I am 43. Years of standing quietly by as everything that was supposed to be good was sacrificed to the demons of the past seems to be haunting me more and more these days.
I must have been about 4 when I was raped the first time. That age sticks in my mind the most, I don't remember much of the incidents, they happened from the time I was 4 till I was about 12. I know who did it, I know they still think they didn't do anything wrong, I know that I can't confront them and I know that I hate them. They have succeeded in life, moved on , and still are abusing me by telling themselves and others in the family that I am a looser and a failure. That I am not worthy of the time and attention that they get from the family. That my children are worthless and don't need the support of the family. My head hurts as I write this. Remembering is hard, thinking is to hard, not pretending that everything is fine is to hard. Coping with anything outside of my house is to hard. I do it. I manage. I work at home, I write at home, I don't have a home, I have a house, it is in disarray, it is a place where things pile up and I wisk it away from time to time to make room for more things that just get messed up again. I buy nothing, I shuffle things from place to place, it isn't that much, it is disorganized. It is a picture of my mental self, all the pretty things set out of order, all the good things out of order, all the bad things just mixed in with all the other things, so you have to look for the good and pretty things. I find little pleasures every day, I make myself look at what is good, what is right, what is whole. I try to add the whole things to my mind, to keep putting them in places where they will block out the broken pieces, I can't put the broken pieces back together. I was 18 when I got married, he was a monster, the beatings, the broken bones, the broken self esteem that was so fragile to begin with. Ten years... ten years, I loose my kids, I loose my home I fight the battle to come back to that normal place and the kids come home, I fight to keep things going, nothing is normal or right but they are good and kind. I marry again, he is a worst monster. He destroys the kids innocence. He destroys me he breaks me down. He goes to jail, he gets 123 days. I got another life sentence. I move away, The children start having children. Another monster hurts my grandbaby, the system rapes me of my family, I have nothing left. I have everything left. The grandbabies are growing and happy. The kids are starting to thrive. I sit here trying to find my insanity, there is no sanity, my insanity is a safer place then this place of numbness and emptyness. If I can reach insanity then the travel to sanity is reachable. My abusers are still around, they invade my life with their words, I stay in my house away from my family, and try growing new memories. But the darkness invades, it carries away the little life that is left. I am tired.
by cameoon 15 Jun 2004
High school, Yea it was a long time ago for me, but it still was the single most hurtful time of my life.. As a guy who tried to fit in with the in crowd and never measured up. Who basicly was "pawned" off on another guy so I got attacked in the shower not anyone else. All that bullshit about guys turning into monsters because they suffered sexual abuse. Don't buy into it. I surived it. I treat women like queens, evil persons will look for any excuse. To the brave Colleen. You have surived one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Nothing should stand in your way.
by steve on 13 Jun 2004
I`m a 24yr old mother of three who for the past 19 years have been tortured by the visions of my 4th birthday, I came from a big family with abusive alcoholic parents who would leave us to fend for ourselves but hey it was my birthday I had a new dress,new shoes and I felt good for once....a friend of the family was saying all day how lovely the dress looked on me and I went out to play while my father went out for more drink and my mother finished the vodka she had hidden while he was away well...she passed out on the sofa but I was used to that and the `friend` asked me if I wanted to see his newpuppy, I loved animals so ofcourse I went along with him, he took me to a flat straight across from my home locked the door and raped me I can still remember the colour of the lightshade which I stared at I was crying and he told me I was a big girl and this is what happens to `good girls`afterwards he fixed himself and my hair had been up in pigtails so he pulled them tight and fixed my hair he also put my ripped pants into my cardigan and give me 20pence and told me to get sweets with it my neightbour saw me coming out of the flat and brought me to my mother`s house of course she sobered up pretty quickly and she started screaming...............I thought she was cross because I had money...... I remember telling her that I didn`t steal it but she sent me up to wash my face the neightbour followed me up to the bathroom and helped fix my hair and wash my face she was crying and I could not understand why I was brought to the police station and examined but my parent`s dropped the charges against him and he was left to get on with his life I on the other hand had horrifying nightmares and was told that nothing happened even when I asked my parents did he rape me they told me i was an attention seeker.. still as the nightmares continued..... I met my husband to be at 15 and fell pregnant shortly after and again the nightmare`s continued so I went to the solicitor`s, i just wanted some closure but the solicitor dug up more than I had expected you see my older brother also raped me infront of my younger brother this I have only known about for a couple of months and to be honest with you it`s tearing me apart I don`t want to be the victim they tell you that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel but I can`t see any light.
by Sharon on 11 Jun 2004
My story is long and seems never ending. I don't know when it all started, very, very young I assume. Incest (I hate that word!) with my father is what happened to me. He used not only his body, but objects in me as well. I also remember sitting around a table filled with adults playing cards. I was sitting beside my uncle "helping" him play his cards. Ya right! More like I was helping him have pleasure. The whole time I sat there (for probably at least an hour) he had his hand down my pants rubbing me. I was around 8 at the time. I am now 30 years old and the sexual abuse by my father just recently stopped. I have a child that I think may be his. He has ruined my life, I suffer from flashbacks, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and MPD/DID,anorexia, and I suffer with a continual need to self harm. I am terrified of sex except whe one of my alters comes out who uses sex to hurt herself. I have spent a lot of time in mental institutions and so on. I think I have finally found the right psychiatrist for me, she specializes in MPD/DID and sexual abuse. Some days I am very hopeful that I can get out of this dark spot and others I spend fighting to just get out of bed. Reading others stories like on this site are great as they let me know I'm not alone. It's a long road to healing, but we need to remember we are SURVIVORS and that word means we're strong and do anything we put our minds to.
by Diannaon 11 Jun 2004
My story is never ending. Therefore: I have been keeping a journal for a few months. "My story" of how I came about the way I am, is on there as well. www.geocities.com/allesinside
I have been abused
I have been cutting for 4 years
I have had an eating disorder for 1 year
I have been in and out of therapy
by Brianaon 6 Jun 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.