When I was 15, I dated an 18 year old guy for about a month. I had to keep him secret from my family because they all liked the boy I had been dating, and wouldn't have allowed me to date someone who was 18. I also had to keep it secret from my nosey kid sister, because she would have ratted me out something fierce. I realized about 2 weeks in that I was scared of him, and that he wanted to possess me. The acutal thought was that he wanted to own me, and I was scared and (somewhat) flattered at the same time. I realized I couldn't be with him when I was hanging out at his house and he gave me a drink (spiked) and I woke up on his floor naked with him buckling his belt. At the time I thought I had got drunk and asked for it, but I broke up with him because I was mad he did that while I was "drunk". He started calling every day and every night, and driving by my house. He would sit outside my school and come into my work a dozen times a night. If it wasn't him, he had his friends keeping tabs on me. Adam was nothing if not determined. One night while I was babysitting he broke into their house and raped me while the baby cried in his crib. To this day, I don't remember much about the rape, only that I felt bad for the baby because he was crying and I wasn't there.
Later that week, my younger sister came home and told me she had met an "older guy" who was "totally into her and not me". I was happy for her because normally her 14 year old boyfriends trailed around me, and at that point, I wasn't liking guys too much. It turns out that it was Adam, although he called himself A.J. to her. He called me and told me we were getting back together or she would get some of what I had had while babysitting. I tried to tell my parents but they thought I had an overactive imagination - he comes from a good, solid, police family. There was no help from my parents.
I got back together with him, and if I wouldn't consent to sex he would beat me on the back, legs, thighs, anywhere where it wasn't visible. Most times he would beat me and then rape me anyhow. I finally showed my parents the bruises after he had broken 4 of my ribs. They "conferenced" with his dad, and it was agreed he would get help.
Months later my parents and sister went on a 2-week vacation, but I was left at home because I had school and a job. It was agreed that my friend Sean would stay over the whole time because I couldn't sleep without someone in the house. I felt terrorized even though nothing had happened in months. Sean's girlfriend was mad (it was their year anniversary) so I told him I'd be ok, to just leave me to sleep. He did, and Adam and friends broke in. They killed my dog and left me for dead after raping me all night. When Sean came in the morning, he found my dog decapitated, his head in bed with me. I had 7 broken ribs, a ruptured spleen, punctured lungs, a severely bruised larynx, and "massive" trauma to my sex. I was in the hospital for a month.
It eventually went to court, thanks to forensic details four of the friends were convicted. They had nothing but my word that Adam was in my house, and his friends wouldn't squeal.
I am now 29 years old, STILL sleep with a light on, and am still dealing with court issues because Adam's father knows how to play the system. He is responsible for the fact I will never have children, and has stolen everything from me but HOPE. I can only hope that one day I see justice and he is convicted of the ongoing sexual assaults. I have spent almost as much of my life fighting him than I have without him. He is currently awaiting sentencing for multiple counts of criminal harassment and sexual assault, which means he is being held in jail and can't bother me. There is a light, no matter how small... sometimes we just need to look for it.
by Jen on 1 Nov 2004
When I turned 17, I was worried that I was still a virgin when all my friends seemed to be getting boyfriends and losing their virgiity. I was raped when was about 17 1/2 and I would give anything, anything to be a virgin again. I can't even imagine being with a man in a relationship or sexually, which is bad because I've never had a proper boyfriend, even before the rape. The thought makes me physically sick. I've vomitted regualrly since it happened and I have panic attacks every night though some are worse than others. I can feel him all over me and I hate myself and my body, because what he's left behnd is damaged. It's not what it used to be. I hate him, but I hate myself for changing because of him. I feel pathetic. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on lke this, but I prefer to take the day as it comes and not look not the future. I'm sure it will be ok. Thank you
by P on 1 Nov 2004
I've been having flashbacks - body memories, physical sensations and intense emotions without any visual memories so I suspect that their was probably some earlier sexual abuse that took place that I just don't remember. Which is really frustrating because I wish I could actually recall it, but I just have suspicions.
I know that when I was about 11 I was sexually abused by my brother. Even though he was only 2 years older than me he had alot of emotional & psychological power over me. We would practice oral sex on one another. It went on for several months? (I really don't know how long it went on for) I didn't like it. I wanted it to stop, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I remember him giving me lessons on how to do it properly and stuff.
Finally, one day I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I wanted to do it in the cupboard instead of in the closet. And as he was getting in through one door of the cupboard I had to lean on the other to make room for him and I fell out and ended up in the hospital for a couple of days with a concussion. But, it was really a blessing because we never did it anymore after that. So I was very grateful for the concussion.
Now, though, I feel alot of shame because of what happenned between us. I mean what we did was vile and wrong. It was really wrong. I feel dirty and when I am in a healthy relationship with a man I feel like when it comes to sex its just about "getting the job done" - his orgasm; or his pleasure. I can't just enjoy being with a man, I have to finish what I started and I hate it. I feel like their is this obligation and I feel dirty and violated every time I have sex. It's almost like I'm not allowed to experience pleasure because experiencing pleasure is shameful and bad and wrong.
How horrible is that? I don't want to experience this anymore. I want sexual feelings to be safe again. I want it to be okay that I feel sexual feelings. They're a normal, natural, healthy part of life and I want them to be safe for me to feel.
by Silly Girl on 31 Oct 2004
I was about 8 when I used to stay at my grandpa's house. One night I was watching t.v. and my back was hurting and he asked me if I wanted a massage and I said "yes". Well when he started massaging me he went down and started to touch me and I told him to stop. After I had told my sister and then I had told my mom and they did not believe me.
by crystal on 26 Oct 2004
The previous story makes me so angry. My heart really goes out to you R and I hope you find help. Remember, you deserve the right to live and live safely! Believe it (I know that is hard, at least it is for me).
I was raped seven years ago. I am so angry still that it's even hard to write.
I hate with such intensity that it's sickening to even me. I have frequent flashbacks where I can't see him, but I feel him on/inside me, ripping me. And I can smell him. Each time, I wish I was dead. I am certain that I will never be raped again, because I would honestly rather die than go through that experience ever again. If my attacker had a gun to my head, I would fight until he shot me. Flashbacks are unbearable because there's nothing to fight. I am Christian and truly believe that God is compassionate and good. I am so thankful for how far He's gotten me and His assuring presence. This is such a struggle though.
I hate eating. I hate nourishing my body, so when I do eat, I binge. But no one knows because I keep my weight fairly stable through fasting/binging.
I hate waking up in the morning and wondering when the hour will come (because it will) that day when I have to feel him inside of me again.
I hate wondering how long I will have to endure this and thinking that there's no end in sight.
I hate what I'm putting my family through (I have psychologically-driven seizures because of this trauma--look it up: psychogenic seizures).
I hate that he ripped the innocence from me (I was a virgin) and then left me here alive to just waste away.
Note: I am not suicidal, but hopefully this helps anyone who is going through similar things and needs someone/thing to relate to. This site has really benefitted me in that regard. I believe nothing has a chance of getting better until we talk about it. Hopefully getting the word out and teaching our young men of the amazingly catastrophic consequences of rape will prevent at least one woman from having to endure what each of us unfortunately have had to go through.
by Michelleon 25 Oct 2004
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.