I do not like to recollect it, ever.
What happened to me, 3 years back, in Assam.
Me and my cousin brother were roaming behind our house, in the garden. He was having some difficulties with his girlfriend. He wanted to tell me about this. But today I know, it was all his makeup. My parents were away, he knew that. Our garden was quite large. As soon as we went somewhat far ahead, he grabbed me. I wanted to scream, but he hit me. My trauma and puzzled state restrained me from screaming further. Before I know, through a multitude of pain, I got raped. Once he finished, out of my trauma, I could not move, although I was in my senses. Facing no disturbances or resistances he raped me over and over again. People found me in a pool of blood at dusk. I was senseless.
My aunt, his mother, was so influential in the family and everybody knew that Aftab, my cousin, is a remarkable boy. So, nobody believed me.
Muslims never listen to women.
I was seventeen then. I shall never be seventeen again.
by Zeenat Rehmanon 25 Nov 2005
I've always been told I'm pretty.. But for a good while I felt hideous, not pretty. Not since what happened.
My mom got re-married, and I was about 14. My step brother was really cute, and he was 16. We had a lot of fun, and one day we randomly started kissing when no one was home. After that I remember saying NO, but we were having intercourse. I remember crying and saying stop.
After this I was confused about myslelf, but let my stepbrother do what he pleased with me. He led me into a life of drugs and sex, and I would go with him to parties and clubs so he could show me off. I remember becoming a dope-addict, and a lot of crack and cocaine was going into my system.
I drank as much as I could. I wanted to drown out the world, and I was confused about myself. I let my stepbrother take me wherever he wanted, and use me however he wanted.
My mom started to say she didn't know who I was, and once I was 17 and my brother was 19, I moved in with him. My relationship with my mother was horrible...but eventually she forced me, (physically, she pretended I was being kidnapped..but that's another story) into a rehab center. I was there for 2 months. I'm now a psychiatrist, and a big part of AA. My stepbrother and I no longer talk. Thank you for reading.
by Lavendaron 25 Nov 2005
For so long, my life has been controlled by things I couldn't explain. At age 6, I didn't know why my 12 year old cousin told me to play house with her and subsequently touch her. I couldn't understand why it felt good, yet it was a secret. All I knew was that I felt ashamed. I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know exactly what.
She stole my soul. She didn't know it at the time. Obviously some sick bastard played that same perverted game with her. But she took my innocence, just the same. After that, I don't remember being a child. I just remember feeling as if the world was a mean place, and that I was a horrible, wicked person. My family believed I was a sexual deviant for compulsively masturbating, for imitating sexual behaviors with my dolls. I was told I was bad, a whore, stupid. I was beaten for it, and I felt their shame.
By then I realized I was obviously a horrible, nasty person, one who was incapable of ever being anything in life. So I said, "Screw it!" I got into trouble at school. My grades slipped. People bullied me because I guess I had too much love inside me to fight them back. My father called me a wimp and a coward, just for being myself. That made me feel even worse. I just felt useless. As I grew up, I wanted to die. I figured that living life was too sad, and that I deserved nothing. I drew pictures of funerals. I even made my own funeral programs! I retreated into a fantasy world, one in which I didn't have to be me. When I drew pictures, I could be someone else, someone glamorous and wonderful and NORMAL, because being who I was seemed too difficult.
Once I became a teenager, I engaged myself in "relationships" with men who didn't love me. Many of them were verbally and emotionally abusive. Since it was told to me all of my life that I wasn't worth loving, I believed their words and I didn't strive for more. I desperately wanted the men to care for me, so I could be healed from the past. After one particularly abusive relationship, I tried to kill myself. Before I could go through with it, a friend of mine urged me to go to school, to focus on something else besides my then-boyfriend. So I went to college and eventually graduated with a B.A. in Anthropology. Now I have a decent job, and I am taking classes for my Master's degree in the spring. But I still have problems from the abuse. I don't feel normal. I don't trust people. I have intense anger that is directed at the people I love the most. When I'm angry, I almost feel as if there are two people inside of me. There's one who's sweet, gentle, and loving; and the other side is mean and sadistic. It is extremely hard for me to be emotionally intimate in relationships. I am 29 years old, and out of all the men I've dated, all the men I've screwed around with, there has been only one man I've actually felt close to. The feeling of being vulnerable scared me to the point that I vowed to push him away before he could see how I really was. After many months, he finally got tired of my verbal and emotional tirades and left. I seriously doubt I will ever be able to sustain closeness with any man. I have very few friends. The ones I do have I cling to for dear life. Most of them have grown tired of my neediness and don't understand why I can't seem to be independent of them. I don't trust my own opinions. I can't relax. I have panic attacks constantly. The nightmares I have make me scream in the middle of the night. I've gone to three different therapists, and I still feel so lost. I know there has to be a way out of this hell. I just hope I find my way.
by shannonon 23 Nov 2005
I've read several stories and I`ve felt compelled to share my own..
I met this guy on an online chat room, he was 18 and I was 12 then. We met up at a local park and walked to his house, which was only several blocks from mine. We went into his room and i sat on his couch. He smiled to me before he turned and walked up to his door to lock it. Watching him lock his door I began to panic. I felt an uneasy motion stir within me. He went and sat next to me, gently grabbing a hold of my hand. He then asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend..at that age I thought it was cool to be in middle school and have a way older boyfriend, plus I never had one. So I said yes. At that moment he took hold of my arms and began necking me. I was stunned..I didn't know whether this was what bf/gf did after the question was popped. He then forced his heavy body against me while he fiddled with the buttons of my pants. I was a virgin had I held a high belief in abstinence before the encounter. I struggled and screamed "Stop!" but this only reveled him up some more. It hurt so bad. I cried, I prayed it would stop but it only continued to worsen. When he was done, he told me get up and get dressed. He lead me out of his house like a boot to the curb. I walked home drenched in guilt, dirt, and disgust. I blamed myself for meeting guys online. I had heard the dangers and I ignored them. I was foolish.
I'm 17 now, memories of the rape still taunt me from time to time... they still hurt and I still cry but I can say I have survived. I have overcame the burden, the past, the guilt, the shame. I have become stronger, more aware and knowledgeable of my surroundings and the people I encounter. I have also used this unfortunate event as mobile movement in my life to outreach and tend to others in need.
It's never easy to forgive and forget the pain people have imprison you with, but I want to let all of you know who are still struggling with this ordeal that you can overcome it. You don't have to let it eat you away and destroy your life. It is a matter of choice whether you want to get better.
I was a Christian then and I'm still Christian now, stronger than ever. I could and I probably had blame God for the pain I had to endure through much of my childhood. But instead I thank him for the trials of hardships because without them I wouldn't be the person I am now.
by elisaon 23 Nov 2005
I was molested by my dad. I have a vague memory of one of my dad's uncle and not sure how one of my cousin's fits in. Just remember running from him in the middle of the night. I've blocked most of my childhood.
While in the Navy I was also date raped. I've been taken advantage numerous times. I've been dealing with depression since I was a child, the last approx. 10 years have been the worse. Constantly going into deep depression.
What I am seeking assistance with is in recognizing the effects and false beliefs as such and not as my personality.
Seeking what is common in sexual abuse survivors as far as feelings about self and false beliefs.
by Rositaon 17 Nov 2005
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.