I, too am a survivor of a sexual assault at the tender age of 12. Now that I am 22, so scared and as we speak, I am going through therapy. At times it hurts to bring out the past but I have no choice but to stir up the past and push the pain away. I have wasted many nights thinking to commit suicide, and things of that nature but I know now that I have to give myself some time to heal. It's gonna be hard, and it will take time but I know that I can do it.
I am 61 yrs old and I want to be able to feel like a women is suppose to feel. How will that ever be possible? I'm in a relationship that I feel is not good for me even though I love him a great deal. I feel the only way to get my self esteem again is to go it alone and I don't know what to do.
I'm a 27 year old survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my stepfather from the ages of 3-9. I am a year into therapy due to the trauma. I haven't been here for awhile but I've come on to hear to say how inspiring we all are. We often get lost in the pain and confusion and some of us even feel like the only way out of the pain is not living. I've almost gotten to that point. When it comes down to it and you feel like your life is ruined, noone understands you, there's noone to talk too, everyone thinks your crazy that your life is over, remember this: you are not alone, a song by creed makes me feel strong everytime I hear it, my faveorite part is this: "whatever life brings, Ive been through everything and now im my knees, and I know I must go on, although I hurt i must be strong, because inside I know that many feel this way. Don't stop dancing and believe you can fly. Noone can take away our magic from within, find it and hold on to it wherever you are"
I have been long afflicted with wanting to die. At the present time, I have learned how to ignore those thoughts, but it's not always easy. I have come to realize that I alone must find value in the time I have until I die a natural death. I decided to start liking myself. That seemed to make things better. I then realized I had to learn what to do with myself. That's about where I am in life right now, allowing myself to feel good. I deserve it, right? I've paid quite a price. Sometimes I have moments where I'm really upset, maybe my ego has been damaged by hurtful words. It takes a bit for me to remind myself that what just happened was just a moment...a moment that I can get over. What makes it really hard is that I tend to put any hurtful feelings in the same place the really bad feelings are. I guess you could say I've learned to separate in my mind...or in other words, I've learned to not spend so much time on hurt, anger, frustration, etc. It does me no good. I still feel those things, but I've learned that my response to the silly things other people do, will determine what kind of life I can have. I hope this helps
I have had this for years and couldn't figure out why but I'm finally coming to terms with this.i get terrified of getting close to any man. I feel they want something from me and even when they're sweet my first instinct is to run.
I have had a long struggle with SI, namely cutting. One thing that I have recently started with my counselor is agreeing to a safety contract which states that while I'm seeing her, I will not harm myself. So far, so good. I try to do other things to occupy myself when I get the urge to cut...those desires don't go away with the contract but the key is to manage them in healthy ways. For example, things I do to help are write in my journal, go for a walk, listen to music, hold ice in my hands etc.
Verena, you have made an amazing job of this website - it is so informative and indeed, very much a relief to come across the thoughts of other survivors. Although I know 1 in 4 women are raped, or experience attempted rape at some point in their lives, I have always wondered why in the examples we see in the media and in life in general, the victims always seem to almost instantly recover. I have always felt a 'freak' as such, for letting my trauma get to me so much. It seems as though, the harder I try to get over what happened, the worse it gets. Just when I seem to be making progress, another unexpected side-effect kicks in. At the moment, I am on the verge of returning to therapy as I recently came out of my third 'attempted' relationship, which didn't work due to trust issues and fear of intimacy. However, I know that if I can overcome THIS, as I eventually overcame my original rape issues, I will finally be OK, and as close to normal as is possible. I would just like to say 'thankyou' for helping me understand my own mind better than I have done for the past seven years! I guess people deal with their own situation individually and everyone's experience is unique and dealt with in a different way. I no longer feel a 'freak' for letting my own experiences affect me so very much, because this site has helped me to realise that I am not the only person who thinks about what happened to them about twenty times a day on average! Here in this website, I am amongst friends and like-minded people who feel the same. I am very much 'normal' here! And to be able to feel like this is to feel is a million times more useful and informative than the standard stuff on your everyday survivor websites. Thank you again - Verena, you are wonderful!
This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.