He took my joy…and a million things along the way. Things I never missed, because I didn’t know I should’ve had them. And now, tainted, infected, I make truths of myself – that would not have been true – if I hadn’t made them of me.
Still confronted with the loss, surrounded by walls of smashed mirrors, dazzling glints and shifty shinings make my path a clear running agony. And all because a lusty teen fucked me when I was five. Have you any idea, how terrifying an ejaculation is to a five year old? How frightening the vocal to the come? This raping went unnoticed, my truths were relegated to secrets, slow release soulmines. Now I’m scared of families. I blame myself for fucking up my life but, the biggest crack in it was made way back then. And I keep feeding it. I don’t know I’m feeding it of course. But every time I feel life’s kick, the crack laughs like a glutton.
But that flaw made me. It built into me, the ability to feed it, it’s route to the taking. The thieving suck.
And all the sadness – what is it for? All these fears, stemming from a stupid uncle with no control or morals. I wonder how much I laughed before he kidnapped my innocence.
I am left with a tight bundle of triggers. Only the people who love me, find them. Unfortunately – only they feel the stings, as my edges fly and cut them where they stand. Each time I unfold. Each time I recoil. Packing it away – only to take everyone by surprise again.
The scars that run the deepest, are the ones we barely know. And how fraughtly we try to save ourselves. How desperately we put up shields, that fall when we most need them. And when the time for liberation comes – how scared will I be?
And of him – the twisted maker of my sickly person? A Frankenstein. A Dracula. A sad little man. His secrets rotting his marrow as salvation fades away. My secrets burn under the pressure of this catharsis.
I can hope that someday, over some jaded rainbow, I can see myself, as almost unmarked as I was before someone elses selfish fuck, dyed my soul with ash.
Don’t raise a glass to me, not until I stand alone with a smile that says ‘Today…it doesn’t matter. Today I’m not undone.’
I’ll keep the secret, just to prove myself stronger in each second, than he ever was in all his breath. And then I’ll nod as if to say …’Fuck you…I survived.’
by Arondeanon 25 Apr 2004
I don't know where to begin. It happen to me about ten years ago and it still affects me. This guy who I thought really liked me surprised me like no other person has ever before. He was a law school student and I was an undergraduate student at the local university. Many nights we would go to his house (mamma's house) to study. The night he raped me was like a bad dream. I couldn't believe that it was really happening to me. I thought the night would end like so many other nights. We would on occasion have sex when we both agreed, but this night he told me that he hear that I had sex with another guy and his friend. He thought he had the right to abuse my body because he thought I was a whore. He is a very controlling person. I've hear him verbally abuse other women on the phone but I never thought he would treat me that way. I was wrong, he push me down on the floor in his mother's den. He bent me over and sodomized me for what felt like an half hour. I cried the whole time and begged him to stop. When he finished he rushed me out of the house because he thought I would wake up his family. On the way back to my house he laughed at me, as to say that's what sluts get. He stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted something for the burning. All I could do is cry. Before this happen he took pictures of me in my panties and bra and said he will pass them out, I didn't know he was planning to rape me in the near future. The saddest part about the whole story is that I never told a soul for years. I told one person who I trusted because they told me that he was going around telling other people that I'm a slut and whore. And I will do it with anyone. Now after over 10 years later I still think about that night and ask myself what did I do wrong? I have suppressed the feelings of hurt and distrust for some time now, but this week I couldn't because I saw him on T.V. He is a local official near the city where I live. He comes across as this saint, it makes me want to throw up. I hate him and wish that he would die. I can't beleive that I wish someone would die but its true. He will never know the pain that he has caused me. I'm married now with a good life but I will never forget this person and the aguish he caused me. The hardest part about all of this is that I never told. I should have pressed charges but I was afraid that because we were having causal sex no one would beleive me. But as of today I am a survivor!!!!!! So please if this happens to you don't be afraid. Tell someone and get help!!!!!
by Frieda on 22 Apr 2004
I was about 11, when my brother's best freind decided to play with me... I thought that he was so cool, and I adored my older brother. I can't say I am like you, because I was never actually raped. But the games were enough. I thought it was OK, that he was a good guy.. So I let him;
I guess I got scared, because I ran to my Mom crying and told her. I guess what really hurt was that she never believed me, just made the rule, no "alone" time. I know for a fact that she never said anything to him about it or even checked it out because he came to play after that, too. But only a few times. I was so confused.. I thought maybe I had done something wrong since my Mom didn't say anything and he never raped me.
I thought maybe he was right, and maybe I just wasn't good enough.. Thank God we moved. But I still have problems, a little. I've built a humongous fortress around me.. I haven't cried for a very long time; which again makes you think, there is something wrong with me. But I'm with a guy now, a good guy. We just take it day to day, no promises, but one of the strongest bonds ever. He knows I don't need a protector, but he's a pair of non-grabby arms to hold me, just hold me at night.
by Jes on 20 Apr 2004
I was 14 when I met this guy. He was 17. He was the best friend I had. I helped him through all tough times, and he helped me through mine. I had always had a crush on him, but I wasn't going to ruin it by telling him.
My school had a dance on Valentine's Day. I didn't know who else to take, so I asked him. He said yes. It was my first date. I was so excited when he picked me up. We went to the dance and had a great time. I felt closer to him than ever. About two weeks after the dance, we asked me to come over. I didn't think anything of it and I went.
When I got there, he put in a movie and we sat on his bed. Again, he was my best friend, I didn't expect it to happen. He leaned in during the movie and kissed me. All the feelings I had for him rushed through me. I was so excited. He liked me! We talked for a little while, then he offered to get me a drink. He left the room and I sat there. I was at a loss for words. He came back with my drink, and we just sat there in silence. I laid back on the bed, and he laid down beside me. I really don't know how it happened, but when I looked down, he was taking off my pants. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't talk. I guess I was in shock.
He stuck "it" in me. It hurt so bad. I started to cry. This was my best friend, why was he doing this to me? I thought he cared about me! After about 20 minutes, he pulled out. I was in so much pain. I told him to take me home, and he did. We stopped talking after that. He just recently started talking to me again and I really didn't know what to do. I'm still hurting, I mean it's only been a month! I really don't know what to do. He still talks to me and he stills asks my advice. I don't want to talk to him, but then again, I just don't want to lose my best friend!
If anyone has anything to say...you can e-mail me at email@example.com
by Malloryon 20 Apr 2004
I was sexually abused twice in a public pool by the son of a family friend. I hate him more than anything in the world. I want him to die a slow and painful death.
by jendraon 19 Apr 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.