My story started April 27th, 17 yrs ago. It was 3 days before my 15th birthday and I had'nt a care in the world. I was walking home for my lunch at 12.15, before I knew it I was grabbed into an alley way just off a busy main road. I was stuck in the situation every woman (let alone young girl) dreads. I was raped. I don't know for how long I was in the alley, I have no recolection of the exact time, all I know is that it felt like an eternity. My rapist cut my arm and held the kinfe to my throat and told me if I did not do as I was told he would cut my throat. This is not all he did with the knife and I was sure that I was going to die. He kept telling me to look at him and be a good girl. All I knew as a young girl about rape is what I had seen on the tv. The fact that if I looked at his face he WOULD KILL me because I had seen his face and could identify him if I had to. With this in my mind I refused to look at his face. To this day I could not tell you what he looked like, however I can tell you what he sounded like and the horrid, horrid, sick smell he had. Both of these haunt me to the extent that I cant go into pubs or clubs due to the smell that brings back unwanted memories.
I kept my dirty little secret to myself for over a week before telling. The police were involved and statement was given. Once the police had gone my mother sat me down ant told me that I was never to mention IT again. I was to go to my room and when my father came in from work she would tell him what had gone on and that would be it. I remember seeing the look on her face was one of disgust, horror and shame, and all that I wanted was from her was to be held, held by someone who loved me. This never happened because my mother died when I was just 18. The situation WAS NEVER mentioned again. I am just starting to deal with this after such a long time. I don't know how to approach IT, who to turn to, what to do with how I feel and how I am destroying my life. I cant stand the feeling of emmbarassement, shame, of being dirty, disgusting, angry, giulty, humiliated and the silence and the secrets. I have not slept properly since that day. I sleep walk and find myself in the bathroom, in corners of my home curled up in a tiny ball. I have even cut my hair in the shower while sleeping. I feel like a freak, a big shamed, scared freak. I feel like a lost child. Due to a change in my home life I am making new friends and dont know how to trust them or talk to them. In a book I've recently read there was I line that stuck in my mind "How do I tell people that I don't know, people who may become close friends? If I don't tell them it makes it a seceret, something to be ashamed of. When I do tell them, they make it worse". This I have learned to be true from the reaction of my new partners. I don't know what to do, can someone please help me?
TO ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE SURVIVED AND HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH THIS YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF. So should your friends and family. Good luck to you all.
by jayneon 18 May 2004
When I was only 9 I remember when my father put me on the ground and raped me. This is the first time I spoke of it.
by torn up on 17 May 2004
My story is not as dramtic as some of the other stories I have read, but I think it is important for everyone to know. I was about 6 years old and I was at a public pool in my neighborhood, when I was called over from the 1 foot pool by about a 25 year old man. He started to talk to me. He said "do you remember me? I took you over in the deep part of the water before, and I know your dad". So I said yeah, I really didnt remember him. I just wanted him to leave.(I didnt feel comfortable with him talking to me)Then I sat on the steps in the water. He started to close his eyes and float on his back. So I tried to hurry and leave to go to my sister, when he called me back into the pool. I thought I would hurt his feelings.(because I was only 6) so I went back in to the pool. By that time he was leaning aginst the side of the pool under the life guard stand, and he sat me on his knee and put his hands on my knees and started to move them up closer to my vagina and started to feel on me. I started to cry and I said "let me go" and he said "hold on Im almost done I will leave in a miute" and I started to cry louder so he let me go. While he ran into the mens looker room, I ran to the diving boards crying and I told my sister. She and her friends went looking for him.(I guess so she could kill him)we couldnt find him so we went to the pool office and they called the cops. They had reconized him from before and said him name on the intercom. He came out a little later and looked around. I told my sister and her and a friend went after him to hit him and the cops got him and took him to jail. I got flash backs and nightmares after that but I'm 12 now and it doesnt bother me much.
by Nikkion 17 May 2004
I was raped at a party when I was 14 by an older boyfriend. His name was Johnathon M. Him and his friend Dave raped me in an upstairs bedroom above the party. Both him and his friend raped, forced and made me have intercorse with them. I never told anyone but one of my closest friends. To this day he still thinks he didnt do anything wrong. Even though him and his friend held me down while I repeadedly said no over and over again. You see, I was a virgin and in my family and religion the girl is suppose to wait until marriage. Thats one reason why I didnt want to call the police because my first instict was that my parents would know and I dont want them to know. I have been getting counseling in secret from the school counseler so it helps. I still have nightmares and hot flashes because I am afraid they will do it again. I still never told my friends the real story. I told them bits and pieces but never the whole truth. I guess I am not ready yet to fully talk about it. Its even hard to talk about it to my best friend and me and her have been friends since like forever..... But all in all I am gettin better.
by k3rRiAnNa on 17 May 2004
When I was 19 years old I was at a party with my friends at a friends house and we were playing cards drinking having lots of fun. I was there with a guy I really liked alot and so we got together and talked and was having fun playing cards, watching movies, drinking, and then one thing led to another and we ended up in the bedroom where we had intercourse. With him I really wanted to be with him and he was so gentle and romantic and he was always asking are you sure you want to do this? I said yes and so we did, afterwards he went to the restroom to clean up I guess and while he was gone I was starting to get dressed when one of the other guys that was at the party came in the room and pushed me on the bed and said "Its my turn". I said in a shock state, What? He said that he was going to do me now since I was with this other person. I said NO!, and he proceeded to tell me that I wanted it and that I didn't mean no. So I was crying at this point and scared while he was trying to hold me down, I was screaming for him to get off of me and kept saying NO! After a minute or two seemed like a life time the guy that I was with earlier heard me screaming and came running in the room and pushed the other guy off of me and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. The other guy laughed and said, well I thought I would have a go at her since you did. That angered the other guy and he told him to get out before he killed him and then he told me to get dressed and then he put his arm around me while I was still crying and said come on I am taking you home. I said ok, and he wrapped me up in his coat and took me home. On the way home he asked me if I wanted to go to a hospital and I said no just take me home. He was crying all the way home with me telling me he was so sorry for leaving me alone in the room that he didn't think something like that would happen. I said its ok I didn't think I was going to get hurt either. He stayed with me most of the night and then came everyday after for weeks to make sure I was ok and cryed with me everytime. He was so sweet and thought it was his fault. The whole time I am thinking it is my fault because I was drunk and at a party, I had just had sex with someone else and that maybe I had done something to lead him on. So for many years that is what I thought. I am now 37 yrs old and I still have to run into this person all the time in stores or something because he lives in my home town where I live and the worse thing is, is that he is related to my ex-husbands family so just a year ago I had to sit in the funeral home and the church with him in the same place and to close to me because of the death of a grandmother. That was so hard for me, I was shaking, sick, scared, couldn't breathe, and wanted to go home. Nobody knows about this still to this day except my new husband and the guy I was with that night. I thought until just recently that I had maybe put in away in a place that I would never have to deal with it again, but I have just in the last 3 weeks started a domestic violence course online for college and it has brought up everything I thought I left behind. I now know it was not my fault and I did not lead him on or deserve it. I am still having my days now that I just want to sit and cry or something because I am so angry with what he did to me. Because of him it is hard to have sexual relations with my husband now and every time I have to go to my O.B. and have a pap I cry the whole time and for 2 days after, even though it is a woman doctor, I still feel like I am being violated again.
Well that is my story and thank you for letting me share this with all of you on this site.
by Tammieon 16 May 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.