I don't know why I'm doing this, as I've never felt the need to before. But recently, in an acting class, I tried to force myself to confront my demons, and realized that the more I talk about it, the easier it will become. So here goes.
I'm 21 now. The summer I was sixteen, I worked as a lifeguard at a private pool in Brooklyn, NY. There I met a lot of really nice people, and we decided to have a party to get to know each other better. A lot of people came, and a lot of people we didn't know come. The guy, I think, was a cousin of a friend of my boss. He was 23.
He was cute, older, and interesting. And the night had been going great. We drank a lot, played some drinking games, listened to some music, and just hung out. At one point we all went to the beach, and he and I had a great time skinny dipping, splashing around in the water and being drunk and silly. Normally I'm shy about my body, but under the cover of darkness, this was not a problem.
When we got back to the house the party was at, people began to fall asleep, pass out, and hook up with each other. The guy and I sat on the couch and talked a while before we started to kiss, and I was really excited. We eventually moved into a bedroom where we could get a little more privacy. He put on one of my favorite CDs and turned the music up pretty loud. When things began to get a little more heated, I pushed his hands away and told him to stop. Obviously, since I'm on this site, he didn't. I tried to roll out from under him, but he was stronger than me. I tried to fight him off, but he was bigger than me. I tried to scream, but he covered my mouth and the music was very loud. I tried to kick and bite him, but he just laughed at me as he held me down. He just kept smiling and laughing. He thought this was some sort of a game.
It felt so strange to have someone else inside my body, and it frightened me. I had thought my first time was going to be special and exciting, and that I would hear violins play in the background, or something cheesy like that. I wanted that. I didn't want some guy who was significantly older, bigger and stronger than me to climb on top of me while I was too drunk to defend myself and force his way into my body. I can still remember the way every minute of it felt. The way my skin crawled and I shivered, even though it was a hot July night. How sticky everything was, between the humidity, the sweat, and the semen. The way his breath smelled of stale vodka and was hot against my face and neck. The way he tried to kiss me. The way he tried to put himself in my mouth. The oral sex he gave me, while mocking me as I struggled. The way he entered every opening in my body that he could think of. The way everything hurt so, so much. And how scared I was and how I just wanted to die on the spot.
And then, though not soon enough, he decided he was done with me. He left me, nude and shivering in a pool of sweat and other bodily secretions, on my friend's bed. He dressed himself, and I curled into a fetal position, trying to cover as much of my body as I could. I kept repeating my friend's name, hoping she would come into the room. She didn't. He laughed at me. He told me he knew I liked it, so I could just stop pretending. He called me a slut. He called me a lot of things. I tried not to listen. He threw my clothes onto the bed and told me I should dress myself, before everyone else came and saw what a whore I was. He left. Somehow, I found my way into my clothes again, and managed to sleep, though not well. I kept waking up, convinced that someone was going to hurt me. And I kept crying.
On his way out, he must have told his friends that we had sex, but that I seemed to regret it afterwards. The next morning a lot of people teased me a little about hooking up with him, and told me that it was no big deal, and I was drunk and stupid and made a mistake. I showered and got ready for work. I have been a zombie ever since.
When I shower, I turn the water up as hot as it goes, to this day. I don't feel clean unless the water is scalding me. My skin turns red and takes almost an hour to return to its normal color after I shower. Sometimes I cut. I take sleeping pills to get to sleep and have nightmares and flashbacks.
I try to be strong about things, try to turn this into something good. I throw a fundraiser for RAINN every year during their "Happy Birthday, Tori" fundraising campaign. Last year we made $1,760, and next year we're looking to earn $2,500. I try to educate people, to let them know the things I didn't know when it happened to me. But there is a weight I carry, a rock in my stomach that still hasn't gone away, no matter how active I become. Sometimes, I think there is no healing.
That's all I really have to say for myself. I can't believe I just did this. It's very scary for me. However, I think this is going to help me to start to break down a lot of the Walls I've built around myself. There's no use being safe if you're still so unhappy. So I may as well take a few risks and see if I can get better.
Good luck to everyone.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.
by Malloryon 18 Apr 2004
I am 13 years old now. I had a friend that I loved like a brother. I trusted him more than anything in the world. I don't understand why a true friend would hurt me like he did.
When I was 11 I was at 6th grade camp. My so called true friend was there too. I won't mention his name because of cirtain reasons. Anyways, I was talking to him and some other good friends about where our beds are located. When I spoke I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was up to something.
That night I heard the door to my room open. I just thought that another girl sleeping in my room got up to go to the bathroom. I dozed back off. But when I woke up again He was sitting on me chest telling me that it was about time I woke up. He climbed inside of my sleeping bag with me and lifted my nightgown until my bra was showing. Then he told me everything was going to be alright and he pulled his penis out of his pants.
He pulled my underwear all the way down to my ankles. Of cource I was struggling to get him to stop but he was pretty strong. I wasn't excited; I was mad so I wasn't wet. So he had to force his penis into my vagina. It hut so bad I screamed. He covered my mouth, afraid that the people around me would wake up. He told me that if I made one more loud noise that he would hurt me even worse than I was hurting.
I was screaming, but he was covering my mouth and with all of those stupid heavy-sleepers, nobody woke up. He kept on pushing hard, each time it hurt worse. He was kissing the right side of my neck and sometimes he would suck my breast. I was beating and scratching his back, but he wouldn't stop. He just grabbed my arms so I wouldn't scratch anymore. I felt like killing him and then watching him burn in Hell.
After, like, 11 minutes he finally stopped. When he pulled "it" out, it hurt worse then when he put it in. I cried myself to sleep.
I hate Him. Every night at exactly 11:37 I get afraid to look at the clock until 11:48. Probably the time He was raping me. I didn't tell anybody except my friend Ahndrea, and my sisters, Crystal and Damica. I see him at school, and I have to go to the same high school as him too. I just cry sometimes. I thought he was my friend. He wants to be my friend. I am so afraid of him though, so I can't. Besides, he's claims to do it again since I told Ahndrea and he's gonna get me so good this time because he hates Ahndrea.
I have nightmares. My mom hears me cry in my sleep. She asks me what's wrong ans, so ashamed of lying to my own mom, I just make up another nightmare. Here I can tell the truth. Sometimes I feel like an alien and I don't belong here. Sometimes I feel like dying.
But I've read some of the stories on the wab and none of these people killed yourselves. Oh and if this is the website where you help seek help(no offense) please don't help me. I'll find it with the Lord.
by Chicaon 15 Apr 2004
I'm Joe and a neighbor sexually abused me when I was about 9. He was 4 years older and I just thought it was really cool that he would hang out with me. It started with him showing me my first playboy, and then my first porno movie. I thought this was really cool until that day when no one else was home. We were watching a porno and he said he wanted to try something, and took me to the basement. He took off his cloths and told me to [give him oral sex] like the girls in the movie did. I was kind of nervous but he said it would be fun so I did it. Then he told me to take off my cloths. I didn't want to but again he told me it would be fun and it would make me feel real good. I took off my cloths and laid down on the rug. He started touching me. He did this for a little while, and then said he wanted to do something else. He went to the bathroom and came back with a bottle of baby oil. He poured the oil on his penis and told me to rub it all over. I thought this was all he wanted to do. He told me to get on my hands and knees, when I felt him behind me I asked him what he was doing. He said ďdon't worry all you have to do is stay like that.Ē I figured this was ok...I was wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain of him anally raping me. It felt like it went on forever and when it finally ended I remember crying for a long time. He told me this was our secret and not to tell anyone. Well, this went on for about 3 years and I kept it a secret partly because I was afraid to tell, I thought it was my fault when it hurt, that I did something wrong. Anyway, I kept that secret till I was 20. I was having dinner with my mother and we were arguing about something, I don't even remember what, and I blurted it out. She sat there staring at me with a shocked look on her face, she had no idea and as soon as I said it I wanted to take it back. As you all know once that comes out it can never go back. That night I was screaming at my parents then went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and locked myself in the bathroom. I was sure this was it; I was going to kill my self. Iím not sure how long I was in there, I could hear my parentís voices but couldn't understand them, things seemed blurry. I finally pulled the knife across my wrists, I didn't feel any pain but saw the blood coming out. I sat down and thought it was over. I heard this loud pounding on the door that was different from before, it was the cops kicking the door in.
That was the start of 8 years of depression, self mutilation, drug and alcohol abuse, insomnia, attempted suicide and many hospitalizations.
I wish I could say that I'm doing better, that I'm healing and able to live my life but thatís not the case. In fact I feel that I'm worse now then I have ever been. I'm stuck in a deeper depression then I have felt in a long time. If I'm alone for just 1 minute I start planning how I can hurt my self, and the part that scares me is I think I know why.
I have been in therapy for about 6 of the last 8 years. I can talk about the abuse and any other problems...except the one secret that I have never told anyone. The neighbor was not the only person who molested me. When I was 11 my sister began having sex with me. When it started I didn't want to but I loved her and wanted to make her happy so I did what she told me and we ended up having sex, this happened about 6 times.
My whole life my sister was the one who looked out for me. I was the youngest and whenever our parents would fight she would always check on me and tell me it would be ok and even hold me till it was over. When I tried to kill myself she stayed with me at the hospital to make sure I was ok. Growing up I was closer to my sister than either of my parents. I'm afraid if I tell anyone about this it will cause trouble between us and she is the only family member I am close to but I'm also afraid if I don't deal with this I will never get over my problems and may not survive.
I cannot believe how hard this was to write. It's the first time I have really said it. If any one has thoughts about this my email is email@example.com
by Joe on 15 Apr 2004
When I was 11 I was raped repeatedly by my father. I had no mother as my parents were divorced. I didn't tell anyone as I was too ashamed to tell and I didn't think anyone would believe me. I had no contact with my mother so I couldn't tell her. During my childhood and up to when I turned 17 I had no confidence in myself and I hated myself because of a lot of problems with my father and stepmom I recently moved out of home. It wasn't until after a couple of months when I went on a camp that all the memories came back. I finally told someone and last week we finally reported it to the police. During the report I found out that my stepsister who lived with us when she was younger had also filed a complaint to the police for sexual and phyisical abuse but there wasn't enough evidence to have my father charged.
I don't know what's going to happen now and I'm scared as to what could happen,whether my father will try and hurt me once he finds out I told.The police also want me to see a pschiologists because I have blocked out certain things that they need for evidence. I guess I really need to talk to someone who has been through the legal side of things.
If anyone cna help my email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
by l.ron 15 Apr 2004
I must be fuc*ing stupid. I'm about to be 16 in a few days...but like two days ago, I was in Montanna with my auntie visiting some of her friend's..they had a cousin with them who is 29. We went to a city about 3 hours from their rez and stayed in a hotel because it was their little brother's 4th birthday...their 29 year old cousin stayed in the same room with me, my auntie, my cousins, and two other people. I stayed up with him talking about a lot of shit for like 5 hours...at the end of those 5 hours after we were both drunk, he started feeling on me with his foot under the table, why I let it happen I don't know why, then I kissed him and I let him touch me out in the hallway. Some lady walked by and he took off on me but he came back. I don't know why I let it happen though...how could I let it happen. He's twice my age almost, I remember telling him we couldn't be because he was too old and all he said was that he knew, but it didn't stop him. Dumb ass. I'm stupid too though, cuz he didn't make me do anything. I had a LOT of shit happen to me the whole time I've been growing up...molestation, rapes, people taking advantage of me when I was drunk, male and female..not all of them were particularly violent, but a lot of shit has happened..I was bulimic for a few years, used to burn myself everyday...but nothing can ever break me though, noone ever can. I'm a lot stronger than I once thought I was, because I'm still standing and I always will be. My email address is email@example.com, that's also my messenger name if anyone wants to talk. Someone please reply to me and give me their thoughts on this...why would I feel like I can't be with someone my own age? It's like I'm robbing the cradle if I am...it's weird.
by Lenaon 14 Apr 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.