I came across this site looking for support. I rarely talk about what happened to me in great detail. I have told people before that I was raped or abused but I hardly ever tell how it happened. I started therapy recently and for the first time managed to actually speak to someone face to face about my experience and not feel terrified of what they would think of me. I am in my mid twenties right now but the abuse I suffered was as a child. I was nine years old and living with my mother. My father had died a few years before and my mother pretty much hated me. She worked various part time jobs but always managed to get fired from them. She drank and did drugs and had a habit of dragging strange men home all the time. A different guy every night, some would come back and some I never saw again. I don't really know if she had gotten money from any of them but I do know that she got her drugs and booze off many of them. One guy that she brought home though stayed for quite a while. I will call him Sid. Sid liked both men and women and it wasn't unusual for him to bring another guy or girl to the house with him. After a short time Sid ended up moving into our trailer. He was unemployed, a lush and physically abusive to both my mother and myself. It was not odd to see my mothers face bruised and bloody. She lost many teeth from the times that Sid had punched her in the face. He used to beat her in the head till she would pass out, he broke her nose once and once I came home from school to find my mothers arm in a cast. I asked her what had happened and she said Sid. Thats all she had to say. It ended up that Sid would watch me while my mother was at work. Most of the time he would sit on the couch and get drunk, other times he would get pissed for no reason and he would start to hit me, sometimes with his hands, sometimes with an object. The wooden yard stick that my mother kept behind the stove was his favorite. We had a gas stove too and he loved to threaten me by trying to force my hands over the fire till I would scream, then he would let go of me and I would run away. He lived at our house for about two months before the first time that he actually abused me sexually. I walked into the living room and he spotted me. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I had to use the toilet so he told me to go on to the bathroom. When I was done he called me into the living room and told me to sit on the couch. I told him that I was tired and wanted to go to bed so he waved me off but I remember him watching me as I walked out of the room. I next remember hearing him walk into my bedroom. I turned to ask what he wanted but he grabbed me suddenly and forced me face first onto the bed, pinning my arms behind my back. I screamed because I thought he was going to break my arms. I was scared and I remembered thinking that a beating was coming. I remember thinking, what did I do now? I was good, why is he doing this? But I wasn't prepared for what he did next. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. The next thing that I remember is feeling him pushing against me. I screamed then because of the pain. After a while I passed out, he did what he wanted to me and when he was done he went back in the living room and popped open a beer. I woke up on the floor later, crying, my face stained with tears and a horrible pain in my back side. I went to the bath room and washed the blood and his mess off me and when I came back out he told me, without even looking at me, that if I told anyone that he would kill me and my mother both. I ran back to my room and cried myself to sleep. The next night he came again, and the night after that. It became a regular thing, I was too scared to tell anyone but one fateful night mother happened to come home early and caught him. She called the police and he was arrested but to this day she told me that it was my fault that it happened because I knew he liked men too and that I acted to sexy around him. A nine year old and I was too sexy? I don't see my mother now, and I am not sure if I can forgive her. I just wish she could have held me and told me that she was sorry.
by noonessonon 3 Nov 2005
I was raped 10 years ago by my boyfriend at the time. He was my first boyfriend. We were together for 3 years from when I was 17 to 20 years old. The relationship was abusive during the last 2 years we were together. I stayed in the relationship because I wanted to work it out. We had been best friends prior to getting together. He was the one who finally ended the relationship. We still spent time together and upon occasion we would have sex. The sex we had while broken up made me feel horrible about myself. I wanted it to stop. One time he was trying for sex with me again. I told him no and that it made me emotional. He went ahead and did it anyway. I cried until he stopped. I immediately grabbed my things and proceeded to walk out the door. He did not stop me or even acknowledge I was leaving. On my drive home I realized the definition of what had just happened. I was hysterical but didn't tell my parents (I was still living at home for college.) I eventually told some of my friends who were also friends of my ex. Most of them believed me and disassociated themselves from my ex. There was one friend in particular who really got involved. I was not in therapy but she provided some therapy for me. She taught me it was ok to be angry with my ex. I held her in such high regard. As the years passed she became abusive towards me in a similar my ex had been. Putting me down and making comments about anything about me...the way I talked, the way I walked, what I wore, the list goes on and on. I never stood up to her out of fear of upsetting our group of friends. It turned out that she had begun dating my ex! They are now married. I don't understand. Needless to say...she is no longer in my life. So, I have 2 friends who betrayed me. However, my true friends have stuck by me. They no longer associate with my ex and his new wife.
My life now is truly wonderful. I have a brilliant career, loving friends and family, and a relationship with a man I never thought I deserved. We have been together over 2 years. He is real and caring. I vowed to myself I would never tell him of my rape. I had told other boyfriends in the past and the information was not well received. However, a few weeks ago my story leaped out of my mouth to my current boyfriend. This was purely accidental but I had been thinking of the rape a lot recently. My relationship with my current boyfriend has had many good times and has also had its hard times. I have been in therapy for a year now for anxiety (I only mentioned the rape once to my therapist but made it clear I did not want to talk about it. I was solely there to focus on my anxiety.) After I was in therapy for 6 months my boyfriend offered to join me so we have both been in therapy together about 6 months. It has worked wonders for us. We have gotten so much closer and understand each other more. The therapy I've had so far with my boyfriend has helped me to feel safe enough to let my story out to him. He has been through so much with me. I've have experienced misdirected anger toward him. Now that he knows about the rape he understands why I sometimes get so angry. He has been very patient and supportive. We are going to therapy in a week. This will be the first session where I will talk about my rape in detail. I'm looking forward to the therapy and I'm lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend to be there when I go through this therapy.
In the 10 years since my rape I have had many intimacy problems. I've pushed people away. Some have stayed away but my real friends are still here. I've had all the emotions mentioned in this web site. It happened 10 years ago but it is still as fresh and memorable as the day it happened. I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with it and not let it control me. I want to be able to acknowledge my anger but not direct it towards anyone I love any more. I believe I will triumph over this. I just have to deal with it face to face. No more suppressing it. It jumped out of me. Now it is out there and I have to beat it. 10 years is too long to feel insecure and doubtful of myself. I want to finally enjoy all my successes in life. Despite all the pain I've felt, I have really come a long way. If I can do it...so can other women.
by Elsaon 2 Nov 2005
I was 17 years old and I had just broke up with my boyfriend. A girlfriend of mine had asked me to go on a weekend road trip with her to Troy State University in Troy, AL to visit her boyfriend who was on the baseball team, and stay in his dorm with two other room mates. I was feeling very liberated because I had just broke up with my boyfriend for cheating on me with a friend of mine. So I said yes. We got there and had a blast at first. The dorm room was a dump, and I had to sleep on the couch. But everyone was nice, and I felt safe with my friend and his boyfriend who i had known for a few years. We went to a game the first night we were there to watch her boyfriend pitch. The next night we decided to go to a party after that nights baseball game. we showed up at his trailer where the whole team was drinking and partying and having fun. I remember that some of the guys there were considerate of me, by making sure I didn't drink too much, but my tolerance for alcohol was very low since I was not much of a drinker. I vaguely remember being one of the only girls there. I ended up drinking a lot of alcohol that night and remember leaving with a guy and making out with him outside of his trailer, but I stopped and told him I didnít want to go any further with him because we had just met. My girlfriend and her boyfriend drove up and asked me if i was ready to go back to the dorm. I thought that would be a good idea since I knew I had drank too much and should turn in and call it a night. The next thing I remember after we got back to the dorm was sitting on the bed of one of the room mates at the dorm in his room. He then closed the door, turned up the radio really loud and proceeded to get undressed and lay me down on his bed. I definitely remember saying no many times when he started to put on his condom and have sexual intercourse with me. His body was so heavy as he was on top of me, I could barely move. He took all of the breath out of me so that I could not scream. The next day I remember having a bad hang over and we were getting ready to leave to go back home, I remember how humiliated I felt as this monster who had just raped me the night before didn't even look at me or acknowledge me as he left the dorm that morning to go to practice. I was very angry at that moment not only at myself for not having the confidence to stand up for myself and say something , but also because there were other people in that room who knew what had happened and never said anything either. Not even my girlfriend. I suppressed this abuse for many years. I had gone to a therapist for stress related matters years later when it all came back to me. I recalled years later that just by the way he had this routine of flicking the radio on and turning it up loud and grabbing a condom from his night stand that I was not his first or last attempt to have intercourse with a drunk teenager. Which is why I will regret it for the rest of my life that I did not stand up for myself and scream at him for what he did that day.
Hopefully other young girls will not be as naive as I was at that age. Hopefully they will have the self confidence that they need to stand up for themselves and help to prevent rape from happening to others.
by Beckyon 2 Nov 2005
Hi. I have read some of the stories here and I can clearly see that I am not alone in having suffered severe incest/sexual abuse.
I want to start my story by saying that I am now 46 and a survivor. I come from a large family. I have 3 older brothers and then there are us 5 girls. My twin sister and I are the oldest. My twin sister and I were born very premature. She was totally normal, but I was not so lucky. I have a mild form of Cerebral Palsy that only affects the way that I walk.
My father started to molest me, because he thought that due to the CP that I was retarded and that I would never remember and that no man would ever want me for a wife anyway. Well at the age of 7 my oldest brother entered the picture. It was in the summer time, so I guess he just turned 13 years old. Well he got me alone in the house as all the other kids were outside playing in the neighborhood somewhere. I had carbuncles on my legs, so I did not feel like going outside to play due to the pain of them. My brother told me that he had something neat to show me in his bedroom. Well being a curious little 7 year old girl I went with him. He handed me a smut magazine and I told him that I did not like looking at the pictures. He threw the book on the floor. I went to leave, but he told me to stay and he handed me a candybar. I ate it and was listening to him. He acted so nice to me. He asked me if I knew what mommy and daddy do at night when we were asleep. I knew really nothing about sex, so I told him no. Oh he decided that he could not tell me, but more rather he had to show me. I guess I was stupid and did as he told me and then he turned the lights out. I was all up on his bed naked. He got onto the bed and immediately on top of me and forced my legs opened. He held my little hands over my head and he raped me. I screamed and cried and told him to stop that he was hurting me. It did not last long, but it sure did hurt badly and when he was done, he got off of me and turned on the light. I did when he was finished and I saw the blood. I could hardly move from the pain. He cleaned me off. I was crying and I told him that I was going to tell mom that he had hurt me. He told me that if I told that mom would beat me black and blue for letting him do that to me and then she would hate me forever. I said to him that he made me bleed down there and he laughed at me and said that you always bleed the first time you do it. I still did not realize that he had raped me. I know I was scared to tell mom, so I told nobody. Well he told me that he would never do that to me again and that turned out to be a lie. About a week later, he got me alone in the house again and forced himself on me again. I knew there is a problem here big time. I got to where I would definitely not be in the house alone, no matter how sick I was. You see I also have Lupus. Well he then started coming into my bedroom during the night and getting me and telling me that if I dared to make a sound that he would break my neck. This went on for several months at least 4 times a week and I felt dirty and ashamed. I
I managed to grow up and was out of that house at the age of 16. I worked and went to school and got my diploma. Well that is my story of my so called childhood. Thank you for letting me tell my story.
by Kathleenon 2 Nov 2005
When I read the stories on this website, I feel like I should not even be posting here, because my incident feels so small. But then if it really was that small, then what am I doing at a site like this? Well, I only remember my father touching my breasts a couple of times, hugging me from behind so that I could feel his erection on me, and sticking his tongue in my mouth. He doesn't do it anymore. I don't even think this counts as sexual abuse.. does it? I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing most of the time, and using this to make myself a victim. The thing that scares me the most, is that I'm so sexual nowadays. Sometimes I feel like it's the only thing that I have... Anyway, thanks for listening to my story. It was sort of pointless, but.. thanks.
by Invisibleon 2 Nov 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.