Hi, my name is Hilary, and this is the first time I have ever openly admitted that the experience I had was sexual abuse. I wish I had known what I know now 10 years ago, so that I didn't have to go through all the psychological bullshit that I have had to endure.
I got my first period on my thirteenth birthday, and we celebrated. My mom and I were celebrating the journey to womanhood, and I felt so proud. But with that came an expectation among peers, that you have sex. It was no longer a virtue to be a virgin, and I wanted to be liked. I was always the dork, the brain. Never pretty, or popular.
One day that summer, my best friend and I went to give a note to a boy. This boy was dating my best friends cousin, who visited from out of town every summer, and wanted to date this boy. He was fifteen. My best friend left me alone with him for five minutes. He said to me "are you a virgin?" I said "yes" He said " I can take care of that for you." I giggled nervously but tried to play cool "Yeah, that would be great" My best friend returned and we left.
The next day, he was babysitting a few apartments down, and my friend wanted to talk to him. We went inside, just as he was smacking the kids upside the head. "sit down and shut up" he yelled. "Hey, I gotta talk to you" he said to me. We went upstairs to the parents bedroom. He shut the door and demonstrated how it wouldn't open. I sat on the bed and tried to look out the window. Eric closed the curtains abruptly. "So ya gonna carry out your promise?" I was confused "what?" "You said you would do it with me" I was scared. I grabbed the phone. "its not hooked up" he said. I hugged my knees to my chest. "come on, wouldn't want to see me get mad would you?" I stayed put. He grabbed my hand and put it on his erect penis. I felt sick. He took off my clothes-at this point I felt like a rag doll. He entered me, and I started to cry. "shut up" he said. I came and got up. I got dressed. "don't tell anybody" he said, and went to call for his friend to let us out. When I got home, my best friend came over. I went to the bathroom. There was a little blood on my underwear. I came out-"are you okay?" I wasn't.
by Hilaryon 30 May 2004
my name is Louie, and I just wanted to say to everyone whos ever been raped, that there is no reason to feel guilty, dirty or ashamed, because you have done nothing wrong. The wrong was done to you. Of course it hurts and probably will for a long time. Rape is a traumatizing ordeal, and its sad that some males out there are so weak-minded and immature that they have to commit such vile acts to obtain a woman. But for you women out there who feel pain and shame for what happened, let me just say this; There is no reason to seek forgiveness from yourself because as I said, you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Prayer is a great way to find healing and peace from it all, if you need assistance with anything, I'm always available to help
by Louie Burenon 28 May 2004
I guess my story isn't so bad as some of yours - my Dad didn't rape me although I was scared a lot that he would. He has always been violent and psychologically abusive. When I was about 9 (I can't remember when exactly) he made me sit on a white chair on which he had painted all these horibble things like 'I am a naughty girl'. He's my stepfather and he adopted me when I was five and I have his name. When I was about 14, I got a fit of giggles and he pushed me to the ground and kicked me until my Mum stopped him. He was always calling me spastic and retartd when I am clever enough to get a degree from a top university. Anyway, when I was 14, I came back home 5 minutes late and he pushed me down onto the floor, pulled down his trousers (he was naked underneath) and sat on me so I couldn't breathe). Then he rubbed his naked arse on my face. It was disgusting. He exposed himself to me when I was 11 and he used to perve on me in the shower until I had a go at him an he stopped. However, he was always saying really inappropriate sexual stuff to me especially about the girls at school and often exposed himself to me when he had an erection - once I remember in front of my younger sister. He'd make comments about how big my breasts were in front of my mum, but she selectively chose not to hear the stupid bitch and even if she admitted it she wouldn't think that it was bad or even abnormal.
Anyway, I was hoovering up on the top floor when he came up. Normally I wouldn't let the bastard near me but he was being nice and I thought things were going to change. Anyway he grabbed my arse and I thought he was going to rape me. Taking into account that if I struggled he might or otherwise beat the crap out of me I let him because I couldn't move because I was paralysed with fear because he used to beat me before. He was humming and he stopped after a few minutes when my mum called up the stairs that it was dinner time. The next day he pinched my bum and left for work and I phone up his office in London and screamed down the phone (unfortunately he didn't answer his mobile) not to touch me again blah blah. He came home that night and made out it was the end of his umbrella! What a stupid excuse. He never touched me again although he did still beat me occasionally. However, he threated to rape me a few times - one time he was standing at my bedroom door and eyeing me up and saying what he was going to do to me etc. I slammed the door in his face and then was so scared that I put a cabinet to block my bedroom door (it didn't have a lock) until me mum came up and wanted me to let her in. I couldn't tell her then, I knew that she wouldn't believe me- actually I had accused him and he had told her and she made me feel guilty what would happen to the rest of the family that I said I made it up.
Still I haven't talked to him for four years - I don't want him damaging me anymore. My mum's been to stay with me a few times. I recently told my half sister because I was worried he might of tried to do the same thing to her but she says that she believed me and that he hadn't. Still she still told my parents when I told her not to . My older brother knows and had said that he would push him down the stairs but he hasn't done anything because he isn't a violent person. I am so glad that I was sent to boarding school otherwise I dread to think what might have happened.
by Jon 28 May 2004
I made the difficult decision to use my name publically when my case went to civil court. This is a decision I have never regretted.
by Elizabeth McKennaon 26 May 2004
I remember being 5 years old. I remember being taken out to the back of my dads shed and tied to something on me knees. I remember the rope digging into my ankles and wrists. I remember a painfully full backside and being rocked back and forth. I remember the smell in the air while I was anally abused repeatedly after school until I was around age 12.
I don't remember why as a young girl I had to endure that. I don't know why my dad did it. I don't remember my school or teachers offering an open ear for children having problems at home. I remember when I stopped eating. I remember the nightmares. I'm glad I found a place to seek help.
my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
by lelinyon 25 May 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.