This isn't easy for me. In my group of friends I am known as the strong, solid rock member of the group. Everything began when I was 11 years old, I am now almost 23. He was an older friend about 10 years in age difference, someone I could say anything to and he'd listen. He was my best friends sister's boyfriend. It began with little sexual comments whispered in my ear...eventually that wasn't enough. He forced me to give him oral sex and he would do it to me. He stalked me. He knew when I was home alone. As I became older, it had developed into sex. To this day, I am still afraid to have lights on at night when I'm awake by myself. I went off to college and again I was raped, but by a stranger. He choked me to keep me quiet. Still, I did not tell anyone. Some of my close friends know about my first rape since I would make them come home with me after school so I would not be alone, but nobody knows about the second rape. This is the first time anyone but myself will know. I have never been to counselling, but I'm making it. I think I have developed many signs of post traumatic stress disorder, but I am strong and will survive. Thank you for letting me get this out. I hope there are others out there, more brave than I am that will make these men pay for what they have done, and I hope this may help them do it.
by R on 24 Oct 2004
I was violently raped by a boyfriend a couple of years ago. I never saw it coming and I feel like I should have. Last year I received counseling at the Crisis Center. This man kept showing up in my neighborhood, even my backyard. Counselor said I was overreacting. I had to get out and be around people. I was having serious flashbacks and seldom left my house. I tried.
In Jan. 2004 he caught me going into my backyard, forced me in and tried to rape me again. I think he did but I'm still not sure. I was able to reach a bat and land a blow. I just kept swinging and he left. I was convinced in March by crisis center to report to the police. That was devastating. I was told to come back after I was raped again and to do things right next time. I know there will be a next time. I can't handle being around people now. But I hate being so alone. I have panic attacks and flashbacks and horrible nightmares night after night. It's becoming unbearable and I don't know where to turn.
by loston 21 Oct 2004
I use the name Phoenix as a symbol of me rising above the ashes and into the Light.
I am a 57 year old woman. I was molested by a foster father at the age of 4 and then molested (and I think) raped by the man across the street repeatedly. I have had flashbacks of the rape but no visual memories of the rape. The man across the street gave me quarters and touched me. My life after I married my husband in 1971, has been one of affairs, swinging, and threesomes. All of this acting out has caused me great pain. I have been dealing with this abuse since 1987 when I started therapy. And still to this day, I go through periods of feeling great sadness over what was done to me. There was no comfort in this foster family and no one to tell. I kept this secret until I went into therapy at the age of 37. I am truly tired of dealing with it. I am tired of these bastards renting space in my head for as long as they have. I am so tired of this. I know my wounded little girl inside me needs to feel these feelings, but I ask when does it end? When do we survivors stop feeling the feelings? God, it is so hard. I applaud all of the survivors who have had to face these demons. It is the most important work we need to do to heal. I thank God that there are resources out there like the internet to help us just get through the day.
I wish this was not part of my healing but I am dealing with my reality. I will heal, I deserve to heal and will at all costs. I have made a commitment to my healing. And with that healing there are many things to face. I will face them with courage and determination. I pray for all survivors to heal and to thrive.
by Phoenix474 (real name Jeanette)on 19 Oct 2004
He was my best friend, I called him little brother... but he was not my brother, he did not deserve to be my brother. I got engaged, and he changed. He broke boundaries, and stop respecting me. One day I found myself locked in his room, and everyone knows what happens then...but I was different. I lost it, literally, I did not know what had happened to me for several hours, I had retreated inside my own mind, and I did not know what was going on around me. He ordered me around, had me bath him, wait on him, and he drove me around to show me off like I was a hunting trophy. All the while I was trying to escape, but I did not even know what I was escaping from, because I did not know what had happened. After hours of abuse, I collapsed on his living room floor, and he dumped me at my house. The cops told me I was "raped wrong" and my mother kicked me out of the house. She said I was just looking for attention and I was being selfish, hurting the family.
I could not make love to my fiancť, and he left me, because of my violent flash backs. I did not know who I was, or where I was. I loved this guy like he was my brother, and he tortured me for 9 1/2 hours. He smiled with delight, and he got away with it because he was a politicians son. He moved out of state with in a month of it happening. Everyone gave up on me, except for me. And I am better now for it. It will have been 1 1/2 years today, and I have a new lease on life, with people who DESERVE to be with me. I still get flashbacks, and I have not been able to look at a guy let alone date one, but it is ok, I like girls better anyway ;)
by unicornbeaton 17 Oct 2004
This is my first time telling the whole story. I was molested from 11-15 by my mother's boyfriend. I and my twin sister would get into fights because we didn't want to share a room so Iíd sleep on the living room couch. Heíd come in early in the morning while everyone still asleep and touch me places where a child shouldn't be subjected to. Iíd fake sleep and make a sound or something to scare him off. I was so lost and scared. even a couple times I fell asleep and my mother's bed on afternoons while she's busy in the kitchen and wake up with my jean zipper open and feeling not right down there... one night when I was around 14 my sister woke me up crying and telling me he tried to touch her. I broke down and told her about what he'd done to me and we cried ourselves back to sleep hugging each other. That morning we told my mother before school and she seemed shocked and distorted. She called him at work and told him not to come back home. No more than a week later he was right back living in the house! My mother always grew up depending on men and I guess she can't let him go cuz he can do shit for her and she doesn't take her own fucking children into consideration! She didn't ask us how we felt about him coming back. But the touching died down a lot and every now and then he'd grab my butt suggestively if I fell asleep somewhere he'd pass. Iíd hop up and go in my room and lock the door (my mother bought us a lock after this to keep him out just in case... how fucked up is that?). Now I know better and Iíll punch his ass in the face of he ever touch me or my sisters again and kick him out myself. I don't talk about it with anyone and sometimes when sexual abuse is brought up in school I stay quiet and don't say anything and sometimes I wanna just run out the room to cry because I can't tell anyone.
I donít wanna remember anything about those times but it has haunted me every. Fucking day. And it doesn't help that my mother is still with him neither.
Now Iím 16 and probably the most timid person in the got damn city. Only him, my mother, my twin, and I know about this and everyone has seemed to have forgotten this shit ever happening but me! Maybe because it happened so long for me. I don't bring it up though, never did since that morning me and my sister told my mother about it. But still it's not right. My sister is popular, she has had boyfriends, she just goes on with life but I don't get it with me, I wanna have a life too. She is up front and talkative and Iím in the shadows and quiet. I don't think the molestation thing did because Iíve always been shy but it added to it. i can keep a secret like no other... because I don't open up to anyone anymore. Iím one of the most complex people on there and Iíve packed on many layers of emotions over this molestation thing..if you can get me.
Iím good in school for the most part. I wanna live a great life yet I don't have many friends. I want other girls to live a great life as well. I say to any girl/boy getting molested or sexually abused, tell an adult! Get help! Go to a teacher, parent, higher authority, anyone who'd attempt put a stop it and but that pedophile/pervert in jail! but there are some people like my mother who are afraid, talk to hem and tell them that it's wrong and that they should no longer have that perv in their life. I couldn't but if i made a difference for anyone else Iím glad I was of help.
I hope Iíve helped someone with this vent. I love you all and God Bless.
by TTon 16 Oct 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.