It's hard to remember everything, there are huge gaps in my memories. I used to remember alot more but I recently went to counseling for a week and the next week I could hardly remember anything but I started having horrible flashbacks at the worst times...I almost had a nervous breakdown in class, it was all I could do not to crumble under my desk and start screaming. I sat at my desk trying to look normal but I could almost feel him close to me even though he wasn't there. I decided to stop going to counseling then. I don't know where my mind put my memories, I recover details from time to time, whereas in counseling they were trying to force it all to the forefront of my mind at once and they were making me lose my grip. I was raped by someone I tutored in highschool, I trusted him, I thought he was an angel, I invited him into my home once and he raped me. I couldn't believe it, I pushed it out of my mind and when I went outside I thought everybody could see I was different. He didn't leave me alone after that, he started calling alot to threaten me and started stalking me. He told me I was his and I'd die before he let me go. I was so scared, everywhere I went he was there, and when I was home he was soon at my door asking to come in. I was afraid of him, he told me if I ever didn't let him in he'd wait outside for me to come out. He showed me his gun. He told me if I stopped letting him in he'd buy bullets just for me. And then he told me he loved me. I remember once he beat me and beat me with a hanger until it broke and then with the broom, and he made me sit very still while he hit me, and then with an extension cord and then he told me to lay on top of him on the couch but I wouldn't open my legs so he opened my legs and hit me on my thighs with the cord until I did. I was numb in so many ways. After he raped me I got up to run because I knew he'd start up beating me again, I got halfway across the room and froze, I froze over completely, I couldn't see or feel or hear anything. I was inside the dark shell of my body, a tiny voice inside yelling at myself to keep running to go. I don't know how long I was like that, but I remember next sitting on the bathroom floor with my dress torn and him standing over me with the broom and telling me to take off my dress. That was one of the times I can remember.
by Parihan on 27 Aug 2004
My abuse started when I was 5 years old. My mom would send us to church with this friend of the family. This "friend" took nude photos of me in various "erotic" poses. This continued until I was 10 and finally told my mom. She asked him to come over and confronted him in front of me. I was scared shitless. She asked him about the pictures. Surprisingly he admitted to them. He also told her that he never touched me, which was true. He never touched me, just screamed at me and made me to strip and took pictures. My mom turned around and slapped me. I was shocked. She said stop making up abuse stories. I was never touched so it wasnít abuse. She then instructed ME to apologize to him!!!!!
I was devastated. She said that if I told my dad that he wouldnít love me anymore and I believed her. She continued to send me with him. The abuse continued. I am an adult now with children of my own. Iím doing ok. Iím angry and want to stop him cuz Iím not the only one he did this to. I want to do legal action but the only proof is the pics. Does anyone know the laws in cases like this? A lawyer wonít help me unless I have proof, canít have him arrested without proof; police canít get a search warrant without proof. He has the proof. Short of breaking into his house how can I get him arrested without proof?
by girl all alone on 26 Aug 2004
I think the hardest part has been living the double life and pretending, that and the self-doubt. On the outside, such a normal sucessful family. It's a mirage.
A lot of the pieces are still missing and some of them may resurface, that's the scary part - that there may be more.
It's still so foggy. I was 8 or 9 and we were on the couch in the living room. My dad was tickling me but then it wasn't tickling anymore. His hands were under my panties and he was rubbing me. I just remember feeling gross. I don't know how it stopped just that he asked me if I wanted "any chocolate" and that was the escape. I knew it was wrong and I was angry. I tried running away after that - I thought I could live in a tree, but my mom caught me going out the window.
I didn't tell because I loved my mom and I didn't want to break up our family. I was afraid of ruining their lives - they are well known in the community. I used to dream that she would divorce him. There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse too. I thought if I said something it would break up the whole family - I was naive.
I supressed it for a long time. I told a friend in High School and he told my boyfriend and Best Friend. It was tough - now people knew my secret. My mom found an email about the incident that I wrote to my boyfriend and confronted me crying. I told her it was a dream and lied. She let it go.
I went to College and took a deviant sociology course - we studied sexual abuse and I had a nervous breakdown. I went to see a counselor for the first time and was diagnosed with PTSD. She told me I needed to get out of my parents house and out of his control (he is very authoritarian). I was an honor student and my grades were crashing - I was flunking. I dropped out of school and got an apartment with a friend.
I found out through my sister-in-law that my step sister (sibling from my father's previous marriage) was abused by him also (she only lived with us for a short time). I called her - she said she was raped and talked about horrible things he used to do around us, she was my age when it happened and I was only 5 or 6. I also found out my parents used to sell Cocaine before i was born. Wow, you would never know that now.
I decided to confront him. The abuse was ruining my life and it was his fault. I called my mom to come over to my apartment first - I wanted to prepare her. She was my best friend and now I'll never think of her the same. She was upset but she said that 'we should keep this in the family' and it was probably just a dream.
Then I confronted my Dad. It was the scariest thing I'd ever done. I was shaky and sweaty but it was the one thing I will never, ever forget. I found and anger and a power with him that I had never felt before. I was the adult and I was in control of the conversation. He said he didn't remember hurting me but that he was so sorry and he wept and shook. I think he did remember. He offered for 'us' to get help. I declined. I didn't want 'us' to get help together. I let it go after that and somehow went back to the normal way of living the double life. We all pretended it never happened again and I kept going to their house every Sunday.
When I was 21 and I was engaged to my husband my father and I got in an argument over the phone. He told me he had 'prayed about it' and 'knew in his heart that he didn't do anything'. I remember pacing the kitchen floor on the phone losing my mind. I thought we had made progress. I was wrong, back to square one.
My husband has helped me to achieve more ground than I ever thought possible. He comes from a wonderful family and they have helped me to realize what a family should be and to stop trying to pretend. In the fall of 2003 my husband and I confronted both of my parents. We told them that what happened, did happen. That it wasn't a dream and that it changed me as a person forever. We told them it would change our relationship with them forever too. We would no longer be a regular part of their lives (they live a mile away) and would only see them on occassion. My mom didn't think this was 'fair' we couldn't 'cross' them out. At the time I still had hope that she would get out. She didn't. She is with him and stands by him. That is horrible. I don't think she believes me and they both say my sister is a liar. I know she isn't.
I had to confront them a third time last week, by email. They keep pretending things are fine. My husband and I are expecting our first child, a daughter, and they are trying to be a normal part of our life. They won't be. I will never let her be prey to such pain. They haven't responded to the email.
It wasn't easy to do all this. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It was almost the cause of a divorce between my husband and I because I wanted to protect them, I wanted to have a part in their lives. Because it means you can still pretend and lead the double life.
I think there is more I can't remember. There is a recurring nightmare that I haven't had for awhile but it is all these hands coming at me to tickle me, but it is scary. In the dream the lights go out in different parts of the house and I can't turn the light on - the switch doesn't work. And the darkness is when these hands come for me. Also in these nightmares I get sucked into closets when I walk by them. These all occur in the house that my sister was raped in when I was 5 or 6. I am trying to get in contact with my sister again so we can talk - she hasn't kept contact with my family for years.
I am now 23. It is scary being pregnant. I read everyones story and I fear for my daughter. I know I can protect her from my dad but I worry about everyone else in the world that can harm her.
I hope that somehow some of you can find the voice to confront whomever hurt you - or at least tell your loved ones. Holding it in causes the most damage. It is scary to share and to confront but it is empowering and healing. I hope you can also have support to separate from these people if they are still in your lives. Maybe they can never physically hurt you again but they are destroying your soul and your mind.
I think I am ready for counseling now. I know more of these memories may surface but I think it is better that I know them than bury them.
Thank you for reading my story - it is much longer but I think none of us could put all of it together in words. It is a never ending story.
by Jessica on 25 Aug 2004
This happened about 2 years ago...my aunt had recently gotten married to this man, and when I first met him I had some bad vibes from him. I was afraid of him, and I didn't even know why. Well, my family went on vacation with my aunt and new uncle. We went to the beach. While we were there... everyone else went for something, to go to the pool or something, but I had a headache that day, so I stayed behind. So did he. I was sitting on a chair, reading and drinking some coke out of a styrofoam cup with an orange mark on it so I could identify it as mine. I got up to go to the bathroom, and he was outside. He came inside while I was in the bathroom, and when I came out he was rummaging through some bags. I sat down and started to read and drink again. After awhile I started to feel sort of fuzzy and disorientated. Then my chair was kicked back, and he stood above me with a gun. He told me to stand up, and I did, but I could barely stand. Somehow he got me to a bed, and he ripped my shorts down and threw me facedown onto the bed. I heard his pants rustling, but I couldn't move. I didn't understand what was happening: my mind was so fuzzy. Then he brought my hips up and told me that it was alright to scream, no one would hear me anyways. Then I realized what was transpiring, but I still couldn't move... He went on to anally raping me. I just remember pain... a lot of pain. At first, I didn't remember any of this. Then, about a year after it happened, I started to have these nightmares about it. And then I could feel it happening again. I went back to where we had vacationed, and found the cup underneath the chair. It was then that I knew that it wasn't a dream, that it had really happened. I had a strong feeling that Rohypnol had been put in my drink. I told a friend, but I was starting to spiral downwards into a depression. My friend got afraid and told what had happened to the school counselor. I grew terrified when they dragged me in to talk, and I denied everything. But I started to cry... Somehow I streamlined something, and everyone now thinks that it was just a lie I made up. I guess I should finally come out, but... I'm so afraid... before he withdrew from me that day, he told me that if I breathed a word to anyone, he would kill me. I'm still waiting to die.
by Jakeon 24 Aug 2004
I was seven and pretty close to my next door neighbour. I'd spend most of my days round his house talking, he offered me loads of attention, was very kind and in return I'd do odd jobs round his house. Some nights my parents wouldn't let me go round so I'd spend the evening writing letters to him which I'd post through the door on my way to school. In one of the letters I told him I loved him and asked if he'd be my boyfriend. To my joy at the time he said yes but he told me not to tell anyone. I could hardly keep my mouth shut, I told the whole world, WOW, I had a boyfriend. One day I heard him and my parents laughing about it and I remember feeling really upset.
I went round to his house and told him what I heard and he said it was my fault for telling people. He told me he loved me and started to kiss me and asked me to promise not to tell anyone. I promised, he held my hand and took me into his bedroom where he unbuttoned me and lay me on the bed. He played with my chest and drew circles on my tummy, it felt nice and I didn't realise it was wrong. Nothing like that ever happened again, but its only now I know that he shouldn't have done that.
by Alison on 24 Aug 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.