Due to school and personal issues, I haven't been able to update this section in over a year. I do receive countless submissions and I thank you all for breaking your silence and contribute to dancinginthedarkness.com.
I will try to update this page as soon as possible. In the mean time, you may read the past submissions and be inspired by these courageous survivors.
Sometimes I'm afraid he's changed me forever. A part of
me adores him despite how he's abuse me. A part of me wants to scream at
him 'I love you! You SICK f*ck! I love you, comfort me, you hurt me so
much, comfort me!' Most of the time I hate him so much I wish he'd die.
While I am violently repulsed by memories of him raping me, I have to
restrain my thoughts from going to him when I masturbate. When he raped
me I was in pain and sometimes even bleeding but I remember feeling
pleasure the 3 times he masturbated me, of course that pleasure was gone
when he raped me afterwards but maybe that's why I have to stop myself
from thinking of him when I masturbate. The sick bastard did it to mock
me, and maybe to prepare me for penetration, or maybe to relieve his
starving conscience, or maybe to pad his ego. Sometimes I feel like I
deserve the pain. I'm so confused.
SHAME... WOW! I WAS A LITTLE GIRL;I WAS ABUSED MANY TIMES WHEN I
WAS LITTLE AND ON THROUGH MY TEENS. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN IT STARTED
AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT ACTUALLY STOPPED. I KNOW I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED;
MOST LIKELY BY MY FATHER CAUSE HE MOLESTED THE REST OF MY SISTERS AND I
AM THE OLDEST. I AM 53 YEARS OLD NOW; I JUST RECENTLY IN THE PAST FEW
MONTHS BEGAN TO TALK ABOUT INCEST. I AM IN SEARCH OF ME. I HAVE BLOCKED
THIS OUT FOR MANY YEARS. I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL THATS LOST INSIDE OF ME.
PLEASE PRAY THAT I LET HER OUT SO I CAN FIND ME. THANKS FOR LETTING ME
After my rape, I was diagnosed with HPV. Every day it's with me
and I feel dirty, violated, ashamed to let anyone know how filthy I am
on the inside. I can't look myself in the mirror knowing that something
from him will forever be inside of me, and that every person I ever
want to be intimate with again will have to know about my secret. I'm so
ashamed that I still haven't told my parents about what happened, even
though it's been over a month. I can't have them look at me and see
someone to be pitied. I am not fragile and delicate, I am angry and
confused and, most of all, ashamed.
Aug 19 2004 2004
The sexual abuse altered my sexuality. It went on for nearly 2
years. I'm 20 now. I was a shy, naive and innocent teenager. After I
was able to break away and swallow my fear of him, I felt like he'd
broken me and I'd healed crooked. I mean, I don't have normal sexual
thoughts anymore; I don't feel pleasure unless I imagine myself being severely
abusive to my imagined partner. In reality I'm terrified of male
sexuality. I'm ashamed and wonder what type of normal sexual relationship
I'll ever be able to have.
Aug 09 2004
What is shame? Itís a feeling of anger and sadness. Itís about our emotions. Hey guys, we do not deserve this. Though our past can haunt us, we just got to put some control on it from coming back. God has seen what we went through and how itís affecting us now. Letís not let shame make us stop living. You are beautiful beings and our abuser will be punished by our heavenly father. Let that be of comfort for you as it has done for me. Don't stop living, don't blame yourself for being a
victim, lets blame our abuser. Let us all pray for each other.
The shame is almost as hard as the love vacuum I endured.
Sometimes I enjoyed it. I was only a little girl, how could it be my fault?
But there it is, sometimes I enjoyed it, it pleasured me, but in a
scary, frightening out of control way. And now I can't have orgasm or even
sex unless I imagine what happened in my head. All of my sexual
sensation is wrapped up in fantasizing about being abused by my Mother. And
when I masturbate I am the abuser and the victim. I punish myself, like
she would. It has to be painful and out of control in order for me to be
aroused. How's that for shameful behaviour? But when I think of this,
and depersonalize it and imagine another mother and child in the same
situation and I can easily say that Mother is torturing that girl by
making her orgasm in painful ways. It's not that girl's fault. But is it
that girl's fault if she grows up and still thinks about Mommy whenever
she is aroused? What if it fills her with shame and self-hatred? Do
es that make it better some how? Does our shame justify or compensate
for the feelings we had?.
on Jul 06 2004
Too often I feel disgusted by myself, even though I was
the victim. I was a four-year-old child, a "normal" boy, who was
ripped apart for eight years, until I was twelve, by my grandfather. I know
it wasn't my fault, though I feel like by participating in the abuse I
endorsed it. I couldn't tell anyone about it for thirteen years, and
then I couldn't tell all of it. I still can't.
I have a family of my own now. I watch my children and I wonder what
my life would have been like had the abuse never happened. My oldest
son is seven. He plays with friends and laughs sincerely. I never did.
I did not choose to be molested. He chose to destroy my sense of
worth. For so many years I let him. I didn't tell anyone.
on Jun 09 2004
Shame at the way you left me after you took everything from me - naked to the world, alone Shame.... Not only did you have your fun, but you passed me to another one. What you did to me you also documented - I have no way to get that from you so no one else can see how you took from me Shame.... You left me enough memory to know something happened but not enough to prove it happened - you leave me questioning myself. You shattered every area of my life and all I did was love you, yet I built areas of your life and all you did was spit on me. Shame.... You continue with your life, as I crawl into the dark corners of my mind and hide away - afraid to reach out to anyone.
by Anonymous on Mar 23 2004
I got over the shame of being raped. But now I have a new twist that is related to that old story. Over the last 5 years, I have suffered major losses...I crawled into a corner and let everything fly right over my head. In retrospect, I can see that I was "ashamed" because I felt like I was not "good enough". For every loss, I remember feelling angry and eventually "ashamed". Now I can see that it was related to that rape. That's as far as I've gotten but it's a start.
by Lana on Mar 19 2004
Sometimes my shame can take my breath away.The shame frome sexual abuse seems to cause shame in other areas of my life. Thanks
Shame is what is keeping me from getting the help I need...I want to feel safe at home..I don't want to fear for my sister. I want to be able to look at myself in a mirror again. I want to feel normal and have normal problems. I want to leave my pain behind. I want to be able to trust again. I want him far away from my family and I. I want help. Shame is keeping me from getting what I want and I feel there is nothing I can do. I want to heal.
Shame is a word with so many parts. The shame I feel is the shame of almost wanting to be abused again... whoever makes me feel uncomfortable I go for, to punish myself and I do it often, which afterwards rips me into a million peices... Makes me feel ashamed, but I feel as though I deserved it, if I wasnt who I am, I wouldnt have been raped. I know you all are thinking: "no, you are wrong, its not your fault", but I'm stuck at this stage and have been for 2 years now. Will it ever end?
I was raped by a complete stranger at the age of 10, I'm now 17. Seven years later and I'm still ashamed.... I think there'll be a part of us that's ashamed forever....
by Bella on Feb 19 2004
I was sexually abused by my best friends' brother, in my household. I was taught that sex was a shameful act and so I could not tell anyone. Actually I "liked" the abuse, this guy was helping me to feel wanted and loved, unlike how I was always ignored at home. For this reason I feel so dirty and ashamed. How could I like something like that? Could I be more of a wh*re? But in reality I know I was a CHILD then, and all I knew was how good it felt to be loved and wanted for something, finally. It was OKAY to like it -- I have finally come to that realization and it helps take some of the guilt away...
by MK on Feb 14 2004
I didn't realize how much shame I really happened to have. I'm so scared people will find out because it's too much. I feel so degraded, cheap and dirty. I'm scared no one will want me because I'm damaged goods. I know it was't my fault, I don't view myself as a victim and I have a very functional life. I have a lot to be gratful for, however this haunts me with my sexual relationships. I feel like a scared little puppy wanting to run away everytime I get close to someone. I don't know how to make it stop. The shame that I carry that I hope no one notices.
I was raped over 20 years ago when I was seventeen. For many years I tried to block and numb it out, but I couldn't function in the real world. God knows of the shame I have felt and how terribly it has affected me. It was very painful being unable to express my feelings at the same time I was feeling ashamed for having such feelings. Therapy eventually helped me understand that what happened wasn't my fault and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. You can't change what happened to you, but you can also survive and go on to have a fulfilling life. Healing from Shame is possible and life is precious to me now.
by Lis on Feb 8 2004
I understand that I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I did not do anything wrong. But why do I still feel ashamed? Why can I not openly talk about how dirty and shameful I feel? I am ashamed that I enjoyed a part of what was done to me. That makes it very difficult to let go of the shame.
by BB on Gen 20 2004
How can you deny the way you are? That you may react to things you shouldn't if you were smart about it? I trusted and was betrayed, but I betray myself more by continuing to feel ashamed regardless of circumstance - we should not bear this load but how do you lift your shoulders and look to the light without lowering your eyes? I am so glad other people know how I feel, but not that we must feel it together. Someday I hope this world will be different for our children, for our daughters, ourselves.
I have an awful lot to be ashamed of and I know that I should forgive myself but sometimes I can't. I have a problem with men. I go out to clubs and pick up some guy and sleep with him, I will keep in contact with that person and even if the relationship is one sided, which it ususally is, I keep revictemizing myself. I wish I could end this pattern. Thanks for reading.
I'm so ashamed that I let my companion do sexual things to me. I feel so dirty and ashamed to write about it. We were apart for six years, then I hooked up with him and things were going great. Until a few weeks ago he started to do these nasty things to me...he has never done anything like this to me before, in all the 27 years I have known him. Then he goes and breaks it off...he has rough sex saying this is the last time. I'm so ashamed for going back to him. Thanks.
Why is shame such a big thing? Those 5 letters stopped me from seeking help, finding someone who could explain why I felt like I did. It took me 9 years to speak out I was a sexually abused as a child by a family member a little older and I am filled with shame that I let it happen for so long and that I couldnt tell anyone. Shame is the reason why I am who I am, mentally ill due to the stress of not talking.
Shame...this is a biggy for me. I totally feel shame for how I participated in what happened. I always think that I should have stopped it. It didn't matter that I was only three, or seven, or fourteen, etc. I can easily look at children now and say there is no way they are responsible for anything that happens, but tend to be harder on myself.
by Hope on Dec 1 2003
Shame is nothing compared to the thought of what just happend. Yes, we all feel ashamed and I hate that I still fell ashamed getting in a car with two guys that I trusted and one raped me and the other just watched. I felt ashamed that I did not listen to my parents. Hopefully one day I wont feel this way.
by Joey on Nov 26 2003
Remember that shame is the emotion that you feel when you witness an injustice. That you feel shame means that an injustice has been perpetrated on you. The shame is not about you, it's about what was done to you. It's you trying to heal you. Don't give up. Be the witness that will bring justice.
by Joseph on Nov 20 2003
The thing is, I know I shouldn't feel ashamed, and I know it was not my fault, and that all the shame should be his, but I do. I just can't tell, the words won't come. The most shameful thing, something I have never admitted to anyone before is that I felt... I don't know how to put this, but my body responded to some of the touching. Thank you Catherine for submitting your form, I thought I was the only one.
by mand76uk on Nov 19 2003
I may not have answers on the topic of "Shame" but I sure do have questions.
Why am I ashamed of the abuse I endured? My abuser should be ashamed of the abuse he inflicted.
Why am I ashamed to admit, to people, that I was sexually abused? My abuser should be ashamed to admit he is a sexual abuser.
Why am I ashamed of being attacked by my abuser? He should be ashamed of attacking me.
Why am I ashamed of feeling pleasure during sex with my partner? Feeling pleasure during sex with someone I love, does not mean I was pleasured by the abuse .
by Momma Cook on Nov 16 2003
Shame is a big problem for me, I still can not look my therapist in the eyes when we talk about my abuse. I have to hide because if I do, no one can hurt me anymore. I know that is not a healthy statement but that is where I'm at right now.
by Sneed6 on Nov 15 2003
I am struggling so much with Shame. I feel ashamed that I had "sensations" while My Father sexually abused me and I just cannot get rid of the shame. I feel unable to talk about it, due to me feeling so ashamed and dirty, and a freak, for having felt whatever during the abuse. going to press submit, sorry.
by Catherine on Nov 14 2003
Please use this form to share your thoughts on shame, in any way you wish. I will post them on the site as soon as possible. If the form doesn't work for some reason email me!
You'll be redirected to the homepage when you press send.
This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.