world out for several years.
My grandfather died of colon cancer when I was 15.
Just last year, a week before Christmas, my father got on a religious trip & called me to "confess his heart" that he had never confronted my grandfather about the abuse. He had lied to me all along, & forced me to endure the shame & silence to preserve my grandfather's reputation & hold the family together.
I didn't speak to my father for 6 months after that phone call. Somehow we've managed to speak to eachother & have a decent, but artificial relationship. However, his complete disregard for my loss of innocence, dignity, respect for myself, love for myself, my entire childhood......is beyond my ability to understand & forgive.
I move on each day, followed closely by a heavy cloud of anger & despair. But I move on, nonetheless. Mainly because I know my abuser is no longer priviledged to be in this world with us. But even that comfort is bitersweet, because he got off scott free. A sparkling reputation all the way to the grave, and my childhood, my heart & soul carries a stain because of that.
by Michelle on 20 Mar 2004
I was 10 years old when one of my brothers raped me. I can't remember the details of how this affected me in the subsequent years, looking back on the events I think the dynamics of the family (denial) set the grounds for incest to happen. I spent years afterwards sleeping with lord knows how many men, feeling numb in my emotions and having a perpetual feeling of "unreality" it took years to find out that I was suffering from post traumatic shock syndrom and "splitting" away at any moment of the day. I worked as a stripper for 15 years, which seemed a perfect environment where I could feel in control whenever a man payed attention to me. I think unconsciously I chose this job because I felt empowered and desired which eventually turned into barely concealed contempt for men in general.
Years later I started having recurring dreams of what happened with excrutiating clarity......it felt like my past had FF (fast forwarded) to the present and was occupying the whole screen of my view of life. I felt frightened because my defense systems were falling appart before my eyes and I felt totally powerless to do anything about it. It was like being a sitting duck open to any attack. I looked for help because I was assisting to the dissolution of my former self while realising that I was becoming a different person but had no idea who this emerging person was....it was the crossroads. After years of therapy I have confronted my brother, I came out to my family and didn't receive the support and understanding that I thought would follow. I have contemplated initiating legal procedures but realized that I am not strong enough to withstand the consequences of that action. For the first time in my life, I've gained a sense of doing things for ME and making my own choices. Years ago I would not have known that I even had choices, let alone conceiving of them. Like my therapist explained at some point..
"You will still have problems of course.....but the difference is that you will see the sh_t from miles away instead of waking up and smelling it right under your nose! You will learn to adopt the little girl inside and to reassure her that she will not have to hide anymore." I am now in the process of learning my limits and how to say NO!!!
I am a survivor, I am here in the present and there is far more to me than I previously thought. I still hurt sometimes, but I am alive.
by Aurelie on 19 Mar 2004
I am 47 years old. My father, who molested me when I was a child, up until I was 18, passed away in May of 2003. To this day, I am still haunted by his acts of violation against me. I am now separated from my 3rd husband. I do not have any trepidation about going out into the world again.And I should! I know I want to act out sexually. I am still looking for love, to be held without sex necessarily being involved, so I usually open my heart up pretty easily and try to be sexually available at too early of a time When I meet someone. I have had tons of therapy, but I guess it has hit me this week, that I am not cured, because I STILL get obsessed with a man, I crave that male attention, and I am still setting myself to get hurt. Some of the men I have met are onto my way of relating. One guy has chosen NOT to be sexual and wants us to be friends!.
"How in the hell do you be friends with a man, without being sexual?" I ask myself. He says that I have been sexualized and feel I need that to get close to a man.
I know still have a lot of issues to deal with. There is a part of me that does not want to face it. The other part of me wants to quit...
Dancing in the Dark.
by Lynnon 15 Mar 2004
I didnt remember what happend until I was older. Not till I began to remember. My father was an abusive drunk. After he was done beating my mother, he would come in my room. I dont know how old I was. Younger than 11 is all I know know. Some people assume.. After he got sober, I was still a virgin. It wasnt there he raped me. Hes still in my life. Nobody knows, he refuses to admit he hit my mother, I think he really believes he didnt. So theres no point now that im almost 18. When I turn 18, I have some last words to say to him, then I'll never see or speak to him again. It doesnt end there though. I was raped by my first boyfriend when I was 13. He convinced me it wasnt wrong, that I led him on, and its what I was suppose to do. Near the end of that relationship, he became abusive. Years later I am seeing the effects of his abuse. I am sexually permiscuous and i dont know why, I feel like a dirty whore when ever I do have sex, but i still yearn for it, for that contact. It took me a long time before I learned a man can love me without having sex with him. I also have the eating disorder anorexia. I am not recovered and dont know if I ever can. I dont know how it started. It wasnt the media, or me being overweight at any time. My past has broken me down. I dont know how to be put back together. And it it still like a shawdow, following, and never giving me peace.
by Kim on 12 Mar 2004
If you can imagine, two little girls (sisters 8&11 holding hands, kneeling on the floor next to thier bed, crying, i remember saying to my little sister, If we just pray really hard at the same time GOD might hear us. Our prayer: dear GOD please ,please do not let our dad come home tonight. we dont want him to touch us anymore.
we will do anything! we love you god amen.....
I was 7 years old the first time my dad touched me
in a way that made me feel yucky. it started with a kiss on the lips that lasted way to long.
in four years it progressed to weekly fondling, he would always make me get under the covers and lick him, all the while saying what a good little lady i was. My mom came in to the bedroom once and said what in the hell are you doing. my dad said: shut up women, stop your whining, She SAID NOTHING ELSE ,walked out and shut the door. years of abuse could have been stopped!
I feel sick still about the time, my whole family sat in the living room watching the muppet show, he made me sit on his lap with a blanket over us, the whole time i had tears in my eyes and I
was trying so hard not to make noise, his finger was moving back and forth inside me during the whole show and NO ONE KNEW.
I started to lie and say i was sick, when he would want to show me how much he loved me. as he would call it.
then he started molesting my sister. when she told me i cried and even though i was only 11 I knew I had to protect her. So i was,nt sick anymore. I took her place so he would leave her alone.
THAT TAKES ME BACK TO THE NIGHT WE PRAYED WITH ALL OUR MIGHT.
At 9 am the next morning two police officers, were at our door telling my mom that her husband
our father was killed in a car accident.
So not only did i have to deal with the abuse I also believed I killed my dad and the guilt of bieng happy and sad about it.
I have and continue to struggle with the thought of my child hood. I am still at 34 trying to figure out things about myself. as a teenager It ate me up so bad I HATED my mom for allowing it to happen so I ran away at 13 and did drugs,drank
and slept with any man that showed me LOVE.
I had to forgive my mom my dad and myself, before i could began healing. and i,m ok
I AM A SURVIVOR!
by lauraon 12 Mar 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.