For many years, I'd heard that I "wasn't alone" but I could never seem to find the rest of you. It almost feels like home here, because now I KNOW that I'm not alone, and YOU ARE NOT ALONE,EITHER!!! We are ALL here for you, and we must "hang together or we'll hang separately (Ben Franklin)". Because of my many years of abuse, I absolutely HATE sex and that makes me furious too; I feel like "they" (the perps) have robbed me of my womanhood, my "right" to enjoy making love with my fiance...how DARE they?! Who in hell are THEY?!!? To take away our pleasure with our beloved? They tried to take away all of our power and we MUST hang together, encourage each other, support each other and TAKE OUR POWER BACK!!!
Ever since I was 12... The first time he did this to me I have been cutting none stop cutting is all I can think about. It hurts so good, every time I see a knife I canít help but pick it up. Every time I go to shave, every time I do the dishes any time Iím alone. He made it so that I couldnít trust people... but now I canít even trust my self. I donít know what to do.
I believe, after going through, and surviving, childhood sexual abuse, that real intimacy can seem almost impossible to attain. I, for example, have always left myself "outs" with any relationship I've ever been in. Whether that was always stringing another person along just to keep them in the background (incase present relationship didn't work out), leading a dual life, or just being overly-critical to the point where I never had to be REALLY intimate with someone else. There was always a good excuse to break things off, especially when you find fault at every corner of someone's personality. Now I have been able to actually "connect" sexually with my significant other. When I was younger, sex was simply an escape, not real intimacy. I still struggle with this, but hope that one day I will be able to live a normal life, i.e., have kids, a good husband, you know......the white picket fence thing except for maybe not as ideal. I'm not looking for an ideal anymore, but something true and honest. However, when you hide yourself from the world for so long, it becomes increasingly difficult to show it to the people you truly DO care about. Once the wall is up, it's very hard to tear down as intensely as you may want to.
I was the "object" of severe abuse as a child. I went into effective therapy when I was forty - for about 6 years. (I had tried other therapists before but none of them knew what to do with my case.) I thought I was healed. Now in my late fifties my flashbacks have been triggered and I feel deeply depressed. Friends gave me Peter Levine's tapes on healing trauma and they rang like a gong. I recently started seeing a trauma therapist. She is very good, warm and understanding. She feels I am going through the Dark Night of the Soul. Have any of you approached your healing in this way? I would be very interested. The last two times (including today) something came up so my therapist wasn't available for our appointment. I decided to do my own workshop this weekend including reading relevant texts, I Ching, Runes, drawing mandalas, journaling, etc. I am dearly hoping not to have to go on drugs. The hardest thing for me is feeling so vulnerable and often on the verge of tears.
I have spent the majority of my life in denial... I thought that everything was ok that my father was not as bad as he was and then when he went to jail I thought see he is gone he can't hurt me he is gone. But I have come to realize after 7 years that he is not gone. He is inside of me. His ghost haunts me. I can't look at the guy who gave me my first kiss because he is my father in my mind, I can't handle my roomate being angry because she becomes my father, and I am afraid of everyone because they are one step away from being HIM. I finally can say that I am not ok. I am hurt. I am scared. I hate going around pretending that I am not. I hate that no one around me can really understand. I sometimes wish there was a rehab-like place where you go and get help 24/7. A place where you don't have to be ok. I just want to scream I AM NOT OKAY!!!!! I want the world to understand that everyday I don't want to get out of bed and it is justified. I don't know how I am supposed to get through this semester. I just want to be real. I haven't felt real for my whole life. I AM NOT OKAY!
This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.