I don't remember when it started I was too young. My Dad molested me and finally raped me when I was 16. I didn't know how to tell anybody. I didn't think anybody would believe me. So I let it go. (I think) I got pregnant on purpose when I was 17 so I could get away from him. I finally moved out of his house when I was 18. I got married when I was 19. I never mentioned a word of it to anybody even my husband. Not until I got a phone call from my sister saying that there was an emergency and I needed to come over. When I got there she was crying and her friend was to. They told me that my Dad had been touching them both. It had been happening to my sister since I moved out, (when I was 18), at this time I was 21, so it had been happing to her for about 3 years. I had no idea I thought it was just me. They confronted him and he left. When we finally found him he was high. He had been smoking crack. I confronted him and called my husband at work to come home. So I finally had to tell him every thing of course my husband wanted to kill him. My Dad tried to kill himself and called me on the phone and told me that he was sorry for everything. I hung up and called the police. They rushed him to the hospital and saved his life. He was sent to a Psychiatric Hospital for about a week and then to county jail for about three months. When he went to court he pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 5 years probation. My mom stayed with him. My sister was sent to live with my aunt in another state. I did not have contact with my Mom or Dad for 5 years. My aunt died on my Mom's side of the family and I saw my Mom. I don't know why but I needed her back. It took a few months before I saw my Dad again. He cried and told me how sorry he was for doing those horrible things to me. I believe that he was a sick man and maybe he still is but I can protect myself now. I still want to hate him for what he did to me but he still is my father. He pays for his crime everyday being a registered sex offender. I understand a lot of the stories that I have read, and I sympathize for every person affected by abuse in any form. Just remember there are a lot of people that live with this every day. Thank you for listening to my story.
by miss on 15 Nov 2005
I was 16 when I was first raped. I was walking home through the graveyard (shortcut) from night school (I had gotten put out of high school for fighting, so went to get my GED at night school) with two boys that I grew up with, as we were walking all of a sudden one of them pulled my hands behind my back and the other one starting touching my chest, I started struggling to get away and asking them why are you doing this, the one holding my hands behind my back just pulled me down to the ground and the other one was told to hold my legs. I started kicking and screaming try to get loose, but the other one just pulled my arms tighter and telling my to shut up, the other got his pants down and raped me. It felt like it went on for hours, then it was the other ones turn, it hurt so bad until I really felt like dying, after they finished I just went home, took a bath, hid my clothes and didn't tell a soul. I thought it was my fault for walking home with them.
It has taken me so many years to finally say it was not my fault, but I still have flashbacks of both rapes. My husband is my support through those bad times, and I love him more each day for that.
by angeliqueon 10 Nov 2005
Hi. I have been reading a lot of stories on this site and it is so sad to see so many people that have been so badly hurt during what is suppose to be the best part of their lives. Childhood should be fun and a wonderful learning experience where children can feel safe and loved. I know very well the fear and loneliness that incestuous abuse brings on children. I was abused for many years by my so-called father and others.
I noticed that a lot of people did not handle the situation the way that I did. You see I had been terrified all through my childhood until I was nearly 11 years old. I finally got the courage to tell my mother what was happening to me in the still of the night. She did not believe me and told me that she did not ever want to hear it again, ever. I don't know what exactly happened to me that day, but all of the fear left me big time. It was replaced by pure rage and anger. I looked right at my mother and I told her that that day her life lost all of its meaning to me. I told her that I wish she were dead, because in my heart she had just died. I told her that I would never ever respect her again. She went to hit me and I flew right into her and beat the hell out of her. I then went and got a claw hammer and beat the old man senseless. I sent him to the hospital and I told him that if he dared to tell what I had done to him that I would tell the whole world what he was doing to me and make damned sure he went to prison for many many years. I told him that now they were going to play my game by my rules and they were not going to like my game at all. I promised them that I would show them what it feels like to be afraid, very very afraid. You can believe that that is just what I did. For the next 8 years I put them through hell big time. I would do all kinds of horrible things to them and then threaten them if they called the police of what I would say and get them sent to prison. You could say I literally took the control away from the Pedophile. I found out that once you relieve the perpetrator from the control that you have won and he has lost big time. I made damned sure that my younger sisters did not get sexually abused while I was in that house. I told the old man that if I heard of him abusing them that I would kill him outright and I told the girls to tell me if he tried anything right in front of him. He never did abuse them or me after that. I don't know if I am just so totally different from anyone else, but I just could not put up with the abuse any longer and nobody was willing to help me, so I helped myself in a big way.
I refuse to let this ever get me down. I am a survivor and will not let what happened to me as a child destroy my life, for if I did, it would mean that they would win and I will never let that happen, ever!
Thanks for letting me tell my story. God Bless everyone in here and do keep telling your stories so that one day this all can be ended and stiffer laws can be enacted to protect children.
by Anonymouson 8 Nov 2005
I have been reading everyones posts for a while now. I am writing a book about my experiences at the moment. It is 9 chapters so far.
So I guess this is where I share hey. Well I am 18 years old almost 19 and I am a full time student. I start a psychology degree next year which I am excited about.
I have a long complicated history with mental illness and sexual abuse. My Uncle has abused me since I was 5. I thought it was over, I really did but he raped me in August. I found out I was pregnant 6 weeks later. Even though I could not conceive having an abortion I knew I couldn't have the baby. It turns out that I didn't have to make that decision but being young and naive I didn't realize the mental repercussions of losing a child. The guilt I feel is just amazing and now everything is over I think I kind of wanted that baby.
That is where I am at now. I feel completely helpless because I can't protect myself if I want to live.
It hurts so much but you guys would already know that. I am so angry and sad inside. I have missed out on my childhood and have never developed coping skills.
I have battled with serious mental health issues most of my life. I had anorexia from 11yrs to 15yrs which was really severe and I was in hospital 14 times. After that I suffered with severe depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm, anxiety and PTSD. That is sort of where I am now. I feel stuck in this same place and I can't cope. I can't sleep, concentrate or eat anymore.
I just wish I knew why he did this. I know it wouldn't make any difference but at least I could stop blaming myself. I just want to know why but I will never get that answer.
I am so tired of carrying this around with me all the time. There are so many people like us and it is not fair. Children are sacred. I can't rationalize in my head how you could do that to another human being.
How do you guys do it everyday? No many people know about my abuse and not many can because he would kill me. Three people know. My psychologist and my cousin who is also a psychologist and my teacher/friend. I don't know about you guys but because I have been silent for so long I feel the need to have people know. I need to have my feelings validated and my story heard. I just want it to be over but even when it stops it will never be over because there are always memories.
by Ton 6 Nov 2005
Like you all, I have been invaded, ripped from my innocence. I was only 13 when my step brother raped me.
For ten years, I've been looking for myself. I feel like i no longer want to live but then, I keep going and living. I want to become a poet when i finish college.
It was hard dealing with the past. I was very unsure of myself, thought of myself as a dirty ho (what he'd call me) and i didn't deserve to live. But one day, I recovered by realizing that life is short and you have to move on. IT'S HARD TO FORGET BUT YOU MUST KEEP ON WALKING
by happysunshine on 5 Nov 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.