Iíve never felt that I Ďbelongedí anywhere. I donít understand myself. I donít know who I am. I donít feel as though I have a self-identity. I donít understand my emotions or how I react to situations or people. Some people say Iím introvert and some say Iím extrovert. Others say Iím very self-centered, and yet others say I am kind and generous. Iím overly analytical about every mental state and emotion, and about other peopleís perceptions of me. I have a strongly negative self-image. This doesnít mean to say that Iím a social recluse or an Ďoutsiderí however. Far from it; I have learnt the rules of how to be normal, in fact I have learnt how to be normal better than Ďnormalí. For most of my life I thought all this WAS normal. Depression and panic attacks were just part of growing up. Then I started to think about some things that had happened to me in my childhood while I was in a care home. Things that had always been at the back of my mind but things that I couldnít really understand or relate to how I felt decades later. Even now as a fully grown man and successful businessman. Surely not? How could these things affect me now? Iíve surely learnt to understand and accept them by now. Havenít I? What did it mean anyway? At the time I didnít feel anything. I didnít understand. But the truth is that I donít know and I know I never will understand the connections deep down and why I think and feel that way I do. The damage is so complex and so subtle that I donít even really know itís there, other than the fact that I have been searching for the answers all my life without consciously knowing. I havenít learnt to Ďacceptí these things, or even understand what such an Ďacceptanceí would be or feel like. But I am coming to terms with knowing that I never will.
by Jack on 18 Jul 2004
I have already shared my story 2 below this one. Imí just having a really hard time cooping with what has happened. Iíve always been miss outgoing and never afraid of anything. Now im afraid of guys even younger than me and even people close to me. I just canít trust anyone. I was raped by a 22 yr old man and im so lost. Email me cuz I need some advice!! Email me and share ur story too if u'd like. I am great at giving advice just not so great when it comes to me!! thanks again for listening!!
by keeleyon 13 Jul 2004
I went with this guy I met on the internet to the river. He started grabbing me and lifting me up. He took me to a secluded spot and took his clothes off and I was scared, I dont know what happened but he was lying on me and I was naked and kept saying stop it you're hurting. He said it would be ok. I bled all over his shirt that I was lying on and he got so mad. He said it wouldnt happen next time. Then he stole my socks to clean himself up. He took me back to the park and I had to ride my bike home. It hurt so much. He found me a few months later and was so angry that I didnt call him. But I ran away and now its ok.
by Jess on 11 Jul 2004
I was 7 when my male baby-sitter started sexually abusing me. He would touch me everywhere. He would have me perform oral sex on him and then he wouold perform the oral sex on me. One day he had his grandson come in and they took turns with the oral sex and when one was done, the other would take pictures. On my 8th birthday, he told me that he had a special present for me. He told me to take off my clothes and he took out his penis and stuck it in me very hard and then it was the same with his grandson. He would also have sex with me. They told me to act like nothing happened. That's exactly what I did for about 17 years. I never told anyone. I'm in counseling now, but I am so afraid of telling her what happened. So basically, no one knows that it happened and I'm having a hard time dealing with it right now. Tell me what I should do PLEASE!!!
by Tinaon 9 Jul 2004
I was raped 2 weeks ago. I thought it was my fault in a way I still think it is! I am 15 years old. I had been sexually active twice before that same week(long long story) well I was friends with this guy named Jonathan and he was 17. All my friends are older then me pretty much, always have been, dont know why. But anyways, I had gone to a party with Jonathan 3 days before this and there was this kid named "B" there. For legal reasons I cant say his name. Well B is 22. I didnt know this. Well after the party B and one of my friends were all up in each others shit so I left them be and I messed around with Jonathan. Well two days later B called me and I was going to a party and my guy friends that were took me and said "hey lets go pic him up." We went and got him and somehow we decided we didnt want to go to the party. They all went home and B didnt have a ride back to his city cuz we were in my city. So we stopped by a liqor store cuz he wanted something to drink (I dont drink) and so anyways we went to my house until he called his boy in indianapolis, to come get him. Well his boy was clubbing and wasnt gonna be there until late morning so I was like whatever, I didnt care. He was really cute and sweet and we were talkng about all this really personal shit. So I didnt care and we got along. Well he offered me a drink of strong vodka. I dont remember much after that. I know that when the cops showed up at 6 in the morning I was 3 times over the legal limit for alcohol consumption, and by then they said it should have wore off so I was deadly intoxicated earlier that night. I remember some and a litthe here and there but not much. I took off my clothes, I gave him a lap dance. I gave him oral sex and vice versa. Later he had sex with me. I dont remember any of that but I knwo it happened today. This is only 2 weeks later. I'm gettin charged for alcohol comsumption and he is being charged for a lot. To all my girls out there just be smart. I dont have that rep and I have great grades and I'm miss popular at the high school. I dont know how I let that happen. My advice to all the girls out there that are "minors" is: it may be fun to hang with people that are older than yuo but just dont drink and be smart. I didnt know what to call it either. I just found out it was rape. So girls even though you think it was "consensual" or whatever the prosecutor wont care. He is getting charged for rape and giving alcohol to minors and going away for a while. So it was my choice to drink but it is still somehow his fault too. So anyways I wanted to tell my story so if you have any questions or want advice on your problems email me!!!
by keeley on 9 Jul 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.